It’s happening tomorrow

Tomorrow we’re putting our dog down. Putting him to sleep, euthanasia, mercy killing. However people call it, it really means we’re ending his life. Ending our time together. Bruiser’s not happy anymore, he’s been suffering and in pain, so this is the kindest thing for us to do. To let him go and free him of the pain.

I don’t know how I’ll act or feel or react tomorrow - a part of me thinks I’ll be dry-eyed and calm - holding my emotions in without realizing it - I’m chilled by the thought. Another part of me thinks I’ll be crying hysterically and grieving from beginning to end - I also hate that thought. I don’t know which end of the spectrum I’ll be at, or somewhere in between, maybe holding in my tears until I can grieve in my own private way.

I already know I’m sad, because I’ve been crying so much and feeling worried, stressed, anxious, upset, and desperate about it all. I feel like I’ve gone through all 5 stages of grief, and have nothing left in me anymore. I’ve accepted it, yet I still feel hopeless and helplessly miserable, and can only hope this mental state is temporary.

I just need to remind myself that Bruiser has had a good life, and even though we’d no longer be together, he lives on in our hearts and memories. In our short time together, I’m glad I’ve captured memories in the form of pictures and videos of him. I will continue to reminisce over his many pictures for as long as I can.

I’ll forever be grateful to Bruiser, for he taught me how to love unconditionally, showing me that I could change my mind and feelings about a pet, if only it’s the right one. He taught me to be present and that my various mundane worries and stresses of the day can melt away if I just learn to enjoy the moment. He taught me how to play and cherish the little things in life, to treasure every morsel of food, to stop and sniff the roses grass every once in a while.

Most importantly, Bruiser taught me that caring for a dog could mean so much, that it could feel this strong, this special, and really change me as a person. It feels like how I’d imagine it would feel to become a parent and care for a child - that’s how life changing it felt to have Bruiser in my life. He’s more than a pet or a companion. He’s our special baby, and we’ll grieve his loss just like losing a part of the family.