My ex of 2.5 years (also my first boyfriend ever) just told me today that he’s getting married. I was shocked, surprised, happy for him but also a little sad that I haven’t found someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the way he has. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, but I still have nostalgia for our good old days, and it reminded me of the hopes and dreams of my younger self, believing he was the one that I was going to marry. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone I can feel that way about again.... I’ve become so jaded about love and relationships that I don’t expect to find someone that special so easily. I definitely have my own doubts about how my heart would work against my logical and overanalytical brain - maybe they will give up and just see what life throws at me.
I’ve been thinking about it, and I really don’t know how I feel about this news. I know a part of me is really happy for them (especially since I know both of them - they are really a great match!), yet a part of me feels bitter. Bitter because none of the guys I’ve met or are seeing made me feel like I want to marry them. I wish I had that happy naive and loving self back so I can feel that way again, and yet I know that self would also be the most hurt if I let my logic and reasoning take a backseat. Such a struggle; a dilemma.
Last night I stayed up till 6am chatting with an acquaintance friend of mine - and we realized that we’re like a mirror of each other’s thoughts, emotions, feelings, experiences - we’re in the same boat in every way! I’m wondering if this is what they call a soulmate, if this is what it feels like to find a soulmate. I don’t like him the way I like guys romantically though, but we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. Am I actually attracted to him? Or were we just having a moment of bonding and connection, with the continual reaffirmation of each other’s beliefs (since we are so similar?) I couldn’t tell if I’ve already friend zoned him or not, and I couldn’t tell whether I feel for him more than friends or not. It’s an all around very weird feeling / situation, the first of its kind for me. How do I feel about him exactly?
I guess these conflicting feelings will fade in intensity and I’ll let them pass, and we’ll see if we actually keep in touch. Also, when I told him that sometimes I could be intimidating, he said yeah he clearly remembered some memorable moments when I was intimidating. I was super shocked - memorable? Somehow, some of my actions / thoughts had floored him, such that he didn’t know what to do or say. He said I was like a blank slate, he had nothing to work with and so he was flustered. That was when I thought - was he interested in me? I don’t know, but I’m going to leave it at that. Some things don’t need to be driven to ground, some bubbles better left unburst.
P.S. I guess LA will always be special to me now - because it’s the place where my ex and I decided to officially break up two Christmases ago, and now it’s the place where I learned that he is getting married this year. How time flies, and how serendipitous this all is.
P.S.S. It definitely didn’t help that this random guy on the street was hitting on me right when I saw the message from my ex that he was getting married. I cut the other guy short and let him know I’m busy - he made me feel both flattered and upset at the same time. What’s the point of having all these guys hit on me or find me attractive when none of them were marriage material?
P.S.S.S A Korean guy friend of my friend (who has a gf but was clearly interested in me) told me I looked very pretty, and that I looked like Lee Hyori. Whatt?? I look like a superstar celebrity, who is also known as the Nation’s Fairy in Korea?? I’m super flattered hahaha
