How to See Others Deeply and Be Deeply Seen

I’ve been reading this book “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks, and found that a lot of the concepts discussed align with how I’ve been striving to live my life in the past 12 years (ever since I became an adult). It’s refreshing to see a book describe what I wish I had known 12 years ago, but it also made me feel happy that I figured it out and arrived at similar conclusions on my own, albeit through hard-earned experiences and a lot of mistakes and failures. I’m still nowhere near there yet; I am able to achieve deeply knowing another person only a handful of times, and I feel like I’ve forgotten to do it well in recent months and years. I’ve become too self-absorbed and nonchalant about others, and I shall strive to do better!

This book is a really good reminder for me to be an empathetic listener, to be more curious about others, and to see things from their perspectives. I have stopped doing this consciously ever since I got married and comfortable, being secluded with the pandemic, and then with the many negative news out there these days — it really makes it harder to connect with others. 

I like this quote especially, the author put into words how I felt with my baby these 10+ months:

“It’s amazing how much you can come to know someone, even before any deep conversations happen. When my oldest son was an infant, he woke up every morning at around four. At the time, we were living in Brussels, where it doesn’t get light in wintertime until almost nine. So I’d have four or five hours each morning in the dark to play—to bounce him on my chest, to run his wooden trains, to tickle him and laugh. 

One day as I was lying on the couch, holding his hands, and he was bouncing on my stomach with his shaky legs, it occurred to me that I knew him best of any person on the planet, and that of all the people on the planet, he probably knew me best, because while innocently playing with him I’d been so emotionally open and spontaneous. It also occurred to me that though we knew each other so well, we had never had a conversation, because he could not yet talk. All of our communication was through play, touch, and glance.”

That’s how I feel about my baby, and I’m so glad that the author talks about playfulness as a way to connect with others too. I have newfound joy in being a child again, and that’s a deeply buried part of me that deserves to see the day of light. It has been shut down for many years, but my child-like persona deserves to play and be seen as well. My baby sees that side of me, and loves me regardless, which heals my childhood hurts and wounds. I feel so loved by him, and I wish I can get this unconditional and expressive love every day.

I love you my baby. I want to do my best to teach you all this as well, so you will be prepared to see others deeply and be seen deeply when you grow older.