bridesmaid dress + my first videos guitar covers

I just got my bridesmaid dress for next year's wedding!! it's so pretty haha, and I can't wait to live my life-long dream of being a bridesmaid :) my favorite part that I'm looking forward to is the gatecrash, where I get to get some $$ and torture haze the bridesgroom and his bros hehe.

For those who didn't know, I've been learning the guitar, and I bought a second guitar to leave in Colorado where I've been travelling to for work. I've been practising that second guitar (in peace and quiet), with no worries about my housemates hearing me practising/singing haha. I'm really shy about practising in front of people. Say hi to Jasmine the Second! (Jasmine the First is my original guitar if you haven't guessed...)

Last night I was practising back home, and I suddenly had the thought of recording myself playing. It would give me much better feedback to know how terribly I play and how funny I must look playing the guitar. It also helped me boost my confidence/be prepared playing in front of people if I'm recording myself playing haha. 

I realised it's really hard because usually I'm looking at my fingers either strumming or on the fretboard, but when I'm recording I had to make the effort to look at the camera (i.e. away from the guitar), and also look happier/not make stupid ugly faces...it's so difficult! Performing music is clearly so much more difficult than just practising by myself T.T

Look at my dumb face in the thumbnail hahaha!

I recorded this song way back when and I only had audio (if you all recall!), this time I got to record with my handy iphone haha. it's not my best rendition/playing, but please enjoy anyway!
This song was the first song I've ever learned on the guitar, and I have never recorded it (audio or video) before. I haven't played this song in the longest time, so please really pardon all my dumb mistakes and how awful it sounds T.T I swear there was a point in time when I could play this fluently!

Lastly, my favorite song these days to sing and play on the guitar!! there were a few funny mistakes in there haha but ignore them like I do, and all will be well in this world :)

a little singing by myself :)

ever since I heard this song, I've wanted to record this song. this song literally gave me shivers down my spine and goosebumps on my arms. it's so good, especially with two of my most-admired mandopop singers finally collaborating.

I once recorded another duet of Jay Chou's (Shan Hu Hai), but have since lost the recording with my old laptop when the hard drive crashed. maybe I'll re-record it one day...I love learning two-part duets and singing in both voices, especially with all the harmonizing. it's so fun!!

I'll probably be recording this song with my housemate (since we both love it), so I guess we can look forward to another rendition of this song, where it won't be all me, myself and I ...(aren't you already sick of my voice by now? I totally am by the time I get to 2/3 of the song...)

here it is - enjoy!

Not all that glitters is gold...

Ahah! What is today's post about? -drum rolls-

 Well, it's been a looong time since I last went shopping. So today I went shopping for the first time in Denver with my coworkers! They were shopping for a white elephant gift for our holiday party in SF this weekend, and since I've already bought my gift (on Amazon, duh!) I just walked around shopping. Didn't see any shoes or work clothes that were nice and cheap enough, but I chanced upon this rare find!

It's pretty isn't it? I was just telling my friend that years ago when I was still with my ex, we would talk about wedding ring designs and I'd say that it's so boring to have just an expensive diamond ring, I'd rather have one with multicolored gems on it! I actually forgot about it until seeing this today, and I thought whoa! I've got to get it! It's the first time I've seen an actual multicolored gemstone jewelry and that made me so happy and excited, plus it was discounted 75%, plus another 10% on top of it!! What a steal!

So yeah if any of you see me wearing these festive and pretty colored earrings, you'll know the story behind that hehe! ^^

 On a side note, I've been nominated by my firm for this award that I'll be applying for, it's essentially establishing me as a subject matter expert in supply chain and procurement, and I'm really not confident. The others who have been awarded before are all very experienced and have been doing this at least 10-20 more years than I have! But it's a great honor to even be considered, and no way I'm going to pass this great opportunity up. I'll try my best and see where this goes! I must say I'm really happy that I'm so well regarded by my company, and I really appreciate them promoting me this way :D

 Also, I've signed up for volunteering as a pro bono consultant, just attended orientation today. I'm also excited at how this pans out...

 Plus! I've signed up for swimming classes starting this week, I'm really proud of myself for finally doing it. no more fear of water and inefficient swimming for me! what with dance classes plus workouts plus dates plus travel everywhere, my life is really filling up!

Bored

Facebook messenger: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas gift card to buy a dress and then I go get home or not I'll let it be a nice guy and I don't know actually what he is going on to say about the time he is my favorite dimsum at Christmas dinner"

That's what happens when you type in "this year for Christmas I want" and you see what the results end up being...

 Text message: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas party to get to my house so I'll let it be a Christmas present next year lol I'm not looking at the snow anymore but I'm so happy I didn't get it out there lol I didn't know you was just the wrong guy to get a Christmas present from him and he didn't know it lol"

 I use too many lols in my texts!

Blog: This year for Christmas I want "to be friends and family to go get home or not I can go get to the party and go to sleep and I have no friends with me to go get to brunch or dinner at night time and dinner party and friends then friends and friends friends and are nice and friends with me and friends then friends with me from the other side of my room"

I see what's going on here. I like food, party and friends a little too much...especially to "go get" them! clearly I'm too bored.

lazy day

today is a lazy day to recover from the super busy day yesterday (brunch, tea then birthday party dinner and club/bar after). good to know i'm still doing well single and mingling ;)

i'm binge watching wongfu's youtube red videos series, "Single By 30", absolutely loving the two main characters. They're so beautiful together and have such great chemistry! I wish they're actually together in real life :(

my roommate and i absolutely loved this rendition of the main female lead's singing at the wedding in the series - i tube chopped it so you can enjoy the song :)





this made my day hahaha - when your average singaporean life becomes a korean drama xD https://www.facebook.com/sgag.sg/videos/1512638942084422/

I am liberated!!!

So....today I told the guy I like that I like him. Here's what I said:

"Can I tell you something? It's about us - I know you must have realized it by now, that I really like hanging out with you, I enjoy spending time with you, and that I like you...a lot. I know you're not looking for anything though, and that you don't want to start anything long distance, so I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, and I've decided to move on. I'm going to friend zone you, and we'll be cool as friends."

Then he said exactly what I expected - he's not looking for anything at this time. And if we hadn't met at this time, where he knows he's moving away to London, then maybe we can be possible. And I said gosh the right person but wrong time excuse!!

He also said that I'm a really cool person and that he really likes hanging out with me, and that he's sorry if he was sending mixed signals because he might have been doing that.

I said yeah I hate the uncertainty where we send mixed signals and lead each other on, I'd rather be upfront about it and honest with each other, and that's how we can be good friends. And I also mentioned that his friend was kind of sending signals to me but I figured the friend's just trying to matchmake us, not because he told the friend something about me...

When I said this: "Honestly, I've never felt happier with any other guy, not even with my previous bf", he went Aww and gave me a hug of sorts haha, and said he was very flattered.

Then I said , "I really don't want to let you go. But I'm going to let you go. And yes the friendzone does exist hahaha!!" He laughed at that :)

I reiterated that I don't want him to feel pressured, and that we can hang out some more as cool friends. I really don't want him to feel burdened by me liking him, especially when it's clear he likes me but definitely not enough to want to date me (esp not with the long distance!!)

I also told him that if I'm coming on too strong or anything, definitely let me know! Hahaha

So that's my first step to being a full fledged grown up, adult, someone who actually is upfront with her feelings and being really cool about it. Even I'm proud of myself for doing it, even though the delivery could be wayyy improved haha. I was so nervous that I just couldn't find the right time or opportunity to say it, and I kept wanting to chicken out or procrastinate it further! But I created the opportunity for it by asking him to walk with me to the bart/muni, and when I realised we were getting close I absolutely had to say it then!! So I did. I blundered through it and was kind of awkward (hopefully cute/funny awkward) but I warmed up to my lines. Thank goodness I've practiced these lines a few times beforehand so I don't screw them up hahaha.

And now, I truly feel liberated and relieved. I finally know exactly how he feels, no more second guessing or being tortured by mixed signals or being annoyed or frustrated by his lack of advancement. I've taken control of this relationship dynamic and now, I can truly move on and be friends with him. This is such a great learning experience for me haha. I'm super excited for the new me and for the upcoming days ahead!!!

P.s. And yes we made plans for dinner next week, and potentially brunch tmr...I probably will say no to brunch and I won't even bat an eyelid about it hahahaha! Because now I know that he likes me for who I am, as a friend with no expectations. So he's been asking me out because we are friends, and he won't stop asking me out just because he's "lost interest" in me the way other guys would when they like me. This means I can legitly hang out with him without any pressure yo!!

heartbroken

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2016/03/if-he-wanted-to-be-with-you-he-would-be-with-you/

"But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all. 

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway? 

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more."

#it'stheheartbreakingtruth

do i put up shields to protect myself?

Two days ago, a coworker told me this over drinks, that I always have a poker face on, that I'm not really showing who I am. He said it in a candid manner, but I realised that when he said poker face - he meant my smile and happy face. I definitely DON'T have a poker face, haha I fail at poker so terribly.

So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.

When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.

For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.

But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught,  and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).

Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?

--------------
on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.

for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:

Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.

So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.

If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...

musings on upbringing - how I wish I was brought up

I read this article on facebook, and thought this is so true! definitely how I would want to raise my kids in the future - http://qz.com/644491/a-stanford-dean-on-adult-skills-every-18-year-old-should-have/

That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.

The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.

I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....

Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.

For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.

my favorite singer from my childhood

guess who?

Yes it's none other than Rainie Yang - my favorite singer from my childhood!!~

She's pretty amazing, started in the entertainment industry since she was 14 (with advertisements and a small role in a HK movie). She used to be called Lily Yang, but when she was 16, she auditioned successfully to join a girls' group called 4 in Love. Each member of the group was given a stage name that corresponded with the weather, so she was Rainie, and there were also Sunnie, Windie and Cloudie.

After two albums that didn't do too well, the group disbanded and only Rainie and Sunnie remained in the entertainment industry. Windie became a flight attendant (I actually saw her when I went for Rainie's 3rd album's autograph signing session in Singapore - Windie came to visit Rainie and it created a huge commotion as they were so happy hugging and catching up), Cloudie went off to college, and Sunnie became a host and comedian. Only Rainie stayed successful singing, acting, hosting and performing...and it's because of her persistence.

Rainie had to make money to pay off her dad's debts, and she really had passion for singing and acting. She is very hardworking and is a perfectionist, and kept working at it. She had a few blunders, where she offended Mainland Chinese by making thoughtless remarks on National TV on the Japanese Occupation (she thought it was 11 years long, and turned out it was "only" 8 years). It caused an uproar and a boycott of her dramas, songs and shows. She made an apology saying she didn't go to high school and she didn't know her history that well. She definitely did not do well back then.

I followed her love stories and her life and all her albums, from 1 through 10...and now that she just published her 10th album, I'm super excited to buy it!! One thing to note - she always changes her hairstyle for each album, it's always such a cool surprise to find out what her next style would be. This one showcased her in a carefree shoulder-length purple hair, which is almost like a rock star. It's amazing her transformation from "Cutie Princess" to today - so mature, so rock-punkish!

Can you guess which of the polaroids below is my favorite one? :D

Her album cover + 10 polaroids, 1 on each of her albums and famous songs from the corresponding album!

Love that purple hair - how does she still look so young when she's 32??!

Her 2nd album - one of my favorite ones haha

For this album, she sported that funky jellyfish hairstyle

My favorite song here - Dai4 Wo3 Zou3

ahh this is my favorite polaroid of them all hahaha. She's so cute!! Also has my all-time favorite Rainie Song - Yu3 Ai4 here :D 

Looking up?

More mature album

This album was kindof mystical, definitely not her usual style

This album had a lot of good, mature songs. I like Dian3 Shui3 and Shi1 Yi4 De Jin1 Yu2 best!

This is her newest album. So cool! And definitely go listen to her new album songs - my favorites are Dan1 (Being Single) and Guan1 Zhong4 (Audience)

It's almost with nostalgia and fond memories of my childhood (I've been following her since 2003!), that I look through these polaroids and think about the various albums I listened to over the years.

Found out which one is my favorite polaroid yet? If you did a Ctrl+F you might actually find it hahaha...

To confess, or not to confess?

This was written 10/18/16:

There's a guy I like, we're friends right now and I think we have great chemistry. I feel happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy I've gone on dates with, which is saying a lot. He's super nice and makes me happy - but there are a lot of things in the way. My pride, his pride, him sending mixed signals  - he's super nice to me, but he's not responsive to my texts. he's super enthusiastic about hanging out, but he never asks me out first - i have been asking him out. we have great bonding moments but when asked what he's looking for now, he says he's "going to peace out until London". he doesn't want LDR, but I honestly think if he likes someone enough, he will be willing to do LDR for that person. How can I become that person?

Ok so with all these thoughts, I talked it through with my housemate and he gave some good analysis. We decided to put it all into a probability graphing model, based on my current assessments of probabilities as of 11pm PST on Saturday 10/15/16, the day after I just had a great time with him (we had dinner at Fogo de Chao and pretended it's my birthday just so we could get free dessert hahaha). this is just the 2nd time we hung out one-on-one, but it's the 5th time we have met up in person, quite promising right? ;)

This model plots the following variables:
k - whether he knows Joy likes him or not
c - whether he has good character or not (not asshole or asshole?)
l - whether he likes Joy a lot or not
j - whether Joy likes him a lot or not

Probabilities right now are at

k1 = 0.8
c1 = 0.95
l1 = 0.5
j1 = 1

where 1 indicates the positive attribute (e.g. k1 = he knows Joy likes him, c1 = he is nice and not an asshole). Yes at current assessment j1 is known, so it's 1 xD

Conclusions are as follows:
C1 = He treats Joy nicely because he thinks you're good friends - Confess
C2 = He's an asshole, he's playing with your feelings and leading you on - DON'T Confess
C3 =  He was trying to hint that he doesn't really like you, let's stay friends - DON'T Confess
C4 = He wants to see if it's worth a potential LDR and go for the relationship - Confess
C5 = Joy should move on - DON'T Confess (this was added after the photo was taken, I also added the j0 option that Joy doesn't like him a lot, which leads to C5)

If it's conclusions 1 and 4, I should confess. If it's conclusions 2 and 3, I should not confess.

Based on these probabilities, we currently have P(C1) + P(C4) = 0.38 + 0.2 = 0.58, which means I should confess. So if he's standing here right in front of me, right now, I will confess.

Yes this is the actual diagram we drew on a glassboard at 11pm PST on Sat, 10/15/16. thanks housemate xD

Unfortunately the probabilities are going to change in the next week. If P(l1) < 0.4, or P(j1) < 0.79, or for certain combinations between 0.4 < P(l1) < 0.5 AND 0.79 < P(j1) < 1, I shouldn't confess. So these probabilities will change because if he doesn't text me in the next week, I am going to lower his probability of liking Joy a lot to less than 50%, and possibly less than 40%. If I think he doesn't like me much, I'm going to not like him as much too, so I'll lower the probability of Joy liking him a lot to less than 100%, which means it's going to move towards I should not confess.

Then again, maybe I should heck care all these and just let him know. I mean, I have nothing to lose other than my pride right? And guys are always willing to confess even though they know they're going to be rejected, why can't I? I should stop being a scaredy cat and chicken out, I should be an empowered woman and go-getter and go for what I want! If I want to get to know him better and hang out more with him, I'm going to tell him exactly that. If we don't work out, then we don't. At least we've tried right?

Wish me best of luck - we'll find out in a week. I'm not going to ask him out for a week just to see if he will make the first move - if he does then yes confession is so going to happen. If he doesn't, I'm going to ask him out and I'll -try- to confess - TBD based on probability re-assessments at that point in time xD

Hahaha i'm currently excited and scared and anxious and happy and euphoric all at once - it's been a long while since i've been so motivated by liking someone! it's refreshing and fun, and for once I'm actually going to do something about it!

(p.s. that love letter i wrote to the crush I had when I was 12 doesn't quite count...that's a story for another time hehe)

February30th and random musings

Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we talked about our past. This great friend of mine said February 30th, in all seriousness and really thought that was the correct date of the event he was describing.

Haha it absolutely cracked me up because at first I thought he was trolling me, but no he really thought it was 2/30!! I cleared that up shortly, but not before gaining much amusement from it.

HAHAHA!! XD

So that made me think of all the cool names we've heard over the years, things like 13 o'clock, the 5th season, the 25th hour. February 30th is the first I've heard, but that's a pretty good oddity to keep in my back pocket. If ever a guy asks me on a date and I want to reject him in a funny way, I'll say sure, but only on February 30th all right?

All jokes aside, I'm excited to go for maroon 5's concert tomorrow! That shall be the highlight of my weekend hehe

Annndd I'm super happy right now, I just got a confirmed upgrade to first class on both my flights to and back from Cancun...that's wayyy beyond my expectations! They changed the plane so there are more first class seats ^^

Life is pretty good for me now :D

time for that english song guitar cover ;)

Yep it's finally time for...wait for it....-drumrolls-

...the long-awaited English song guitar cover! -applause-

I've clearly been keeping all of you waiting a while for this, I haven't posted an english song cover in months, not since "All of Me" way back when. I just learned this song on the guitar last weekend (perks of being freer due to not traveling for work this week!), and I absolutely adore this song.

I sang it in a happy style rather than sad, mostly because I'm playing it at a faster tempo (and at a higher pitch) than the original song. It did make me happy to sing it haha, guess it would be different if I'm really head over heels in love the way Bella and Edward were. I also experimented with more harmonizing and a little fun improv humming at the end! :D

So I hereby present...A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, as sung and performed by yours truly! :D

p.s. Someone actually asked me who did the harmonizing - "Who's the person harmonizing with you it works so well 🙂"? The answer is - it's me myself and I! I recorded another harmonizing track over my guitar/song track, just because I love harmonizing to songs (just ask anyone who has gone to karaoke with me in recent years haha)...glad you guys are enjoying the harmonizing!

Why is the real world so hard?

I can't even see what I'm writing right now.

My vision is constantly blurring up as my eyes tear up, and these salty liquid products of our eyes just keep flowing uncontrollably.

I know I felt bad the last time at work because I was put in a powerless position and cried afterwards, but this time it's worse. I was being ranted at by someone at the client who was totally out of line. He not only made me feel bad and powerless, he was being verbally abusive in tone and language.

I'm definitely a lightweight at this and I cried during the call and just never said anything. What could I have said?

I cried for the first time in front of my boss and my coworker and I felt so embarrassed and incompetent but I know it's not my fault - it's definitely the worst call I have been on. My boss talked to the big boss and he's going to file a complaint against that client - it's not the first time the guy's done it to others at work (within the client). I'm feeling vindicated but still I cry, I wonder why?

The big boss told me to just think of that guy as an idiot, and not take it to heart/don't think about it. I want to be strong, I'm acting like I'm really strong and happy but I'm really a softie inside, I really can't take insults and rejection and not being liked easily. In a way, this is my true experience of real world now - there are way too many idiots like him out there that I have to learn to deal with.

The big boss also told me how he would have dealt with it - he wouldn't have kept quiet. He would have stood up to him and said dude, knock it off. I don't appreciate the tone you're taking with me here. And if the guy continues, you can say I think we can stop here and just hang up. Then escalate to the big boss so he can handle it. It's nothing to do with you, it's him trying to talk big and he's really weak inside. If you don't say anything, he'll never know there's an issue.

So here I am sitting in the bathroom, the only place I know that has privacy and away from prying eyes. My tears have finally slowed, and I need to find time to get my wits back together and look normal again. Let me try on my smile again -grins widely-

Very nice. How about without those red watery eyes and stuffy nose?
-blows them out and wipe tears away-

Good. How about getting some water to replenish those tears, look outside at some trees, and get some snacks! Isn't it great to be alive, healthy and no one is shooting at you?

Think positive here. I know we hate the real world but it is the real world we live in. No don't let those tears fall again no!

Helpless

for the first time in a long time, i feel helpless. 我真的无可奈何，又愤怒、又无能为力、只能一而再，再而三地回想起到底发生了什么事。我当时该做什么呢？现在到底又能做些什么，是否能改变那结果呢？

我真的太自以为是了，真的以为大家都会听信我的话。我真的太傻，太无知了。

I've been so stupid. I've been overconfident. I really thought that things would go just the way I wanted to because I had all this information in my hands..until someone else came in with "more information" that I had no idea about, so I couldn't do more research into it and speak up against it.

I got blindsided by someone and something I had no control over - which is so frustrating because my job is to be the advisor, the knowledgeable one with the expertise, the one with the influence and charm to get the right recommendation on the table. I can feel my Asianness coming through, my femaleness, my nice girlness, where I get scared with things I'm not sure about and refuse to speak up, and let others take control. I should have been DIFFERENT. How can I be different???

I couldn't believe how fast the whole decision unraveled on that one point, and I could only watch helplessly as the train went down the hill and I couldn't pull it back to go the way I wanted. Maybe I should learn to let it go, but I really don't want to!!

I really want to learn to be experienced and while I listen to others and take their advice, I want to be able to influence others to make the right decisions.

Was their decision correct? I don't know, somehow it feels kind of unfair and wrong, and I feel some regret but I don't know what else I could have done differently. I should have called my expert in who knows more, but by that time the decision and conversation was driven by someone else - not me. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't!

Even when things were in my favor I let someone else take control and change direction, I was the train driver and then I wasn't, I was thrown unceremoniously into the back of the train and someone else hijacked it. I had no backup plan. I never even thought about this situation occurring that I just sat there dumbfounded, letting others do whatever they wanted and I just sat back and went with the flow. It makes me so frustrated and pained and regretful that I'm so powerless in these decisions. What should I do from now?

How can I be different???

Upon further reflection, I realise that this is part and parcel of consultant life - we are always going to be outsiders no matter how ingrained we may become at the client. We never really have real control, so I need to learn to be persuasive and influential to get others to listen to me. I need real skills rather than believe that they'll listen to you just because they've always listened to you in the past...I need to be more assertive and speak up at the right moments and point out mistakes without coming across as presumptuous or aggressive. This is why consulting is so difficult...

The Little Joys and Happiness of Life

I finally got around to putting together another guitar cover! I've been wanting to make a cover of this song for the longest time, it's called Xiao Xing Yun (A Little Happiness) by Hebe Tian! Yes I know, I know, yet another Chinese song...I'll be working on more english guitar covers after this, I promise!

Anyhow, this is such a beautiful and sorrowful song that I just had to do this cover playing the guitar. I made the guitar arrangement so it would sound soulful, exactly representing the lyrics, mood and feel of the song when I first heard it. Also, this time I did something different and added some harmony vocals, you'll notice it if you persevere to the back half ;)

i love making music so much, especially with singing! Guitar playing has definitely significantly improved my quality of life and happiness level - it fully complements singing so well!!

Fun on a Saturday afternoon

Hi all!

Finally completed my long-awaited wish to record a duet cover with my great friend and singer Qiyan (username: miffyan). She has a beautiful voice and wonderful songs on her youtube channel so you're welcome to subscribe to her channel!



Music makes me feel happy, this is one of my happiest Saturday afternoons in a long time, such fun!

scary dreams influenced by waking thoughts

Saturday night I watched a parody of the popular korean drama DOTS (descendents of the sun for those who have no idea), and it's hilarious! I also talked to my friend about a mutual friend who's getting married (let's call her A), and I also thought about the orlando shooting because it's gay pride weekend. I read a story about how one of the victims ran to the bathroom and was trapped there, scared while texting his mum. Eventually, the shooter came in and killed them all.

All these waking thoughts I had right before I went to bed definitely influenced my dreams the next morning, and here's my account of the dream. Believe it or not, I do have pretty wild dreams that sound just like a teenage drama lol...

I dreamt about a guy who was super hot and tall and looked like he's a Korean star (duh) but it turned out he was a bad guy pretending to be a good guy. My friend A was in the dream as a pregnant woman (guess it's the next logical step after her marriage), and she's carrying out a mission as part of my team. Unfortunately on the way there, she went into labor in the cab and they rushed her to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor was so useless and told her it only takes an hour. He then made her lie on the gurney for an hour, then discharged her. The baby wasn't delivered yet lol...

In the meantime, the rest of the team (me included) went to a house and accidentally scattered lots of stuff under the bed. When I crawled through the mess under the bed, I found all kinds of incriminating evidence and we realized that the bad guy was actually bad.

Fast forward, we rushed to the school and ended up in the school bathrooms. For some unknown reason we were all unarmed, probably because we didn't expect the bad guy to be armed. In the bathrooms, we saw blood splatter round the corner with a ringing gunshot, and quickly pressed ourselves against the wall. It was too late.

The bad guy walked round the corner and as he saw us, he shot around 5-8 times near us but missed deliberately. I was so scared I was shaking and I closed my eyes, certain I'd be dead if I looked at him. Then he stopped and when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me. His eyes were wild and he was smiling maniacally with a look that said you guys are doomed, but he gave me a special look, like you've got to understand...I felt so disappointed because I was in love with him, and finding out he's such a bad guy made me feel so dumb and anguished. What were we thinking, coming here unarmed to confront him? We probably thought he's still got good in him.

While he got distracted by the rest asking him why, I bolted for the door. I was certain he wouldn't kill me, he loved me too...right? Maybe he would shoot my leg but not to kill....

The moment I opened the door, I had a flash of uncertainty but I shook off any hesitation and ran for my life. I ran to the PE storeroom and locked the door. A friend/ally was in the room and I explained the situation to her. She was horrified and agreed to help, though she's like "You locked us in! How are we going to get out and help!!!"

I said there, pointing to the back of the storeroom. It's covered in blinds but once you open them it leads to the gym. We jumped down the ledge into the gym, and went round back to the bathrooms. The dream skipped a few more frames and we both ended up in schoolgirl uniforms going up stairs, and I'm no longer seeing this from first person perspective. It's back to 3rd person and I'm looking down on a girl who's supposed to be "me" but really looks like a redhead white girl.

The hot bad guy saw the white girl who is "me" at the top of the stairs, and smiled happily. He said, "I knew you'd come back!" kind of thing, and she/me pretended to be on his side but would later try kill him.

At this point, the dream skipped to the end, which looked like the end of a play. It was a dark room with a black backdrop (must be influenced by the Sleep No More play lol), and the she/me girl was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, with the friend/ally standing behind her. The friend was holding the white girl's hair up and started snipping horizontally with a pair of metal scissors, all the while looking straight at the "camera"/audience while saying her lines. Something poetic about revenge is sweet and he never saw it coming, and I assumed that meant the guy was dead and the mission succeeded!

However, the bad guy appeared at that moment and smiled at the audience, as if to say hey I'm not dead! It turned out that maybe the white girl was dead instead because her hair was getting cut off (as a symbolic analogy to her head getting cut off). So the mission failed after all and he must have found out the girl betrayed him and killed her off...

Anyhow I woke up at this point, feeling absolutely anguished and pained because it hurt to be betrayed by someone you love, it's tormenting to have to kill someone you love, and it's even more painful for him to show no mercy towards you and try to kill you. It felt awful, and it was so terrifying having a gun pointed at me and shooting at me in the bathroom scene! My brain could still feel the pain as though the bullets were tearing through my flesh (even though they all missed thanks to my brain's self-preservation and desire to keep the dream "me" alive). I was wincing and shaking so hard with fear and my heart was pounding so fast, it definitely felt all too real.

Gosh my brain is too hyperactive!! It's making me live through scary moments and experiences in dreamworld!!

inspired by music :D

I'm getting unsolicited compliments on my singing, thank you all! It's really making my day :D

I really enjoy making music and singing, so here's a rendition of A-Lin's Wo Hen Mang (direct translation: "I'm Very Busy"). It's a super emo song and if you recall, I posted that song earlier this year. I thought it was very good to describe my feelings post-breakup and telling everyone around me how busy I am when I'm actually just trying to forget...

Life is no longer like that now so no worries haha! I'm busy because I'm legitly busy and being very productive, but I clearly liked it so much I made a cover of the song. Please enjoy!

First trip to Japan

I’ve finally found some time to blog about my first trip to Japan…I’ve been wanting to go since I was 13, so this is really a dream come true. I ended up doing everything I wanted to do – and more! Definitely did all the activities that a quintessential Japanese teen would have done, so I’m super happy! The only problem was that I didn’t have enough time/luggage space to do shopping properly, so I definitely have to return and shop all I want xD

Here are some of my thoughts on what I did/see/observe in Japan:

Japanese Fashion / Culture

• Black and white suits everywhere on weekdays!! Mostly because they are office workers and Japan has such a homogeneous culture that it is frowned upon to stand out in the corporate world…so everyone wears that same black and white suit combination. At first I was quite sad that I couldn’t see more of Japanese fashion, but if you wait till the weekends/go to the cool places like Harajuku…:D definitely love the fashion on the weekends and how they differ when you visit different parts of Japan!
• P.S. Guys look really good in those suits, though I wish they would spice up the colors so it’s more colorful (e.g. blue shirt, purple, pink, etc) haha
• This is odd, but in Ikebukuro we saw people (mostly guys) lining up before the arcade opens…we never quite figured out why they went so early in the morning, even on weekdays to wait for the arcades to open! There was also a line of all females at a different arcade, not sure why…?
• This is somewhat a repeat from my previous post, but elaborating on it further - One thing I noticed was how oxymoronic Japanese people are. They are actually pretty rude / impolite in ignoring people and just keeping to their own devices (literally), while their language and culture forces them to be super polite. They may bow to you and say all these polite honorifics, but their body language and expressions clearly show they don’t like you very much (especially if you are a foreigner and stand out). They aren’t a very friendly bunch after all, and I could feel the hostility…

Japanese technology and efficiency

• I love Japanese technology!! We had kaiten sushi (conveyer belt sushi), and it was completely automated! We can pick sushi off the belt or order through the tablet, food would appear on an automated cart on a separate belt and stopped at our table, and at the end the waiter just needed to wave this device over all our plates to note how much everything cost (different plates cost different amounts haha)
• Another thing I noticed was how all the bread items I bought had their packages completely vacuum packed, which means there is a constant bubble of air that surrounded the bread, which means it was impossible for me to squash my bread (which is usually a constant problem for me, since I like to leave bread in my bag which unfortunately leads to squashed bread…)
• At Osaka Castle, one entire floor had around 12 – 16 boxes that had 3D video projections on a 2D set to narrate the story of Toyotomi Hideyoshi’s life. It looked amazing and I have no idea how they did it (other than using projectors/screens/mirrors), but it’s such a creative way of using technology to portray stories in a lifelike manner. Other museums should definitely make use of this idea
• Bidet toilets everywhere!! Enough said ;)

Friends old and new in Japan

• I caught up with my classmate from kindergarten (yes, I’ve known him since we were 5!!!) and he brought us around Tokyo, definitely nice to have someone more local who knows his way around/knows Japanese! We got to meet his parents for dinner and had such a great meal that locals usually have. He also introduced us to a new friend who is a kabuki actor, so we learnt a lot about kabuki and how you have to be born into the family to become a kabuki actor...
• Met up with 3 other friends - my college classmate who is now working in Japan, a Singaporean friend who is now studying in Japan, and another Singaporean friend who just so happened to be travelling in Japan at the same time we were! That’s why it’s a good thing to post where you are on facebook so people can say Hey! We’re there too, let’s meet up! J I haven’t seen these friends in anywhere between 4 to 7 years, so it’s definitely great to catch up with all of them haha

Fun Activities

•  Did the fun teenage activities I’ve always wanted to do – we took Puri Kura (photobooth pictures i.e. neoprints), played arcade games (DDR, Jubeat and Mai Mai anyone?) and went for Japanese karaoke! Did you know, you can get free curlers at the Puri Kura booth area so you can style your hair and look pretty for the photo? There are even rentals of maid costumes and other costumes for the Puri Kura! I got to practice my Japanese everywhere, so that was quite fun too J
• We went to Tokyo DisneySea, which was wayyy better than I expected. It’s a great place for couples/dating (gosh everywhere in Japan is great for dating lol), and the food was cheap and delicious compared to all the other theme parks I’ve been to!! I was especially impressed with their service – I accidentally dropped my gyoza bun on the ground as I was unwrapping it, because it was too hot. I was brushing off the dirt and going to eat it anyway, but one of the staff saw it and immediately came over and offered to switch for a new gyoza bun for me. She even came back with a box so I wouldn’t drop it because it was too hot! Definitely made my day there…
• I didn’t plan to do a kimono rental, but it turned out to be so much fun and totally worth it! I would never have done it if not for my friend’s enthusiasm, haha so I’ll have to thank her for my pretty kimono photos and the great experience of feeling “Japanese”
• Went to Nara and played with deer…they are definitely too aggressive and used to getting food whenever they wanted. They smell though, and peed/pooped EVERYWHERE.
• Schoolchildren were everywhere too! I think it’s the season for their school fieldtrips, so they went to different touristy places like Disneysea/Disneyland, Nara, Kyoto, Osaka for their trips. So lucky…I wish I got to travel to touristy places as part of school L
• We went for a traditional Japanese hotspring experience! Went to Minoo Onsen, where most of the people were elderly Japanese and the serving staff didn’t know how to speak English, so that’s how we know we were really at a traditional place that locals frequent. There was karaoke, funfair games, delicious food and massage/spa services, almost like a theme park but just for onsen. There were multiple onsen tubs with varying temperatures of hot spring pools, and an outdoor pool as well as a room temperature pool (that’s absolutely freezing coming from the hot pools) + a sauna! They provided all the needed products like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, makeup remover, facewash and collagen peeling gel for free! We discovered the power of collagen peeling gel hahaha (thank you obasan for telling us to give it a try!), and all those products were for sale outside the onsen, so it’s a great way to advertise and get people to buy these products if they liked it

Clubbing in Japan

• We went clubbing in Osaka, and learnt a lot about the clubbing culture in Japan. Turns out there are laws that restrict how late the clubs open until (at least in Kyoto and Osaka), so a lot of the clubs open at 7 or 8pm and close at 1am or 2am! This is perfect for those who want to catch the last train home/who have work the next day haha
• We also learnt that guys in Japan approach girls by grabbing their hands – they don’t do grinding the way Americans do, and they don’t do the shyly approach and chitchat method that Singaporeans use. They do a modest hand grabbing and if you don’t pull away, they start to dance with you / touch your waist and back. It’s quite interesting to see the differences between cultures, and to see that Japanese guys are really quite bold despite their usual conservativeness
• All of them asked for my Line, and I was like – we don’t use Line! (in Japanese). Because of that experience, we downloaded Line just to see what it’s all about, and now I know why it’s so popular in Asia. Again this is a repeat from my previous post, but i just have to say this again - the stickers are so much fun, and they have more features than whatsapp/wechat/fb messenger do! Amazing app hahaha
• On a sidenote, I also discovered the emoji keyboard that comes with the Japanese keyboard… (*^o^*)

Themed cafes

• Japan has a thing for themed cafes/izakayas. I had a great time going to a butler café, maid café, as well as a haunted café (part of the Lockup chain). They were definitely the best experiences I’ve had and totally worth my time and $$ hahaha
•  Other cafes include animal cafes and a ninja-themed café, Alice in Wonderland café, etc. We weren’t so interested in those, but definitely an option for others visiting Japan in the future

Food

• We took an okonomiyaki class where we learnt not just how to make okonomiyaki from scratch, but also how to make dashi stock and miso soup from scratch, how to make onigiri (both normal and grilled), as well as pickled cucumbers. It was one of the best meals I’ve ever made, and it easily tops my list as one of the best memories I had of Japan :D In that class, we learnt that there were two types of okonomiyaki – Kansai style and Hiroshima style. Kansai style is the typical okonomiyaki that we know of, whereas Hiroshima style is more like a pancake where they pile all the ingredients on top of the batter instead of having the ingredients mixed into the batter. If I ever to go Hiroshima, I’ll definitely give it a try haha. We also noticed that food in the Kansai area tends to be saltier and more saucy/flavorful, I guess people in the region just likes to have stronger flavor in their food…
• At the class, we also found out about the cooking instructor’s lifestyle. She and her husband loves to travel, so they are now running guesthouses in Kyoto while teaching cooking and renting bicycles/motorbikes, and travelling during down periods in the tourism season. It’s quite interesting how they achieved their dreams of traveling while working – guess it’s always easier to do that if you run your own business
• We also went to Kobe just to have Kobe beef for dinner – it was the most expensive meal we had in Japan, but then again it was totally worth it. We were only going to be in Kobe once in our lifetimes (maybe not), but we went straight for the most expensive grade A5 Kobe beef with the highest level of marbling 10-12, and took the set meal. It was also at a top 10 restaurant in Kobe haha, and we got to watch the chef prepare and cook all the food on the teppan right in front of us! We also got to observe Japanese business etiquette at the same time, as we were seated next to a bunch of Japanese/Korean business people. Turns out the most junior person pays for the meal if it’s company expense, and the most senior person pays if it’s personal expense. Super interesting hahaha
• Tried all kinds of Japanese food, including mentaiko tsukemen, sushi/sashimi, delicious burnt shoyu ramen, onigiri, traditional kaiseki, etc. All oishii!

This was definitely an unforgettable experience. I’ll be back again Japan, and next time I’ll be prepared with luggage space to go shopping hahaha ;)