A Sweet Memory

When I was little, maybe 6 or 7, I remember going on an overnight trip somewhere. It could have been when I was still in Hong Kong, or traveling somewhere in Mainland China, but for some reason I was at a nice big Chinese dinner with my school friends and somehow my mom wasn’t there.

She could have been there too, but I didn’t remember seeing her. Then I had to go to sleep early because I’m younger. My brother’s schoolmate who was 12 years old at the time and seemed so sisterly and much older, was the one who offered to take me up to my hotel room and put me to sleep.

She gave me a beautiful gift of Chinese wooden bookmarks, she sang to me, patted me slowly, and tucked me into bed. The room was dark. I remember feeling so comfortable, warm, soothed and loved, listening to her singing, seeing her dim outline as she patted me while sitting on the bed, until I fell asleep.

That’s the end of the memory, I don’t remember her face. I don’t know who she is or how she came to be there, but I remember she had long dark hair, and her name was Prudence. My mom didn’t sing and pat me to sleep when I was little (or if she did, it must have been before age 4 since I have no recollection of it). So this feeling of being put to sleep so lovingly and gently, was extra wonderful. I felt so soothed and loved, in a way that I haven’t felt before.

In hindsight, I must have been really deprived of affection as a kid. I didn’t know what I needed was to have someone comfort me like that, and even now as an adult, I crave positive affirmation and appreciation from others. I seek external validation, which makes it hard for me to accept negative words, criticism or feedback. 

Now, when my baby cries and gets fussy, I rock and pat and sing him to sleep. I don’t think anymore about how upsetting or frustrating it is to have to hold him and rock him for so long. I don’t think about how I wish he could be a good baby, the way my parents’ generation always say.

Instead, I think back to that warm memory, suffused with love and comfort, when I was being soothed in a strange and unknown place, in a dark hotel room, falling asleep. And I want to give that wonderful feeling to my baby, every single day. 

I want him to know that it’s ok to feel frustrated and sad and overwhelmed and tired and cry, as Mummy is here to love you and rock you to sleep. I will always be here to hug you and make you feel ok again, so that when you’re older, you will feel empowered and strong enough to go tackle the world head on. So that you won’t feel deprived of affection and seek validation from others. Because you’re well loved with all my heart.

Becoming the Best Version of Me

Ever since becoming a mom, I have been learning to be patient. Impatience has always been a weakness of mine, but now I want to change that. I spend a lot of time watching my kiddo strive, fail and try again. I see him growing so fast, learning and improving every single day, which makes me want to strive and improve myself too. I want to become the best version of me, for him.

What does this best version of me mean, you ask? I think it’s being calmer, patient and more understanding of others, especially when they cannot communicate through words. It’s learning to self-soothe and regulate my emotions, the way I would soothe him when he’s upset. It’s learning to give myself grace, and being more forgiving of myself, because if I’m doing that for my little one, why not for me too? 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am unleashing my inner child, letting the child live and thrive, fulfilling my childhood desires and deprivations through my experience of being a parent. I can finally be who I really am, who I want to be, without judgment. I can sing and dance with no qualms, because it’s just my baby watching me, and we are both enjoying it! It doesn’t matter how badly I botch things, as long as it makes him laugh. In fact, the more I botch things, the more interesting it is for him 😅.

I am seeing my child go through the same experiences I must have had as a kid, though unfortunately I didn’t get the affirmation I needed. Now, as I encourage and support him, affirming him and doing what’s best for him, it’s reminding me to also forgive myself and to do what’s best for my inner child too.

As a new parent, I’m always under a lot of stress with sleep deprivation and a lot of other frustrating situations. However, I know my baby is watching and learning, so it makes me want to be a better version of myself, so that my baby can learn the right ways to handle situations, and be proud of me in the future as well. He’s making me want to do better and BE better each day, and to give myself grace when I slip up.

My baby is teaching me that life is not a race. A baby’s time is on his own terms. He has no concept of what is quick or slow, what is good or not. All he’s doing is explore the world through trial and error, experience it for what it is, and being present in every single moment. My baby is not thinking, “oh I failed, so I’m giving up!”. He’s not having any of the emotional or mental or societal baggage that we live with throughout our lives.

Watching him makes me realize that I should have his mindset too. I need to learn to be more present in the moment and not be overthinking things. In fact, the process of learning and growing and living life is exactly what a baby does best. He’s truly the best teacher and therapist I can have 😅.

My baby is teaching me how to treasure every moment for what it is because once it’s past, you’ll never have it back again. 

The Little Delights

Ever since I had a baby, I’m slowly rediscovering my inner child in ways that I’ve long since forgotten. I didn’t realize how I’ve become a boring old adult over the last 20 years, and that my happy innocent ways as a child were shut down too early by my parents, teachers and society. This happened as young as when I was 7 or 8, as I could remember being scolded by a teacher for smiling too much, and by my dad for talking too much. I think they were worried I would not be taken seriously or get a job if I’m always such a chatterbox and being silly. 

But that’s what kids do, don’t they? As we grow older, we can learn to code switch - interchange between play and being serious, and we don’t have to be forced to act like adults when what we needed was to play as a kid!

I ended up confining my silly tendencies to my room and the bathroom. I used to make up imaginary stories about dinosaurs, princesses, kidnapping and saving them from gangsters, and I would act them out.  

I used to imagine I was a singer and celebrity like Rainie Yang or Cyndi Wang, and sang and danced in front of a mirror. I would practice those songs and dances (like kids do on TikTok these days), but showed them to no one but myself in the mirror. 

Now, I can finally unleash my inner child again. Recently, I’ve been singing a lot to my baby, and there’s no one to judge or laugh at me for singing random songs or acting silly. My college roommates used to joke that I was hosting yet another concert in the shower, as I would sing in the shower every day and felt so self-conscious about it. I stopped singing in the shower for a few years after that.

Now, I have a captive and rapt audience! My baby is so fascinated and happy when I sing, no matter how off tune I may be. I can make up lyrics to tunes that I barely remember, use singlish or chinglish whenever I wanted to - who cares what the actual song was like? Sometimes I compose songs and just hum and sing with made up lyrics, and I was shocked to realize I haven’t done that since I was 12! 

I danced while holding him and he was laughing and waving his arms so happily 😊😊. I was folding laundry and I started dancing with the clothes, and he was soo fascinated by it. This is making me very happy, to reconnect with my inner child and say that this is ok, no one is there to judge you, and in fact this is a fun way to engage with my baby! 

All my so-called weaknesses as a kid have become my strengths in being a mom. I’m so glad. My baby has become my therapist in that sense 😅, and giving me an outlet to release my creative tendencies again. I’ve started to pick up my old guitar so I can serenade my baby, singing while re-learning the guitar. This is another way of feeling more like myself, by doing things I enjoyed doing long before I had a baby.

I spend time reading next to my baby, and use funny voices to act out the voice lines. I used to mime and act in drama club as a kid, and using these funny voices really brought me back to those days when I could be free and creative. Now I’m reliving my carefree days again, and it’s giving both me and my baby so much joy and happiness.

I am grateful that I have not lost my child at heart. I hope that I can continue to cherish and remember the little delights in life, and not become a boring old mom that my kids end up resenting in the future…