A Sweet Memory

When I was little, maybe 6 or 7, I remember going on an overnight trip somewhere. It could have been when I was still in Hong Kong, or traveling somewhere in Mainland China, but for some reason I was at a nice big Chinese dinner with my school friends and somehow my mom wasn’t there.

She could have been there too, but I didn’t remember seeing her. Then I had to go to sleep early because I’m younger. My brother’s schoolmate who was 12 years old at the time and seemed so sisterly and much older, was the one who offered to take me up to my hotel room and put me to sleep.

She gave me a beautiful gift of Chinese wooden bookmarks, she sang to me, patted me slowly, and tucked me into bed. The room was dark. I remember feeling so comfortable, warm, soothed and loved, listening to her singing, seeing her dim outline as she patted me while sitting on the bed, until I fell asleep.

That’s the end of the memory, I don’t remember her face. I don’t know who she is or how she came to be there, but I remember she had long dark hair, and her name was Prudence. My mom didn’t sing and pat me to sleep when I was little (or if she did, it must have been before age 4 since I have no recollection of it). So this feeling of being put to sleep so lovingly and gently, was extra wonderful. I felt so soothed and loved, in a way that I haven’t felt before.

In hindsight, I must have been really deprived of affection as a kid. I didn’t know what I needed was to have someone comfort me like that, and even now as an adult, I crave positive affirmation and appreciation from others. I seek external validation, which makes it hard for me to accept negative words, criticism or feedback. 

Now, when my baby cries and gets fussy, I rock and pat and sing him to sleep. I don’t think anymore about how upsetting or frustrating it is to have to hold him and rock him for so long. I don’t think about how I wish he could be a good baby, the way my parents’ generation always say.

Instead, I think back to that warm memory, suffused with love and comfort, when I was being soothed in a strange and unknown place, in a dark hotel room, falling asleep. And I want to give that wonderful feeling to my baby, every single day. 

I want him to know that it’s ok to feel frustrated and sad and overwhelmed and tired and cry, as Mummy is here to love you and rock you to sleep. I will always be here to hug you and make you feel ok again, so that when you’re older, you will feel empowered and strong enough to go tackle the world head on. So that you won’t feel deprived of affection and seek validation from others. Because you’re well loved with all my heart.