my recent workout activity ^^

my dancing is awful, but going for this kpop dance class always challenges me and makes me sweat! and i definitely feel myself improving each class :D

p.s. the guy in the middle at the end is the instructor. he's so good right!

Being a better parent

Here's an article on how to answer children's questions without deceiving them, I think it's really helpful! Especially since I'll need to figure out how to say these in Chinese hahaha -
I want to make sure my kids speak Chinese at home, so I'll lead by example!

https://brightside.me/inspiration-family-and-kids/11-correct-answers-to-childrens-questions-that-always-stump-parents-330960/?utm_source=fb_brightside&utm_medium=fb_organic&utm_campaign=fb_gr_brightside

It reminds me of that time as a kid I pointed at a dwarf lady (who was around my height back then) and asked my mum super loudly, "为什么她那么矮?" The lady got super angry and started scolding me, saying "你怎么这么没有家教!"

I was so shocked and hurt by her scolding I started crying because I didn't like to be scolded (I still don't), and I figured I must have done something wrong. I was feeling traumatized for a long while after that, and till today I'll always remember that incident. Now I know how my mum should have taught me preemptively so I wouldn't have gotten scolded lol. And now I know I hurt that lady badly with my innocent question, which is why she retaliated with hurting me instead. As an adult, I'll have to learn to be more open to criticism and to innocent (but true) questions like that, so I won't be hurting kids, but rather educating them to be empathetic and kinder in their interactions.

Also, wherever you are lady, I'm sorry :( Please forgive a young child's thoughtlessness, and I hope you are living a happy life now.

P.S. I guess only kids will point out things that look different or don't make sense, which is why the truth actually gets revealed in the Emperor's New Clothes!

3rd time's the charm in Chicago

This is my 3rd time in Chicago, and I learned a lot more about it than I've ever had before. I saw the segregation of cultures and ethnicity - rich neighborhoods that were predominantly white everywhere you looked, with fancy shops and spas and massage and manicure places. 99% of the cars were beautifully washed, waxed and shined, gleaming in the sun oh so clean. And I definitely felt safe walking around here.

Then I also had the opportunity to walk through neighborhoods that were predominantly black, and it's unfortunate that the stereotypes hold true here - it's sketchy and I didn't feel as safe walking here, there were drunk ppl (at 7pm whaaatt) and drivers that don't stop for pedestrians! When we're crossing the road on a green light, the driver refused to stop for us and turned right cutting us off, and we had to stop for cars on multiple occasions when cars didn't stop at the stop sign. This is such a different experience for me here (compared to sf or other cities) and it honestly made me feel a little sad. Asians also mostly live in a few congregated neighborhoods like Chinatown or Vietnamese town or Korea town (or Chicago theater area)...

I guess this happens in many places in the world, but having it to this degree is a little of a surprise for me, since I thought of Chicago as a very diverse city. Another interesting observation - I walked through a protest downtown on Friday on the way to dinner; it was a protest on the US stance on Syria and was against a US war in Syria. Very interesting to see that this is an active city on politics as well - quite a mishmash of conservative midwestern culture vs open minded city folks.

I also encountered a few drunks this trip - once on an uberpool ride and once in a deep dish pizza restaurant. The uberpool ride was understandable since it was 11 on a Friday night. The drunk person was just repeating himself and stating the obvious very loudly (e.g. I'm not being dropped off here, can you give us a ride home! Oh yes? Thank you!!). His friend was high on something and was generally not responsive to questions - I was more uncomfortable about him actually but oh well, I'm against drugs that's probably why :/

However, we were at the pizza restaurant at 7pm on Saturday, and these three (white) guys next to us were already drunk! One of the guys made conversation with us in a very drunken way, asked some questions that can be construed as racist but being the Singaporean I am, I don't really get offended and was glad to correct their misconceptions and stereotypes of Asians. Also he seemed to think I'm from China even though I said Singapore. Oh well no surprise there, especially since he's drunk. And it was funny because he's 42 and has two kids, but he kept saying nice things to me (hitting on me?). He tried to get me and my guy friend to party at his hotel bar lol, no way we're going to go.

Also, I was happy because he said I was beautiful (at least 4 times - "man she is beautiful!", "It must be hard. It must be hard being so beautiful."), that I had such beautiful straight teeth, that I must be smarter than my guy friend, that I am an independent strong woman and my guy friend should learn from me hahaha. It was both offensive and sexist and a compliment at the same time. I very much enjoyed it ;) And it's mainly because my guy friend isn't portraying himself as confidently as I was; I wasn't deterred by these guys at all but he was visibly uncomfortable, so that made a difference. I guess I know how to play this American game now, how to look and talk confident so I can fit in :)

Now I'm leaving, and I'm glad I got to see the real Chicago this time. I also got to watch Hamilton the musical (yesss!!!) finally, a dream come true haha. I want to watch the musical again and close up on the front rows lol, if only it's not so $$$$...

A dream job?

I think I may have found something I want to work on if/when I move back home...I'm very inspired by NMP Kuik Shiao-Yin's recent COS speech to the Finance Minister in light of the recent lack of trust in government institutions. I looked her up and turns out she cofounded this "School of Thought" learning center: http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/kuik-shiao-yin-a-battle-for-singapores-spirit

"She explained that they would teach subjects in a new way, so as to spark empathy and social responsibility".

That's exactly what I'm passionate about, and what I want to teach the future and current generation as well! I'm super inspired right now, I want to find out if there are more people like her and more jobs like that, which can make positive change and impact back home. For the uninitiated, this is the video I was talking about, I was really impressed. Completely changed the way I saw Singapore's politics.

I wish more politicians are like her - have heart, empathy and listen to the people.
https://www.facebook.com/luvsgp/videos/383644652006348/

Tearful songs

I've been waiting to finally record another song since over a month ago - been itching to learn how to play this song on the guitar and sing to it. It's JJ Lin's Xiu Lian Ai Qing (Practice Love), one of my favorite songs from him. Absolutely love it!

When JJ was writing a song for his album back in 2013, his management wanted him to write about a secret. He decided to write about a girl - a childhood friend of his from secondary school days. She liked him back then, and would bring him breakfast every morning, and they would spend time composing songs together - he wrote the song and she wrote the lyrics. However, JJ never liked her back romantically, and she died in a plane crash right after. When the rescuers found her belongings, they found a photo of JJ in her wallet - it was the photo of himself that he had given to her. Her relatives then returned that photo to him.

This was a secret that he had buried since he was 16, because he didn't know how to deal with it then. Now he knew to write a song dedicated to her, which helped him move on.

Such a sad and emotional song, definitely worth a listen!



Also really like this song that my friend shared with me - it's such a great duet with the guitar, cello and violin!

Managing Unconscious Bias

I have been talking to a lot of people about this in Singapore - unconscious bias against women in the workplace, and how meritocracy has been covering up the existence of these biases. I am feeling very passionate about this, and I'm so glad that women are speaking up about this and gaining traction in the Bay Area. Let's try and bring this movement to Singapore as well!

To start off, make sure you read Susan Fowler's reflections and experience with sexism at Uber (it's in the link below), and the rest of the content. This might be the most important thing you'll ever read in your life, so you understand what your unconscious biases are and what your privileges are:

https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/reflecting-on-susan-fowlers-reflections-e2dccb374b47#.s5oenecyd

Then read what you can do about it:
- https://managingbias.fb.com/
- https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/how-do-i-ally-being-an-ally-to-women-in-technology-73b70fb86a98#.8b4muttuc

unbelievable!

I'm super excited - I'm headed back to Singapore in 5 days!! It's been a year since I've been home last, so I'm really looking forward to going home, meeting my friends and family and just taking a break from work haha.

I will be trying out Singapore Airlines' direct flight for the first time, so we'll see how that goes (15+ hours in economy huh...). I'm headed home as I'm bridesmaid (for the first time!) for my friends' wedding, so I'm really excited for the hen party and wedding day! Interestingly, I just found out that my cousin is also doing his ROM when I'm back, so I signed up to be there for his solemnisation too. This means I've got to bring a bunch of dresses and shoes and makeup back lol...I'm super happy for my cousin and my friends too! hehehe

Also, I found out my friend from DC is currently in KL and is looking to come to Singapore too, so I told him to come when I'm there so I can bring him around and eat lots of good food! I'm also much better at swimming now, so I'm looking forward to finally using the swimming pool back home haha. I'm also looking forward to some down time to myself and finally doing all those coursera classes I signed up for (e.g. korean, middle eastern politics, how to reason and argue, etc).

All in all, lots going on in the back half of my february, and I just can't wait! this is incredibly unbelievable!

on a side note, I brought home my second guitar as I'm anticipating that I'll be moving off the Denver project, so here they are! The Jasmine and Yamaha sisters ;)

On a side side note, I really liked La La Land so much that I'm watching it for the second time in the cinema with my roommate!! And I'm back into musicals now, so I just caught Fun Home last weekend, and will be watching Rent the musical tomorrow night. So inspired by La La Land haha. Then I'm taking my first salsa dance class on Tuesday, then kpop dance on wednesday, then it's time for home sweet home! :D

Definitely keeping myself busy eh?

This is water.

This may very well be the most important video I've seen in my life. It's only audio, and is the famous commencement speech by David Foster Wallace, "This is Water". All of you should listen to it when you get a chance:



Otherwise you can also read it in transcript form here: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf

I was so impressed by his eloquence and the way he showed the value of education in both abstract and concrete terms, with examples and analogies. This left an impact on me and codified what I actually have been learning and struggling to do myself in the past few years. I called it "empathy", that we need to learn to see things from others' perspectives and to think in their shoes, and hence act accordingly with kindness and respect. It was such a difficult thing to learn though, for people to truly internalize and do in their day-to-day lives. It was hard getting the point across without seeming patronizing or lecturing, and that's why I'm supremely amazed by how he did it so well without imposing his views on us. He gave his story, and we all learned a little something from there.

In his speech, he called it awareness, to choose consciously how to think and what to think, to be well adjusted and not see everything as being all about yourself.

I realize now his way of putting it is a lot more digestible, and easier for the bright-eyed, proud new graduates to understand. They wouldn't be able to understand empathy the way they can understand awareness from him, from the way his speech laid it out as a self-centric mechanism of being aware and thinking consciously of others. It really illustrates and teaches us what we need to do with our lives, with our day ins and day outs.

I'm so glad that my friend shared this with me. It really changes the way I think when I say things like "they should be better at communicating" or "they should be better at empathy and understanding each other!" when I watch shows like Terrace House. When I observe human interactions that I wholly disapprove of. I realise that the easier way to put it is that they have to be more conscious and aware of others, and put in the effort to choose to think different.

I also feel somewhat a connection to David, by the fact that he's been struggling with depression and in the end committed suicide in 2008 (a mere 3 years after this iconic speech). I've read somewhere that depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, while people who are not depressed are usually over-optimistic and over-confident about how they stand in the world (e.g. they all think they look above average...which can't be possible).

Having gone through depression before in my teens, I saw the world clearly for what it stood, but I could never really express what I meant until now. I've always been advocating empathy and kindness, but now I can point to an alternative approach - this is water.

Our most ambitious music video yet!

This has been in the planning for a few weeks, and finally we made it happen! It's our first semi-professional (attempt) at making a music video - here are some sneak preview shots:

Our emo shot at the Golden Canyon, which can also serve as our album cover (if we ever publish one)

My housemate and I were planning to visit Death Valley and decided that it would also be a perfect location for all these stunning scenery shots for our music video. Please pardon all our my awful attempts at looking like professionals (and failing terribly...); instead, gawk at how beautiful Death Valley is!

Jump Shot at Badwater (Salt Flats)

hehe that was the whole point, even if our singing was terrible and the video sucked, at least you get more amazing sceneries than the original MV offered hahaha.

Hope you'll enjoy this as much as we did in making it, and stay till the end for some behind-the-scenes bloopers!

my first experience with Death

I just heard the news from my parents that my grandma probably won't live past this Friday. She hasn't been doing well this past year - she was diagnosed with liver cancer last March and underwent surgery to cut out a portion of her liver and colon where it had spread to. She had to live with a stoma, and perhaps it's because of her age (she's 80) surgery created complications for her recovery. She had kidney failure so she needed dialysis three times a week, she kept getting infections and fevers so she would be admitted to the hospital for weeks at a time. Every time she's discharged she'll develop some other illness and had to be sent back to the hospital. My uncle and aunt put her in a hospice for a while but she had to go back to the hospital before long.

Finally, the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The only treatment is chemotherapy, but everyone agreed that she's not going to be able to take it. She's also been having low blood pressure because of the kidney dialysis, which means that blood may not be able to get to her heart or brain, i.e. her heart can stop anytime, she can go brain dead anytime. The doctor injected some medication for her to increase her blood pressure but it didn't work well and only gave her fainting spells.

Now, my grandma is in a comatose state, and hasn't been responsive since 12/23/16. My parents, uncle, aunt and the doctors have made the decision to stop her kidney dialysis so she won't suffer complications from low blood pressure. This is meant to end her suffering earlier rather than just keeping her alive with injections. This also means that there will be toxin buildup in my grandma's body, that her body will fail. That she will not live past the next few days.

I don't really know how I feel about this. Even though she's my grandma, I realized that I haven't been close to her at all - not during my childhood (I was in hk), not in my teens (my family didn't stay with her) nor in my adulthood (now that I'm in the us). She's just someone I visited every once in a few months, and got angpaos from during CNY. She had always been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember (she had a stroke in her 50s and couldn't walk properly since then), and she's always lived with my uncle or aunt. I got the feeling that my mum was never too close to her either, since my mum was often out working back in her youth, and then she moved out early on.

This is the first time a close relative of mine is dying, and with the very real implication of a funeral coming up. I feel compelled to take sick leave of bereavement (which I can) and fly back just for her funeral, and I'm willing to do that, though I never expected it would be so soon. My parents told me not to do that though, especially since I'm heading back next month. My mum said that my brother will represent me, and that she will get a funeral flower wreath on my brother's and my behalf.

I feel somewhat guilty that I never bothered to become closer to my grandma, that I never bothered to learn more about her and her life. That I was never interested in what she did, what she thought, what her life had been like, what wisdom she might be able to impart. She's always been there to smile at me awkwardly, ask me things about my work/whether I had a bf, and comment about the weather or a tv show. Never anything deep, never anything close. I don't feel sorry for not being closer, but I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel apathetic to your relatives, to someone you're not close to. I even feel some relief that I don't have to go for her funeral, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to cry for her.

I'm not sure how my mum feels about this. I've asked her several times if she's ok, and she always said that there's nothing to do about it, when ppl grow old this is what happens.

I know that the funeral is mainly for the ones who are left behind, so it's to support my mum, my uncle, and my aunt. Ppl who have cared and loved for my grandma and would need support at the time of her passing. When my mum says this, I always worry about whether I should still worry for her or not. It's all too confusing and foreign to me, and I honestly don't know what to do or feel. I am not a cold blooded animal, but sometimes I feel like I must be one if I don't feel for my grandma. All I feel is slight guilt, and pity for her. I worry about me growing old, and becoming like that. Suffering from poor health, not quite dead but dying? I'd hate it, I'd absolutely abhor it and I'd rather be dead. So I stop thinking about it and instead read books about assisted suicide, and how ppl choose to die rather than be a burden to their family and keep suffering in pain.

My thoughts are all a jumble right now, and the best I can do is to write this down, and then ignore it all. It's not going to be a momentous event to me when my grandma passes, but would it be if it's my mum? My dad? My brother?

Would I cry for them if it's them instead of my grandma? Why is it I don't miss them when I'm out here away from home, and when I do I mainly miss the cooking, the company, the comfort of having someone else to take care of me?

Am I really a cold person after all?

I wish my family had grown up closer and with more outward love and laughter, rather than expectations and pressure. I wish we could have been so close that it's normal to hug them and say I love them.

Is it possible to change this now? Do I even want to change this now?

Update 1/7/17 4.32am Singapore Time: my grandma has passed away, and the wake is being held starting this afternoon in Singapore in Marsiling, at the void deck of her old HDB home. I will not be attending, but in my heart I feel deeply for my grandma. I wish all the best for her, and I hope that she will finally find peace and be free of pain wherever she is now.

for comic relief hahaha

Merry Christmas folks! Here's our Christmas gift to all who are bored - I collaborated with my amazing housemate and friend to sing a duet cover of Jay Chou & A-Mei's Bu Gai - yes the one I recently just covered by myself, solo singing both parts. This time we did something quite different - we decided to experiment with having video to go with the audio, so we did a whole lip-syncing thing like pros do when they record MVs!

we even made sure to wear matching denim jackets -  since i was wearing blue with white on the inside, she wore white with blue on the inside! also, she's channeling her inner jay chou while i'm channelling my inner a-mei hahahaha...

...except it ended up being more comical than anything else, and what with all our mistakes (i.e. my housemate kept forgetting when she's supposed to sing and when not to lol)...it just became comic relief....

so here you go! something to keep you laughing for AT LEAST 4 min, and if you're anything like me, it will keep you laughing for 30 min hahaha (i am replaying the video at least 10 times...)




sorry we made this tragic love song look so happy T.T... at least we're different from every other cover out there!

bridesmaid dress + my first videos guitar covers

I just got my bridesmaid dress for next year's wedding!! it's so pretty haha, and I can't wait to live my life-long dream of being a bridesmaid :) my favorite part that I'm looking forward to is the gatecrash, where I get to get some $$ and torture haze the bridesgroom and his bros hehe.

For those who didn't know, I've been learning the guitar, and I bought a second guitar to leave in Colorado where I've been travelling to for work. I've been practising that second guitar (in peace and quiet), with no worries about my housemates hearing me practising/singing haha. I'm really shy about practising in front of people. Say hi to Jasmine the Second! (Jasmine the First is my original guitar if you haven't guessed...)

Last night I was practising back home, and I suddenly had the thought of recording myself playing. It would give me much better feedback to know how terribly I play and how funny I must look playing the guitar. It also helped me boost my confidence/be prepared playing in front of people if I'm recording myself playing haha. 

I realised it's really hard because usually I'm looking at my fingers either strumming or on the fretboard, but when I'm recording I had to make the effort to look at the camera (i.e. away from the guitar), and also look happier/not make stupid ugly faces...it's so difficult! Performing music is clearly so much more difficult than just practising by myself T.T

Look at my dumb face in the thumbnail hahaha!

I recorded this song way back when and I only had audio (if you all recall!), this time I got to record with my handy iphone haha. it's not my best rendition/playing, but please enjoy anyway!
This song was the first song I've ever learned on the guitar, and I have never recorded it (audio or video) before. I haven't played this song in the longest time, so please really pardon all my dumb mistakes and how awful it sounds T.T I swear there was a point in time when I could play this fluently!

Lastly, my favorite song these days to sing and play on the guitar!! there were a few funny mistakes in there haha but ignore them like I do, and all will be well in this world :)

a little singing by myself :)

ever since I heard this song, I've wanted to record this song. this song literally gave me shivers down my spine and goosebumps on my arms. it's so good, especially with two of my most-admired mandopop singers finally collaborating.

I once recorded another duet of Jay Chou's (Shan Hu Hai), but have since lost the recording with my old laptop when the hard drive crashed. maybe I'll re-record it one day...I love learning two-part duets and singing in both voices, especially with all the harmonizing. it's so fun!!

I'll probably be recording this song with my housemate (since we both love it), so I guess we can look forward to another rendition of this song, where it won't be all me, myself and I ...(aren't you already sick of my voice by now? I totally am by the time I get to 2/3 of the song...)

here it is - enjoy!

Not all that glitters is gold...

Ahah! What is today's post about? -drum rolls-

 Well, it's been a looong time since I last went shopping. So today I went shopping for the first time in Denver with my coworkers! They were shopping for a white elephant gift for our holiday party in SF this weekend, and since I've already bought my gift (on Amazon, duh!) I just walked around shopping. Didn't see any shoes or work clothes that were nice and cheap enough, but I chanced upon this rare find!

It's pretty isn't it? I was just telling my friend that years ago when I was still with my ex, we would talk about wedding ring designs and I'd say that it's so boring to have just an expensive diamond ring, I'd rather have one with multicolored gems on it! I actually forgot about it until seeing this today, and I thought whoa! I've got to get it! It's the first time I've seen an actual multicolored gemstone jewelry and that made me so happy and excited, plus it was discounted 75%, plus another 10% on top of it!! What a steal!

So yeah if any of you see me wearing these festive and pretty colored earrings, you'll know the story behind that hehe! ^^

 On a side note, I've been nominated by my firm for this award that I'll be applying for, it's essentially establishing me as a subject matter expert in supply chain and procurement, and I'm really not confident. The others who have been awarded before are all very experienced and have been doing this at least 10-20 more years than I have! But it's a great honor to even be considered, and no way I'm going to pass this great opportunity up. I'll try my best and see where this goes! I must say I'm really happy that I'm so well regarded by my company, and I really appreciate them promoting me this way :D

 Also, I've signed up for volunteering as a pro bono consultant, just attended orientation today. I'm also excited at how this pans out...

 Plus! I've signed up for swimming classes starting this week, I'm really proud of myself for finally doing it. no more fear of water and inefficient swimming for me! what with dance classes plus workouts plus dates plus travel everywhere, my life is really filling up!

Bored

Facebook messenger: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas gift card to buy a dress and then I go get home or not I'll let it be a nice guy and I don't know actually what he is going on to say about the time he is my favorite dimsum at Christmas dinner"

That's what happens when you type in "this year for Christmas I want" and you see what the results end up being...

 Text message: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas party to get to my house so I'll let it be a Christmas present next year lol I'm not looking at the snow anymore but I'm so happy I didn't get it out there lol I didn't know you was just the wrong guy to get a Christmas present from him and he didn't know it lol"

 I use too many lols in my texts!

Blog: This year for Christmas I want "to be friends and family to go get home or not I can go get to the party and go to sleep and I have no friends with me to go get to brunch or dinner at night time and dinner party and friends then friends and friends friends and are nice and friends with me and friends then friends with me from the other side of my room"

I see what's going on here. I like food, party and friends a little too much...especially to "go get" them! clearly I'm too bored.

lazy day

today is a lazy day to recover from the super busy day yesterday (brunch, tea then birthday party dinner and club/bar after). good to know i'm still doing well single and mingling ;)

i'm binge watching wongfu's youtube red videos series, "Single By 30", absolutely loving the two main characters. They're so beautiful together and have such great chemistry! I wish they're actually together in real life :(

my roommate and i absolutely loved this rendition of the main female lead's singing at the wedding in the series - i tube chopped it so you can enjoy the song :)





this made my day hahaha - when your average singaporean life becomes a korean drama xD https://www.facebook.com/sgag.sg/videos/1512638942084422/

I am liberated!!!

So....today I told the guy I like that I like him. Here's what I said:

"Can I tell you something? It's about us - I know you must have realized it by now, that I really like hanging out with you, I enjoy spending time with you, and that I like you...a lot. I know you're not looking for anything though, and that you don't want to start anything long distance, so I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, and I've decided to move on. I'm going to friend zone you, and we'll be cool as friends."

Then he said exactly what I expected - he's not looking for anything at this time. And if we hadn't met at this time, where he knows he's moving away to London, then maybe we can be possible. And I said gosh the right person but wrong time excuse!!

He also said that I'm a really cool person and that he really likes hanging out with me, and that he's sorry if he was sending mixed signals because he might have been doing that.

I said yeah I hate the uncertainty where we send mixed signals and lead each other on, I'd rather be upfront about it and honest with each other, and that's how we can be good friends. And I also mentioned that his friend was kind of sending signals to me but I figured the friend's just trying to matchmake us, not because he told the friend something about me...

When I said this: "Honestly, I've never felt happier with any other guy, not even with my previous bf", he went Aww and gave me a hug of sorts haha, and said he was very flattered.

Then I said , "I really don't want to let you go. But I'm going to let you go. And yes the friendzone does exist hahaha!!" He laughed at that :)

I reiterated that I don't want him to feel pressured, and that we can hang out some more as cool friends. I really don't want him to feel burdened by me liking him, especially when it's clear he likes me but definitely not enough to want to date me (esp not with the long distance!!)

I also told him that if I'm coming on too strong or anything, definitely let me know! Hahaha

So that's my first step to being a full fledged grown up, adult, someone who actually is upfront with her feelings and being really cool about it. Even I'm proud of myself for doing it, even though the delivery could be wayyy improved haha. I was so nervous that I just couldn't find the right time or opportunity to say it, and I kept wanting to chicken out or procrastinate it further! But I created the opportunity for it by asking him to walk with me to the bart/muni, and when I realised we were getting close I absolutely had to say it then!! So I did. I blundered through it and was kind of awkward (hopefully cute/funny awkward) but I warmed up to my lines. Thank goodness I've practiced these lines a few times beforehand so I don't screw them up hahaha.

And now, I truly feel liberated and relieved. I finally know exactly how he feels, no more second guessing or being tortured by mixed signals or being annoyed or frustrated by his lack of advancement. I've taken control of this relationship dynamic and now, I can truly move on and be friends with him. This is such a great learning experience for me haha. I'm super excited for the new me and for the upcoming days ahead!!!

P.s. And yes we made plans for dinner next week, and potentially brunch tmr...I probably will say no to brunch and I won't even bat an eyelid about it hahahaha! Because now I know that he likes me for who I am, as a friend with no expectations. So he's been asking me out because we are friends, and he won't stop asking me out just because he's "lost interest" in me the way other guys would when they like me. This means I can legitly hang out with him without any pressure yo!!

heartbroken

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2016/03/if-he-wanted-to-be-with-you-he-would-be-with-you/

"But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all. 

Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway? 

That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more."

#it'stheheartbreakingtruth

do i put up shields to protect myself?

Two days ago, a coworker told me this over drinks, that I always have a poker face on, that I'm not really showing who I am. He said it in a candid manner, but I realised that when he said poker face - he meant my smile and happy face. I definitely DON'T have a poker face, haha I fail at poker so terribly.

So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.

When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.

For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.

But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught,  and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).

Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?

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on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.

for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:

Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.

So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.

If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...

musings on upbringing - how I wish I was brought up

I read this article on facebook, and thought this is so true! definitely how I would want to raise my kids in the future - http://qz.com/644491/a-stanford-dean-on-adult-skills-every-18-year-old-should-have/

That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.

The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.

I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....

Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.

For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.