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As all of you well know, we are in the middle of a global pandemic right now, also known as COVID-19. When I was in Singapore for CNY earlier in Jan, COVID-19 was just starting to be a concern there and in Asia, but not so much in the US. When I flew to SF in early Feb, cases started to rise a lot more in Singapore (meaning cluster of 10+ cases a day) and I saw how Singapore mobilized and prepared its citizens for it, but somehow there wasn't as much fear or concern paid to it when I got back to SF. Interesting.
In the past 2 months, I got to see how my home country Singapore reacted to COVID-19, compared to my resident country the US, and what a stark contrast it was. I know it's a lot to do with politics, distributed government structure (federal vs state), the economy, individualistic culture, among other things. But in a global pandemic situation, everyone needs to play their part for each other, not just by state or by country, but working together as a whole world. It pains me to see so many people suffering and dying unnecessary deaths, when they wouldn't have died if the US had done things differently, earlier.
Still, I am grateful for everything I have - a loving bf, a home, a dog to play with, work that hasn't quite been affected just yet so I can work from home well, plus the freedom to still take walks outside and go grocery shopping. In the past 2 months, I've started focusing on setting up routines, picking up meditation again, cooking more, and re-connecting with friends and family through video chat.
Last week, however, things started changing for me. After talking with my friends, family, and a month of "shelter in place", I did a lot more introspection and self-reflection and came up with 4 realizations:
- People's suffering has become personal
In the past 2 months, logically I knew that the economy would be hard hit. All the workers in the restaurant, airline, travel industries -- essentially any service-oriented hospitality businesses -- would be laid off first. Gig economy workers who don't have benefits would also be hard hit. We saw the numbers come in -- 3.3 million people in the US applied for unemployment benefits in the first week alone, which was our highest ever record. They're expecting 40-50 million Americans to lose their jobs by the end of this. I feel bad for them. Still, it was a statistic to me - I stopped brooding on it and thought about gratitude and appreciation for what I have.
Quickly, I started wondering about my own job -- I know my project is doing fine and would go on till July this year, but after that we might not have much client work. Some of our new projects are being put on hold and clients are likely to not start any new work with us, so I can see that my company would be hard hit in Q3 or Q4. Would we have layoffs this year? Would I be ok? In fact, raises and bonuses are coming next month, we are all thinking it would be affected because of what's ahead of us.
Then I spoke with my friends around the world, and they have been anxious and worried about their jobs. Everyone is concerned about job insecurity, and those who own HDBs back home have been seeing their tenants ask for lower rent. The downstream impacts of this pandemic to the economy, to all of us, are happening sooner than I thought. Because they're my friends, their suffering has become personal to me, and it's no longer a statistic.
It's been hard for me because I don't know how to help my friends or what to say to comfort them. I feel helpless, helpless, and that been the toughest part for me. Some of my coworkers have been telling me it's a matter of perspective -- we are much better off than other countries who don't even have running water and soap to wash their hands. We are still so young, it's going to be ok, we will find other jobs and we will get through this fine.
I agree logically, but it's minimizing everyone's anxiety and feelings. My biggest realization was that this is our first recession as adults, so now we have financial obligations and responsibilities to worry about, like job security, rent, mortgages, etc. There has always been recessions, and there will be more recessions in the future, so taking this perspective does help somewhat. Still, it doesn't mean it gets easier every time we get hit with a recession, but it means we have to be resilient and prepared and most importantly -- realise it's not the end of the world. We're all in this together, and we shall weather through it together.
I've decided that all I can do to help my friends is just listen and support them, and be there for each other. - Gratitude towards my parents, who sheltered me from financial worries and troubles
With the thought that this is my first recession as an adult, I had another realization that I've been so sheltered and protected from these financial concerns since I was a kid. I never had to worry about the recessions in 1998 (HK financial crisis), 2000 (Dot com bubble), 2001 (9/11), 2003 (SARS) or 2008 financial crisis...the list goes on. So I felt super grateful and appreciative of my parents, because I knew they tried their best to protect me from these worries. They didn't want me to worry about money or their jobs or anything about the house.
I know this isn't necessarily the right thing for parents to do, because they should prepare their kids to be financially independent and aware of recessions, so they know to invest and save and prepare ahead of time. Maybe if they had taught me about recessions and how they handled them, it would prepare me mentally and emotionally now, so I wouldn't feel as anxious. Or maybe it wouldn't have made any difference xD.
Still, I know this is the Asian way of showing love. To me, it showed the true extent of my parents' love, so I'm really thankful and grateful to them for caring for me in this way. I reached out to them and checked in with them emotionally, which was really difficult for me because we never talk about feelings or emotions. I think my parents appreciated it, and I hope to continue to keep it up and provide them emotional support in the coming months as Singapore goes into shelter in place mode too. - Worried about inequity in relationships
My 3rd realization was around my mindset towards "equal" responsibility distribution in relationships. My bf and I have been working from home and staying home 24/7 for the past month. While we have lived together for 1.5 years now, I'm usually traveling or in the office, or if I'm working from home my bf's usually in the office. We haven't really had to work from home together in the small 1 bedroom apartment we've got.
Now, the working arrangement is that I'm using the one desk we have in the apartment (it's his), including his monitor and chair. He's been working on an uncomfortable chair at our dining table. Because I'm on calls and video calls so often, it's been hard for me to figure out a good way to present screens and talk at the same time, so we ended up agreeing that I should take the working desk. When we both have meetings, my bf is the one who moves to the bedroom to take calls. Again, it's because I have a lot more meetings all day, so he's willing to be the nomad in the house to find the quiet corner of the apartment. I felt bad for taking over his desk, chair, monitor, and everything, plus making him move for my meetings. Ugh.
Let's compound that guilt with yet another one - cooking. He prefers that we cook, because it's healthier, tastier, and saves way more money. I agree, except it takes up a lot more time, and I don't have too much time/leeway/flexibility to be cooking during the work day. Very quickly, I realised that I have much longer working hours than my bf. I'm waking up earlier than him (7+ or 8 while he wakes at 9+). I was working till 7 while he was done earlier (or rather can take a break from work earlier). He has time to make breakfast in the morning, walk the dog, then make lunch or dinner, or heating up leftovers for me while I'm busy with work.
I was ok with him doing that once or twice, as long as I could help out with cooking or making dinner the other times so it feels more equal. However, all last week I was super busy and he ended up being the one taking care of all the meals the whole week. I felt bad, guilty, and frustrated. If we were ordering in, I could order the food and take care of meals that way, but if it's cooking, I don't have the time to do that. It ends up being inequitable, where I'm not contributing to cooking or household chores, while he is doing everything. What's more, we're now using the dishwasher so I don't even need to wash the dishes. He's the one loading the dishes (because he cooked) and starting it up!
I spoke to a few people about it, and they said there's no such thing as inequitable in a relationship. It's a partnership -- whoever is working less should help take care of the other person and vice versa. That's what a relationship means. I realised that my mindset has been influenced by my family's traditional values, where women took care of the household chores and cooking, whether they worked or not. I wanted to contribute equally but couldn't, and I felt bad for letting him take care of me all the time. I wouldn't have liked it if it was the reverse situation, where I had to do all the chores and he was busy working. Maybe that's why I felt so uncomfortable and frustrated. There's no good way around it, I'm doing to him what I wouldn't have wanted him to do to me -- and what men worldwide are doing to women - expecting them to work and take care of the house at the same time!
This week I'm going to try to work less to help him out, or at least cook some on the weekends so I don't feel so bad. In the case where this situation persists, should I just let him cook and do everything? I don't think my bf minds as much that he's cooking, but I don't know how I should feel about this. Maybe I just need to change my mindset. Any suggestions? - Who do I choose to be during COVID-19?
Some of you would have seen me post this on my FB, and I shared it with my coworkers, friends and family as well. While we feel helpless, like we have no choice in the pandemic and economic downturn, we do have a choice in our mindset and how we respond.
I am in the learning zone, and have been touching the growth zone in parts. I know I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do to get to being fully present, fully appreciating what I have and who I have around me. It's interesting that I skipped the fear zone for the most part, because of my trusting and optimistic nature. I believe that the government would take care of us, and that we as a community can figure things out as we go. I am in a position of privilege, where I knew in the worst case, I can go back to Singapore and I know I'll be taken care of.
I did read up about COVID-19, but not too much because I kindof knew how it was going to be like (from being in Singapore and knowing what SARS was like). I am also generally apathetic to politics and affairs of this sort xD, so I focused more on what we can do and learn in this time. My boss gave us homework to think about what are some goals we want to work on during this time, so that years from now we can look back and say - hey we did something meaningful during COVID-19!
There are my personal goals for the coming months -- not sure how successful I'll be, but let's try! The best learning occurs in the process of striving...
- Keep up my reading goals (30/year)
- Meditate everyday
- Walk for 30min everyday (ideally outside, until we're not allowed to anymore)
- Cook more and eat healthier with more veggies (= spend less money)
- Track my spending, set budgets, and yes spend less money
- Continue volunteering as a mentor and being an emotional support for my mentee - maybe find more opportunities to volunteer elsewhere and help with COVID-19
- Support friends as all of us go through stages of anxiety and worry
- Check in on family everyday
- Spend more quality time with my bf and dog
- Maybe find something I want to learn - and go learn it!
