everyone has a breaking point.
for me, perhaps that was it.
the last straw happened, and everything just came crashing down. the tears just came, and everything that made me happy was diminished to the unknown depths of my mind. shouldn't tears have limits? no, tears still came when i thought there were none left.
where did my optimism go? my usual cheerful self that i display when im in front of ppl?
no i have had enough of pretense. i couldn't take it anymore. it was just too much for me to take it. what "it" is, i have no idea. i don't noe, and i can't be bothered to know anymore. i just noe that im very very tired of trying, striving and going for things when even if i do get it, they are nv what i really wanted in the first place.
i go through much troubles, trying to overcome all the obstacles, and yes i do overcome them. i achieve my goals, but they were nv my intended goals really. it was always changed a little, but well it was cause for happiness all the same.
was.
now i don't noe how to feel. i think it might have been the weather...it was simply too cold and gloomy. i shut myself in my room and sat on my bed in darkness, listening to my mp3 and trying to sing along. it helped a bit, and it helped clear my mind.
i could slowly think through everything and decide.
i have decided that i will not fall. i will not give up. this is just how things happen, and i have to learn to deal with it. whether i like it or not.
im going to prove that i have a high pain threshold. i noe i have a super low one, and i can't stand pain, can't stand blood. but now im going to DEVELOP one even if im not. and i shall try to learn to be ambidextrous. though im sure i won't achieve this goal yet again. my injury isn't serious enough.
mind you, don't ever shake my hand ok. it hurts like hell when u squeeze or shake my hand. esp ppl who love to do that squeezing thing that hurts a lottt even without injury.
i can't move my finger without hurting. i can't make use of that muscle without hurting. i can't play the piano without hurting. and in every single piece, i have to use that finger and stretch like siao for about, 100 times in total? not forgetting the scales? where u have to stretch until ur fingers are going to break?
im just going to try my best and i'll tell the examiner. i won't cry bcos of this pain, i don't care. im going to be able to bear this pain and stop being such a spoilsport. whether im going to fail or not, i'll just accept it. exams don't matter that much to me anymore. i just hope that this will recover soon, i miss playing the piano properly...it better not be permanant...
ysc was fun. loads of things were fun. court shoes were torture, blazers were suffocating, and ties were strangling. but they really make u look pro, and i felt pro. it was a wonderfully great experience, and we got merit award! unexpectedly. can't wait for ssef next yr. i so <3 our poster!
blaming. regrets. despair. i hate myself for all that. can't i just forget about all that and focus on what i should do? it's just all my bad points appearing at the same time, the hot-headedness, the stubbornness, the selfishness, the depressingness parts of myself all coming out at the same time. there's more, i can't think of, but comeon! cheer up! it's not the end of the world!
yeah i noe it's not the end of the world. even now, i believe that this wasn't the real breaking point. it's not serious enough to be one. it just felt like one then...but now, perhaps it was just a break i needed to take. there's still a long way to go, and im still young. undoubtedly, more troubles will come, and not to worry. i'll stand fast and overcome them one by one, albeit any breaks i need to take to move on.
yep. anything is possible as long as you are still alive. anything is possible as long as there's still that shimmer of hope, that bubble of hope. yeah?
