The Little Delights

Ever since I had a baby, I’m slowly rediscovering my inner child in ways that I’ve long since forgotten. I didn’t realize how I’ve become a boring old adult over the last 20 years, and that my happy innocent ways as a child were shut down too early by my parents, teachers and society. This happened as young as when I was 7 or 8, as I could remember being scolded by a teacher for smiling too much, and by my dad for talking too much. I think they were worried I would not be taken seriously or get a job if I’m always such a chatterbox and being silly. 

But that’s what kids do, don’t they? As we grow older, we can learn to code switch - interchange between play and being serious, and we don’t have to be forced to act like adults when what we needed was to play as a kid!

I ended up confining my silly tendencies to my room and the bathroom. I used to make up imaginary stories about dinosaurs, princesses, kidnapping and saving them from gangsters, and I would act them out.  

I used to imagine I was a singer and celebrity like Rainie Yang or Cyndi Wang, and sang and danced in front of a mirror. I would practice those songs and dances (like kids do on TikTok these days), but showed them to no one but myself in the mirror. 

Now, I can finally unleash my inner child again. Recently, I’ve been singing a lot to my baby, and there’s no one to judge or laugh at me for singing random songs or acting silly. My college roommates used to joke that I was hosting yet another concert in the shower, as I would sing in the shower every day and felt so self-conscious about it. I stopped singing in the shower for a few years after that.

Now, I have a captive and rapt audience! My baby is so fascinated and happy when I sing, no matter how off tune I may be. I can make up lyrics to tunes that I barely remember, use singlish or chinglish whenever I wanted to - who cares what the actual song was like? Sometimes I compose songs and just hum and sing with made up lyrics, and I was shocked to realize I haven’t done that since I was 12! 

I danced while holding him and he was laughing and waving his arms so happily 😊😊. I was folding laundry and I started dancing with the clothes, and he was soo fascinated by it. This is making me very happy, to reconnect with my inner child and say that this is ok, no one is there to judge you, and in fact this is a fun way to engage with my baby! 

All my so-called weaknesses as a kid have become my strengths in being a mom. I’m so glad. My baby has become my therapist in that sense 😅, and giving me an outlet to release my creative tendencies again. I’ve started to pick up my old guitar so I can serenade my baby, singing while re-learning the guitar. This is another way of feeling more like myself, by doing things I enjoyed doing long before I had a baby.

I spend time reading next to my baby, and use funny voices to act out the voice lines. I used to mime and act in drama club as a kid, and using these funny voices really brought me back to those days when I could be free and creative. Now I’m reliving my carefree days again, and it’s giving both me and my baby so much joy and happiness.

I am grateful that I have not lost my child at heart. I hope that I can continue to cherish and remember the little delights in life, and not become a boring old mom that my kids end up resenting in the future…