Letter to my mom

I just underwent parent coaching and realized I still hold a lot of resentment for my mom and how I was raised. I thought I had let that go, but these days it emerges as I get mad at my toddler for little things, for not listening to me and for not stopping his fussing. It just made me panic and I would revert to my inner child, anxious and yelling for help. It’s not how I want to raise my kids, so I have to make the mindful changes to myself to calm down, self regulate, take deep breaths and meditate. Then I can handle the very neutral situation of my toddler’s behavior, connect to him and figure out what to do next.

I should get back into meditating and being present, so I don’t end up snapping. I don’t like how I’m like these days since I’m under a lot of stress and pain in my body, but really I need a reset. The parent coach was very helpful in grounding me with the meditation, and she helped me realize I don’t actually need to be angry or anxious or stressed anymore. If I can heal my inner child, I can let go and be free to let myself show up for my toddler as me, without any of the baggage from my childhood weighing me down. Without me projecting my fears or my parents’ fears on my toddler.

She asked me to write a letter to my mom, and here’s what I wrote:

“Dear 妈咪，

I am angry with you. I have been angry for the way you raised me. I hated how you restricted me and didn’t let me go anywhere as a child. I resented you for not giving me a free childhood, that you didn't take me to the playground, didn't get me toys, didn’t play with me, didn't let me go play with friends.

I wished that I could have a chill mom who gave me good guidance, who loved me without putting me in a cage. I felt trapped and that the only way I could get my independence was by leaving Singapore, to go to another country far away so I can figure out my identity away from your influence.

In the U.S, I started learning how other people were raised. I would get envious of other peers who had a fun childhood and ended up where I did anyway, with a good job and college education. I felt so sad, that I was helpless in my childhood and I wished I had parents who would teach me about the world.

In my 20s, I felt so ignorant and naive about everything, so behind on everything because you never taught me how to think for myself. I had to be obedient, to listen to you and papa, to be a good girl and to get a good education. To study hard and study more. I felt lost, confused and angry that I had to learn everything by myself. I had to struggle on my own in the US and make mistakes, but I emerged triumphant. I found my own path away from you, all by myself!

I started to appreciate everything you did for me — cooking, cleaning, picking me up and dropping me off at school, buying me new clothes and shoes — you had your own way of showing your love. You wanted to keep me protected. I just wish you had learned to let me figure things out on my own and gave me the space to be me.

Now that I'm a mom myself, I know there's no point resenting you. I understand now your fears and anxiety in raising 2 kids alone, without help from papa or anyone else. I know you were raised this way in even harsher conditions; that I am alive, fed, have a college degree meant successful parenting to you. There was no such thing as emotional work in your family.

I am grateful to you, for all that you've done and sacrificed for me and my brother, but I want things to be better for my toddler. Just like you wanted things to be better for me than for you, I'm making changes to myself so I can do better for my child. I don’t want generational trauma to continue being passed down to the next generation - the change has to start with me.

I had been a people pleaser, always avoiding conflict and giving way to others. It took me the last 16 years to change myself to become more secure and independent. However, having a child now really reverts me back to that people pleasing child. Being a mom means I'm often under stressful situations. I often feel my inner child emerge in the most unexpected moments, which can be frustrating. How do I self regulate & calm that child down? How can I be present for my child and be the role model I wish to be? How do I not end up with your voice coming out, yelling at him to just listen or to stop it? I am working at it, and I know it will not be easy, but it is a journey I'm willing to take.

I want to let go of my resentment for you and to accept you as who you are. And I want to take the best of your parenting to guide me in my journey of being a parent. Thank you 妈咪, I know you love me in your own way. I hope I can get to know you better as I grow as a mom myself, to understand more of who you were when you were raising me. In that way, I can make better choices for my children by learning from your experience. And I can make sense of my childhood through your lens.”