This may very well be the most important video I've seen in my life. It's only audio, and is the famous commencement speech by David Foster Wallace, "This is Water". All of you should listen to it when you get a chance:
Otherwise you can also read it in transcript form here: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf
I was so impressed by his eloquence and the way he showed the value of education in both abstract and concrete terms, with examples and analogies. This left an impact on me and codified what I actually have been learning and struggling to do myself in the past few years. I called it "empathy", that we need to learn to see things from others' perspectives and to think in their shoes, and hence act accordingly with kindness and respect. It was such a difficult thing to learn though, for people to truly internalize and do in their day-to-day lives. It was hard getting the point across without seeming patronizing or lecturing, and that's why I'm supremely amazed by how he did it so well without imposing his views on us. He gave his story, and we all learned a little something from there.
In his speech, he called it awareness, to choose consciously how to think and what to think, to be well adjusted and not see everything as being all about yourself.
I realize now his way of putting it is a lot more digestible, and easier for the bright-eyed, proud new graduates to understand. They wouldn't be able to understand empathy the way they can understand awareness from him, from the way his speech laid it out as a self-centric mechanism of being aware and thinking consciously of others. It really illustrates and teaches us what we need to do with our lives, with our day ins and day outs.
I'm so glad that my friend shared this with me. It really changes the way I think when I say things like "they should be better at communicating" or "they should be better at empathy and understanding each other!" when I watch shows like Terrace House. When I observe human interactions that I wholly disapprove of. I realise that the easier way to put it is that they have to be more conscious and aware of others, and put in the effort to choose to think different.
I also feel somewhat a connection to David, by the fact that he's been struggling with depression and in the end committed suicide in 2008 (a mere 3 years after this iconic speech). I've read somewhere that depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, while people who are not depressed are usually over-optimistic and over-confident about how they stand in the world (e.g. they all think they look above average...which can't be possible).
Having gone through depression before in my teens, I saw the world clearly for what it stood, but I could never really express what I meant until now. I've always been advocating empathy and kindness, but now I can point to an alternative approach - this is water.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Monday, January 09, 2017
Our most ambitious music video yet!
This has been in the planning for a few weeks, and finally we made it happen! It's our first semi-professional (attempt) at making a music video - here are some sneak preview shots:
My housemate and I were planning to visit Death Valley and decided that it would also be a perfect location for all these stunning scenery shots for our music video. Please pardon all our my awful attempts at looking like professionals (and failing terribly...); instead, gawk at how beautiful Death Valley is!
hehe that was the whole point, even if our singing was terrible and the video sucked, at least you get more amazing sceneries than the original MV offered hahaha.
Hope you'll enjoy this as much as we did in making it, and stay till the end for some behind-the-scenes bloopers!
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| Our emo shot at the Golden Canyon, which can also serve as our album cover (if we ever publish one) |
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| Jump Shot at Badwater (Salt Flats) |
Hope you'll enjoy this as much as we did in making it, and stay till the end for some behind-the-scenes bloopers!
Tuesday, January 03, 2017
my first experience with Death
I just heard the news from my parents that my grandma probably won't live past this Friday. She hasn't been doing well this past year - she was diagnosed with liver cancer last March and underwent surgery to cut out a portion of her liver and colon where it had spread to. She had to live with a stoma, and perhaps it's because of her age (she's 80) surgery created complications for her recovery. She had kidney failure so she needed dialysis three times a week, she kept getting infections and fevers so she would be admitted to the hospital for weeks at a time. Every time she's discharged she'll develop some other illness and had to be sent back to the hospital. My uncle and aunt put her in a hospice for a while but she had to go back to the hospital before long.
Finally, the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The only treatment is chemotherapy, but everyone agreed that she's not going to be able to take it. She's also been having low blood pressure because of the kidney dialysis, which means that blood may not be able to get to her heart or brain, i.e. her heart can stop anytime, she can go brain dead anytime. The doctor injected some medication for her to increase her blood pressure but it didn't work well and only gave her fainting spells.
Now, my grandma is in a comatose state, and hasn't been responsive since 12/23/16. My parents, uncle, aunt and the doctors have made the decision to stop her kidney dialysis so she won't suffer complications from low blood pressure. This is meant to end her suffering earlier rather than just keeping her alive with injections. This also means that there will be toxin buildup in my grandma's body, that her body will fail. That she will not live past the next few days.
I don't really know how I feel about this. Even though she's my grandma, I realized that I haven't been close to her at all - not during my childhood (I was in hk), not in my teens (my family didn't stay with her) nor in my adulthood (now that I'm in the us). She's just someone I visited every once in a few months, and got angpaos from during CNY. She had always been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember (she had a stroke in her 50s and couldn't walk properly since then), and she's always lived with my uncle or aunt. I got the feeling that my mum was never too close to her either, since my mum was often out working back in her youth, and then she moved out early on.
This is the first time a close relative of mine is dying, and with the very real implication of a funeral coming up. I feel compelled to take sick leave of bereavement (which I can) and fly back just for her funeral, and I'm willing to do that, though I never expected it would be so soon. My parents told me not to do that though, especially since I'm heading back next month. My mum said that my brother will represent me, and that she will get a funeral flower wreath on my brother's and my behalf.
I feel somewhat guilty that I never bothered to become closer to my grandma, that I never bothered to learn more about her and her life. That I was never interested in what she did, what she thought, what her life had been like, what wisdom she might be able to impart. She's always been there to smile at me awkwardly, ask me things about my work/whether I had a bf, and comment about the weather or a tv show. Never anything deep, never anything close. I don't feel sorry for not being closer, but I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel apathetic to your relatives, to someone you're not close to. I even feel some relief that I don't have to go for her funeral, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to cry for her.
I'm not sure how my mum feels about this. I've asked her several times if she's ok, and she always said that there's nothing to do about it, when ppl grow old this is what happens.
I know that the funeral is mainly for the ones who are left behind, so it's to support my mum, my uncle, and my aunt. Ppl who have cared and loved for my grandma and would need support at the time of her passing. When my mum says this, I always worry about whether I should still worry for her or not. It's all too confusing and foreign to me, and I honestly don't know what to do or feel. I am not a cold blooded animal, but sometimes I feel like I must be one if I don't feel for my grandma. All I feel is slight guilt, and pity for her. I worry about me growing old, and becoming like that. Suffering from poor health, not quite dead but dying? I'd hate it, I'd absolutely abhor it and I'd rather be dead. So I stop thinking about it and instead read books about assisted suicide, and how ppl choose to die rather than be a burden to their family and keep suffering in pain.
My thoughts are all a jumble right now, and the best I can do is to write this down, and then ignore it all. It's not going to be a momentous event to me when my grandma passes, but would it be if it's my mum? My dad? My brother?
Would I cry for them if it's them instead of my grandma? Why is it I don't miss them when I'm out here away from home, and when I do I mainly miss the cooking, the company, the comfort of having someone else to take care of me?
Am I really a cold person after all?
I wish my family had grown up closer and with more outward love and laughter, rather than expectations and pressure. I wish we could have been so close that it's normal to hug them and say I love them.
Is it possible to change this now? Do I even want to change this now?
Update 1/7/17 4.32am Singapore Time: my grandma has passed away, and the wake is being held starting this afternoon in Singapore in Marsiling, at the void deck of her old HDB home. I will not be attending, but in my heart I feel deeply for my grandma. I wish all the best for her, and I hope that she will finally find peace and be free of pain wherever she is now.
Finally, the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The only treatment is chemotherapy, but everyone agreed that she's not going to be able to take it. She's also been having low blood pressure because of the kidney dialysis, which means that blood may not be able to get to her heart or brain, i.e. her heart can stop anytime, she can go brain dead anytime. The doctor injected some medication for her to increase her blood pressure but it didn't work well and only gave her fainting spells.
Now, my grandma is in a comatose state, and hasn't been responsive since 12/23/16. My parents, uncle, aunt and the doctors have made the decision to stop her kidney dialysis so she won't suffer complications from low blood pressure. This is meant to end her suffering earlier rather than just keeping her alive with injections. This also means that there will be toxin buildup in my grandma's body, that her body will fail. That she will not live past the next few days.
I don't really know how I feel about this. Even though she's my grandma, I realized that I haven't been close to her at all - not during my childhood (I was in hk), not in my teens (my family didn't stay with her) nor in my adulthood (now that I'm in the us). She's just someone I visited every once in a few months, and got angpaos from during CNY. She had always been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember (she had a stroke in her 50s and couldn't walk properly since then), and she's always lived with my uncle or aunt. I got the feeling that my mum was never too close to her either, since my mum was often out working back in her youth, and then she moved out early on.
This is the first time a close relative of mine is dying, and with the very real implication of a funeral coming up. I feel compelled to take sick leave of bereavement (which I can) and fly back just for her funeral, and I'm willing to do that, though I never expected it would be so soon. My parents told me not to do that though, especially since I'm heading back next month. My mum said that my brother will represent me, and that she will get a funeral flower wreath on my brother's and my behalf.
I feel somewhat guilty that I never bothered to become closer to my grandma, that I never bothered to learn more about her and her life. That I was never interested in what she did, what she thought, what her life had been like, what wisdom she might be able to impart. She's always been there to smile at me awkwardly, ask me things about my work/whether I had a bf, and comment about the weather or a tv show. Never anything deep, never anything close. I don't feel sorry for not being closer, but I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel apathetic to your relatives, to someone you're not close to. I even feel some relief that I don't have to go for her funeral, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to cry for her.
I'm not sure how my mum feels about this. I've asked her several times if she's ok, and she always said that there's nothing to do about it, when ppl grow old this is what happens.
I know that the funeral is mainly for the ones who are left behind, so it's to support my mum, my uncle, and my aunt. Ppl who have cared and loved for my grandma and would need support at the time of her passing. When my mum says this, I always worry about whether I should still worry for her or not. It's all too confusing and foreign to me, and I honestly don't know what to do or feel. I am not a cold blooded animal, but sometimes I feel like I must be one if I don't feel for my grandma. All I feel is slight guilt, and pity for her. I worry about me growing old, and becoming like that. Suffering from poor health, not quite dead but dying? I'd hate it, I'd absolutely abhor it and I'd rather be dead. So I stop thinking about it and instead read books about assisted suicide, and how ppl choose to die rather than be a burden to their family and keep suffering in pain.
My thoughts are all a jumble right now, and the best I can do is to write this down, and then ignore it all. It's not going to be a momentous event to me when my grandma passes, but would it be if it's my mum? My dad? My brother?
Would I cry for them if it's them instead of my grandma? Why is it I don't miss them when I'm out here away from home, and when I do I mainly miss the cooking, the company, the comfort of having someone else to take care of me?
Am I really a cold person after all?
I wish my family had grown up closer and with more outward love and laughter, rather than expectations and pressure. I wish we could have been so close that it's normal to hug them and say I love them.
Is it possible to change this now? Do I even want to change this now?
Update 1/7/17 4.32am Singapore Time: my grandma has passed away, and the wake is being held starting this afternoon in Singapore in Marsiling, at the void deck of her old HDB home. I will not be attending, but in my heart I feel deeply for my grandma. I wish all the best for her, and I hope that she will finally find peace and be free of pain wherever she is now.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
for comic relief hahaha
Merry Christmas folks! Here's our Christmas gift to all who are bored - I collaborated with my amazing housemate and friend to sing a duet cover of Jay Chou & A-Mei's Bu Gai - yes the one I recently just covered by myself, solo singing both parts. This time we did something quite different - we decided to experiment with having video to go with the audio, so we did a whole lip-syncing thing like pros do when they record MVs!
we even made sure to wear matching denim jackets - since i was wearing blue with white on the inside, she wore white with blue on the inside! also, she's channeling her inner jay chou while i'm channelling my inner a-mei hahahaha...
...except it ended up being more comical than anything else, and what with all our mistakes (i.e. my housemate kept forgetting when she's supposed to sing and when not to lol)...it just became comic relief....
so here you go! something to keep you laughing for AT LEAST 4 min, and if you're anything like me, it will keep you laughing for 30 min hahaha (i am replaying the video at least 10 times...)
sorry we made this tragic love song look so happy T.T... at least we're different from every other cover out there!
we even made sure to wear matching denim jackets - since i was wearing blue with white on the inside, she wore white with blue on the inside! also, she's channeling her inner jay chou while i'm channelling my inner a-mei hahahaha...
...except it ended up being more comical than anything else, and what with all our mistakes (i.e. my housemate kept forgetting when she's supposed to sing and when not to lol)...it just became comic relief....
so here you go! something to keep you laughing for AT LEAST 4 min, and if you're anything like me, it will keep you laughing for 30 min hahaha (i am replaying the video at least 10 times...)
sorry we made this tragic love song look so happy T.T... at least we're different from every other cover out there!
Monday, December 19, 2016
bridesmaid dress + my first videos guitar covers
I just got my bridesmaid dress for next year's wedding!! it's so pretty haha, and I can't wait to live my life-long dream of being a bridesmaid :) my favorite part that I'm looking forward to is the gatecrash, where I get to get some $$ and torture haze the bridesgroom and his bros hehe.
For those who didn't know, I've been learning the guitar, and I bought a second guitar to leave in Colorado where I've been travelling to for work. I've been practising that second guitar (in peace and quiet), with no worries about my housemates hearing me practising/singing haha. I'm really shy about practising in front of people. Say hi to Jasmine the Second! (Jasmine the First is my original guitar if you haven't guessed...)
Last night I was practising back home, and I suddenly had the thought of recording myself playing. It would give me much better feedback to know how terribly I play and how funny I must look playing the guitar. It also helped me boost my confidence/be prepared playing in front of people if I'm recording myself playing haha.
I realised it's really hard because usually I'm looking at my fingers either strumming or on the fretboard, but when I'm recording I had to make the effort to look at the camera (i.e. away from the guitar), and also look happier/not make stupid ugly faces...it's so difficult! Performing music is clearly so much more difficult than just practising by myself T.T
Look at my dumb face in the thumbnail hahaha!
Lastly, my favorite song these days to sing and play on the guitar!! there were a few funny mistakes in there haha but ignore them like I do, and all will be well in this world :)
Thursday, December 08, 2016
a little singing by myself :)
ever since I heard this song, I've wanted to record this song. this song literally gave me shivers down my spine and goosebumps on my arms. it's so good, especially with two of my most-admired mandopop singers finally collaborating.
I once recorded another duet of Jay Chou's (Shan Hu Hai), but have since lost the recording with my old laptop when the hard drive crashed. maybe I'll re-record it one day...I love learning two-part duets and singing in both voices, especially with all the harmonizing. it's so fun!!
I'll probably be recording this song with my housemate (since we both love it), so I guess we can look forward to another rendition of this song, where it won't be all me, myself and I ...(aren't you already sick of my voice by now? I totally am by the time I get to 2/3 of the song...)
here it is - enjoy!
I once recorded another duet of Jay Chou's (Shan Hu Hai), but have since lost the recording with my old laptop when the hard drive crashed. maybe I'll re-record it one day...I love learning two-part duets and singing in both voices, especially with all the harmonizing. it's so fun!!
I'll probably be recording this song with my housemate (since we both love it), so I guess we can look forward to another rendition of this song, where it won't be all me, myself and I ...(aren't you already sick of my voice by now? I totally am by the time I get to 2/3 of the song...)
here it is - enjoy!
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Not all that glitters is gold...
Ahah! What is today's post about? -drum rolls-
Well, it's been a looong time since I last went shopping. So today I went shopping for the first time in Denver with my coworkers! They were shopping for a white elephant gift for our holiday party in SF this weekend, and since I've already bought my gift (on Amazon, duh!) I just walked around shopping. Didn't see any shoes or work clothes that were nice and cheap enough, but I chanced upon this rare find!
It's pretty isn't it? I was just telling my friend that years ago when I was still with my ex, we would talk about wedding ring designs and I'd say that it's so boring to have just an expensive diamond ring, I'd rather have one with multicolored gems on it! I actually forgot about it until seeing this today, and I thought whoa! I've got to get it! It's the first time I've seen an actual multicolored gemstone jewelry and that made me so happy and excited, plus it was discounted 75%, plus another 10% on top of it!! What a steal!
So yeah if any of you see me wearing these festive and pretty colored earrings, you'll know the story behind that hehe! ^^
On a side note, I've been nominated by my firm for this award that I'll be applying for, it's essentially establishing me as a subject matter expert in supply chain and procurement, and I'm really not confident. The others who have been awarded before are all very experienced and have been doing this at least 10-20 more years than I have! But it's a great honor to even be considered, and no way I'm going to pass this great opportunity up. I'll try my best and see where this goes! I must say I'm really happy that I'm so well regarded by my company, and I really appreciate them promoting me this way :D
Also, I've signed up for volunteering as a pro bono consultant, just attended orientation today. I'm also excited at how this pans out...
Plus! I've signed up for swimming classes starting this week, I'm really proud of myself for finally doing it. no more fear of water and inefficient swimming for me! what with dance classes plus workouts plus dates plus travel everywhere, my life is really filling up!
Well, it's been a looong time since I last went shopping. So today I went shopping for the first time in Denver with my coworkers! They were shopping for a white elephant gift for our holiday party in SF this weekend, and since I've already bought my gift (on Amazon, duh!) I just walked around shopping. Didn't see any shoes or work clothes that were nice and cheap enough, but I chanced upon this rare find!
It's pretty isn't it? I was just telling my friend that years ago when I was still with my ex, we would talk about wedding ring designs and I'd say that it's so boring to have just an expensive diamond ring, I'd rather have one with multicolored gems on it! I actually forgot about it until seeing this today, and I thought whoa! I've got to get it! It's the first time I've seen an actual multicolored gemstone jewelry and that made me so happy and excited, plus it was discounted 75%, plus another 10% on top of it!! What a steal!
So yeah if any of you see me wearing these festive and pretty colored earrings, you'll know the story behind that hehe! ^^
On a side note, I've been nominated by my firm for this award that I'll be applying for, it's essentially establishing me as a subject matter expert in supply chain and procurement, and I'm really not confident. The others who have been awarded before are all very experienced and have been doing this at least 10-20 more years than I have! But it's a great honor to even be considered, and no way I'm going to pass this great opportunity up. I'll try my best and see where this goes! I must say I'm really happy that I'm so well regarded by my company, and I really appreciate them promoting me this way :D
Also, I've signed up for volunteering as a pro bono consultant, just attended orientation today. I'm also excited at how this pans out...
Plus! I've signed up for swimming classes starting this week, I'm really proud of myself for finally doing it. no more fear of water and inefficient swimming for me! what with dance classes plus workouts plus dates plus travel everywhere, my life is really filling up!
Monday, November 28, 2016
Bored
Facebook messenger: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas gift card to buy a dress and then I go get home or not I'll let it be a nice guy and I don't know actually what he is going on to say about the time he is my favorite dimsum at Christmas dinner"
That's what happens when you type in "this year for Christmas I want" and you see what the results end up being...
Text message: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas party to get to my house so I'll let it be a Christmas present next year lol I'm not looking at the snow anymore but I'm so happy I didn't get it out there lol I didn't know you was just the wrong guy to get a Christmas present from him and he didn't know it lol"
I use too many lols in my texts!
Blog: This year for Christmas I want "to be friends and family to go get home or not I can go get to the party and go to sleep and I have no friends with me to go get to brunch or dinner at night time and dinner party and friends then friends and friends friends and are nice and friends with me and friends then friends with me from the other side of my room"
I see what's going on here. I like food, party and friends a little too much...especially to "go get" them! clearly I'm too bored.
That's what happens when you type in "this year for Christmas I want" and you see what the results end up being...
Text message: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas party to get to my house so I'll let it be a Christmas present next year lol I'm not looking at the snow anymore but I'm so happy I didn't get it out there lol I didn't know you was just the wrong guy to get a Christmas present from him and he didn't know it lol"
I use too many lols in my texts!
Blog: This year for Christmas I want "to be friends and family to go get home or not I can go get to the party and go to sleep and I have no friends with me to go get to brunch or dinner at night time and dinner party and friends then friends and friends friends and are nice and friends with me and friends then friends with me from the other side of my room"
I see what's going on here. I like food, party and friends a little too much...especially to "go get" them! clearly I'm too bored.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
lazy day
today is a lazy day to recover from the super busy day yesterday (brunch, tea then birthday party dinner and club/bar after). good to know i'm still doing well single and mingling ;)
i'm binge watching wongfu's youtube red videos series, "Single By 30", absolutely loving the two main characters. They're so beautiful together and have such great chemistry! I wish they're actually together in real life :(
my roommate and i absolutely loved this rendition of the main female lead's singing at the wedding in the series - i tube chopped it so you can enjoy the song :)
this made my day hahaha - when your average singaporean life becomes a korean drama xD https://www.facebook.com/sgag.sg/videos/1512638942084422/
i'm binge watching wongfu's youtube red videos series, "Single By 30", absolutely loving the two main characters. They're so beautiful together and have such great chemistry! I wish they're actually together in real life :(
my roommate and i absolutely loved this rendition of the main female lead's singing at the wedding in the series - i tube chopped it so you can enjoy the song :)
this made my day hahaha - when your average singaporean life becomes a korean drama xD https://www.facebook.com/sgag.sg/videos/1512638942084422/
Tuesday, November 01, 2016
I am liberated!!!
So....today I told the guy I like that I like him. Here's what I said:
"Can I tell you something? It's about us - I know you must have realized it by now, that I really like hanging out with you, I enjoy spending time with you, and that I like you...a lot. I know you're not looking for anything though, and that you don't want to start anything long distance, so I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, and I've decided to move on. I'm going to friend zone you, and we'll be cool as friends."
Then he said exactly what I expected - he's not looking for anything at this time. And if we hadn't met at this time, where he knows he's moving away to London, then maybe we can be possible. And I said gosh the right person but wrong time excuse!!
He also said that I'm a really cool person and that he really likes hanging out with me, and that he's sorry if he was sending mixed signals because he might have been doing that.
I said yeah I hate the uncertainty where we send mixed signals and lead each other on, I'd rather be upfront about it and honest with each other, and that's how we can be good friends. And I also mentioned that his friend was kind of sending signals to me but I figured the friend's just trying to matchmake us, not because he told the friend something about me...
When I said this: "Honestly, I've never felt happier with any other guy, not even with my previous bf", he went Aww and gave me a hug of sorts haha, and said he was very flattered.
Then I said , "I really don't want to let you go. But I'm going to let you go. And yes the friendzone does exist hahaha!!" He laughed at that :)
I reiterated that I don't want him to feel pressured, and that we can hang out some more as cool friends. I really don't want him to feel burdened by me liking him, especially when it's clear he likes me but definitely not enough to want to date me (esp not with the long distance!!)
I also told him that if I'm coming on too strong or anything, definitely let me know! Hahaha
So that's my first step to being a full fledged grown up, adult, someone who actually is upfront with her feelings and being really cool about it. Even I'm proud of myself for doing it, even though the delivery could be wayyy improved haha. I was so nervous that I just couldn't find the right time or opportunity to say it, and I kept wanting to chicken out or procrastinate it further! But I created the opportunity for it by asking him to walk with me to the bart/muni, and when I realised we were getting close I absolutely had to say it then!! So I did. I blundered through it and was kind of awkward (hopefully cute/funny awkward) but I warmed up to my lines. Thank goodness I've practiced these lines a few times beforehand so I don't screw them up hahaha.
And now, I truly feel liberated and relieved. I finally know exactly how he feels, no more second guessing or being tortured by mixed signals or being annoyed or frustrated by his lack of advancement. I've taken control of this relationship dynamic and now, I can truly move on and be friends with him. This is such a great learning experience for me haha. I'm super excited for the new me and for the upcoming days ahead!!!
P.s. And yes we made plans for dinner next week, and potentially brunch tmr...I probably will say no to brunch and I won't even bat an eyelid about it hahahaha! Because now I know that he likes me for who I am, as a friend with no expectations. So he's been asking me out because we are friends, and he won't stop asking me out just because he's "lost interest" in me the way other guys would when they like me. This means I can legitly hang out with him without any pressure yo!!
"Can I tell you something? It's about us - I know you must have realized it by now, that I really like hanging out with you, I enjoy spending time with you, and that I like you...a lot. I know you're not looking for anything though, and that you don't want to start anything long distance, so I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, and I've decided to move on. I'm going to friend zone you, and we'll be cool as friends."
Then he said exactly what I expected - he's not looking for anything at this time. And if we hadn't met at this time, where he knows he's moving away to London, then maybe we can be possible. And I said gosh the right person but wrong time excuse!!
He also said that I'm a really cool person and that he really likes hanging out with me, and that he's sorry if he was sending mixed signals because he might have been doing that.
I said yeah I hate the uncertainty where we send mixed signals and lead each other on, I'd rather be upfront about it and honest with each other, and that's how we can be good friends. And I also mentioned that his friend was kind of sending signals to me but I figured the friend's just trying to matchmake us, not because he told the friend something about me...
When I said this: "Honestly, I've never felt happier with any other guy, not even with my previous bf", he went Aww and gave me a hug of sorts haha, and said he was very flattered.
Then I said , "I really don't want to let you go. But I'm going to let you go. And yes the friendzone does exist hahaha!!" He laughed at that :)
I reiterated that I don't want him to feel pressured, and that we can hang out some more as cool friends. I really don't want him to feel burdened by me liking him, especially when it's clear he likes me but definitely not enough to want to date me (esp not with the long distance!!)
I also told him that if I'm coming on too strong or anything, definitely let me know! Hahaha
So that's my first step to being a full fledged grown up, adult, someone who actually is upfront with her feelings and being really cool about it. Even I'm proud of myself for doing it, even though the delivery could be wayyy improved haha. I was so nervous that I just couldn't find the right time or opportunity to say it, and I kept wanting to chicken out or procrastinate it further! But I created the opportunity for it by asking him to walk with me to the bart/muni, and when I realised we were getting close I absolutely had to say it then!! So I did. I blundered through it and was kind of awkward (hopefully cute/funny awkward) but I warmed up to my lines. Thank goodness I've practiced these lines a few times beforehand so I don't screw them up hahaha.
And now, I truly feel liberated and relieved. I finally know exactly how he feels, no more second guessing or being tortured by mixed signals or being annoyed or frustrated by his lack of advancement. I've taken control of this relationship dynamic and now, I can truly move on and be friends with him. This is such a great learning experience for me haha. I'm super excited for the new me and for the upcoming days ahead!!!
P.s. And yes we made plans for dinner next week, and potentially brunch tmr...I probably will say no to brunch and I won't even bat an eyelid about it hahahaha! Because now I know that he likes me for who I am, as a friend with no expectations. So he's been asking me out because we are friends, and he won't stop asking me out just because he's "lost interest" in me the way other guys would when they like me. This means I can legitly hang out with him without any pressure yo!!
Sunday, October 30, 2016
heartbroken
http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2016/03/if-he-wanted-to-be-with-you-he-would-be-with-you/
#it'stheheartbreakingtruth
"But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.
Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?
That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more."
#it'stheheartbreakingtruth
do i put up shields to protect myself?
Two days ago, a coworker told me this over drinks, that I always have a poker face on, that I'm not really showing who I am. He said it in a candid manner, but I realised that when he said poker face - he meant my smile and happy face. I definitely DON'T have a poker face, haha I fail at poker so terribly.
So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.
When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.
For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.
But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught, and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).
Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?
--------------
on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.
for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:
Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.
So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.
If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...
So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.
When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.
For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.
But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught, and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).
Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?
--------------
on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.
for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:
Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.
So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.
If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
musings on upbringing - how I wish I was brought up
I read this article on facebook, and thought this is so true! definitely how I would want to raise my kids in the future - http://qz.com/644491/a-stanford-dean-on-adult-skills-every-18-year-old-should-have/
That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.
The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.
I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....
Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.
For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.
That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.
The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.
I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....
Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.
For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.
Friday, October 21, 2016
my favorite singer from my childhood
guess who?
Yes it's none other than Rainie Yang - my favorite singer from my childhood!!~
She's pretty amazing, started in the entertainment industry since she was 14 (with advertisements and a small role in a HK movie). She used to be called Lily Yang, but when she was 16, she auditioned successfully to join a girls' group called 4 in Love. Each member of the group was given a stage name that corresponded with the weather, so she was Rainie, and there were also Sunnie, Windie and Cloudie.
After two albums that didn't do too well, the group disbanded and only Rainie and Sunnie remained in the entertainment industry. Windie became a flight attendant (I actually saw her when I went for Rainie's 3rd album's autograph signing session in Singapore - Windie came to visit Rainie and it created a huge commotion as they were so happy hugging and catching up), Cloudie went off to college, and Sunnie became a host and comedian. Only Rainie stayed successful singing, acting, hosting and performing...and it's because of her persistence.
Rainie had to make money to pay off her dad's debts, and she really had passion for singing and acting. She is very hardworking and is a perfectionist, and kept working at it. She had a few blunders, where she offended Mainland Chinese by making thoughtless remarks on National TV on the Japanese Occupation (she thought it was 11 years long, and turned out it was "only" 8 years). It caused an uproar and a boycott of her dramas, songs and shows. She made an apology saying she didn't go to high school and she didn't know her history that well. She definitely did not do well back then.
I followed her love stories and her life and all her albums, from 1 through 10...and now that she just published her 10th album, I'm super excited to buy it!! One thing to note - she always changes her hairstyle for each album, it's always such a cool surprise to find out what her next style would be. This one showcased her in a carefree shoulder-length purple hair, which is almost like a rock star. It's amazing her transformation from "Cutie Princess" to today - so mature, so rock-punkish!
Can you guess which of the polaroids below is my favorite one? :D
It's almost with nostalgia and fond memories of my childhood (I've been following her since 2003!), that I look through these polaroids and think about the various albums I listened to over the years.
Found out which one is my favorite polaroid yet? If you did a Ctrl+F you might actually find it hahaha...
Yes it's none other than Rainie Yang - my favorite singer from my childhood!!~
She's pretty amazing, started in the entertainment industry since she was 14 (with advertisements and a small role in a HK movie). She used to be called Lily Yang, but when she was 16, she auditioned successfully to join a girls' group called 4 in Love. Each member of the group was given a stage name that corresponded with the weather, so she was Rainie, and there were also Sunnie, Windie and Cloudie.
After two albums that didn't do too well, the group disbanded and only Rainie and Sunnie remained in the entertainment industry. Windie became a flight attendant (I actually saw her when I went for Rainie's 3rd album's autograph signing session in Singapore - Windie came to visit Rainie and it created a huge commotion as they were so happy hugging and catching up), Cloudie went off to college, and Sunnie became a host and comedian. Only Rainie stayed successful singing, acting, hosting and performing...and it's because of her persistence.
Rainie had to make money to pay off her dad's debts, and she really had passion for singing and acting. She is very hardworking and is a perfectionist, and kept working at it. She had a few blunders, where she offended Mainland Chinese by making thoughtless remarks on National TV on the Japanese Occupation (she thought it was 11 years long, and turned out it was "only" 8 years). It caused an uproar and a boycott of her dramas, songs and shows. She made an apology saying she didn't go to high school and she didn't know her history that well. She definitely did not do well back then.
I followed her love stories and her life and all her albums, from 1 through 10...and now that she just published her 10th album, I'm super excited to buy it!! One thing to note - she always changes her hairstyle for each album, it's always such a cool surprise to find out what her next style would be. This one showcased her in a carefree shoulder-length purple hair, which is almost like a rock star. It's amazing her transformation from "Cutie Princess" to today - so mature, so rock-punkish!
Can you guess which of the polaroids below is my favorite one? :D
 |
| Her album cover + 10 polaroids, 1 on each of her albums and famous songs from the corresponding album! |
 |
| Love that purple hair - how does she still look so young when she's 32??! |
 |
| Her 2nd album - one of my favorite ones haha |
 |
| For this album, she sported that funky jellyfish hairstyle |
 |
| My favorite song here - Dai4 Wo3 Zou3 |
 |
| ahh this is my favorite polaroid of them all hahaha. She's so cute!! Also has my all-time favorite Rainie Song - Yu3 Ai4 here :D |
 |
| Looking up? |
 |
| More mature album |
 |
| This album was kindof mystical, definitely not her usual style |
 |
| This album had a lot of good, mature songs. I like Dian3 Shui3 and Shi1 Yi4 De Jin1 Yu2 best! |
 |
| This is her newest album. So cool! And definitely go listen to her new album songs - my favorites are Dan1 (Being Single) and Guan1 Zhong4 (Audience) |
Found out which one is my favorite polaroid yet? If you did a Ctrl+F you might actually find it hahaha...
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
To confess, or not to confess?
This was written 10/18/16:
There's a guy I like, we're friends right now and I think we have great chemistry. I feel happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy I've gone on dates with, which is saying a lot. He's super nice and makes me happy - but there are a lot of things in the way. My pride, his pride, him sending mixed signals - he's super nice to me, but he's not responsive to my texts. he's super enthusiastic about hanging out, but he never asks me out first - i have been asking him out. we have great bonding moments but when asked what he's looking for now, he says he's "going to peace out until London". he doesn't want LDR, but I honestly think if he likes someone enough, he will be willing to do LDR for that person. How can I become that person?
Ok so with all these thoughts, I talked it through with my housemate and he gave some good analysis. We decided to put it all into a probability graphing model, based on my current assessments of probabilities as of 11pm PST on Saturday 10/15/16, the day after I just had a great time with him (we had dinner at Fogo de Chao and pretended it's my birthday just so we could get free dessert hahaha). this is just the 2nd time we hung out one-on-one, but it's the 5th time we have met up in person, quite promising right? ;)
This model plots the following variables:
k - whether he knows Joy likes him or not
c - whether he has good character or not (not asshole or asshole?)
l - whether he likes Joy a lot or not
j - whether Joy likes him a lot or not
Probabilities right now are at
k1 = 0.8
c1 = 0.95
l1 = 0.5
j1 = 1
where 1 indicates the positive attribute (e.g. k1 = he knows Joy likes him, c1 = he is nice and not an asshole). Yes at current assessment j1 is known, so it's 1 xD
Conclusions are as follows:
C1 = He treats Joy nicely because he thinks you're good friends - Confess
C2 = He's an asshole, he's playing with your feelings and leading you on - DON'T Confess
C3 = He was trying to hint that he doesn't really like you, let's stay friends - DON'T Confess
C4 = He wants to see if it's worth a potential LDR and go for the relationship - Confess
C5 = Joy should move on - DON'T Confess (this was added after the photo was taken, I also added the j0 option that Joy doesn't like him a lot, which leads to C5)
If it's conclusions 1 and 4, I should confess. If it's conclusions 2 and 3, I should not confess.
Based on these probabilities, we currently have P(C1) + P(C4) = 0.38 + 0.2 = 0.58, which means I should confess. So if he's standing here right in front of me, right now, I will confess.
Unfortunately the probabilities are going to change in the next week. If P(l1) < 0.4, or P(j1) < 0.79, or for certain combinations between 0.4 < P(l1) < 0.5 AND 0.79 < P(j1) < 1, I shouldn't confess. So these probabilities will change because if he doesn't text me in the next week, I am going to lower his probability of liking Joy a lot to less than 50%, and possibly less than 40%. If I think he doesn't like me much, I'm going to not like him as much too, so I'll lower the probability of Joy liking him a lot to less than 100%, which means it's going to move towards I should not confess.
Then again, maybe I should heck care all these and just let him know. I mean, I have nothing to lose other than my pride right? And guys are always willing to confess even though they know they're going to be rejected, why can't I? I should stop being a scaredy cat and chicken out, I should be an empowered woman and go-getter and go for what I want! If I want to get to know him better and hang out more with him, I'm going to tell him exactly that. If we don't work out, then we don't. At least we've tried right?
Wish me best of luck - we'll find out in a week. I'm not going to ask him out for a week just to see if he will make the first move - if he does then yes confession is so going to happen. If he doesn't, I'm going to ask him out and I'll -try- to confess - TBD based on probability re-assessments at that point in time xD
Hahaha i'm currently excited and scared and anxious and happy and euphoric all at once - it's been a long while since i've been so motivated by liking someone! it's refreshing and fun, and for once I'm actually going to do something about it!
(p.s. that love letter i wrote to the crush I had when I was 12 doesn't quite count...that's a story for another time hehe)
There's a guy I like, we're friends right now and I think we have great chemistry. I feel happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy I've gone on dates with, which is saying a lot. He's super nice and makes me happy - but there are a lot of things in the way. My pride, his pride, him sending mixed signals - he's super nice to me, but he's not responsive to my texts. he's super enthusiastic about hanging out, but he never asks me out first - i have been asking him out. we have great bonding moments but when asked what he's looking for now, he says he's "going to peace out until London". he doesn't want LDR, but I honestly think if he likes someone enough, he will be willing to do LDR for that person. How can I become that person?
Ok so with all these thoughts, I talked it through with my housemate and he gave some good analysis. We decided to put it all into a probability graphing model, based on my current assessments of probabilities as of 11pm PST on Saturday 10/15/16, the day after I just had a great time with him (we had dinner at Fogo de Chao and pretended it's my birthday just so we could get free dessert hahaha). this is just the 2nd time we hung out one-on-one, but it's the 5th time we have met up in person, quite promising right? ;)
This model plots the following variables:
k - whether he knows Joy likes him or not
c - whether he has good character or not (not asshole or asshole?)
l - whether he likes Joy a lot or not
j - whether Joy likes him a lot or not
Probabilities right now are at
k1 = 0.8
c1 = 0.95
l1 = 0.5
j1 = 1
where 1 indicates the positive attribute (e.g. k1 = he knows Joy likes him, c1 = he is nice and not an asshole). Yes at current assessment j1 is known, so it's 1 xD
Conclusions are as follows:
C1 = He treats Joy nicely because he thinks you're good friends - Confess
C2 = He's an asshole, he's playing with your feelings and leading you on - DON'T Confess
C3 = He was trying to hint that he doesn't really like you, let's stay friends - DON'T Confess
C4 = He wants to see if it's worth a potential LDR and go for the relationship - Confess
C5 = Joy should move on - DON'T Confess (this was added after the photo was taken, I also added the j0 option that Joy doesn't like him a lot, which leads to C5)
If it's conclusions 1 and 4, I should confess. If it's conclusions 2 and 3, I should not confess.
Based on these probabilities, we currently have P(C1) + P(C4) = 0.38 + 0.2 = 0.58, which means I should confess. So if he's standing here right in front of me, right now, I will confess.
 |
| Yes this is the actual diagram we drew on a glassboard at 11pm PST on Sat, 10/15/16. thanks housemate xD |
Then again, maybe I should heck care all these and just let him know. I mean, I have nothing to lose other than my pride right? And guys are always willing to confess even though they know they're going to be rejected, why can't I? I should stop being a scaredy cat and chicken out, I should be an empowered woman and go-getter and go for what I want! If I want to get to know him better and hang out more with him, I'm going to tell him exactly that. If we don't work out, then we don't. At least we've tried right?
Wish me best of luck - we'll find out in a week. I'm not going to ask him out for a week just to see if he will make the first move - if he does then yes confession is so going to happen. If he doesn't, I'm going to ask him out and I'll -try- to confess - TBD based on probability re-assessments at that point in time xD
Hahaha i'm currently excited and scared and anxious and happy and euphoric all at once - it's been a long while since i've been so motivated by liking someone! it's refreshing and fun, and for once I'm actually going to do something about it!
(p.s. that love letter i wrote to the crush I had when I was 12 doesn't quite count...that's a story for another time hehe)
Saturday, October 15, 2016
February30th and random musings
Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we talked about our past. This great friend of mine said February 30th, in all seriousness and really thought that was the correct date of the event he was describing.
Haha it absolutely cracked me up because at first I thought he was trolling me, but no he really thought it was 2/30!! I cleared that up shortly, but not before gaining much amusement from it.
HAHAHA!! XD
So that made me think of all the cool names we've heard over the years, things like 13 o'clock, the 5th season, the 25th hour. February 30th is the first I've heard, but that's a pretty good oddity to keep in my back pocket. If ever a guy asks me on a date and I want to reject him in a funny way, I'll say sure, but only on February 30th all right?
All jokes aside, I'm excited to go for maroon 5's concert tomorrow! That shall be the highlight of my weekend hehe
Annndd I'm super happy right now, I just got a confirmed upgrade to first class on both my flights to and back from Cancun...that's wayyy beyond my expectations! They changed the plane so there are more first class seats ^^
Life is pretty good for me now :D
Haha it absolutely cracked me up because at first I thought he was trolling me, but no he really thought it was 2/30!! I cleared that up shortly, but not before gaining much amusement from it.
HAHAHA!! XD
So that made me think of all the cool names we've heard over the years, things like 13 o'clock, the 5th season, the 25th hour. February 30th is the first I've heard, but that's a pretty good oddity to keep in my back pocket. If ever a guy asks me on a date and I want to reject him in a funny way, I'll say sure, but only on February 30th all right?
All jokes aside, I'm excited to go for maroon 5's concert tomorrow! That shall be the highlight of my weekend hehe
Annndd I'm super happy right now, I just got a confirmed upgrade to first class on both my flights to and back from Cancun...that's wayyy beyond my expectations! They changed the plane so there are more first class seats ^^
Life is pretty good for me now :D
Friday, October 07, 2016
time for that english song guitar cover ;)
Yep it's finally time for...wait for it....-drumrolls-
...the long-awaited English song guitar cover! -applause-
I've clearly been keeping all of you waiting a while for this, I haven't posted an english song cover in months, not since "All of Me" way back when. I just learned this song on the guitar last weekend (perks of being freer due to not traveling for work this week!), and I absolutely adore this song.
I sang it in a happy style rather than sad, mostly because I'm playing it at a faster tempo (and at a higher pitch) than the original song. It did make me happy to sing it haha, guess it would be different if I'm really head over heels in love the way Bella and Edward were. I also experimented with more harmonizing and a little fun improv humming at the end! :D
So I hereby present...A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, as sung and performed by yours truly! :D
p.s. Someone actually asked me who did the harmonizing - "Who's the person harmonizing with you it works so well 🙂"? The answer is - it's me myself and I! I recorded another harmonizing track over my guitar/song track, just because I love harmonizing to songs (just ask anyone who has gone to karaoke with me in recent years haha)...glad you guys are enjoying the harmonizing!
...the long-awaited English song guitar cover! -applause-
I've clearly been keeping all of you waiting a while for this, I haven't posted an english song cover in months, not since "All of Me" way back when. I just learned this song on the guitar last weekend (perks of being freer due to not traveling for work this week!), and I absolutely adore this song.
I sang it in a happy style rather than sad, mostly because I'm playing it at a faster tempo (and at a higher pitch) than the original song. It did make me happy to sing it haha, guess it would be different if I'm really head over heels in love the way Bella and Edward were. I also experimented with more harmonizing and a little fun improv humming at the end! :D
So I hereby present...A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, as sung and performed by yours truly! :D
p.s. Someone actually asked me who did the harmonizing - "Who's the person harmonizing with you it works so well 🙂"? The answer is - it's me myself and I! I recorded another harmonizing track over my guitar/song track, just because I love harmonizing to songs (just ask anyone who has gone to karaoke with me in recent years haha)...glad you guys are enjoying the harmonizing!
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Why is the real world so hard?
I can't even see what I'm writing right now.
My vision is constantly blurring up as my eyes tear up, and these salty liquid products of our eyes just keep flowing uncontrollably.
I know I felt bad the last time at work because I was put in a powerless position and cried afterwards, but this time it's worse. I was being ranted at by someone at the client who was totally out of line. He not only made me feel bad and powerless, he was being verbally abusive in tone and language.
I'm definitely a lightweight at this and I cried during the call and just never said anything. What could I have said?
I cried for the first time in front of my boss and my coworker and I felt so embarrassed and incompetent but I know it's not my fault - it's definitely the worst call I have been on. My boss talked to the big boss and he's going to file a complaint against that client - it's not the first time the guy's done it to others at work (within the client). I'm feeling vindicated but still I cry, I wonder why?
The big boss told me to just think of that guy as an idiot, and not take it to heart/don't think about it. I want to be strong, I'm acting like I'm really strong and happy but I'm really a softie inside, I really can't take insults and rejection and not being liked easily. In a way, this is my true experience of real world now - there are way too many idiots like him out there that I have to learn to deal with.
The big boss also told me how he would have dealt with it - he wouldn't have kept quiet. He would have stood up to him and said dude, knock it off. I don't appreciate the tone you're taking with me here. And if the guy continues, you can say I think we can stop here and just hang up. Then escalate to the big boss so he can handle it. It's nothing to do with you, it's him trying to talk big and he's really weak inside. If you don't say anything, he'll never know there's an issue.
So here I am sitting in the bathroom, the only place I know that has privacy and away from prying eyes. My tears have finally slowed, and I need to find time to get my wits back together and look normal again. Let me try on my smile again -grins widely-
Very nice. How about without those red watery eyes and stuffy nose?
-blows them out and wipe tears away-
Good. How about getting some water to replenish those tears, look outside at some trees, and get some snacks! Isn't it great to be alive, healthy and no one is shooting at you?
Think positive here. I know we hate the real world but it is the real world we live in. No don't let those tears fall again no!
My vision is constantly blurring up as my eyes tear up, and these salty liquid products of our eyes just keep flowing uncontrollably.
I know I felt bad the last time at work because I was put in a powerless position and cried afterwards, but this time it's worse. I was being ranted at by someone at the client who was totally out of line. He not only made me feel bad and powerless, he was being verbally abusive in tone and language.
I'm definitely a lightweight at this and I cried during the call and just never said anything. What could I have said?
I cried for the first time in front of my boss and my coworker and I felt so embarrassed and incompetent but I know it's not my fault - it's definitely the worst call I have been on. My boss talked to the big boss and he's going to file a complaint against that client - it's not the first time the guy's done it to others at work (within the client). I'm feeling vindicated but still I cry, I wonder why?
The big boss told me to just think of that guy as an idiot, and not take it to heart/don't think about it. I want to be strong, I'm acting like I'm really strong and happy but I'm really a softie inside, I really can't take insults and rejection and not being liked easily. In a way, this is my true experience of real world now - there are way too many idiots like him out there that I have to learn to deal with.
The big boss also told me how he would have dealt with it - he wouldn't have kept quiet. He would have stood up to him and said dude, knock it off. I don't appreciate the tone you're taking with me here. And if the guy continues, you can say I think we can stop here and just hang up. Then escalate to the big boss so he can handle it. It's nothing to do with you, it's him trying to talk big and he's really weak inside. If you don't say anything, he'll never know there's an issue.
So here I am sitting in the bathroom, the only place I know that has privacy and away from prying eyes. My tears have finally slowed, and I need to find time to get my wits back together and look normal again. Let me try on my smile again -grins widely-
Very nice. How about without those red watery eyes and stuffy nose?
-blows them out and wipe tears away-
Good. How about getting some water to replenish those tears, look outside at some trees, and get some snacks! Isn't it great to be alive, healthy and no one is shooting at you?
Think positive here. I know we hate the real world but it is the real world we live in. No don't let those tears fall again no!
Thursday, September 01, 2016
Helpless
for the first time in a long time, i feel helpless. 我真的无可奈何，又愤怒、又无能为力、只能一而再，再而三地回想起到底发生了什么事。我当时该做什么呢？现在到底又能做些什么，是否能改变那结果呢？
我真的太自以为是了，真的以为大家都会听信我的话。我真的太傻，太无知了。
I've been so stupid. I've been overconfident. I really thought that things would go just the way I wanted to because I had all this information in my hands..until someone else came in with "more information" that I had no idea about, so I couldn't do more research into it and speak up against it.
I got blindsided by someone and something I had no control over - which is so frustrating because my job is to be the advisor, the knowledgeable one with the expertise, the one with the influence and charm to get the right recommendation on the table. I can feel my Asianness coming through, my femaleness, my nice girlness, where I get scared with things I'm not sure about and refuse to speak up, and let others take control. I should have been DIFFERENT. How can I be different???
I couldn't believe how fast the whole decision unraveled on that one point, and I could only watch helplessly as the train went down the hill and I couldn't pull it back to go the way I wanted. Maybe I should learn to let it go, but I really don't want to!!
I really want to learn to be experienced and while I listen to others and take their advice, I want to be able to influence others to make the right decisions.
Was their decision correct? I don't know, somehow it feels kind of unfair and wrong, and I feel some regret but I don't know what else I could have done differently. I should have called my expert in who knows more, but by that time the decision and conversation was driven by someone else - not me. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't!
Even when things were in my favor I let someone else take control and change direction, I was the train driver and then I wasn't, I was thrown unceremoniously into the back of the train and someone else hijacked it. I had no backup plan. I never even thought about this situation occurring that I just sat there dumbfounded, letting others do whatever they wanted and I just sat back and went with the flow. It makes me so frustrated and pained and regretful that I'm so powerless in these decisions. What should I do from now?
How can I be different???
Upon further reflection, I realise that this is part and parcel of consultant life - we are always going to be outsiders no matter how ingrained we may become at the client. We never really have real control, so I need to learn to be persuasive and influential to get others to listen to me. I need real skills rather than believe that they'll listen to you just because they've always listened to you in the past...I need to be more assertive and speak up at the right moments and point out mistakes without coming across as presumptuous or aggressive. This is why consulting is so difficult...
我真的太自以为是了，真的以为大家都会听信我的话。我真的太傻，太无知了。
I've been so stupid. I've been overconfident. I really thought that things would go just the way I wanted to because I had all this information in my hands..until someone else came in with "more information" that I had no idea about, so I couldn't do more research into it and speak up against it.
I got blindsided by someone and something I had no control over - which is so frustrating because my job is to be the advisor, the knowledgeable one with the expertise, the one with the influence and charm to get the right recommendation on the table. I can feel my Asianness coming through, my femaleness, my nice girlness, where I get scared with things I'm not sure about and refuse to speak up, and let others take control. I should have been DIFFERENT. How can I be different???
I couldn't believe how fast the whole decision unraveled on that one point, and I could only watch helplessly as the train went down the hill and I couldn't pull it back to go the way I wanted. Maybe I should learn to let it go, but I really don't want to!!
I really want to learn to be experienced and while I listen to others and take their advice, I want to be able to influence others to make the right decisions.
Was their decision correct? I don't know, somehow it feels kind of unfair and wrong, and I feel some regret but I don't know what else I could have done differently. I should have called my expert in who knows more, but by that time the decision and conversation was driven by someone else - not me. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't!
Even when things were in my favor I let someone else take control and change direction, I was the train driver and then I wasn't, I was thrown unceremoniously into the back of the train and someone else hijacked it. I had no backup plan. I never even thought about this situation occurring that I just sat there dumbfounded, letting others do whatever they wanted and I just sat back and went with the flow. It makes me so frustrated and pained and regretful that I'm so powerless in these decisions. What should I do from now?
How can I be different???
Upon further reflection, I realise that this is part and parcel of consultant life - we are always going to be outsiders no matter how ingrained we may become at the client. We never really have real control, so I need to learn to be persuasive and influential to get others to listen to me. I need real skills rather than believe that they'll listen to you just because they've always listened to you in the past...I need to be more assertive and speak up at the right moments and point out mistakes without coming across as presumptuous or aggressive. This is why consulting is so difficult...
Monday, August 01, 2016
The Little Joys and Happiness of Life
I finally got around to putting together another guitar cover! I've been wanting to make a cover of this song for the longest time, it's called Xiao Xing Yun (A Little Happiness) by Hebe Tian! Yes I know, I know, yet another Chinese song...I'll be working on more english guitar covers after this, I promise!
Anyhow, this is such a beautiful and sorrowful song that I just had to do this cover playing the guitar. I made the guitar arrangement so it would sound soulful, exactly representing the lyrics, mood and feel of the song when I first heard it. Also, this time I did something different and added some harmony vocals, you'll notice it if you persevere to the back half ;)
i love making music so much, especially with singing! Guitar playing has definitely significantly improved my quality of life and happiness level - it fully complements singing so well!!
Anyhow, this is such a beautiful and sorrowful song that I just had to do this cover playing the guitar. I made the guitar arrangement so it would sound soulful, exactly representing the lyrics, mood and feel of the song when I first heard it. Also, this time I did something different and added some harmony vocals, you'll notice it if you persevere to the back half ;)
i love making music so much, especially with singing! Guitar playing has definitely significantly improved my quality of life and happiness level - it fully complements singing so well!!
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