Life is Fragile

You won't believe what happened this morning!

I was burping baby and walking around the living room, when I saw a flash of brown and a loud THUMP. Feathers flew in a swirl outside the window. A small sparrow, poor thing, just slammed into our window hard, and bounced onto the ground. Did a bird just kill itself against our window, right in front of my eyes?

I was stunned, traumatized. The sound of a small bird hitting the window was so much louder than I could have imagined. It sounded like a human pounded against the window. This was the first time that I witnessed a life snuff out before my eyes (besides bugs that we've killed). I felt so sorry for the poor bird, and sad that life is so fragile. One moment, soaring through the air. The next, dead.

A part of me hoped and wondered, maybe the bird isn't dead. Maybe it's just concussed and passed out. 

We've had a dead bird once, on the back side of the house, and that looked different - it lay there after hitting the glass railing on the roof and had red blood flowing from its body. That was well and truly dead.

This bird seemed a little different in that it fell to the ground in a sitting position, so it's still upright. Its head lowered to its chest and was resting in an odd nesting position. I'm afraid to check if it's dead.

I went on with my morning, feeding baby and doing my thing. Figured I'll tell my husband when he's up, and we can figure out how to dispose of the dead bird, like we had done before.

An hour later, a miracle happened. My hope came true - the bird woke up, took a big poop on our patio, hopped around, and flew off. It's alive! 

I'm so glad we didn't have to dispose of the dead sparrow. My heart was hurting, seeing and thinking of the poor bird.

What an eventful morning. It's a good reminder that life is fleeting and so easily snuffed out. We never know when our last day is - let's be sure to treasure every moment and the people around us. 🩷

New Hair, New Me!

I got a haircut today, to celebrate the end of work. Yay!

I feel like getting a haircut symbolizes a new beginning. I’ve been feeling really hot these days with my long hair, and I’ve also been losing more hair due to postpartum hair loss. I wanted to cut it off so I didn’t have to clean up after my hair so much, but I just couldn’t find the time with a young baby, work and ow practice. Finally, I can get my haircut!

It’s also fun to be stress-free about getting a haircut. Even if it’s too short or ugly, no one’s really going to be seeing it anyway, since I don’t have clients or work anymore. I asked to cut it off a few extra inches because I didn’t want it to be long enough for baby to grab (he’s been grabbing my long hair a lot, and goodness it hurts!). It’s also cooler and easier to tie up or manage if it’s shorter. I guess I’ve really become a mom 👩.

Lastly, now that I cut it shorter, I can go many months without having another haircut again haha. I can probably make it last till next February to do it in Singapore hehe 🙃.

Randomly, the hairstylist has a really cute cat called Twinkle. He was a very good cat; he came to me for pets and cuddles, and leapt onto my lap while I was getting my haircut. I petted him lots. 

It feels like I’m cuddling and patting my baby, but furrier and calmer. Maybe we should get a cat or a cat-like dog, when my baby gets older and doesn’t want to be cuddled anymore. That way I can cuddle with a pet and get the same happy feelings like playing with a baby! 

I had so much hair cut off, it’s literally a load off my shoulders. It feels like I’ve lost a pound of hair, aaaand I feel great!

Last Day of Work!

Today is my last day at work! Definitely a feeling of freedom and relief, and excited I can spend more time with baby. I sent out a farewell note to the people I’ve worked with, and I got so many lovely, kind notes back. I didn’t know I left such an impact on so many coworkers, even the ones I wasn’t close with or only worked with on a short project. I’m glad to know I was a “breath of fresh air in everything I’ve done” and had “meaningful chats” with others, and I brought “expertise, positivity” and always gave time to “lend a helping hand”. It was really sweet seeing that. Now I know you can get all the compliments from your coworkers when you leave a job 😅.

I think spending 30 days at work after being on maternity leave for 6 months, made me truly appreciate how hard it is to be a working mom. I was constantly stressed about everything, multitasking and never getting anything done right, always feeling like I’m two steps behind, that I couldn’t give the attention I wanted to my work and personal life and family life. 

It’s hard for someone like me, used to As or Bs, to be ok with Pass / Fail / good enough. So I’m always stressed out and struggling to let things go. Being able to focus on being a mom makes everything so much easier. Phew. Now I’m so grateful that I could have down time to myself, I could focus on feeding and playing with baby, and not have to stay up late to do work 😊.

There are so many things I want to work on now, from introducing solids and allergens to baby, to going on trips together. We’ll be going to Point Reyes for the first time in a week and a half! Exciting stuff :)

On a side note, I also did really well on a recent OW2 scrim and felt very happy. I went on to have a win streak today. It’s making me feel that with less stress, I had better sleep and focus, and just generally played better. My mental wellbeing is better as well.

We got champagne and cheese to celebrate tonight. Here’s to the last day of work, and many new days of motherhood!

First Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day! It’s my first one, and I feel oddly excited about it, but at the same time anticlimactic as we’re not doing anything differently.

I just want to rest my poor aching body today 😅.

My lovely partner, gamely took care of baby in the morning so I get to sleep in and rest more. Thank you my love, that’s the best Mother’s Day gift I can get 😊.

Seeing baby’s smiles and giggles, that’s the other best gift I can get. And to think that I receive this gift every single day! He’s taken to pawing at my face, putting his fingers in my mouth (so I nibble on them, he always loves it and starts laughing really hard!), and also grabbing my cheeks and nose. I’m glad to be helping him practice his hand grasp motions and finger pincer skills 😂.

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Last night, I called home to wish my mom a happy Mother’s Day. I sent her orange flowers this year, which was different from the usual pink and purple pastel colors, just to switch things up haha. We ended up talking a lot about our shared experiences of raising a baby, and I felt like I am connecting with my mom in a way that I have never done before. It’s only because I am raising a child now, which had been her identity and focus most of her adult life, that we are getting closer and able to bond through our shared identity.

This is definitely an unexpected benefit, since I’ve previously been emotionally distant from my mom. She used to criticize or complain a lot, and had many negative things to say to whatever we do. I think she’s mellowed out as she got older, and became more open to positive affirmation and agreeing with us, making me feel like she’s turning towards my bid for connection (instead of turning away). I think my mom had been worried that I’ve decided to have a kid, but also glad that she can finally relate to me in a way that we just couldn’t before. I’ve arrived at the right life stage for her to understand and connect with me like peers.

I asked her questions about how I was as a baby, so we could see the similarities and differences with my baby. I didn’t have chunky thighs as a baby, so those must come from my partner. But same as my baby, I was also always curious and looking around, and I got my first teeth at 7-8 months! My baby is teething now and probably about to get his first tooth soon too (at 6.5 months)!

And I learned funny stories like for my first birthday, I stuck my fingers in the birthday cake so I could eat the cream. Apparently I was so fast my mom couldn’t even light the candles. Then after she lit the candles, I got scared of the flame, so I used my foot to kick the cake instead. Imagine baby me with hands, foot and face full of cream hahaha, it’s so funny and I can totally see my baby doing it as well! It’s wondrous to reminisce on these anecdotes together, and to look towards the future for my baby’s first birthday as well. I’m loving this 3-generation connection that’s bringing me and my mom closer together.

We also talked about how I always begged for toys but she didn’t get me any, because there’s already too many toys at home. But they’re my brother’s toys…so I used to bring 1-2 boy’s toys to school every day. Apparently this left such an impression on my kindergarten classmate that he remembered me 20 years later, as the girl who always brought boy’s toys to school!

Now that explains why I never had dolls growing up, why I’ve always felt deprived of affection as a child, and why I used to compare myself to my brother a lot. It’s because I was always getting his hand me downs, and my mom wouldn’t get me new clothes or toys that’s just for me. So I would feel like she favored my brother and not me. Now I know that’s not the case, it was just because of convenience and saving money! I am finally just realizing now that my mom wasn’t playing favorites after all.

This is helping me resolve some of my feelings / resentment towards my mom. I don’t agree with her methods, but I understand it now as something reasonable to her and how she thought was best for us. If I have a second kid, I’m going to make sure they get their own toys and clothes as well, or both kids get hand me downs from friends or fb marketplace. It’s only fair that way :)

Off to See the Beach!

Today we went to the beach with the baby for the first time. It’s his first time taking the bus, first time seeing many people, first time seeing the ocean and sand, and first time using the stroller! So many firsts for him in this one outing 😅.

It’s also a beautiful day today, which made it so nice to be out and about. Something about watching the waves roll in, seeing the birds soar and glide in formation, riding the wind, really made me feel so happy and whole. Seeing the kites fly through the blue sky, watching the sunset over the glistening water. Hearing the peaceful rhythmic sounds of the waves crashing and receding. These all calmed my senses and body, having not seen the ocean in at least a year. That’s the power of nature indeed!

Me and my husband had a wonderful time, and our baby was also on his best behavior, no fussiness or crying. We took turns carrying baby in the carrier, and then pushed him the stroller on flat surfaces, then back to carrier for the ride home. We even got to catch a mini concert by the beach! All of this made the day perfect 😍. 

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Gosh I’m soooo tired. I walked 20k steps today, a good portion of it carrying a 6 month old baby. It’s definitely not something I’d recommend doing unless you want to end up with sore muscles by the end of it. My legs, back, shoulders, arms, feet were suffering by the end of the day…but it was all worth it.

I’m excited to continue doing outings like this regularly, to keep things fresh and fun! Honestly, it felt like date night when I got to go out to fun places or try new restaurants with my husband, bringing the baby along. It’s the best kind of family outing that oddly also feels like I’m going on a date with my partner! I felt lots of happy love hormones like serotonin and oxytocin on today’s outing, which is great 😊.

Now that I know this, it’s easy to arrange dates - just bring the baby! We get two benefits at once - getting to bond with my partner through the challenges of bringing baby out and having fun through it all, while letting baby experience more of the world and see fun things too. Win-win situation, and no babysitter needed!

Cool Things

Before I forget, let me document this. Some cool things I observed today:

- Baby pushed the playpen from the inside using his arms, legs and body weight. He was pushing hard, mashing his face up against the mesh on the sides of the playpen (sooo cute), just so he can get closer to mummy / the console and try to get out. As a result of about 10min of pushing, the playpen moved a whole foot!! It’s no easy feat even for adults to push the equivalent of their own weight plus the playpen and toys from the inside (without jumping)!

- He drank from a straw cup for the first time, and after about 2-3 tries he’s sucked up milk and swallowed on his own without help from me at all! He’s learned to drink from a straw just like that 🤯. For all that I’ve heard about how it could take a few days and how hard it can be…my baby made my life so easy.

-  He reached up to grab the little white basket of washcloths and socks on top of couch, so he could chew on them. He ended up standing on the couch trying to reach them, with some support from the back of the couch! Amazing!

- He tried Greek yogurt for the first time, didn’t like it as much and made a funny face since it wasn’t sweet. But he ate it all and tried to eat the bowl. He had fun grabbing yogurt in his fingers and playing with it. What a fun mess it was! I ended up licking my own fingers with yogurt too, it’s so much fun eating messily with a child 😂.

- He also tried blueberries for the first time, cooked and mashed into a juice / puree. He loved it, must be how sweet it was and a nice texture too! I mixed some in with the yogurt so he could enjoy it more.

- I trimmed off a little of his baby hair around his ears for the first time and saved a lock of his hair. Any ideas on what to do with this hair lock?

ma ma

He said ma ma for the first time yesterday! To be fair, it’s not conscious talking, so I won’t count it as first words yet. He has been babbling a lot and trying out new sounds in his mouth and how it feels. So far he’s been saying buh buh, ba ba and da da, sometimes guh guh. More commonly, he is blowing raspberries and making bubbles with his drool and mouth. So fun! I love making the sounds back to him, it’s almost like vocal warmup exercises babbling like a baby 😆. He’s also really cute when he babbles, it makes me laugh and my heart melts, my spirits soar. What a little cutie!

Anyway, when he says da da, I would say, “Well that’s calling for daddy and not mummy, so daddy should go get you” 😅. Then I proceed to say “ma ma” a few times to him…

And yesterday he said ma ma instead!! Wow what a surprise, he’s learning so fast! 

I’m also making a spreadsheet to start planning and tracking solids for baby. People asked me what I’m going to do first when I quit, and I’m like focus on introducing solids for the next 6 months! I’m reading a book about it and learning that there’s a magical window from 6-12 months where babies will try all sorts of new foods; they will reject trying new things after 1 year old. So good to know! I’ve gotta get my baby on the foodie bandwagon hehe 😉  

I also want to take him on more trips, to go see the beach, go hiking, and maybe even an overnight trip somewhere! The possibilities are endless now that he can sit up and use the baby high chair at restaurants :) We shall see.

See the World through Your Eyes

I’m here to document a few small things I’ve observed with my baby, and reflect on the experiences for myself. He’s been growing so fast physically and mentally -- it almost feels exponential these first few months!

I never knew babies have such huge developmental leaps, and it’s fascinating to observe each and every one of them as they occur. It’s incredible to watch a living being change so much from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. 

I guess if I had raised a pet from birth, I might have had some idea of how it could be like. I had this thought the other day, that I kind of wished I was an older sibling, so I could see how a younger sibling would be like as a baby, watch my mom change diapers, raise a baby, and get a sense of these milestones. Instead, I’m just wholly unprepared for this role as a mother.

Good thing that I learn fast. I never liked change or being forced to learn things constantly, but this experience has been making me feel more comfortable being uncomfortable. To figure things out as I go, through trial and error, and not hold any real expectations. To explore the world via experimentation like a baby does.

I mimic what he does sometimes, lie on the floor to look at him from his eye level, and look at the sky outside the window and marvel at the passing clouds. I talk to him about the birds on the power lines and what they’re doing. I talk about the ceiling and walls and the cool things around the house that I’m noticing for the first time from this angle, because I’m being present with my baby and checking things out with him from a different perspective.

It’s fascinating and eye opening, and truly wonderful living life this way. I feel like I’m thriving in a way I couldn’t imagine before. I feel like I had been living life in a monotone world of routine and screens and stress and expectations before, and now the world has burst into multicolor experiences!

He’s gone through a few cool milestones, like discovering that he really loves the taste of banana over other solids we’ve introduced (must be the sweet taste!). He also randomly pulled himself up into standing for a whole minute just so he could reach and chew on the hanging handles. I was so impressed and surprised, shocked even. I am still reeling from that experience, marveling at how fast babies figure things out on their own. All he did was try whatever works to reach what he wanted, with no help needed from any adults. If only we adults can be as self sufficient and persistent in life!

I’m looking forward to more fun discovery and experiences with you, my little one :)

Unconditional Love

Every morning I wake up to this: initial crying yells of frustration, then whining that escalates to wailing, that escalate to uncontrollable sobs and cries. My heart aches for him.

But I also receive this wonderful gift everyday: those large eyes of unwavering adoration, full of unconditional love and affection, arms outstretched reaching for mummy. His smile, so wide that it shows his cute toothless gums. Sometimes a giggle. Sometimes a squeal. Sometimes a lopsided grin that he does, taking after daddy.

I’m very lucky to have this little baby in my life. It makes me soo happy to catch these glimpses of lovely moments with him everyday. It’s even more mind-boggling that this little kiddo truly loves me unconditionally. I’ve never been loved this way before, not by my family, and not even by my husband, who doesn’t show such unfettered displays of affection often.

I receive this beautiful love everyday, multiple times a day when my baby turns to look for me, and giggles at me. Every time he reaches for me, looking at me with so much love, my heart melts. How could I say no to this?

My heart is full of love for him, growing stronger everyday as I gaze at his peaceful sleeping face, look upon his adoring eyes, watch him play in contentment, and even when he cries and screams in frustration. Now I understand why mothers throw themselves in harm’s way to save their children. It is so wondrous that I can feel the same way now. 

Is this biology? Hormones? Or something else? I never knew I could feel this way. This is a gift of magical proportions, like a miracle.

Is this what it feels like to feel high on love?

I didn’t know that this is what it’s like to become a mom. For some reason, when people asked me why I wanted to have kids, I never fathomed unconditional love. I’ve always thought of it as the next big experience of life I wanted to go through, to experience leveling up of emotions, maturity and understanding of the world. All of it came to be true, but at a scale and depth that I could never have imagined. 

Now I understand why people want to have kids to feel loved or to heal their own childhood traumas. This is definitely an unexpected benefit of having a kid for me. I’m rewriting my own childhood resentments with this new experience of being a parent. 

So thank you, my little one. You are healing me with every smile, giggle and cuddle. It’s such a gift to experience you everyday.

I love you, my baby. You truly fill my days with joy and wonder.

End of an Era

I just put in my 2 weeks’ notice today, I’ll be quitting on May 16. This marks the end of my work era, and beginning my motherhood and semi-retirement era, where I focus on my baby and the little joys in life.

I have so many big emotions right now. I’m scared and nervous, since it’s my first time quitting a job. At the same time I feel relieved since I was feeling burned out and less passionate about my work. I also feel sad to say goodbye to my career woman and mentor identity, to my friends at the workplace. My team, my managers, and the people I’ve spent the past 11 years of my life with. The people I spent my adulthood with, who helped me grow and change so much professionally and personally.

Work has been my second family, my home away from home. I spent more time with them than my friends and family, especially since we were traveling together every week for projects, spending time outside of work going for dinners, lunches, hikes, jazz shows, sports games, and being stuck together in uber rides. So many fun and amusing memories, but I know it’s already been coming to an end post COVID. We’ve all drifted apart and moved on in different ways, so this is a natural close of an era for me.

I’m excited for what’s next! I probably will end up doing something again when my baby is a few years old. Whether it’s volunteering or working part time or a new job entirely for a meaningful cause, or maybe focusing on a hobby (join a dance or singing group?). I love the social aspects of work, the community and the feeling of having a second family. I will find this identity and sense of belonging for myself in this next phase of life.