I've just graduated from the most accelerated and intensive growth, self-discovery and self-improvement course, which lasted 2 years and 2 months! Yes, I've just walked out of my first relationship, bruised and hurt but so much stronger, more self-aware and more emotionally and intellectually mature than I've ever been before.
I don't regret the 2 prime years of my youth spent with him, in fact it's the happiest, most fruitful and eventful 2 years of my life. I've learnt so much pretty much for free (or maybe earned some money from him treating me so much! And from living together) that I can't believe it. I feel almost sorry for him, because I've learnt and grown so much, whereas for him he's only stagnated and maybe regressed. To console myself, at least he's learnt tolerance and patience! And better understood girls and how normal average people think! And hopefully gained some happiness out of it too!
The reason we decided to break up is incompatibility. Now this is such a vague term that everyone throws around and no one really knows what you mean, but after going through it, I finally understand. He is someone who likes to play to win. He isn't afraid of pain and suffering, he isn't afraid of failures or embarrassments or being wrong or doing something stupid. In fact he relishes it, because this way he can really learn from his mistakes and grow. Me on the other hand, I play not to lose. I cower and hide my insecurities and fears behind a shield that says hey I'm contented just the way I am, and I cruise through life without suffering and I think, success! It's not a bad thing, but it means I'll never become a better person. I'll stagnate and I'll become a typical judgmental person who listens to no one but myself, and that's not really who I want to be. I know I can improve and become play to win eventually, but it's going to take time, and in the meantime I'm just holding him back. That's why I'm letting him go, and we both can be happier. I can do things at my own pace in my own way, while he can go check out the world some more and find girls who are a better fit for him. So yeah, i guess it is a peaceful breakup. And I hope we remain good friends, because he is a really awesome friend and mentor and teacher and advisor. Great guy with his unique flaws.
And this is really hard to explain unless you've already gone through it before, but now I understand all the love songs where they are crazy blinded with love, and also the hurt and pain and misery of rejection and break up. The depression when you feel like you are not wanted or loved, where your self-esteem and happiness and sanity hang by a thread and change according to his whims and wishes and feelings and mood and glance for the day. That's how it's like when you're in love, where you sacrifice and compromise so much for him, and he does the same for you. When you intertwine two complete strangers' lives and put them together in the same room, day in and day out.
It's life changing. It's crazy. And it's a hell of a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, and of course more downs than ups towards the end, which means it will eventually hit the ground and it's time to cruise to a stop and separate ways. I loved him, and I still do, but I know he's unhappy and I know I'm unhappy, so we are letting each other go.
At first I blamed him because I thought he's just indecisive, that he wants some ideal girl that doesn't exist realistically and even if she does, he won't get to meet her and fall in love with her. And I'm going to become such an awesome person that he's going to regret leaving me and he will come back to me. I still feel a little that way now.
But now I know I should improve for my own sake. He's shown me how wide the world is and how lacking we all are, how much more we have to learn constantly, to grow and improve. I've had a taste of it and I can't have enough, and I'm going to keep working to become a better person. I'm going to spend this time to work on myself and rediscover my passions and all my friends again.
And that spells the end of a chapter and the beginning of the rest of my life.
