This is so unfair for Bruiser. He was such a good dog. He was just being a dog. He was a dog that's like a cat, the kind of dog that kept to himself and not bother me, not bark or bite or pounce or do anything to scare me, and in that way he endeared himself to me. He would wag his tail at me, curl up next to me, sit near me when I'm on the couch as I read or watch shows or work. He wouldn't insist on a pet or any attention from me, but when I did give him a pet, a scratch on the back, he liked it and would roll over on his back so I could rub his tummy. He loved his tummy rubs.
That's how he showed his love for me. He's the opposite of everything I'd expected of a dog, and he wasn't intrusive. He's special, one of a kind. Before I knew it, in the quiet way unique to Bruiser, he turned my heart. He's the only kind of dog that could have turned my cold, insensitive heart and mind about dogs into the love I feel now. He burrowed his way into my heart, before my mind even realised it, before I let my mind agree to it. I wish I'd not been so stubborn, I should have just loved him whole-heartedly and whole-mindedly. Why bother holding back the love and affection? If only I'd known that time was short...
There were so many things he could have enjoyed more. We could have taken him to see the ocean, mountains, gone hiking with him, taken him on road trips, let him see snow. We could have cooked more for him, given him more treats, more food, let him enjoy his life more. We kept rationing food for his health, I wish I'd given him more food to eat somehow, he loved eating so very much. Even though logically we did the right things and not overfeed him, if I'd known he'd die from cancer, I'd give him more treats. More food. Just let him be happy while he could enjoy it, right?
We could have played with him more with his toys, running around with him. I never really got to see him run, except when he was running from the elevator to the apartment when he recognized the smell of home (and his upcoming mealtime). I wish we could have played with him off leash and let him run free. I wanted to see him run and play more. I wish I could have seen that. I wish I got to see him run happily on the grass in the park, off leash.
My bf told me that he wished he could have taken Bru in earlier, and taught him to socialize with other dogs, so he could play with other dogs at the park. He loved to sniff other dogs, but when they sniffed him he would bark and pounce on them. He wanted to play with them, but just didn't know how to handle other dogs. When my bf used to take him to the park, Bru could only watch other dogs play at the park and couldn't join in. He had to stay on leash too. That was such a sad thing for me to imagine, such a sad image.
I went to the park yesterday just to watch other dogs play - I felt sorry for Bru, and I felt sorry for us losing Bru. It all felt unfair somehow. But watching these dogs also comforted me - to see how other dogs were so happy and chasing after a ball, running after each other. Dogs really live in the moment. That helped me realise that Bru really cared more about being with us than ruminating about playing with other dogs.
Truth be told, he was never truly free. Because he was never socialized, he was like an indoor dog. He was so dependent on us and our love for him, that he lived such a lonely life. We couldn't dedicate all our lives to him the way he did for us. He gave us so much of himself, so much happiness and unconditional love, and in return this was all we could do for him. We took care of him and took him on walks. Heck it's not even me doing it, it's all my bf. I was just helping out whenever it was convenient for me, or when I wanted to help my bf out. It was only recently that I started to feel empathy for Bru, to feel for him, and think what a dog would want and like. I had only started to learn, yet he had to leave so soon. He didn't give me a chance to redeem myself, or to do more for him.
I feel so guilty for not learning this sooner. For not letting myself love him and shower him with affection sooner. For being so hard-headed and hard-hearted about dogs. I never wanted to get closer to him, probably because I knew I'd feel this pain. I knew the harder you love, the harder it would hurt after. I didn't want to get attached to him, yet here I am. Attached all the same. Only Bruiser could have done that to me.
I didn't know, I didn't know all these things about Bru, that he could have had more in his life. His life path was set from his early years, from when my bf took him in. When I first met him 2 years ago, Bru was already in his elderly years, and on his downward trajectory. That's why I didn't get to see him do so many happy playful things. I already did the best I could, even though I didn't know. I thought I'd have another year or two with him. I thought I had more time to love him and feel for him and think for him and do what he wanted.
But alas, that's the fleetingness of life. Don't take things for granted. I'm grateful for all he's already taught me, that I have the capacity to learn empathy for dogs and love them like my own child. That next time round, if I ever had a pet again, I would do so much more for him/her. It's all thanks to Bruiser. I'll do it for Bruiser.
Rest in peace Bru, thank you for being my teacher and companion and friend and child. You meant so much more to me than I could have known. Please rest well, sleep well, and don't suffer anymore. I hope you've gone to a place without pain, nausea, vomit or regurgitation. No more tumor in your throat and hacking and coughing, no more difficulty breathing. No more neurological issues from the tumor spreading to your brain. You can be healthy and safe and well. You can eat everything you want, and do everything we couldn't do for you. Please, from the deepest depths of my heart, I need to know, that you're doing well now.
I know at least you're not suffering anymore. I can only know that. As reality kicks in, I don't think that you're still living somewhere else. I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife.
I'm so cruel to myself, even in this moment, I can't make myself believe it. So I guess I have to let you go. We've released you from your pain, now we have to figure out how to release us from our pain.
P.S. Not a day goes by without me thinking of you and missing you. You will always be in my heart, and never forgotten.
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