Hi friends!
Long time no see indeed...I haven't posted for 9 months! Definitely been a while, I have so many updates in my life that I don't know where to begin. It both felt like a lot happened but at the same time, nothing much's changed. I guess that's how it's like in a COVID world isn't it?
Or maybe I'm just getting old and that's how things are at my life stage.
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First off - the big news is that I've been in Singapore for the past 5 months. I came back Dec 30 and stayed here ever since. This is mainly because of work visa issues (my work visa expired and we're still waiting for my green card). I'm seeing this as a positive thing as much as I can - that I haven't had the chance to come home because of COVID and this is a rare opportunity for me to live and work in Singapore as an adult, and spend time with family. I finally get to see what it's like!
Some things felt the same as when I was a child (in both good and bad ways), while there are subtle changes to my family's routines/patterns. I've definitely had to adjust and learn how to manage my life differently living with my parents, especially while doing work from home and figuring out how to "train" my parents to my ways of living/working. Making sure they respect my boundaries, and at the same time learning to accommodate them. Not to mention with COVID, my parents are retired and at home and don't go out as much as they used to. It's definitely interesting to have your parents as your roommates when you're now an adult.
One of my bosses used to say this, "Think you've achieved enlightenment? Try living with your parents for 2 weeks." That is exactly how I feel - all the great work I've done on myself to grow, improve, be zen and chill about things, to let things go and don't let negativity get to me - all got undone within minutes of my parents opening their mouth. Little things they say just trigger me so and set my emotions haywire, it's unbelievable. This is the reason why therapy is needed indeed, everyone will have parent issues to work through, and figuring out how to manage those emotions and triggering situations is definitely no small feat.
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What's difficult for me is the uncertainty of my immigration status - I don't know for sure when I can go back to the US. It was supposed to be just 4-5 months, but now it's looking like it might be 9-10 months. It's just really disruptive to my life back in the US - my volunteering work, my job, my career progression, my relationship and friendships. When people say oh you're so lucky your company let you work for so long from Singapore, I get kind of upset about it in my head. It's not that my company "let me", it's all a series of unfortunate events/timing because of my company getting acquired and there's no choice. I have to work from outside the US, or I can quit/stop working. Only 2 choices.
So yeah, they better let me keep working from Singapore, or they've got to let me go for something that is not my fault.
The sad angry stuff aside, I'm making the most of my time back home and trying to look on the bright side of things.
I haven't really tried to think too much about it, but I know I've been feeling very stressed about this uncertainty and immigration/work issues since last May, and it's been a non-stop marathon since then. I haven't felt stressed about anything for this long before - 1 year and still going! I've felt like having a mental breakdown probably twice so far, feeling burned out and really wanting to give up, maybe just taking a sabbatical. I thought I might have wanted to move out by now, or just take a break from work. But I haven't given up (yet) - I made things work - at work, life, friends, love, volunteering, family. Somehow, somehow, I'm still persevering.
Guess I'm more resilient than I think, huh.
I should do more meditation and mindfulness breathing, to really de-stress. I must say, about 99% of the time I don't think about it and so I'm pretty happy, but 1% of the time when I do think about it, I feel anger and helplessness and frustration. I feel lack of control and I want to rage against who knows what.
I haven't really been able to express that properly, my anger and fears and frustration. But maybe I can here. Maybe that's what I'm doing here, right now.
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Something that's been very helpful for me is this game called Sky: Children of the Light. I have been playing it since last October thanks to my boyfriend mentioning it to me. He actually mentioned Journey first, which was made by the same game company (TGC), but I wasn't sure about a paid game. He then mentioned Sky, which is a free-to-play game. The game allows me to explore new worlds, new activities, so much so that it now feels like a second home to me. It’s definitely good for my visual & spatial memory skills xD
Sky is a beautiful place to connect with others around the world and make new friends, and it's also a way to listen to peaceful in-game music and to learn to play music together with others. It's been really therapeutic for me playing Sky, it's definitely made me feel more calm and less lonely. It's interesting how games can be beneficial to your mental health, especially when time hangs heavy on your hands (since I'm not going out as much haha).
I've also been feeling uplifted by the wonderful Sky community and friends I meet in the game, all of whom have been younger (in some cases much younger). It's cool to see the world through their eyes, learn about their life and culture and perspectives. It makes me feel useful to help and mentor others, while allowing me to forget about my own stresses at the same time.
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These days I've been letting my introverted self reign. I have been using COVID as an excuse to not meet people, and I discovered that I'm such a homebody - I just enjoy alone time so much! It's odd because I usually do enjoy spending time with others as well, but in the past 2 years I've been happily staying home and puttering around doing stuff on my own, or going on long random walks on my own. In hindsight, it's probably because I still feel connected to others, just through virtual means?
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I'm watching a lot of kdramas and random shows on Disneyplus, Netflix, Prime - you name it and I am watching it/have watched it. I've been reading books again, albeit much slower this year than last year (because I'm spending 1-2h/day playing Sky instead of reading!). I'm also taking on a leadership role with my volunteering so I'm spending more time on that. Lastly, I'm also taking this cool UC Berkeley class for alumni about extreme politics, run by Professor Darren Zook. I'm learning so much about what left/far-left means vs right/far-right, it's fascinating!
Right now, I'm reading a book about Syrian history, civil war and crisis, and I'm making connections between what I'm reading and what I've learned in extreme politics. It's a great feeling when you realize you've leveled up - that you've understood the nuances of a topic much better, because you've just learned about it elsewhere. I have never been interested in politics and history before, I used to think they're such boring and useless topics. How wrong I've been!
I feel so empowered and knowledgeable now as I learn more about politics/history, especially since I can apply my knowledge to the Syria crisis and other crises around the world. I feel so curious and humbled by what I don't know. I've been feeling wondrous feelings these days as I learn and soak up more knowledge - and all this is just in my head. I haven't told anyone else this, so you're the first to read it here. I FEEL SO ALIVE THESE DAYS!
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All right that's it for my update. Sorry for the long rambling post, I've been writing down my stream-of-consciousness thoughts. For each of the topics I brought up above, I could probably ramble on for hours, so reach out to me if you want to catch up and discuss about anything.
Cheers!
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