It’s happening tomorrow

Tomorrow we’re putting our dog down. Putting him to sleep, euthanasia, mercy killing. However people call it, it really means we’re ending his life. Ending our time together. Bruiser’s not happy anymore, he’s been suffering and in pain, so this is the kindest thing for us to do. To let him go and free him of the pain.

I don’t know how I’ll act or feel or react tomorrow - a part of me thinks I’ll be dry-eyed and calm - holding my emotions in without realizing it - I’m chilled by the thought. Another part of me thinks I’ll be crying hysterically and grieving from beginning to end - I also hate that thought. I don’t know which end of the spectrum I’ll be at, or somewhere in between, maybe holding in my tears until I can grieve in my own private way.

I already know I’m sad, because I’ve been crying so much and feeling worried, stressed, anxious, upset, and desperate about it all. I feel like I’ve gone through all 5 stages of grief, and have nothing left in me anymore. I’ve accepted it, yet I still feel hopeless and helplessly miserable, and can only hope this mental state is temporary.

I just need to remind myself that Bruiser has had a good life, and even though we’d no longer be together, he lives on in our hearts and memories. In our short time together, I’m glad I’ve captured memories in the form of pictures and videos of him. I will continue to reminisce over his many pictures for as long as I can.

I’ll forever be grateful to Bruiser, for he taught me how to love unconditionally, showing me that I could change my mind and feelings about a pet, if only it’s the right one. He taught me to be present and that my various mundane worries and stresses of the day can melt away if I just learn to enjoy the moment. He taught me how to play and cherish the little things in life, to treasure every morsel of food, to stop and sniff the roses grass every once in a while.

Most importantly, Bruiser taught me that caring for a dog could mean so much, that it could feel this strong, this special, and really change me as a person. It feels like how I’d imagine it would feel to become a parent and care for a child - that’s how life changing it felt to have Bruiser in my life. He’s more than a pet or a companion. He’s our special baby, and we’ll grieve his loss just like losing a part of the family.

What this dog means to me

I didn't realise how much our dog means to me until today.

I've never been a dog lover. In fact, I didn't like dogs, or any pets in general because of my parents - they didn't like dogs or pets because of the mess they'd make, with their smell and their fur going everywhere. That made me believe the same, thinking they make a mess, and I was afraid that dogs would bite me too. Prior to this dog, other dogs have only pounced on me and ripped off my shirt button (I was so scared), or jumped at me. They've never been calm and quiet the way our dog is.

I grew to love our dog Bruiser, this particular dog out of all the dogs in the world. He's special. He's like a cat, content to sit by your side and never asking for attention. He keeps to himself, grooms himself excessively and is such a quiet dog - until recently, he's never been prone to barking. His fur is so soft and furry and nice to touch and pet and cuddle. He's a Shiba Inu mix, we think the other half is a Pomeranian but we're not sure. He's like a real-life doge!

I didn't think I'd be so affected, I probably tried not to be so affected. He wasn't my dog to begin with - he's my bf's dog, so I didn't have to interact with him or take care of him. I was thinking logically, that all living things would pass, especially pets. I knew Bruiser was old, that he's turning 15 this year and dogs his size usually don't live past 16. He already had cancer last year with a prognosis of 6 months and survived it. I wasn't grieving last year even though he could have died then. It was because I was traveling for work and was often away from him; even in the short time I was home I didn't see him suffering or in pain. I didn't pay much attention to him or do anything for him, except the occasional walk or feeding him treats, or petting him. I didn't play with him much, and now I'm regretting it. I didn't do all that back then because I didn't care for the dog as much as I do now.

Because of COVID-19, I worked from home and started walking him more this year, feeding him, and playing with him a little. I started to love him more and more, and stopped caring as much about his dog smell or dirty paws or his constant shedding of fur, or even his pee and poop. I even enjoyed brushing him with my fingers and catching his fur, when before I didn't like touching him at all. This is what it feels like to love.

The me now wished I had played more with him, spent more time with him, and really did more for him when I could, but it's too late. He'll never go back to the way he was before, and I'll never go back to the way I was before (i.e. not caring), and all that's left is hurt, grief and pain. Why must love hurt so much?

Love means knowing when to let go. I don't know if I know when to let go or how to let go. I've been compartmentalizing regarding the dog and my feelings about him, but today I cried in front of my coworkers as I talked about my dog and how he's dying. I didn't expect to cry, and didn't expect how much it would hurt until I started all out bawling on the video call. Thank goodness it's a happy hour on Friday, and not a work work call!

I've never seen anyone, anything dying before my eyes like this. The worst thing was watching the dog deteriorate, become weaker and stop responding. He started refusing food, refusing to move. Watching the light drain out of his eyes, knowing he's in pain and suffering, while I'm helpless to do anything - that was the most painful thing to experience. That's the part I can't handle, because I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to deal with all this grief and helplessness and emotions that I almost wished I didn't have, so I don't have to be so lost in the quagmire of tears and embarrassment and heartache and avoidance.

I know this isn't the end yet, it's only the beginning. We found out that Bruiser has cancer again and this time it's worse, he might have only weeks left (or less). I don't know what to do, and this is probably how it feels like to truly care, to grieve, to love.

This isn't the last time I'll feel this way, it's probably going to be much worse next time I lose someone, because then it'll be my family, my loved ones. If any of you have gone through a loss of a loved one or a pet, I'd appreciate some thoughts or suggestions on how to deal with the grief.

P.S. What irony - I just read Option B two weeks ago, which was all about dealing with grief after losing someone, and I didn't feel it. I thought it was useful but not relevant for me...I wonder if it can help me now?

My First Pandemic / Recession as an Adult

Disclaimer: This is a long post ahead. I've had so many thoughts and reflections over the past 2 months on COVID-19, so I finally put "pen to paper" here. Thank you for reading on, and please reach out to me with your thoughts, suggestions, or anything really!
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As all of you well know, we are in the middle of a global pandemic right now, also known as COVID-19. When I was in Singapore for CNY earlier in Jan, COVID-19 was just starting to be a concern there and in Asia, but not so much in the US. When I flew to SF in early Feb, cases started to rise a lot more in Singapore (meaning cluster of 10+ cases a day) and I saw how Singapore mobilized and prepared its citizens for it, but somehow there wasn't as much fear or concern paid to it when I got back to SF. Interesting.

In the past 2 months, I got to see how my home country Singapore reacted to COVID-19, compared to my resident country the US, and what a stark contrast it was. I know it's a lot to do with politics, distributed government structure (federal vs state), the economy, individualistic culture, among other things. But in a global pandemic situation, everyone needs to play their part for each other, not just by state or by country, but working together as a whole world. It pains me to see so many people suffering and dying unnecessary deaths, when they wouldn't have died if the US had done things differently, earlier.

Still, I am grateful for everything I have - a loving bf, a home, a dog to play with, work that hasn't quite been affected just yet so I can work from home well, plus the freedom to still take walks outside and go grocery shopping. In the past 2 months, I've started focusing on setting up routines, picking up meditation again, cooking more, and re-connecting with friends and family through video chat.

Last week, however, things started changing for me. After talking with my friends, family, and a month of "shelter in place", I did a lot more introspection and self-reflection and came up with 4 realizations:

1. People's suffering has become personal
   
   In the past 2 months, logically I knew that the economy would be hard hit. All the workers in the restaurant, airline, travel industries -- essentially any service-oriented hospitality businesses -- would be laid off first. Gig economy workers who don't have benefits would also be hard hit. We saw the numbers come in -- 3.3 million people in the US applied for unemployment benefits in the first week alone, which was our highest ever record. They're expecting 40-50 million Americans to lose their jobs by the end of this. I feel bad for them. Still, it was a statistic to me - I stopped brooding on it and thought about gratitude and appreciation for what I have.
   
   Quickly, I started wondering about my own job -- I know my project is doing fine and would go on till July this year, but after that we might not have much client work. Some of our new projects are being put on hold and clients are likely to not start any new work with us, so I can see that my company would be hard hit in Q3 or Q4. Would we have layoffs this year? Would I be ok? In fact, raises and bonuses are coming next month, we are all thinking it would be affected because of what's ahead of us.
   
   Then I spoke with my friends around the world, and they have been anxious and worried about their jobs. Everyone is concerned about job insecurity, and those who own HDBs back home have been seeing their tenants ask for lower rent. The downstream impacts of this pandemic to the economy, to all of us, are happening sooner than I thought. Because they're my friends, their suffering has become personal to me, and it's no longer a statistic.
   
   It's been hard for me because I don't know how to help my friends or what to say to comfort them. I feel helpless, helpless, and that been the toughest part for me. Some of my coworkers have been telling me it's a matter of perspective -- we are much better off than other countries who don't even have running water and soap to wash their hands. We are still so young, it's going to be ok, we will find other jobs and we will get through this fine.
   
   I agree logically, but it's minimizing everyone's anxiety and feelings. My biggest realization was that this is our first recession as adults, so now we have financial obligations and responsibilities to worry about, like job security, rent, mortgages, etc. There has always been recessions, and there will be more recessions in the future, so taking this perspective does help somewhat. Still, it doesn't mean it gets easier every time we get hit with a recession, but it means we have to be resilient and prepared and most importantly -- realise it's not the end of the world. We're all in this together, and we shall weather through it together.
   
   I've decided that all I can do to help my friends is just listen and support them, and be there for each other.


2. Gratitude towards my parents, who sheltered me from financial worries and troubles
   
   With the thought that this is my first recession as an adult, I had another realization that I've been so sheltered and protected from these financial concerns since I was a kid. I never had to worry about the recessions in 1998 (HK financial crisis), 2000 (Dot com bubble), 2001 (9/11), 2003 (SARS) or 2008 financial crisis...the list goes on. So I felt super grateful and appreciative of my parents, because I knew they tried their best to protect me from these worries. They didn't want me to worry about money or their jobs or anything about the house.
   
   I know this isn't necessarily the right thing for parents to do, because they should prepare their kids to be financially independent and aware of recessions, so they know to invest and save and prepare ahead of time. Maybe if they had taught me about recessions and how they handled them, it would prepare me mentally and emotionally now, so I wouldn't feel as anxious. Or maybe it wouldn't have made any difference xD.
   
   Still, I know this is the Asian way of showing love. To me, it showed the true extent of my parents' love, so I'm really thankful and grateful to them for caring for me in this way. I reached out to them and checked in with them emotionally, which was really difficult for me because we never talk about feelings or emotions. I think my parents appreciated it, and I hope to continue to keep it up and provide them emotional support in the coming months as Singapore goes into shelter in place mode too.


3. Worried about inequity in relationships
   
   My 3rd realization was around my mindset towards "equal" responsibility distribution in relationships. My bf and I have been working from home and staying home 24/7 for the past month. While we have lived together for 1.5 years now, I'm usually traveling or in the office, or if I'm working from home my bf's usually in the office. We haven't really had to work from home together in the small 1 bedroom apartment we've got.
   
   Now, the working arrangement is that I'm using the one desk we have in the apartment (it's his), including his monitor and chair. He's been working on an uncomfortable chair at our dining table. Because I'm on calls and video calls so often, it's been hard for me to figure out a good way to present screens and talk at the same time, so we ended up agreeing that I should take the working desk. When we both have meetings, my bf is the one who moves to the bedroom to take calls. Again, it's because I have a lot more meetings all day, so he's willing to be the nomad in the house to find the quiet corner of the apartment. I felt bad for taking over his desk, chair, monitor, and everything, plus making him move for my meetings. Ugh.
   
   Let's compound that guilt with yet another one - cooking. He prefers that we cook, because it's healthier, tastier, and saves way more money. I agree, except it takes up a lot more time, and I don't have too much time/leeway/flexibility to be cooking during the work day. Very quickly, I realised that I have much longer working hours than my bf. I'm waking up earlier than him (7+ or 8 while he wakes at 9+). I was working till 7 while he was done earlier (or rather can take a break from work earlier). He has time to make breakfast in the morning, walk the dog, then make lunch or dinner, or heating up leftovers for me while I'm busy with work.
   
   I was ok with him doing that once or twice, as long as I could help out with cooking or making dinner the other times so it feels more equal. However, all last week I was super busy and he ended up being the one taking care of all the meals the whole week. I felt bad, guilty, and frustrated. If we were ordering in, I could order the food and take care of meals that way, but if it's cooking, I don't have the time to do that. It ends up being inequitable, where I'm not contributing to cooking or household chores, while he is doing everything. What's more, we're now using the dishwasher so I don't even need to wash the dishes. He's the one loading the dishes (because he cooked) and starting it up!
   
   I spoke to a few people about it, and they said there's no such thing as inequitable in a relationship. It's a partnership -- whoever is working less should help take care of the other person and vice versa. That's what a relationship means. I realised that my mindset has been influenced by my family's traditional values, where women took care of the household chores and cooking, whether they worked or not. I wanted to contribute equally but couldn't, and I felt bad for letting him take care of me all the time. I wouldn't have liked it if it was the reverse situation, where I had to do all the chores and he was busy working. Maybe that's why I felt so uncomfortable and frustrated. There's no good way around it, I'm doing to him what I wouldn't have wanted him to do to me -- and what men worldwide are doing to women - expecting them to work and take care of the house at the same time!
   
   This week I'm going to try to work less to help him out, or at least cook some on the weekends so I don't feel so bad. In the case where this situation persists, should I just let him cook and do everything? I don't think my bf minds as much that he's cooking, but I don't know how I should feel about this. Maybe I just need to change my mindset. Any suggestions?


4. Who do I choose to be during COVID-19?
   
   Some of you would have seen me post this on my FB, and I shared it with my coworkers, friends and family as well. While we feel helpless, like we have no choice in the pandemic and economic downturn, we do have a choice in our mindset and how we respond.
   
   
   
   
   I am in the learning zone, and have been touching the growth zone in parts. I know I have a long way to go, and a lot more to do to get to being fully present, fully appreciating what I have and who I have around me. It's interesting that I skipped the fear zone for the most part, because of my trusting and optimistic nature. I believe that the government would take care of us, and that we as a community can figure things out as we go. I am in a position of privilege, where I knew in the worst case, I can go back to Singapore and I know I'll be taken care of.
   
   I did read up about COVID-19, but not too much because I kindof knew how it was going to be like (from being in Singapore and knowing what SARS was like). I am also generally apathetic to politics and affairs of this sort xD, so I focused more on what we can do and learn in this time. My boss gave us homework to think about what are some goals we want to work on during this time, so that years from now we can look back and say - hey we did something meaningful during COVID-19!
   
   There are my personal goals for the coming months -- not sure how successful I'll be, but let's try! The best learning occurs in the process of striving...

• Keep up my reading goals (30/year)

• Meditate everyday

• Walk for 30min everyday (ideally outside, until we're not allowed to anymore)

• Cook more and eat healthier with more veggies (= spend less money)

• Track my spending, set budgets, and yes spend less money

• Continue volunteering as a mentor and being an emotional support for my mentee - maybe find more opportunities to volunteer elsewhere and help with COVID-19

• Support friends as all of us go through stages of anxiety and worry

• Check in on family everyday

• Spend more quality time with my bf and dog 

• Maybe find something I want to learn - and go learn it!

My first red packet of the year!

Wow I just received my first red packet of the year - it made me so so happy! I volunteer with this non-profit organization called Minds Matter as a mentor to low income high school students, and help them get into good colleges. My mentee graduated high school last year and started her first year at college, and today me and my co-mentor met up with her to catch up and chat about how she’s doing.

We’ve still been in touch over text and email and have been helping her with her college homework and other things. I could tell that she’s matured in the past year and learned to be more independent, learned how to figure things out on her own and had gained a lot more confidence. She’s becoming grown up, which was really amazing to see. I’m super happy for her, and felt like I’ve indeed made a positive impact on someone’s life.

Her mum came to pick her up after our lunch, and she was super thankful and grateful to us. We chatted and she told us how happy she was at her daughter’s growth, and that it couldn’t have been possible without us. As a first generation immigrant, she had no idea how to navigate the ins and outs of education here, and how to help her daughter with getting into a good college. I didn’t know she was so thankful for our help, so hearing this directly from her felt even more powerful. I was touched.

As we left, she gave us both red packets, as she’s Chinese and also celebrates Chinese New Year (or Lunar New Year as they call it here). I was really surprised, but also appreciated the gesture. It made me glad to have our efforts validated, and now I’ve got my first red packet of the year!

For actual Chinese New Year this year, I’ll be celebrating back home in Singapore. Yes I’m going home in a few weeks, and can’t wait to celebrate CNY with my extended family and relatives, for the first time in 4 years! Also, I’ll be bring my bf to CNY for the first time, so that will be exciting. Can’t wait to catch up with all my friends, and I’m really looking forward to it this year!

Project Complete! I'm finally satisfied...

Finally, I have completed the most ambitious and challenging song I’ve ever attempted. I almost wanted to give up so many times, chiding myself for being so foolish for attempting such a difficult song, but I persisted. I'm glad I'd believed in myself, in the power of brute force practicing, and that lack of rapping skills aside, I would blunder my way through it anyhow. Any guesses on what the song is?
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 -drumroll-
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Yes, I’ve recorded “Satisfied” by Angelica Schuyler from the musical Hamilton!

**Spoiler disclaimer: If you haven’t seen Hamilton yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t listen to this.

That said, why haven’t you seen Hamilton yet?? I highly encourage everyone to listen to the songs and watch Hamilton - in fact I enjoyed watching Hamilton far more after listening to all the songs (on repeat). It can be hard to understand if you’re not used to rapping and the accents and America’s history, so I recommend everyone to listen ahead of time to truly enjoy and appreciate Hamilton. 

It’s not much of a spoiler anyway since it’s a biographical / historical musical (in rap), though I’ve looked up Hamilton’s fact vs fiction, and the story in “Satisfied” seems to be fictional and imagined based on writer's creative license. Not sure if that matters to anyone, so if you don’t mind being spoiled, please go ahead and press play!**

It’s the most challenging but also the most fun song I’ve ever made. It’s my favorite song in Hamilton and one of my favorite musical songs ever, and I’ve been thinking about recording this song for a while. I started on it back in August and September, and gave up so many times...until these few weeks I decided to really push through and finish it. I’m so proud of the end product in the end, though everytime I listen to it I wince inwardly at all the mistakes I made or parts where I didn’t quite sing on pitch or catch the beat right. Still, I know it will always have a special place in my heart.

To make this song work, I had to stitch together multiple tracks - it ended up being 5 different tracks! Each track took so much time to edit and move around and refine just so they would all work together...I had one for the instrumental music, one for the chorus, one for Angelica’s part, one for Eliza’s part and one for Hamilton’s! And if you didn't realise, I sang all the parts by Angelica, Eliza AND Hamilton xD.

Recording this was my most time consuming project yet...and my oh my, it was a lot of fun pretending to be Hamilton, Eliza and Angelica. I guess the actress in me really enjoyed it (haha I was in drama club in elementary school, definitely loved acting as a kid! I probably still do...)

Anyhow, keep listening on to the second half of the song if you want to hear how I sound like pretending to be a guy xD. It was such a challenge to act with your voice while singing and rapping, then lowering it so it’s like Hamilton’s, then singing higher so it’s like Eliza’s, then wittier to sound like Angelica’s. Haha I tried my best, please excuse how funny it ended up being 😂

It’s also one of the most difficult songs to sing because of how high it got, how much power you needed to sing while being out of breath, and at the same time figuring out when you actually should catch a breath so you don’t die with the next 8 counts of rap or singing! The rapping was so fast at times, I could barely catch the right beat, and oftentimes Angelica sings a little off-beat too, leading faster or going slower at different parts. When I finally caught the beat, I then lost the melody; when I caught the melody I then lost the rhythm; I also kept stumbling over the words or going too fast or too slow or mispronouncing them. My mouth and tongue were definitely tired out from saying so many words so quickly!

I also couldn’t switch between singing and rapping so seamlessly, I was just not used to it. It was a whole new skill set I had to figure out...haha I felt like I had to level up, it was crazy hard! You know what it’s like, trying out tongue twisters and not quite getting it, and then practicing over and over again until you’re tired out and still not quite getting it right?

Yeah, that’s how it felt the whole time I was practicing and recording the song...and I was never any good at tongue twisters anyway. I also didn’t listen to or attempt to rap growing up, so it’s a whole new level of challenge for me.

I know I sound terrible compared to the original singers, so I am very impressed with how well those Broadway singers sing and rap and act and dance continuously - it’s so impossible to do all of them at the same time perfectly! I can only imagine how much time and effort they’ve put into it, the hours and hours of practicing the songs just to get it to that perfect level of quality.

Frankly, it was intimidating taking on this song, but I find the end result incredibly beautiful. I now appreciate much more how hard this song was, and that the Hamilton tickets were totally worth the price of admission 😂, given so many high level difficulty songs. It’s not just the melody and singing, it was how fast and slowly you have to rap, and memorizing those thousands of words!!

Anyhow, let me know your thoughts on the song, and whether you liked my rapping! I personally think my rapping was terrible but if you liked it, I can do more rapping songs xD I’ll take suggestions!

LIfe is fleeting

Last night, my mum gave me a call out of the blue. I don't usually get calls from her, especially since I've just called her last weekend, but I thought maybe she missed me or there was something she wanted to ask me.

My mum started making small talk for 5 minutes, and asked if I've had dinner, what time it was over here, and whether I was home or not yet, etc. Then she said in a very strange way, in a way that I found odd and funny and somehow it all made me want to laugh, "You are coming home next year for Chinese New Year right, to see relatives and have dinner reunion together...it seems like you'll have one less relative to see." Then she stopped.

And I went, "What?? What happened! Who was it??"

She told me an uncle of mine had died last night, on a vacation trip in Japan. I was in shock and couldn't believe my ears. He was my favorite uncle and he seemed so healthy and happy the last time I saw him. That he died so suddenly was shocking to all of us.

I asked for more details, and it turned out he was in an onsen and the official cause of death was drowning. Given that he's 79, I'm guessing he probably lost consciousness because of the hot water in the onsen, and then drowned without anyone realising.

Did he die alone? Were his friends around? Was he surrounded only by strangers? He probably died naked and alone, which seemed so sad and lonely, yet ironically it is the way all of us came into the world. I remember in elementary school, a friend of mine used to say, "We come into this world crying, while others around us smile. We then leave this world smiling, while others around us cry." In a way, it was a painless way to go, and he was probably in a good mood given it's a vacation and all, but it's so shocking and saddening for us.  I kept ruminating over the situation, the scenario, how it could have happened, how did it happen?

He was supposed to come home today, he was on a group tour so there should have been other people with him. Why didn't anyone notice? I just went to South Korea and did the hot springs/onsen experience as well, and I kept thinking back to how it was like in there. If someone was suffering or drowning, would I have seen it? Could I have missed out on someone dying in there?

And the hard realisation hits - yes I wouldn't have noticed it. There were multiple baths, and everyone kept to themselves and avoided paying attention to each other (since we're all naked). The only way I could have noticed was if they were sharing the same baths with me and were a few feet away.

I feel this ache in my heart, this sad grief, which I couldn't make sense of as I didn't know this uncle that well. I didn't cry or feel grief for my grandmother when she passed, because I didn't know her well. I remember posting about it then, and wondered if I was so cold-blooded I couldn't even cry for my own family.

Then suddenly, somehow, I started to cry, because I remembered how good my uncle was to me. He's the most gentle person I've known, always smiling, always happy and beaming. I've heard he's stubborn and old-fashioned, and was not on good terms with one of his sons, but he's nothing but kind to me everytime I saw him. He used to drive SBS (the public bus) and we knew him fondly as the SBS uncle, and he'd retired a few years ago. I wished he had more years to enjoy retirement life.

The last time I saw him was Chinese New Year 2016. It's been more than 3 years. I haven't seen most of my relatives for that long as well, and I used to see them every few months, some of them every month. Suddenly being isolated from my big family made me feel sad and alone.

I realised I was crying because I felt helpless to help him, to help others like him, to help my family back home. I'm too far away and there's nothing I can do. I'm thinking for my poor aunt, she must have been so terrified and wracked with guilt since she couldn't be with him. I hope she doesn't blame herself, it really isn't her fault. It was an accident that no one could have anticipated.

I started feverishly looking up onsen deaths and the hazards of hot baths, especially for the elderly. I know even for me, I've had harrowing experiences with hot springs. I love sitting in the hot springs, and once a few years ago in Colorado, I lost track of time in there and nearly fainted. I stood up and blood rushed away from my head and I blacked out, I was dizzy and couldn't see, couldn't breathe properly. Heart pumping furiously, I had to lie down outside the baths and just breathe for quite a while before I could see again. I probably sat in the baths for 30+ minutes - and they say you cannot sit in there for more than 20 minutes.

Even at the hot springs in South Korea recently, I felt my heart pumping harder and it was difficult to breathe after a few minutes in the baths, especially since I was going a few minutes at a time in each bath. I think after 15 minutes total across a few baths, I had to get out and rest for a while in a cold shower, it was definitely a little too much to be in there for too long.

It seems like there's a lot of advisory against elderly, people with heart attack risk, high blood pressure, etc. going into the baths. In fact, this article suggests that we shouldn't be in the baths for more than 10 minutes, and definitely not under influence of alcohol.
https://blogs.wsj.com/japanrealtime/2016/01/22/deaths-from-drowning-in-bathtubs-up-70-in-10-years-report/

Friends, be sure to tell your parents and elderly relatives, to stay aware of how you feel in the baths. While it may be relaxing and easy to lose track of time, take care of your health, especially if you have certain health conditions that make you susceptible to fainting in hot baths. I really don't wish this sort of tragedy to happen to anyone.

My uncle's sudden death really hit it home for me, that we never know when we'll last see someone. Life is fleeting - treasure the people you care about.

About family - I want to communicate better

Like most Asian families, my family is conflict avoidant, so we never talk about anything deep or contentious. We are also bad with expressing feelings to each other. While I have some resentment with the way they used to try to control me, I think I’m getting to a point where I can be at peace with it.

They still want to play a role in my life, still be a parent to me, still have some say in decision making, some control. But they also recognize I’m an adult and can make my own choices now, which I really appreciate. I think things are getting better, though we’re still not talking about the things that matter.

I really have to remind myself, next time I feel triggered or controlled or frustrated:

• Breathe and count to 5
• Remember they love you, and this is how they express love
• Remember they need to feel loved and needed, so I should recognize it and tell them that I love them, that they are good parents. Validate them and appreciate them, so then they will listen to why you don’t want to do what they’re saying (e.g, I know you love me, you’re worried about me and care about me, so you want to protect me. However I am an adult and prefer doing it this way, so I hope you’ll respect that. Remember that I love you, and you’re still a good parent in my eyes)
• Set expectations and boundaries for what is ok for them to say or do vs not (e.g, that’s not ok to say, I feel hurt, I know you want me to do this but that’s not ok with me)
• Let them know what a successful parent means - it doesn’t mean they can help or do anything for me, all I want is for them to be there for me and support me through my choices, that’s good enough. I want them to trust me 

Now I need to figure out HOW exactly to say all this in Chinese, while not being triggered lol. And that’s not even the hardest part - it would be getting over my own discomfort and awkwardness of addressing this head on, when all our lives we’ve lived by the philosophy of keeping up harmony by avoiding hard topics.

Friends, if you’ve done this before with your loved ones, definitely let me know! Would love to get some pro tips on difficult conversations with family, plus points if it’s in Chinese 😉

I’ve changed?

I realised I’ve changed over the years, and especially by being with my bf. I didn’t notice it until I hung out with my parents for 2 days in Busan. I used to be super talkative and attention-seeking with them, almost needy of their attention. This was back when I was in primary and secondary school, though bits of it still showed up even up to two or three years ago.

I distinctly remember my dad chiding me multiple times that I should calm down or talk less, there’s no need to get excited about stuff. But this time being with them, I’m happy and excited but a lot more detached, like I no longer need their attention or validation. Whatever they say is up to them and it’s their prerogative, almost nothing to do with me. I just let their comments slide off my back, and I’ve become less talkative. I’m mostly listening to my parents chat and talk to me, and ask me questions.

I’ve become pensive, calm and quiet...just like my bf! I don’t know if it’s to do with being an independent adult and understanding that my parents don’t have to affect my demeanor and identity and thoughts, or if it’s to do with being with a calm person like my bf. It could also be to do with my getting used to working with older, calm adults at work too, and learning to take on some of that. Maybe an element of detachment and knowing it’s only for 2 days makes it easier for me to not revert to my old self too. I have no idea, but either way I very much prefer the way I am now.

It definitely seems like I’ve changed, though my core is still that excitable, talkative self (as my bf and other close friends very well know).

Here's How I Twisted My Ankle, Again

I'm in South Korea for vacation right now - I was in Jeju and was caught in the middle of Typhoon Tapah. That meant there was a lot of heavy rain and strong winds, so we didn't do too much and stayed in the city. For the one day where we had beautiful weather, we went hiking the famous Hallasan in Jeju. We didn't have too much time so we hiked the Yeongsil trail up, which reached halfway up the mountain and not to the summit (which would take twice as long). We then took the Eorimok trail back down for scenic forest views, and took a total of 4+ hours or so with around 2000feet elevation gain.

This was a really beautiful and lovely hike, it's hands down one of my favorite hikes in the world! Even with the fog, it was amazing, and I think the fog made the hike even more mesmerizing and incredible. It made me appreciate the blue, green and greys I saw through the mist so much more, as the fog shifted.

As it turned out, the hiking trail was very rocky on the way down, and I was telling my bf that we should be careful. Most injuries happen on the way down as ppl let their guard down, and also they're more tired. I felt my left ankle almost twist a few times as I was hiking on the rocky parts, so I was being extra careful there, and kept stretching my ankle and foot. I have an old injury on my left ankle, where I've sprained it twice before back during my track and field / cross country running days. I knew it's easy to hurt the weak ankle again...

But alas. it's exactly as I said. I let my guard down, I was tired, I was distracted as I was talking to my bf about a blister that might be forming on his foot, and I was leaning over to look at his foot and then of course, it happened. 

It wasn't at a rocky part. Nope.

It could have happened here:

Or here:

But no, of course it was a completely FLAT boardwalk. How ironic is that?

This was how it looked like. It was on a step down, and I landed on the outside of my foot and my ankle twisted outwards (as my foot turned inwards). Because it was flat, I wasn't paying attention to how I was my foot was landing. I actually heard a pop/crack sound that was really loud, and I'd never heard it before. It was scary, and also very painful. 

I sat on the ground for a while to let the pain subside, before I tested my weight on the foot again. We still had a long way to go down the mountain, another hour and a half's worth, on a sprained ankle. I quickly realised that if the ground was flat, I could walk quite ok by limping and putting more weight on my right foot, and also landing on the right part of my left foot. 

However, most of the hike down was on rocks, which were at all sorts of sharp angles. So I then realised that if I tiptoed on the balls of my left foot, it kept my weight off the ankle and I could move without hurting it. That was the hardest thing to do; I was also going downhill so gravity was doing its work on me. My calves were really tired from hiking down, and my right leg was shaking so badly as I leaned on it. 

It was very tiring, really tough for me to get down the mountain that way. It was also getting dark, we had to keep moving so we wouldn't be stuck in the dark AND in the fog, and we were super hungry too. Being cold, hungry (read: hangry) and hurt definitely wasn't the best combination.

Eventually we made it back down, before sunset. I'm really grateful for my bf being there for me, waiting for me patiently and carrying my stuff. He had offered his arm / shoulder for support, but I didn't really use it as it was treacherous footing on the rocks and only slowed both of us down to try and walk together. It made a difference to know I wasn't alone, that I had someone to lean on in hard times. Because of this situation, I realised that he's exactly the kind of guy I would want to be by my side if I were ever stuck on a mountain or an island without help. It made me appreciate him in a whole other way :)

So let's take stock: it's been 2 days since the ankle twisting, I'm still walking around but with less weight on my left foot. My ankle area is swollen and bruised, but today it seems to be a little better than the day before. In the pictures here, you can kind of see the bruising and how the left ankle is more swollen than the other foot.

So we'll see, I'm hoping for a full recovery in a week or two so I can get back to normal walking, and then dancing again soon! In the meantime, we're in Busan so I'll try to take it easy and not walk too much. >.>

I’ve still got it ^^

It’s been a fun trip in Seoul so far - feeling like a tourist at times, feeling like a local at times. The things that stood out most to me are eating lots of good food, wearing a hanbok and feeling like a celebrity, and oh guess what? I also got hit on by a guy at hongdae, which was super flattering. I was walking out of the train station and was checking on my phone where to go for dinner, all the while listening to a podcast with earphones in - and this guy started walking beside me and talking to me in Korean. I didn’t notice him until a few seconds in, then I was like oh who’s this guy talking to me in Korean? Is he looking to sell something to me?

Then as we continued talking, it dawned on me that he might just be making conversation...to hit on me? Wow was this guy really hitting on me? I wasn’t sure but I was feeling super flattered by it haha. I haven’t been picked up on the streets before in my life, only in clubs/bars, so this was a once in a lifetime experience for me lol. It’s also been a few years since a guy’s asked me out in person (off the dating apps), so I almost forgot how it felt like.

He asked me in Korean what I was doing in hongdae, and I was like shaking my head and asking him if he could speak English. He then said in English ,”A little bit”, and repeated his question in English. He then said his English is like a baby’s. It’s not too bad though, he understood me for the most part. 

I told him I was there for vacation. He then asked me where I’m from (China?), and I said Singapore. He’s like ahh. He then said he’d like to meet good people (meaning me), then asked me if I’d like to get a coffee or drink. I realised at this point that yes he’s absolutely hitting on me and asking me out, so I used the one korean phrase I know - Namja chingu isseo yo! Meaning I have a boyfriend 😬. He then looked disappointed and sheepish at the same time, kind of embarrassed that he’s asked me out. I could tell he was feeling awkward and didn’t know how to back away from this convo, so I was like thank you though, I’m super happy you talked to me, it’s nice to make friends! He then kindof recovered and asked when I’m leaving Seoul, and I was like tmr lol.

Then I asked him - I’m curious, why did you want to talk to me? He said oh it’s because I want to meet good people. I guess that’s his go-to line, or his English was really limited to that...

We made a little bit more conversation after that as I walked to my hotel, and I asked him if he’s a student. He said he used to work as a teacher but is planning to go to graduate school. He doesn’t know what he’s going to study yet though. We used google translate for a bit where he typed in korean at super fast speeds on my phone (omg I can’t type that fast in korean!!). It was impressive seeing how a young local types in Korean on the phone haha.

Anyhow, he looked like he’s younger than me, but was also rather good looking. Maybe I would have taken him up on his offer if I were single haha. We then parted ways and I wished him best of luck.

I guess korean guys are more aggressive in picking up girls than I thought. I’m super happy that this guy picked me out of a crowd of all these beautiful korean girls, who were dressed to the nines with full on makeup and hair done nicely, whereas I was looking so aloof with earphones on and all, and I was not dressed up or wearing makeup at all that day. I was in my most comfy T-shirt and shorts as it was a sauna and massage day, yet ironically that’s the one day I got hit on xD. I felt super amused by this young-looking guy who’s trying to hit on me (technically an older woman, but he probably couldn’t tell by how I looked). It was all around amusing and hilarious, and at the same time flattering.

He’s probably just on the lookout for decent looking girls who were walking alone. Hongdae is also one of the most popular and hip spots for young ppl to hang out at, and hence a great spot for picking up girls. Either way, that made my night, and probably was the most memorable highlight of the trip for me so far xD. Definitely a confidence booster, nice to know I’ve still got it! 😊

Next Up...I'll Fall for You

This is a guitar song cover that I've been wanting to do for years...it was one of the few English songs I've always loved and felt a strong emotional connection with. I didn't even realise it came out in 2008, I thought it was earlier! I can't quite remember how I first heard this song, but probably a friend recommended it, and I ended up falling in love with it.

Something about the way Secondhand Serenade sings with the guitar and piano chords strum my heartstrings as well. Again, I played the acoustic guitar and sang both melody and harmony here. I switched up the title page so there's variety across my videos...I really need some suggestions people!

I’m noticing a pattern in the songs I’m covering - they’re both about falling in love! The next song I’m thinking of (it’s a chinese song) will also have falling and love in it, so stay tuned!

Back from a 2-year Musical Hiatus!

Hello friends! After 2 years of not recording any music or guitar covers, I'm back!

I chose Can't Help Falling in Love by Kina Grannis (originally sung by Elvia Presley) as my return song. I first heard it performed by Kina Grannis in Crazy Rich Asians during the wedding scene, and decided there and then that I've got to learn this song on the guitar. I didn't realise that this was an old song dating back to 1961, but clearly it's such a beautiful and endearing classic that it's being covered again by many folks.

I sang both the main song and harmonization, accompanied by my (not great) playing on the acoustic guitar. My style in playing this song was more free-flowing without keeping to the rhythm/beat, mostly improvising based on how I felt with the music. I'm really excited to be making music covers again, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did making it!


The long-awaited return of my guitar covers, are you ready for it?

- Drumroll -

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Here we go!



Also, I'm taking suggestions on what picture / video I should include with my music covers. Should it be something like a cute cat chasing a dog? 😂😂

My supermodel doppelgänger

Over the course of my (relatively short) life, I’ve been thought to look Chinese, Japanese, and more recently, Korean. Rarely does anyone think I look Singaporean (or if they do, they haven’t told me haha).

Earlier this year, a friend saw this magazine cover in NYC and sent me the picture, exclaiming, “This looks just like you!!”

Wow. I guess this is how I’d look like if I were a skinny supermodel with lots of makeup and platinum blonde hair. Wait, is this how I’d look like with blonde hair? Should I do it? 🤔

As it turns out, this model is Korean-American, she’s called Park Soo Joo, and she graduated from UC Berkeley in Architecture!!! Guess we’re all Cal bears 😊

Hm these days ppl seem to think I look like really attractive Korean celebrities. Is that legit, or they’re just exaggerating in their flattery?

On a side note, I’m feeling pretty inspired these days to record song covers again. I know I’ve been on a hiatus of almost 2 years and haven’t been recording, but I’m picking it up again and found 5 songs I want to really do this year! So stay tuned, more to come soon!

What is Modern Art?

A coworker recommended that I check out this coursera course on Modern Art, and it got me so excited! I've been wanting to learn more about what modern art really is, and how to better appreciate it, especially since we've got an SFMOMA membership and I've been going more frequently. It would be nice to understand and interpret the artwork better.

As it turns out, a lot of the information is found on the MoMA website from NYC, and this stood out to me:

Challenging the notion that art must realistically depict the world, some artists experimented with the expressive use of color, non-traditional materials, and new techniques and mediums. Among these new mediums was photography, whose invention in 1839 offered radical possibilities for depicting and interpreting the world. MoMA collects work made after 1880, when the atmosphere was ripe for avant-garde artists to take their work in new, surprising, and modern directions.

This is the essence of modern art. That it doesn't have to follow traditional notions that art must depict the world as is, but instead can be whatever the artist wants to create. Hence, it really lets imagination take flight, and that's why I like modern art better than traditional art in a way. It can express freedom and convey emotions, it can be counterculture and make a statement about society.

I took a look through Van Gogh's The Starry Night reading and interpretation, and I gained such newfound appreciation for it. I've seen the painting before multiple times, both in person and online, but did not understand the inspiration and meaning of the art until now. Now I understand why he painted it with such thick paint and turmoil of brushstrokes. I didn't even notice the steeple and village houses in the middle ground, or the mountains in the distance. I also didn't realise that the tree in the foreground is a cypress tree, which depicts a connection between Earth and Sky (and thus connects the living and the dead; cypress trees also signify death and are commonly found in graveyards).

Van Gogh once wrote, “Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France?

Just as we take a train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star. We cannot get to a star while we are alive any more than we can take the train when we are dead. So to me it seems possible that cholera, tuberculosis and cancer are the celestial means of locomotion. Just as steamboats, buses and railways are the terrestrial means.

To die quietly of old age would be to go there on foot.”

That’s so beautiful, right? I’d like to see life and death the way he saw it, expressed through his painting.

It's also interesting that so many famous artists struggle with mental instability. It's almost like the expression of madness makes their art great; or perhaps it's the pursuit of artistic creativity that drives them mad. I recently read a book by Esme Wang called "The Collected Schizophrenias", and it dove into her life of living with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. It was very enlightening, and helped me gain perspective and truly feel for what it means to struggle with madness. I can understand the helplessness and lack of control over what our brains think or do, and the struggle with what people deemed as normalcy vs insanity. As I read more books like that, it also helps me gain context in interpreting modern art - I now have deeper appreciation for these artists' works.

Now that I've learned a few things about modern art pieces, I no longer think of modern art is arbitrary or facetious, or "easy to make". I remember my first encounter with modern art - I saw a painting in LA's MOMA 9 years ago, and it just had a blue circle, yellow triangle, and red square on a white canvas. I thought "what, this can be put up in a famous museum?? I could paint that".

Instead of taking such work lightly, I'm going to strive to look deeper into the art (and perhaps look inward?), to feel a connection with the artist, and to appreciate the emotions evoked inside me. Not everything needs to be interpreted, or to be understood directly.

Jewel

JJ just released a new single!! It’s really good, and it’s also filmed at Singapore’s new attraction at Changi Airport - the Jewel! It’s the largest indoor waterfall in the world, and my oh my, it’s so breathtakingly beautiful...

Guess I finally know how it looks like, and can’t wait to see it in person. Also, watching the music video made me cry, tears flowing from both eyes! It’s the first time I’ve cried watching an mv like that, so it must really mean something...

Something about seeing Singapore creating newer and greater things, plus seeing Christopher Lee age so much that I can barely recognize him, plus the moving story about love that’s not meant to be...just a triple whammy on my heartstrings. Guess there’s always a soft spot in my heart for Singapore and sad love songs...and of course JJ’s wonderful music!

Happy Birthday to Me

It’s almost my birthday - it already is my birthday in Singapore time and will be soon in SF time. I’m not too excited beyond the fact that my bf will be taking me out to dinner somewhere (it’s a surprise) and I just saw that he has a 2pm pickup on his google calendar (it shows up on our shared google home!). I guess I’ll wait and see how it turns out tmr, if the pickup is for my birthday or not (Cake? Gift? Flowers?)

Which reminds me that his birthday is coming up so I need to plan what to get him besides dinner! I’m getting kindof lazy and uninspired these days, so feel free to send me any suggestions!

Also, I got to celebrate this past weekend with my friends - we went hiking and they took me to a Thai place for dinner. This Thai place is known for singing birthday songs super loudly and obnoxiously; just when you think they’re done, they go on to sing it all over again, and again! They also bang cymbals and drums and tambourines to draw as much attention to you as possible, which was super embarrassing for me. But it was all around fun haha.

My coworkers also know it’s my birthday so I think they’ll be singing me a birthday song, maybe we’ll do some drinks to celebrate. Otherwise it’ll be pretty uneventful lol.

Oh and I recently came across the news that my favorite Taiwanese singer Rainie Yang just got engaged!! I’m super happy for her, I’ve been following her for so long since my childhood days, and she didn’t seem like she was going to get married anytime soon so I gave up on any wedding news...until now! It’s nice to see celebrities getting married, reminds me that they have their own lives too outside of the spotlight. I’m glad they’re so good to fans and tell us right away!

Warning - this is in chinese:

https://www.businesstimes.cn/articles-271298-20190711-4419157433.htm

Throwback to my youth - Fish Leong

Fish Leong just released a new album! It took her 7 years to finally release another album - her last one came out in 2012!



I like her new album - it resonates with me and is her usual romantic love song style, with more mature and nostalgic lyrics. It's a lot about looking back over her past 20 years since her debut (wow I can't believe it's already been 20 years!). Her songs were the popular hits I used to listen to as a teen, and it's amazing she's still going strong even as I've become an adult. I hope she continues to be active as a singer, I want my kids to listen to her (and learn chinese this way too!)

You can listen to her songs here: https://open.spotify.com/album/13EgeVmtvcqQIdJJix6QzM (if you use spotify, otherwise try youtube or other channels!)

Here's one of my favorite songs from the album (慢冷Slow to Cool Down), take a quick listen if you don't want to listen to her whole album! It's amazing she still looks so young...I hope to be like her, remain youthful even when I'm 41 years old with kids! (fingers crossed, asian genes!)

Something incredible happened

Something incredible just happened this week. I heard from my Managing Director that I got promoted from Associate to Senior Associate. I couldn't believe my ears, I was so dazed. I don't think I've ever been this blindsided by good news before. I didn't know what to say and just kept saying thank you, and in the back of my mind, I was feeling elated and incredibly under-qualified and at the same time, feeling enormous guilt.

And here's why.

It's a historic moment - I'm the first female at our firm to be promoted to Senior Associate from entry-level analyst, and so quickly - in 4 years and 9 months. That means it only took me 2 years to be promoted from Associate to Senior Associate, and it usually takes most other people 3-5 years to be promoted, and even then, most don't get promoted. They stay at Associate for a long while and they leave before they get promoted, or they joined as an experienced hire as an Associate and don't get promoted.

And for context, it took me 2 years and 9 months to be promoted from Analyst to Associate, so this promotion is really fast in the career progression at our firm. It's amazing, fascinating, and unbelievable. I can't believe it.

This promotion is really just a title change though, since my compensation and bonus isn't really jumping that much (compared to Analyst to Associate), so it's more like a typical compensation increase from year to year.

As for why I feel under-qualified - a Senior Associate means a manager role. A lead role. I don't feel ready for either of that. I have no experience managing people, and I am doing my first lead role now which has only me myself and I, and already I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have enough guidance, coaching or mentorship from others at my firm. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to do, and asking people stuff, and trying to delegate work where possible. I know I'll eventually figure it out, but how long do I need to fake it till I make it? I think it will take me at least another 2 years to figure out how to be a manager properly, and have some experience leading teams / projects with multiple people on it.

That leads me to the last point - my enormous guilt. I have been feeling jaded and burned out with my current role as a consultant, and didn't gain much pleasure or enjoyment from the work. I'm 5 years into consulting, which is much longer than others in the industry / in my company; most people leave after 2 or 3 years. I'm looking for a change, I want to try something different / new, and I want to work with consistent teams and focus on a product that I can push/grow, and I don't want to travel as much anymore. I have gotten used to being local and building a routine around it, with good sleep and dance classes and spending time with my bf.

Thus I have been reflecting on my work / life goals, and am trying to find ways to combine my passion with work. Based on my understanding of who I am, my personality type and interests, I enjoy volunteering and helping others be successful (whether it's getting into college, or getting that promotion at work). So I'm looking into doing something in the education space, or health and wellness (meditation? coaching?) space, maybe in tech. Eventually, I might want to become a coach, or a therapist, since I really enjoy helping other people and empowering others directly, and not so much helping rich companies get richer.

There is this Japanese concept of ikigai https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikigai that I'm using as a framework to figure out what I want to pursue in my next years. This neat little graphic sums it up - I'm looking for something closer to ikigai, the intersection of what I love to do, what I'm good at, what the world needs, and what I can get paid for. That would be meaningful work that won't feel like work!

But short of finding ikigai, I'm hoping to do something that's closer to a mission and passion that also makes $$. Also, my bf recommended this site to me, this might be helpful for you all in figuring out the right career path for you: https://80000hours.org/career-guide/

When should I really make the move then, now that I'm being re-affirmed in my current role?

Two articles on depression and parents

These two articles really resonate with me, and I hope they’re interesting for you too.

The first article helped me understand and distinguish depression from sadness. It’s a good reminder for times when I’m feeling sad / depressed so I’ll know the difference. Seems like it’s time to slow down and really look inwards, really introspect.

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-depression/?

Another article on being angry with my parents that I totally resonate with...I’m not sure I’ll ever do this but it’s good to know how if I’m ever ready to:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-being-angry-with-a-parent/

Happy Mother’s Day 2019

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

This year, I decided to deviate from the norm and get my mum paper flowers instead of fresh flowers for Mother’s Day! I hope that my mum will appreciate them. I saw these potted orchid flowers by my friend Miss Petal and Bloom and I just loved them! Plus these flowers will last longer so maybe I’ll get to see them when I go back next year. I always felt a little sad that I’ll never get to see the fresh flowers my mum got from me every time I send them to her.

Here’s a picture from the website, you should definitely check out her other flowers too! She does weddings and flower making workshops among other things.

Here’s the mother’s day note I wrote for my mum, hope it’s not too cheesy xD

亲爱的妈咪，

母亲节快乐！今年女儿送的花比往年特别，是胡姬花、像妈咪一样漂亮高贵。这盆花也不会凋谢、好让妈咪长久的保留着。这样妈咪想念女儿的时候，就可以看着我送的胡姬花而感到欣慰。希望下次我回家的时候，我们能一起欣赏这美丽盛开的花朵。

我人虽在美国、但依然会想念你跟爸爸。希望你们继续健康快乐、青春永驻！

女儿沈约彤上