Something incredible happened

Something incredible just happened this week. I heard from my Managing Director that I got promoted from Associate to Senior Associate. I couldn't believe my ears, I was so dazed. I don't think I've ever been this blindsided by good news before. I didn't know what to say and just kept saying thank you, and in the back of my mind, I was feeling elated and incredibly under-qualified and at the same time, feeling enormous guilt.

And here's why.

It's a historic moment - I'm the first female at our firm to be promoted to Senior Associate from entry-level analyst, and so quickly - in 4 years and 9 months. That means it only took me 2 years to be promoted from Associate to Senior Associate, and it usually takes most other people 3-5 years to be promoted, and even then, most don't get promoted. They stay at Associate for a long while and they leave before they get promoted, or they joined as an experienced hire as an Associate and don't get promoted.

And for context, it took me 2 years and 9 months to be promoted from Analyst to Associate, so this promotion is really fast in the career progression at our firm. It's amazing, fascinating, and unbelievable. I can't believe it.

This promotion is really just a title change though, since my compensation and bonus isn't really jumping that much (compared to Analyst to Associate), so it's more like a typical compensation increase from year to year.

As for why I feel under-qualified - a Senior Associate means a manager role. A lead role. I don't feel ready for either of that. I have no experience managing people, and I am doing my first lead role now which has only me myself and I, and already I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have enough guidance, coaching or mentorship from others at my firm. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to do, and asking people stuff, and trying to delegate work where possible. I know I'll eventually figure it out, but how long do I need to fake it till I make it? I think it will take me at least another 2 years to figure out how to be a manager properly, and have some experience leading teams / projects with multiple people on it.

That leads me to the last point - my enormous guilt. I have been feeling jaded and burned out with my current role as a consultant, and didn't gain much pleasure or enjoyment from the work. I'm 5 years into consulting, which is much longer than others in the industry / in my company; most people leave after 2 or 3 years. I'm looking for a change, I want to try something different / new, and I want to work with consistent teams and focus on a product that I can push/grow, and I don't want to travel as much anymore. I have gotten used to being local and building a routine around it, with good sleep and dance classes and spending time with my bf.

Thus I have been reflecting on my work / life goals, and am trying to find ways to combine my passion with work. Based on my understanding of who I am, my personality type and interests, I enjoy volunteering and helping others be successful (whether it's getting into college, or getting that promotion at work). So I'm looking into doing something in the education space, or health and wellness (meditation? coaching?) space, maybe in tech. Eventually, I might want to become a coach, or a therapist, since I really enjoy helping other people and empowering others directly, and not so much helping rich companies get richer.

There is this Japanese concept of ikigai https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikigai that I'm using as a framework to figure out what I want to pursue in my next years. This neat little graphic sums it up - I'm looking for something closer to ikigai, the intersection of what I love to do, what I'm good at, what the world needs, and what I can get paid for. That would be meaningful work that won't feel like work!

But short of finding ikigai, I'm hoping to do something that's closer to a mission and passion that also makes $$. Also, my bf recommended this site to me, this might be helpful for you all in figuring out the right career path for you: https://80000hours.org/career-guide/

When should I really make the move then, now that I'm being re-affirmed in my current role?

Two articles on depression and parents

These two articles really resonate with me, and I hope they’re interesting for you too.

The first article helped me understand and distinguish depression from sadness. It’s a good reminder for times when I’m feeling sad / depressed so I’ll know the difference. Seems like it’s time to slow down and really look inwards, really introspect.

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-depression/?

Another article on being angry with my parents that I totally resonate with...I’m not sure I’ll ever do this but it’s good to know how if I’m ever ready to:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-being-angry-with-a-parent/

Happy Mother’s Day 2019

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

This year, I decided to deviate from the norm and get my mum paper flowers instead of fresh flowers for Mother’s Day! I hope that my mum will appreciate them. I saw these potted orchid flowers by my friend Miss Petal and Bloom and I just loved them! Plus these flowers will last longer so maybe I’ll get to see them when I go back next year. I always felt a little sad that I’ll never get to see the fresh flowers my mum got from me every time I send them to her.

Here’s a picture from the website, you should definitely check out her other flowers too! She does weddings and flower making workshops among other things.

Here’s the mother’s day note I wrote for my mum, hope it’s not too cheesy xD

亲爱的妈咪，

母亲节快乐！今年女儿送的花比往年特别，是胡姬花、像妈咪一样漂亮高贵。这盆花也不会凋谢、好让妈咪长久的保留着。这样妈咪想念女儿的时候，就可以看着我送的胡姬花而感到欣慰。希望下次我回家的时候，我们能一起欣赏这美丽盛开的花朵。

我人虽在美国、但依然会想念你跟爸爸。希望你们继续健康快乐、青春永驻！

女儿沈约彤上