My ex of 2.5 years (also my first boyfriend ever) just told me today that he’s getting married. I was shocked, surprised, happy for him but also a little sad that I haven’t found someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the way he has. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, but I still have nostalgia for our good old days, and it reminded me of the hopes and dreams of my younger self, believing he was the one that I was going to marry. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone I can feel that way about again.... I’ve become so jaded about love and relationships that I don’t expect to find someone that special so easily. I definitely have my own doubts about how my heart would work against my logical and overanalytical brain - maybe they will give up and just see what life throws at me.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I really don’t know how I feel about this news. I know a part of me is really happy for them (especially since I know both of them - they are really a great match!), yet a part of me feels bitter. Bitter because none of the guys I’ve met or are seeing made me feel like I want to marry them. I wish I had that happy naive and loving self back so I can feel that way again, and yet I know that self would also be the most hurt if I let my logic and reasoning take a backseat. Such a struggle; a dilemma.
Last night I stayed up till 6am chatting with an acquaintance friend of mine - and we realized that we’re like a mirror of each other’s thoughts, emotions, feelings, experiences - we’re in the same boat in every way! I’m wondering if this is what they call a soulmate, if this is what it feels like to find a soulmate. I don’t like him the way I like guys romantically though, but we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. Am I actually attracted to him? Or were we just having a moment of bonding and connection, with the continual reaffirmation of each other’s beliefs (since we are so similar?) I couldn’t tell if I’ve already friend zoned him or not, and I couldn’t tell whether I feel for him more than friends or not. It’s an all around very weird feeling / situation, the first of its kind for me. How do I feel about him exactly?
I guess these conflicting feelings will fade in intensity and I’ll let them pass, and we’ll see if we actually keep in touch. Also, when I told him that sometimes I could be intimidating, he said yeah he clearly remembered some memorable moments when I was intimidating. I was super shocked - memorable? Somehow, some of my actions / thoughts had floored him, such that he didn’t know what to do or say. He said I was like a blank slate, he had nothing to work with and so he was flustered. That was when I thought - was he interested in me? I don’t know, but I’m going to leave it at that. Some things don’t need to be driven to ground, some bubbles better left unburst.
P.S. I guess LA will always be special to me now - because it’s the place where my ex and I decided to officially break up two Christmases ago, and now it’s the place where I learned that he is getting married this year. How time flies, and how serendipitous this all is.
P.S.S. It definitely didn’t help that this random guy on the street was hitting on me right when I saw the message from my ex that he was getting married. I cut the other guy short and let him know I’m busy - he made me feel both flattered and upset at the same time. What’s the point of having all these guys hit on me or find me attractive when none of them were marriage material?
P.S.S.S A Korean guy friend of my friend (who has a gf but was clearly interested in me) told me I looked very pretty, and that I looked like Lee Hyori. Whatt?? I look like a superstar celebrity, who is also known as the Nation’s Fairy in Korea?? I’m super flattered hahaha
Monday, January 15, 2018
Tuesday, January 09, 2018
New Year, New Thoughts
Ok I know it’s been a long while since I last posted - so here I am! My first post in the new year of 2018! Everyone asked me about New Years’ resolutions, or goals for the year, but no I don’t really have anything new. I just have ongoing goals that I’m working on - constant self improvement and learning goals. For example, I want to learn Korean (as I've been thinking of doing since last year), and keep learning better conflict management and negotiation skills, keep dating and loving wholeheartedly, to keep improving in dancing (more performance workshops?), more article writing at my job and teaching junior resources, and more mentorship volunteering and growing together with my mentee. Long story short, nothing much new, but a lot of exciting things I want to keep doing this year :)
What I do want to post about today, is the latest Star Wars movie - Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. I just watched it this past weekend, and I'm soooo excited and happy about the way it turned out!! Honestly, it's my favorite Star Wars movie thus far! I know there are a lot of people who absolutely hate it, and I can understand why - this movie is completely different from the previous ones. it's different in style, in characters, in acting, in the way the story flowed, in the plot twists, and yet it's similar in some other ways. For those of you who haven't yet seen the movie, go watch it and then read the below. I'm going to go into deep detail analyzing the movie, and there are plenty of spoilers here!
I love the use of a lot more Asians and female characters, and their influence on the male characters. The movie showcased that even when you're the main character or the lead, it doesn't mean you always need to rush headlong into trouble, to be sacrificing your lives like martyrs. The movie showed it three times:
1. Princess Leia demoted Poe for his reckless destruction of the enemy's spaceship, which had cost all the bombers and their pilots' lives. There was a really high risk of failure actually - it was all down to that last bomber which could easily have been blown up before it could destroy the enemy.
2. Vice Admiral Holdo had a plan that was sound and had lower risk of failure compared to Poe's crazy plan to crack the security code with the enemy and destroy their tracker. The unfortunate thing was that there should have been much better communication so that the audience (and Poe and crew) would have been more willing to collaborate. I felt like there was some part of dramatic effect here where the Admiral purposely didn't share information with Poe until the very end, and vice versa as well. Oh well, how else would you get a mutiny scene? It's also sad because more of the Resistance folks probably got killed or injured in that mutiny, and given their dwindling numbers...that's not good.
3. In the last scenes, Rose saved Finn from needlessly killing himself at the risk of her own life. At first glance it seemed really stupid to save Finn when he could have stopped the cannon (and died). Upon further thought, yeah she's right. Even if Finn had destroyed the cannon, so what? Quite likely the First Order's got more where that came from, and they will just break the door down anyway. That scene also showcased Rose's concern and love for Finn, which was unexpected but not THAT unexpected given that she totally admired and worshipped him as a Resistance hero at the beginning. I definitely like this unexpected twist haha. Also at the beginning, Rose used a taser on Finn and stopped him from escaping, which was a really smart move. Despite Finn's "good and sound" reasons, they're really stupid excuses and reflected reckless behavior. We're all glad he stayed and fought.
It is great that these female characters were showing their strengths in being calm and rational instead of rushing to take risks, but I prefer it if it wasn't just women tempering the men all 3 times. This only perpetuated the female stereotype that women are the ones who think twice and avoid taking risks, whereas men take risks heedlessly. The message would have been stronger if they included scenes with men tempering men in order to undermine gender stereotypes, though maybe it wouldn't have been as obvious to the audience if it were another guy saying "whoa hold it, this isn't going to work". I had the feeling that the audience probably only saw Admiral Holdo as too "soft" or too "aggressive" and use negative words to describe her. It's definitely unfortunate :/
One note on Rose - I like that they chose another minority character as a lead - an asian female, and of a different shape and size from the usual no less! i.e. she's not tall, and not skinny the way every other model and Hollywood star seems to be. I really like that :D We need more actors and actresses of different colors, shapes and sizes in the media so that our kids know that it's ok to look different and still be popular and famous! She is also spunky, headstrong and willing to jump straight into things alongside Finn and Poe, so she is one female character that undermines gender stereotypes. Hurray for that!
There was a scene where there was totally "manterruption" (i.e. a male interrupting a female unnecessarily) and "bropropriation" (i.e. a male taking credit for another female's ideas). It was the scene where Finn was explaining the plan to disable the tracker on the enemy's ship. Rose was trying to explain but Finn talked over her and interrupted her, and he essentially explained her idea as though it were his own. Fortunately for all of us (and my very upset brain/heart), Finn finally stopped and let Rose say her piece. It was so obvious that I felt like they must have written it into the script on purpose. Is the scriptwriter female? Whoever it is, I am really impressed and kudos to Star Wars / Lucas Film / Disney for making that statement!
I came across this really good article that discusses the mansplaining (i.e. men explaining things to women as though they're ignorant, when the women already know it better than the men do) in the movie, among other things - definitely check it out: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/12/star-wars-last-jedi-laura-dern-admiral-holdo-listen-to-women
Next, I really liked the concept of turning / changing each other, the talking and reflecting between Ben Solo aka Kylo Ren and Rey. It’s clear that they have a strong bond, and that she is the one who sees the good in him, in that there is hope to turn him. Kylo showed a lot of potential and it made sense when he helped Rey kill Snoke. It even made sense when he asked her to build a new order together. If only there was better communication between Kylo and Rey, so the Resistance and the New Order can collaborate and merge, in that case I think it can totally work lol. The old generation just had too many hatreds and feuds that it makes it hard to avoid enmity.
I especially love that ironic (or even anti-climactic) reveal that Rey didn't have “famous” parents. That's the greatest twist of all - she had been wondering all her life, we as an audience were speculating and hoping for all the life of us, and the movie says nonchalantly, "I'm going to just subvert your expectations hah!" It goes to show that you can come from nothing and still achieve great things! It's true in real life too, such a strong message that you can succeed and do amazing feats even if you don't come from a legacy.
This ties very well (in foreshadowing?) especially with the ending scene - where the child on that "Vegas-like planet" showed that he had the Force and held hope for the future. He had the resistance ring on his finger, and he was thinking of Luke Skywalker as his idol/inspiration as the Jedi Master. It could very well be there won't be any Jedi after this movie, but whatever they're called in the future, they can still be folks who use the Force for good instead of evil.
Which brings me to this random musing - it is unclear to me why the First Order is evil. Perhaps they are oppressing the people and creating wars just to make profit? Anyhow, I do love conflicted and flawed characters; there is no clear good or evil in people as everyone has both sides within themselves - even that great Jedi Master Luke Skywalker! At the end of the day, it is the environment you were brought up in, the choices that others have made for you and in influencing you, and the choices that you end up making based on your values and your options. It was sad for Kylo Ren to be betrayed by Luke the way he did (and this is so consistent with Episode III, how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader - it's always fear that evil thrives on), I definitely have high hopes for Kylo Ren in the next movie with further conflict within him! How about a spoof where the First Order collaborates with the Resistance to create the Second Order of peace and harmony? xD
I love the part about the Vegas-like planet, where the rich indulge in extravagance and the poor serve the rich. It's a representation of our world today - a social commentary in what constitutes entertainment for us, the inequality between classes, animal abuse, among many other things. It serves as a good reminder that Star Wars does reflect our reality, and we need to pay attention to its various messages - on all the issues that are going on in this world, on women leadership in the workplace, etc.
On death - it's interesting that Luke died the way he did. I didn't expect him to be first of all, not fighting in person, and then second of all, still be alive after doing all that exertion over the huge distance (especially being so out of practice with the Force). And then a few minutes later he smiled into the sunset (did you see two suns!) and disappeared, so I thought - oh ok I was right after all, he totally died from all that exertion. It was a double subversion of my expectations lol. It's also interesting to see that Jedis die by disappearing into the Force...Snoke definitely didn't disappear that way haha. Well it reminds me that just like we are all stardust, in the Star Wars world, they are all part of the Force - they come from it and they disappear into it. I'm just glad that Luke finally found his purpose and meaning in life, and found peace in letting go. So zen...
And on another death - Carrie Fisher died after filming her swan song performance in this movie (I liked her performance in here a lot!!). How will they tie Princess Leia's death into the next movie? I'm so curious! How will the next movie turn out? How will the Resistance rebuild themselves, will there be training of the new generation of Jedi? or are they called something else now? Will they end up turning Kylo Ren in the end?
One reason I think that people may hate this movie is because there were so many older "elderly" characters in here. It does bring the energy down and make the movie a lot more mature / heavier / slower-paced than if it were all younger people doing action-movie jumping and stunts everywhere. I guess given that I'm older and more mature (and educated about women's issues) now, I definitely enjoyed this movie way more than any of the other almost meaningless action movie-style Star Wars films.
What do you all think of the movie?
What I do want to post about today, is the latest Star Wars movie - Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. I just watched it this past weekend, and I'm soooo excited and happy about the way it turned out!! Honestly, it's my favorite Star Wars movie thus far! I know there are a lot of people who absolutely hate it, and I can understand why - this movie is completely different from the previous ones. it's different in style, in characters, in acting, in the way the story flowed, in the plot twists, and yet it's similar in some other ways. For those of you who haven't yet seen the movie, go watch it and then read the below. I'm going to go into deep detail analyzing the movie, and there are plenty of spoilers here!
I love the use of a lot more Asians and female characters, and their influence on the male characters. The movie showcased that even when you're the main character or the lead, it doesn't mean you always need to rush headlong into trouble, to be sacrificing your lives like martyrs. The movie showed it three times:
1. Princess Leia demoted Poe for his reckless destruction of the enemy's spaceship, which had cost all the bombers and their pilots' lives. There was a really high risk of failure actually - it was all down to that last bomber which could easily have been blown up before it could destroy the enemy.
2. Vice Admiral Holdo had a plan that was sound and had lower risk of failure compared to Poe's crazy plan to crack the security code with the enemy and destroy their tracker. The unfortunate thing was that there should have been much better communication so that the audience (and Poe and crew) would have been more willing to collaborate. I felt like there was some part of dramatic effect here where the Admiral purposely didn't share information with Poe until the very end, and vice versa as well. Oh well, how else would you get a mutiny scene? It's also sad because more of the Resistance folks probably got killed or injured in that mutiny, and given their dwindling numbers...that's not good.
3. In the last scenes, Rose saved Finn from needlessly killing himself at the risk of her own life. At first glance it seemed really stupid to save Finn when he could have stopped the cannon (and died). Upon further thought, yeah she's right. Even if Finn had destroyed the cannon, so what? Quite likely the First Order's got more where that came from, and they will just break the door down anyway. That scene also showcased Rose's concern and love for Finn, which was unexpected but not THAT unexpected given that she totally admired and worshipped him as a Resistance hero at the beginning. I definitely like this unexpected twist haha. Also at the beginning, Rose used a taser on Finn and stopped him from escaping, which was a really smart move. Despite Finn's "good and sound" reasons, they're really stupid excuses and reflected reckless behavior. We're all glad he stayed and fought.
It is great that these female characters were showing their strengths in being calm and rational instead of rushing to take risks, but I prefer it if it wasn't just women tempering the men all 3 times. This only perpetuated the female stereotype that women are the ones who think twice and avoid taking risks, whereas men take risks heedlessly. The message would have been stronger if they included scenes with men tempering men in order to undermine gender stereotypes, though maybe it wouldn't have been as obvious to the audience if it were another guy saying "whoa hold it, this isn't going to work". I had the feeling that the audience probably only saw Admiral Holdo as too "soft" or too "aggressive" and use negative words to describe her. It's definitely unfortunate :/
One note on Rose - I like that they chose another minority character as a lead - an asian female, and of a different shape and size from the usual no less! i.e. she's not tall, and not skinny the way every other model and Hollywood star seems to be. I really like that :D We need more actors and actresses of different colors, shapes and sizes in the media so that our kids know that it's ok to look different and still be popular and famous! She is also spunky, headstrong and willing to jump straight into things alongside Finn and Poe, so she is one female character that undermines gender stereotypes. Hurray for that!
There was a scene where there was totally "manterruption" (i.e. a male interrupting a female unnecessarily) and "bropropriation" (i.e. a male taking credit for another female's ideas). It was the scene where Finn was explaining the plan to disable the tracker on the enemy's ship. Rose was trying to explain but Finn talked over her and interrupted her, and he essentially explained her idea as though it were his own. Fortunately for all of us (and my very upset brain/heart), Finn finally stopped and let Rose say her piece. It was so obvious that I felt like they must have written it into the script on purpose. Is the scriptwriter female? Whoever it is, I am really impressed and kudos to Star Wars / Lucas Film / Disney for making that statement!
I came across this really good article that discusses the mansplaining (i.e. men explaining things to women as though they're ignorant, when the women already know it better than the men do) in the movie, among other things - definitely check it out: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/12/star-wars-last-jedi-laura-dern-admiral-holdo-listen-to-women
Next, I really liked the concept of turning / changing each other, the talking and reflecting between Ben Solo aka Kylo Ren and Rey. It’s clear that they have a strong bond, and that she is the one who sees the good in him, in that there is hope to turn him. Kylo showed a lot of potential and it made sense when he helped Rey kill Snoke. It even made sense when he asked her to build a new order together. If only there was better communication between Kylo and Rey, so the Resistance and the New Order can collaborate and merge, in that case I think it can totally work lol. The old generation just had too many hatreds and feuds that it makes it hard to avoid enmity.
I especially love that ironic (or even anti-climactic) reveal that Rey didn't have “famous” parents. That's the greatest twist of all - she had been wondering all her life, we as an audience were speculating and hoping for all the life of us, and the movie says nonchalantly, "I'm going to just subvert your expectations hah!" It goes to show that you can come from nothing and still achieve great things! It's true in real life too, such a strong message that you can succeed and do amazing feats even if you don't come from a legacy.
This ties very well (in foreshadowing?) especially with the ending scene - where the child on that "Vegas-like planet" showed that he had the Force and held hope for the future. He had the resistance ring on his finger, and he was thinking of Luke Skywalker as his idol/inspiration as the Jedi Master. It could very well be there won't be any Jedi after this movie, but whatever they're called in the future, they can still be folks who use the Force for good instead of evil.
Which brings me to this random musing - it is unclear to me why the First Order is evil. Perhaps they are oppressing the people and creating wars just to make profit? Anyhow, I do love conflicted and flawed characters; there is no clear good or evil in people as everyone has both sides within themselves - even that great Jedi Master Luke Skywalker! At the end of the day, it is the environment you were brought up in, the choices that others have made for you and in influencing you, and the choices that you end up making based on your values and your options. It was sad for Kylo Ren to be betrayed by Luke the way he did (and this is so consistent with Episode III, how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader - it's always fear that evil thrives on), I definitely have high hopes for Kylo Ren in the next movie with further conflict within him! How about a spoof where the First Order collaborates with the Resistance to create the Second Order of peace and harmony? xD
I love the part about the Vegas-like planet, where the rich indulge in extravagance and the poor serve the rich. It's a representation of our world today - a social commentary in what constitutes entertainment for us, the inequality between classes, animal abuse, among many other things. It serves as a good reminder that Star Wars does reflect our reality, and we need to pay attention to its various messages - on all the issues that are going on in this world, on women leadership in the workplace, etc.
On death - it's interesting that Luke died the way he did. I didn't expect him to be first of all, not fighting in person, and then second of all, still be alive after doing all that exertion over the huge distance (especially being so out of practice with the Force). And then a few minutes later he smiled into the sunset (did you see two suns!) and disappeared, so I thought - oh ok I was right after all, he totally died from all that exertion. It was a double subversion of my expectations lol. It's also interesting to see that Jedis die by disappearing into the Force...Snoke definitely didn't disappear that way haha. Well it reminds me that just like we are all stardust, in the Star Wars world, they are all part of the Force - they come from it and they disappear into it. I'm just glad that Luke finally found his purpose and meaning in life, and found peace in letting go. So zen...
And on another death - Carrie Fisher died after filming her swan song performance in this movie (I liked her performance in here a lot!!). How will they tie Princess Leia's death into the next movie? I'm so curious! How will the next movie turn out? How will the Resistance rebuild themselves, will there be training of the new generation of Jedi? or are they called something else now? Will they end up turning Kylo Ren in the end?
One reason I think that people may hate this movie is because there were so many older "elderly" characters in here. It does bring the energy down and make the movie a lot more mature / heavier / slower-paced than if it were all younger people doing action-movie jumping and stunts everywhere. I guess given that I'm older and more mature (and educated about women's issues) now, I definitely enjoyed this movie way more than any of the other almost meaningless action movie-style Star Wars films.
What do you all think of the movie?
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