I woke up this morning and realized that I’m sad. I’m feeling hurt. I’m mad, I’m upset, and I feel used.
I’ve been going on dates with this guy that I thought was a nice guy, perfectly normal and even though we don’t have much in common, we still liked each other. He would say these funny nice things to me and make me so happy. I decided to give him a chance because he’s different from all the other guys I’ve dated before - he’s “simple, basic” (in his own words), he’s not complicated and doesn’t overanalyze or overthink things the way I (or everyone else around me) do. I thought we could date for a while and see where things go, get to know each other better. I thought he would make a good companion and emotional support, without us being in a long-term relationship. That’s a pretty good deal both ways, isn’t it?
However, he turned out to be just like every other guy here. He started to pull back and text me less frequently, and stopped asking me out. I’m the one who had to keep trying and asking to see when we could see each other again, when we’re both next free...I understood that we were both busy, but if you like each other you’d make it work right? After 2-3 weeks of trying, I realized he just wasn’t that into me and he probably didn’t want to see me. So I asked him if he had a moment to chat on the phone. I’d hate to do it over text, given that we’ve been seeing each other on and off for the past 3 months. He called me back and sounded so happy to talk to me that I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question I was going to ask - I think you don’t want to see me at all. Should I stop trying?
I guess 我还是心太软.
Following that, I didn’t think I would be hurt because I rationalized it to myself logically. I’ve prepared myself for the worst / inevitable and started to detach myself from him, thinking - how would I feel if we don't ever speak again? I thought I'd be sad for a little while, but I'd get over it quickly. We finally saw each other again for a date yesterday - little did I know it would really be our final, last one.
It seems like I got hurt after all. I did like him, at least the him who liked me back and was nice to me. I was infatuated with the idea of love, of someone who could care for me without needing all that intellectual discussion or thinking. I thought that we could have 简单爱. I thought I'm the cold-hearted one, that I’d be the one to break things off with him and walk away from this first.
I was wrong. I wasn’t prepared for the worst after all - the worst is when the guy is being indecisive about it. It’s not that he doesn’t like me, he finds me really smart, attractive, nice...he likes me and wants to keep hanging out with me. But...wait for it: he’s not ready for a long term relationship, he was in a 5-year long one and it’s not what he’s looking for right now. Wait why is this sounding so familiar?
That’s fine, a super long-term relationship isn't what I’m looking for either, but I definitely want something more committed, even if we’re seeing other people at the same time. But he wants to set “parameters” on the relationship so I won’t get hurt or disappointed. Uh so what does that really mean?
He suggested for us to see each other when we want to see each other. That's super vague - how do I know when he wants to see me? How do I know when I want to see him?? There's inherent imbalance and a lot of hand-waving that I don't like here.
I didn’t think too much about it, just that over the course of this final date I felt less and less into it, and at the end I told him - you tell me when you want to see me, I’m not going to ask you. I was getting really frustrated because I didn’t know how exactly I was feeling, and I didn't know what to make of this fluffy hand-waviness.
I think that means we’ll never see each other again.
This morning when I woke up, my brain finally caught up to my heart. Oh crap. What he is looking for is someone he can keep around for emotional and physical intimacy, someone he can hang out with whenever he wants to without the commitment of a relationship. What's the difference between that and a friend?
It's a friend with benefits, that's what it is. Wow, that hurts. Big time.
So I started to compare my relationship with him with this other guy I really liked but never kissed or had any physical touch with, and with another guy who actually did want friends with benefits and was really clear about it. All 3 of them were essentially looking for the same thing, but I think the other two were less cruel than this one indecisive dude, who made me believe for a moment that there are nice guys in this world who actually would be decent enough to want to date me, and not keep me around just for comfort.
I guess I’m just jaded about dating, love and relationships now. I'm starting to feel disappointed in the dating scene here, and I feel like I will never really find someone I love, who will love me in return.
Where do I go from here?
