Two days ago, a coworker told me this over drinks, that I always have a poker face on, that I'm not really showing who I am. He said it in a candid manner, but I realised that when he said poker face - he meant my smile and happy face. I definitely DON'T have a poker face, haha I fail at poker so terribly.
So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.
When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.
For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.
But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught, and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).
Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?
--------------
on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.
for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:
Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.
So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.
If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...
