Helpless

for the first time in a long time, i feel helpless. 我真的无可奈何，又愤怒、又无能为力、只能一而再，再而三地回想起到底发生了什么事。我当时该做什么呢？现在到底又能做些什么，是否能改变那结果呢？

我真的太自以为是了，真的以为大家都会听信我的话。我真的太傻，太无知了。

I've been so stupid. I've been overconfident. I really thought that things would go just the way I wanted to because I had all this information in my hands..until someone else came in with "more information" that I had no idea about, so I couldn't do more research into it and speak up against it.

I got blindsided by someone and something I had no control over - which is so frustrating because my job is to be the advisor, the knowledgeable one with the expertise, the one with the influence and charm to get the right recommendation on the table. I can feel my Asianness coming through, my femaleness, my nice girlness, where I get scared with things I'm not sure about and refuse to speak up, and let others take control. I should have been DIFFERENT. How can I be different???

I couldn't believe how fast the whole decision unraveled on that one point, and I could only watch helplessly as the train went down the hill and I couldn't pull it back to go the way I wanted. Maybe I should learn to let it go, but I really don't want to!!

I really want to learn to be experienced and while I listen to others and take their advice, I want to be able to influence others to make the right decisions.

Was their decision correct? I don't know, somehow it feels kind of unfair and wrong, and I feel some regret but I don't know what else I could have done differently. I should have called my expert in who knows more, but by that time the decision and conversation was driven by someone else - not me. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't!

Even when things were in my favor I let someone else take control and change direction, I was the train driver and then I wasn't, I was thrown unceremoniously into the back of the train and someone else hijacked it. I had no backup plan. I never even thought about this situation occurring that I just sat there dumbfounded, letting others do whatever they wanted and I just sat back and went with the flow. It makes me so frustrated and pained and regretful that I'm so powerless in these decisions. What should I do from now?

How can I be different???

Upon further reflection, I realise that this is part and parcel of consultant life - we are always going to be outsiders no matter how ingrained we may become at the client. We never really have real control, so I need to learn to be persuasive and influential to get others to listen to me. I need real skills rather than believe that they'll listen to you just because they've always listened to you in the past...I need to be more assertive and speak up at the right moments and point out mistakes without coming across as presumptuous or aggressive. This is why consulting is so difficult...