Bittersweet Christmas

I haven’t really been on social media much these days, it’s like I’ve grown out of them or have just lost interest in posting on fb, on my blog, or even stalking what other ppl are doing or saying on fb. My bf was just telling me that I got tagged on some photo on fb, so finally today, on Christmas Day, I went onto fb and looked through my feed.

Interestingly, within the top 10 posts, a third of them were about people getting married or engaged. I guess Christmas time is the time for people to put a ring on it! And I’d forgotten, but I saw a mutual friend’s post about my ex’s wedding in Singapore. He posted 5 group photos, with my ex and his now wife, at their wedding. I’d blogged about it once before, in January when I first learned that they were getting married, and the bittersweet feelings I had. So I wasn’t surprised, but I felt incredibly drawn to everything that had happened at their wedding.

I became somewhat obsessed, like I wanted to see, stalk, experience everything, so I went to my ex’s page and kept scrolling through all the friends’ posts, all the wedding photos, the music, the friends’ trips in Singapore. I couldn’t stop, and all the while I felt pretty neutral about it, quite happy for them too. But I think I’m just lying to myself, hiding away the negative feelings I have, which I’m about to tell you about.

I kept coming up with stories like - oh I’m sure they picked a Chinese song to play here, oh his mum must have planned all this part and made him do it, or oh all the primary school classmates probably thought it was so romantic that they’d stay in touch and end up getting married almost 20 years later. I realised I started feeling lonely, nostalgic, sad, lost, and like I didn’t matter. That people have all these stories and they’ve moved on with their idyllic life and I don’t matter anymore. I was telling myself all these stories, because somehow I wanted to make myself matter, like I’m important in this narrative, that I too, deserve a happily ever after. I was scared that I’ve been left behind, and would never have a happily ever after.

Then I thought, I don’t want to want a happily ever after! It’s a romantic ideal that isn’t even real. I know that weddings are just a show of happiness, doesn’t mean that everything’s perfect. In fact, no relationship is ever perfect. But a part of me just wanted to hold on to the romantic ideals - of a beautiful wedding, marriage, kids, loving husband who showers me with gifts and appreciation all the time, and the realistic part of me knows it’s not going to be all rosy. I know it’s too much to ask of a person to do everything romantic you want, all the romantic gestures. That I’m attributing way too much importance to all that. I should focus on what’s real, the little things that matter, that show our love for each other.

I started beating myself over it, berating myself - come on grow up! You know there are no happily ever afters in this world, life is not a fairytale story. I started an internal fight with myself, just different selves with different perspectives trying to convince each other of their truth, and coming to the climactic explosion of realization that - we will never be ok with this. We will always be struggling against what we’ve internalized as romance and love ideals, versus the very real lives we live in. So all of it doesn’t really matter. I just need to let go of these expectations and emotions and live in my present moment. And that’s enough.

But I’m just sad. I’m mourning, grieving the loss of my little girl self, the little girl who wanted to live like a princess, have a prince that would carry her to safety, the ideals of marriage and romance and things that society and books and tv shows and movies and the Internet and your parents and school and even your peers, constantly reinforce. This idyllic version of love and romance, doesn’t exist. So I just had a tough time this morning letting it go, and I don’t think I’ll ever completely let it go. Maybe as I grow wiser and older and more mature, this gets easier. But we’ll see.

I’ll be sure to tell my little girls that they should live life the way they believe is right, and not to live by these expectations that were created as part of romantic ideals. They should create their own romance, and not follow what everybody else says.

Sorry for this depressing post on Christmas Day. I hope everyone else is having much happier thoughts than me today, and not struggling with internal expectations and wanting to grow up without going through all the pain that’s necessary to make us stronger...and yes, merry Christmas to you too.