How to Be a Great Parent (Person?)

Here's a great (but wordy) article I read about how to respect your child when you disagree, teach them empathy and problem solving skills. Summary is that kids want to make things work with us, they haven't build up the skills to listen, understand our perspectives, and come up with solutions. So they just say "No!" and throw a tantrum. We need to teach them these skills, or they'll turn out to think that only with power can they make other people do what they want (instead of influence, problem solving, and other emotionally intelligent skills).

As I read this, I realised it totally works for us adults too - how we can use the same exact words and skills with our coworkers, our partners, our parents...guess we still act like a child sometimes when it comes to getting what we want. I'm going to try practicing these skills more!

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2019/02/fantastic-parent/

Here are the important points for me from the article, that I'll likely refer to over and over:

Step 1: Empathy 

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.

“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”

E.g., “I’ve noticed we’ve been having some difficulty when it’s time to do your homework. What’s up?”

Be calm and gentle. This isn’t an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, “I don’t know” or silence. That’s okay. Frankly, the kid probably doesn’t know. They probably haven’t thought that much about it. It’s okay. Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify.

And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.

Step 2: Define The Problem

The “Defining the problem” step is when your needs enter into the equation.

“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)

Calm and gentle. Avoid the word “you” because it’s going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word “I” and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people’s perspectives. 

Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Let’s build some more skills.

Step 3: The Invitation

Don't solve the problem for them!!

“I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

This teaches them to take other people’s feelings into consideration when problem-solving — which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands. Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn’t just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you’re interested in their ideas.

Step 3.5: Follow-Up (I created this title as a separation haha)

In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:

1. It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
2. It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.

For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. That’s understandable, these are skills to be learned. So let’s start teaching — but not by lecturing. Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. Don’t say, “That’s a terrible idea.” There are no bad solutions here, only ones that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.

“Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.” 

And let them try again. They’re learning to think about others’ feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you’re done for now. They’ll be more likely to follow through because it’s their solution.

You’ll know you’re making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it’s more realistic or more mutually satisfying. In fact, it’s good if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that you’re both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if it’s truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until it’s been tried.

Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So don’t expect immediate miracles. Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders.

Reflections on Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year you all! Quick disclaimer: this post will be kind of depressing, but I’m sure most of you can relate. I’d really appreciate it if you can reach out to me and let me know how you deal with this; any suggestions or advice would be helpful.

 ———————

It’s Chinese New Year again, and I’m feeling conflicted and torn about it. Usually I feel homesick during this time of the year, because I think about all the happy and fun festivities of CNY back home and kind of miss it.

Growing up, it used to be the best time of the year for me - you get two days off, but really you’re celebrating for 15 days (and the preparation and anticipation leading up to it makes it feel more like one month!) It’s like Christmas for us, but way better, it’s fun with all the best and yummiest food and goodies and bakkwa and pineapple tarts! It’s reunion and time with family and people I love, it’s getting actual money (not just gifts) and it’s buying new clothes and shoes and playing happy music and the beginnings of spring and celebration! It’s at the start of the year but after we’ve had a month or so of school, so we get something to look forward to, to get over back-to-school blues.

But now I feel like it’s something I’ve grown apart from, that I’m no longer quite Chinese or Singaporean, but a lot more Americanized. I had the sudden realization that I missed talking in Chinese, missed listening and singing along to the Chinese New Year songs, and that my kids are going to lose a lot of this Chinese culture and experience. And it’s because I’m making a life choice to move away from my Chinese and Singaporean identity. My kids are not going to learn the CNY songs or all the customs or the Chinese legends / myths and festivals because of me.

I feel lost, like I don’t belong back home or here. I feel like I’m losing my language, culture, identity, and I don’t know what to do in life anymore. How do I recreate my life compass and identities? It makes me afraid to think that I’m losing something I’ve always been holding on to as a child - in fact I probably already have - and now where do I begin? Where do I go from here?

I know it’s part of growing up and realizing that I want something more individualistic and not quite what I’d been taught to believe in as a child, but this is a difficult struggle. How do all of you deal with your clashing of ideals and values, of past present and future, of things taught of old vs what you’re discovering for yourself now? There are things I don’t like about CNY now, and I feel sad about it. It’s things like how my relatives will always be asking the same two questions (at a minimum) - When are you moving home? When are you getting married?

If I don’t have a boyfriend, they’ll ask why don’t you have a boyfriend? Like it’s a crime to be single and happy. As though it’s my moral obligation and filial duty to be married and have kids and keep all my family’s mind at ease. I bristle at the thought of defining success so narrowly, that we have to be following this ladder of success - college, job, marriage, house, kids - in order to be considered “happy” and “successful”. Anything that deviates from this path is considered a failure, that you’re not filial or doing what needs to be done to make your family happy. Perhaps it made sense in the past, when family units were the best way to survive and do well in society, but now there are so many other ways of living and thriving! I just want to rebel and go against all these expectations, and question the assumptions behind them, whenever my relatives ask during CNY.

But no, I don’t engage in this fight, I just let it slide. I smile and make peace and say yeah no boyfriend yet, or yeah I have a bf but not married yet, or yeah maybe I’ll move back in a few years. I nod and smile and let things go.

There are other questions that hurt more sometimes, such as “you’ve grown fat/bigger!” I think the reason I’ve started to avoid going home for CNY is to avoid dealing with awkward questions like that - how do you respond to opinions/advice/judgment from your relatives, that are really passed off as rhetorical questions? I don’t really want to go home just to be judged for who I am, or what I do. But maybe that’s what family is about - you owe it to yourself and to them to explain who you are, that it’s ok for me to be different, that I can be happier the way I am.

I’m lucky that I’m not so different from the expected social norms...I shudder to imagine what some of my friends have to deal with given that they’re walking the less trodden path.

In the US, I’ve seen funny thanksgiving commercials where relatives argue over contentious issues like religion or political beliefs, but somehow those sort of things don’t hurt me personally. Only things that my family and relatives say about me can make me feel insecure, because they’re attacking my identity and self-image directly, and I do care about their opinion of me. I guess people here also have to deal with judgment from relatives too, and it’s not a unique issue to me - everyone grows up and changes who they are over time.

I’d love to hear what all your thoughts are, how you’ve dealt with your struggles, maybe how you’re dealing with them even now. I don’t want to lose my family ties and closeness to my relatives - maybe I just need to have thicker skin and not be as affected by what others say or think. I think I’m getting stronger now, and that I’d be emotionally and mentally ready for Chinese New Year next year.

What do you all think?