Now, everytime I read love stories, I'm going to think of my relationship with him. It makes me happy and sad...but it's nostalgic in a way, that everytime I read romance or watch romance it will make me think of him and me, together, once. The way I used to feel and the way I still feel sometimes, the way I soar with happiness and the way I fall with despair. It's going to take a while to get used to this.
Have you ever felt that overwhelming wave of sadness overcome you? Feel it rising but pushing it down, trying not to give in to it but you realise you should just let it out? It happened to me, reading a love story on the plane, and as I walked through the airport I was struggling to keep myself together, to get to the nearest ladies' room so I can sob my heart out. But when I do, I feel hollow, like all I'm mourning is the loss of something good, kindof a wishful thinking of a child who never wants to grow up. I'm wishing that me, too, could be loved for just being who I am, and there could be someone waiting for me, putting his arms around me.
Then I blink away my tears and think of the future, where I will be loved for who I am and there will be someone else putting his arms around me. That I will be happy, and no longer depending on another person's 认可 to be happy. I guess that's how I've been dealing with the situation all this while, thinking of the brighter future. These days I even surprise myself at how happy and calm I've been going through this!
But sometimes, just sometimes, it gets unbearable and I let it wash over me. I guess I'll have to get used to it, where out of the blue, anything can bring that feeling back on.
