heartbroken

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2016/03/if-he-wanted-to-be-with-you-he-would-be-with-you/

"But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all. 

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway? 

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more."

#it'stheheartbreakingtruth

do i put up shields to protect myself?

Two days ago, a coworker told me this over drinks, that I always have a poker face on, that I'm not really showing who I am. He said it in a candid manner, but I realised that when he said poker face - he meant my smile and happy face. I definitely DON'T have a poker face, haha I fail at poker so terribly.

So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.

When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.

For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.

But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught,  and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).

Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?

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on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.

for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:

Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.

So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.

If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...

musings on upbringing - how I wish I was brought up

I read this article on facebook, and thought this is so true! definitely how I would want to raise my kids in the future - http://qz.com/644491/a-stanford-dean-on-adult-skills-every-18-year-old-should-have/

That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.

The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.

I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....

Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.

For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.

my favorite singer from my childhood

guess who?

Yes it's none other than Rainie Yang - my favorite singer from my childhood!!~

She's pretty amazing, started in the entertainment industry since she was 14 (with advertisements and a small role in a HK movie). She used to be called Lily Yang, but when she was 16, she auditioned successfully to join a girls' group called 4 in Love. Each member of the group was given a stage name that corresponded with the weather, so she was Rainie, and there were also Sunnie, Windie and Cloudie.

After two albums that didn't do too well, the group disbanded and only Rainie and Sunnie remained in the entertainment industry. Windie became a flight attendant (I actually saw her when I went for Rainie's 3rd album's autograph signing session in Singapore - Windie came to visit Rainie and it created a huge commotion as they were so happy hugging and catching up), Cloudie went off to college, and Sunnie became a host and comedian. Only Rainie stayed successful singing, acting, hosting and performing...and it's because of her persistence.

Rainie had to make money to pay off her dad's debts, and she really had passion for singing and acting. She is very hardworking and is a perfectionist, and kept working at it. She had a few blunders, where she offended Mainland Chinese by making thoughtless remarks on National TV on the Japanese Occupation (she thought it was 11 years long, and turned out it was "only" 8 years). It caused an uproar and a boycott of her dramas, songs and shows. She made an apology saying she didn't go to high school and she didn't know her history that well. She definitely did not do well back then.

I followed her love stories and her life and all her albums, from 1 through 10...and now that she just published her 10th album, I'm super excited to buy it!! One thing to note - she always changes her hairstyle for each album, it's always such a cool surprise to find out what her next style would be. This one showcased her in a carefree shoulder-length purple hair, which is almost like a rock star. It's amazing her transformation from "Cutie Princess" to today - so mature, so rock-punkish!

Can you guess which of the polaroids below is my favorite one? :D

Her album cover + 10 polaroids, 1 on each of her albums and famous songs from the corresponding album!

Love that purple hair - how does she still look so young when she's 32??!

Her 2nd album - one of my favorite ones haha

For this album, she sported that funky jellyfish hairstyle

My favorite song here - Dai4 Wo3 Zou3

ahh this is my favorite polaroid of them all hahaha. She's so cute!! Also has my all-time favorite Rainie Song - Yu3 Ai4 here :D 

Looking up?

More mature album

This album was kindof mystical, definitely not her usual style

This album had a lot of good, mature songs. I like Dian3 Shui3 and Shi1 Yi4 De Jin1 Yu2 best!

This is her newest album. So cool! And definitely go listen to her new album songs - my favorites are Dan1 (Being Single) and Guan1 Zhong4 (Audience)

It's almost with nostalgia and fond memories of my childhood (I've been following her since 2003!), that I look through these polaroids and think about the various albums I listened to over the years.

Found out which one is my favorite polaroid yet? If you did a Ctrl+F you might actually find it hahaha...

To confess, or not to confess?

This was written 10/18/16:

There's a guy I like, we're friends right now and I think we have great chemistry. I feel happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy I've gone on dates with, which is saying a lot. He's super nice and makes me happy - but there are a lot of things in the way. My pride, his pride, him sending mixed signals  - he's super nice to me, but he's not responsive to my texts. he's super enthusiastic about hanging out, but he never asks me out first - i have been asking him out. we have great bonding moments but when asked what he's looking for now, he says he's "going to peace out until London". he doesn't want LDR, but I honestly think if he likes someone enough, he will be willing to do LDR for that person. How can I become that person?

Ok so with all these thoughts, I talked it through with my housemate and he gave some good analysis. We decided to put it all into a probability graphing model, based on my current assessments of probabilities as of 11pm PST on Saturday 10/15/16, the day after I just had a great time with him (we had dinner at Fogo de Chao and pretended it's my birthday just so we could get free dessert hahaha). this is just the 2nd time we hung out one-on-one, but it's the 5th time we have met up in person, quite promising right? ;)

This model plots the following variables:
k - whether he knows Joy likes him or not
c - whether he has good character or not (not asshole or asshole?)
l - whether he likes Joy a lot or not
j - whether Joy likes him a lot or not

Probabilities right now are at

k1 = 0.8
c1 = 0.95
l1 = 0.5
j1 = 1

where 1 indicates the positive attribute (e.g. k1 = he knows Joy likes him, c1 = he is nice and not an asshole). Yes at current assessment j1 is known, so it's 1 xD

Conclusions are as follows:
C1 = He treats Joy nicely because he thinks you're good friends - Confess
C2 = He's an asshole, he's playing with your feelings and leading you on - DON'T Confess
C3 =  He was trying to hint that he doesn't really like you, let's stay friends - DON'T Confess
C4 = He wants to see if it's worth a potential LDR and go for the relationship - Confess
C5 = Joy should move on - DON'T Confess (this was added after the photo was taken, I also added the j0 option that Joy doesn't like him a lot, which leads to C5)

If it's conclusions 1 and 4, I should confess. If it's conclusions 2 and 3, I should not confess.

Based on these probabilities, we currently have P(C1) + P(C4) = 0.38 + 0.2 = 0.58, which means I should confess. So if he's standing here right in front of me, right now, I will confess.

Yes this is the actual diagram we drew on a glassboard at 11pm PST on Sat, 10/15/16. thanks housemate xD

Unfortunately the probabilities are going to change in the next week. If P(l1) < 0.4, or P(j1) < 0.79, or for certain combinations between 0.4 < P(l1) < 0.5 AND 0.79 < P(j1) < 1, I shouldn't confess. So these probabilities will change because if he doesn't text me in the next week, I am going to lower his probability of liking Joy a lot to less than 50%, and possibly less than 40%. If I think he doesn't like me much, I'm going to not like him as much too, so I'll lower the probability of Joy liking him a lot to less than 100%, which means it's going to move towards I should not confess.

Then again, maybe I should heck care all these and just let him know. I mean, I have nothing to lose other than my pride right? And guys are always willing to confess even though they know they're going to be rejected, why can't I? I should stop being a scaredy cat and chicken out, I should be an empowered woman and go-getter and go for what I want! If I want to get to know him better and hang out more with him, I'm going to tell him exactly that. If we don't work out, then we don't. At least we've tried right?

Wish me best of luck - we'll find out in a week. I'm not going to ask him out for a week just to see if he will make the first move - if he does then yes confession is so going to happen. If he doesn't, I'm going to ask him out and I'll -try- to confess - TBD based on probability re-assessments at that point in time xD

Hahaha i'm currently excited and scared and anxious and happy and euphoric all at once - it's been a long while since i've been so motivated by liking someone! it's refreshing and fun, and for once I'm actually going to do something about it!

(p.s. that love letter i wrote to the crush I had when I was 12 doesn't quite count...that's a story for another time hehe)

February30th and random musings

Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we talked about our past. This great friend of mine said February 30th, in all seriousness and really thought that was the correct date of the event he was describing.

Haha it absolutely cracked me up because at first I thought he was trolling me, but no he really thought it was 2/30!! I cleared that up shortly, but not before gaining much amusement from it.

HAHAHA!! XD

So that made me think of all the cool names we've heard over the years, things like 13 o'clock, the 5th season, the 25th hour. February 30th is the first I've heard, but that's a pretty good oddity to keep in my back pocket. If ever a guy asks me on a date and I want to reject him in a funny way, I'll say sure, but only on February 30th all right?

All jokes aside, I'm excited to go for maroon 5's concert tomorrow! That shall be the highlight of my weekend hehe

Annndd I'm super happy right now, I just got a confirmed upgrade to first class on both my flights to and back from Cancun...that's wayyy beyond my expectations! They changed the plane so there are more first class seats ^^

Life is pretty good for me now :D

time for that english song guitar cover ;)

Yep it's finally time for...wait for it....-drumrolls-

...the long-awaited English song guitar cover! -applause-

I've clearly been keeping all of you waiting a while for this, I haven't posted an english song cover in months, not since "All of Me" way back when. I just learned this song on the guitar last weekend (perks of being freer due to not traveling for work this week!), and I absolutely adore this song.

I sang it in a happy style rather than sad, mostly because I'm playing it at a faster tempo (and at a higher pitch) than the original song. It did make me happy to sing it haha, guess it would be different if I'm really head over heels in love the way Bella and Edward were. I also experimented with more harmonizing and a little fun improv humming at the end! :D

So I hereby present...A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, as sung and performed by yours truly! :D

p.s. Someone actually asked me who did the harmonizing - "Who's the person harmonizing with you it works so well 🙂"? The answer is - it's me myself and I! I recorded another harmonizing track over my guitar/song track, just because I love harmonizing to songs (just ask anyone who has gone to karaoke with me in recent years haha)...glad you guys are enjoying the harmonizing!