How to Be a Great Parent (Person?)

Here's a great (but wordy) article I read about how to respect your child when you disagree, teach them empathy and problem solving skills. Summary is that kids want to make things work with us, they haven't build up the skills to listen, understand our perspectives, and come up with solutions. So they just say "No!" and throw a tantrum. We need to teach them these skills, or they'll turn out to think that only with power can they make other people do what they want (instead of influence, problem solving, and other emotionally intelligent skills).

As I read this, I realised it totally works for us adults too - how we can use the same exact words and skills with our coworkers, our partners, our parents...guess we still act like a child sometimes when it comes to getting what we want. I'm going to try practicing these skills more!

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2019/02/fantastic-parent/

Here are the important points for me from the article, that I'll likely refer to over and over:

Step 1: Empathy 

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.

“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”

E.g., “I’ve noticed we’ve been having some difficulty when it’s time to do your homework. What’s up?”

Be calm and gentle. This isn’t an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, “I don’t know” or silence. That’s okay. Frankly, the kid probably doesn’t know. They probably haven’t thought that much about it. It’s okay. Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify.

And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.

Step 2: Define The Problem

The “Defining the problem” step is when your needs enter into the equation.

“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)

Calm and gentle. Avoid the word “you” because it’s going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word “I” and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people’s perspectives. 

Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Let’s build some more skills.

Step 3: The Invitation

Don't solve the problem for them!!

“I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”

This teaches them to take other people’s feelings into consideration when problem-solving — which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands. Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn’t just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you’re interested in their ideas.

Step 3.5: Follow-Up (I created this title as a separation haha)

In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:

1. It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
2. It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.

For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. That’s understandable, these are skills to be learned. So let’s start teaching — but not by lecturing. Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. Don’t say, “That’s a terrible idea.” There are no bad solutions here, only ones that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.

“Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.” 

And let them try again. They’re learning to think about others’ feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you’re done for now. They’ll be more likely to follow through because it’s their solution.

You’ll know you’re making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it’s more realistic or more mutually satisfying. In fact, it’s good if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that you’re both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if it’s truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until it’s been tried.

Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So don’t expect immediate miracles. Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders.

Reflections on Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year you all! Quick disclaimer: this post will be kind of depressing, but I’m sure most of you can relate. I’d really appreciate it if you can reach out to me and let me know how you deal with this; any suggestions or advice would be helpful.

 ———————

It’s Chinese New Year again, and I’m feeling conflicted and torn about it. Usually I feel homesick during this time of the year, because I think about all the happy and fun festivities of CNY back home and kind of miss it.

Growing up, it used to be the best time of the year for me - you get two days off, but really you’re celebrating for 15 days (and the preparation and anticipation leading up to it makes it feel more like one month!) It’s like Christmas for us, but way better, it’s fun with all the best and yummiest food and goodies and bakkwa and pineapple tarts! It’s reunion and time with family and people I love, it’s getting actual money (not just gifts) and it’s buying new clothes and shoes and playing happy music and the beginnings of spring and celebration! It’s at the start of the year but after we’ve had a month or so of school, so we get something to look forward to, to get over back-to-school blues.

But now I feel like it’s something I’ve grown apart from, that I’m no longer quite Chinese or Singaporean, but a lot more Americanized. I had the sudden realization that I missed talking in Chinese, missed listening and singing along to the Chinese New Year songs, and that my kids are going to lose a lot of this Chinese culture and experience. And it’s because I’m making a life choice to move away from my Chinese and Singaporean identity. My kids are not going to learn the CNY songs or all the customs or the Chinese legends / myths and festivals because of me.

I feel lost, like I don’t belong back home or here. I feel like I’m losing my language, culture, identity, and I don’t know what to do in life anymore. How do I recreate my life compass and identities? It makes me afraid to think that I’m losing something I’ve always been holding on to as a child - in fact I probably already have - and now where do I begin? Where do I go from here?

I know it’s part of growing up and realizing that I want something more individualistic and not quite what I’d been taught to believe in as a child, but this is a difficult struggle. How do all of you deal with your clashing of ideals and values, of past present and future, of things taught of old vs what you’re discovering for yourself now? There are things I don’t like about CNY now, and I feel sad about it. It’s things like how my relatives will always be asking the same two questions (at a minimum) - When are you moving home? When are you getting married?

If I don’t have a boyfriend, they’ll ask why don’t you have a boyfriend? Like it’s a crime to be single and happy. As though it’s my moral obligation and filial duty to be married and have kids and keep all my family’s mind at ease. I bristle at the thought of defining success so narrowly, that we have to be following this ladder of success - college, job, marriage, house, kids - in order to be considered “happy” and “successful”. Anything that deviates from this path is considered a failure, that you’re not filial or doing what needs to be done to make your family happy. Perhaps it made sense in the past, when family units were the best way to survive and do well in society, but now there are so many other ways of living and thriving! I just want to rebel and go against all these expectations, and question the assumptions behind them, whenever my relatives ask during CNY.

But no, I don’t engage in this fight, I just let it slide. I smile and make peace and say yeah no boyfriend yet, or yeah I have a bf but not married yet, or yeah maybe I’ll move back in a few years. I nod and smile and let things go.

There are other questions that hurt more sometimes, such as “you’ve grown fat/bigger!” I think the reason I’ve started to avoid going home for CNY is to avoid dealing with awkward questions like that - how do you respond to opinions/advice/judgment from your relatives, that are really passed off as rhetorical questions? I don’t really want to go home just to be judged for who I am, or what I do. But maybe that’s what family is about - you owe it to yourself and to them to explain who you are, that it’s ok for me to be different, that I can be happier the way I am.

I’m lucky that I’m not so different from the expected social norms...I shudder to imagine what some of my friends have to deal with given that they’re walking the less trodden path.

In the US, I’ve seen funny thanksgiving commercials where relatives argue over contentious issues like religion or political beliefs, but somehow those sort of things don’t hurt me personally. Only things that my family and relatives say about me can make me feel insecure, because they’re attacking my identity and self-image directly, and I do care about their opinion of me. I guess people here also have to deal with judgment from relatives too, and it’s not a unique issue to me - everyone grows up and changes who they are over time.

I’d love to hear what all your thoughts are, how you’ve dealt with your struggles, maybe how you’re dealing with them even now. I don’t want to lose my family ties and closeness to my relatives - maybe I just need to have thicker skin and not be as affected by what others say or think. I think I’m getting stronger now, and that I’d be emotionally and mentally ready for Chinese New Year next year.

What do you all think?

Thought-Provoking Books

I just finished "Tuesdays with Morrie" for the second time - the last time I read it was probably when I was 13 or 14, so I don't remember too much of it. Also, I figured that having matured over the years and rereading it as an adult would give me a vastly different understanding of the book, what with all my experiences of love and loss and responsibility. I took screenshots of a few very interesting quotes that I saved in an album, talking about death, meaning in life, detaching from emotions, marriage, and overall mindset. I'm sharing them below (scroll all the way down) so you can let me know your thoughts on them.

The book made me cry (again)...guess I'm an emotional person on these things.

On Meaning in Life

On Emotions

On Detaching from Emotions

On Giving

On Marriage

I'm also reading "Playing Big" for our company's women's initiative network group, and we're reading a few chapters at a time and discussing it. The most recent chapters I read (Chapter 5 through 7) are about women developing a "good student" mindset and habits when we were younger. We were rewarded for following the rules and obeying authority, so we become afraid to think bold and go beyond our boundaries in our adult life. This holds us back from challenging authority and making real change in this world, especially since so many of the "rules" and "boundaries" were created by men, for men. It's something I agree with, and her thoughts on how we can develop other skills that help us become good leaders and play bigger, are all interesting for me.

As I read the book, it's prompted me to think about my long-term career move. I've distilled it down to the following "criteria":
- I want to do something that helps other people on an individual, relationship level
- I also want to have a flexible work schedule, where I can define my time and take care of my kids in the future, without being forced to stick to a 9-5 work schedule (or a boss, though I'm fine with a boss)
- Makes some money so I can support the family/kids I want to have in the future
- Perhaps I could move back to Singapore, or maybe stay in the US, or work from anywhere so I can be in Asia closer to home

So here are some thoughts, nothing concrete as yet - I'm jotting them down so you guys can give me some ideas. I am passionate about women and education, so perhaps something in that area (nonprofit?). I'm also passionate about teaching and helping others, but I don't want to be a teacher. I'm thinking of becoming a coach, or maybe counselor/mentor/therapist.

Coaching is the path I'm most inclined towards now, since it has lower barriers to entry and if I figure out I don't like it, I haven't wasted as much time/$$. It doesn't require as much training or education, and you can also make a living part-time (without sticking to a 9-5 workday). It also depends on the type of coach I want to be; an executive coach makes a lot more money compared to a personal coach or leadership coach. I'm also thinking I could run workshops on coaching, on being an ally to targets of oppression, on mindset/meaning in life, or other related workshops...

My boss introduced his friend who's an executive coach to me, so I'll be chatting with him more about this. Hopefully he can help me figure out if that's the right path for me, if it's a good fit for me.

Bittersweet Christmas

I haven’t really been on social media much these days, it’s like I’ve grown out of them or have just lost interest in posting on fb, on my blog, or even stalking what other ppl are doing or saying on fb. My bf was just telling me that I got tagged on some photo on fb, so finally today, on Christmas Day, I went onto fb and looked through my feed.

Interestingly, within the top 10 posts, a third of them were about people getting married or engaged. I guess Christmas time is the time for people to put a ring on it! And I’d forgotten, but I saw a mutual friend’s post about my ex’s wedding in Singapore. He posted 5 group photos, with my ex and his now wife, at their wedding. I’d blogged about it once before, in January when I first learned that they were getting married, and the bittersweet feelings I had. So I wasn’t surprised, but I felt incredibly drawn to everything that had happened at their wedding.

I became somewhat obsessed, like I wanted to see, stalk, experience everything, so I went to my ex’s page and kept scrolling through all the friends’ posts, all the wedding photos, the music, the friends’ trips in Singapore. I couldn’t stop, and all the while I felt pretty neutral about it, quite happy for them too. But I think I’m just lying to myself, hiding away the negative feelings I have, which I’m about to tell you about.

I kept coming up with stories like - oh I’m sure they picked a Chinese song to play here, oh his mum must have planned all this part and made him do it, or oh all the primary school classmates probably thought it was so romantic that they’d stay in touch and end up getting married almost 20 years later. I realised I started feeling lonely, nostalgic, sad, lost, and like I didn’t matter. That people have all these stories and they’ve moved on with their idyllic life and I don’t matter anymore. I was telling myself all these stories, because somehow I wanted to make myself matter, like I’m important in this narrative, that I too, deserve a happily ever after. I was scared that I’ve been left behind, and would never have a happily ever after.

Then I thought, I don’t want to want a happily ever after! It’s a romantic ideal that isn’t even real. I know that weddings are just a show of happiness, doesn’t mean that everything’s perfect. In fact, no relationship is ever perfect. But a part of me just wanted to hold on to the romantic ideals - of a beautiful wedding, marriage, kids, loving husband who showers me with gifts and appreciation all the time, and the realistic part of me knows it’s not going to be all rosy. I know it’s too much to ask of a person to do everything romantic you want, all the romantic gestures. That I’m attributing way too much importance to all that. I should focus on what’s real, the little things that matter, that show our love for each other.

I started beating myself over it, berating myself - come on grow up! You know there are no happily ever afters in this world, life is not a fairytale story. I started an internal fight with myself, just different selves with different perspectives trying to convince each other of their truth, and coming to the climactic explosion of realization that - we will never be ok with this. We will always be struggling against what we’ve internalized as romance and love ideals, versus the very real lives we live in. So all of it doesn’t really matter. I just need to let go of these expectations and emotions and live in my present moment. And that’s enough.

But I’m just sad. I’m mourning, grieving the loss of my little girl self, the little girl who wanted to live like a princess, have a prince that would carry her to safety, the ideals of marriage and romance and things that society and books and tv shows and movies and the Internet and your parents and school and even your peers, constantly reinforce. This idyllic version of love and romance, doesn’t exist. So I just had a tough time this morning letting it go, and I don’t think I’ll ever completely let it go. Maybe as I grow wiser and older and more mature, this gets easier. But we’ll see.

I’ll be sure to tell my little girls that they should live life the way they believe is right, and not to live by these expectations that were created as part of romantic ideals. They should create their own romance, and not follow what everybody else says.

Sorry for this depressing post on Christmas Day. I hope everyone else is having much happier thoughts than me today, and not struggling with internal expectations and wanting to grow up without going through all the pain that’s necessary to make us stronger...and yes, merry Christmas to you too.

Parting ways with my longest roommate

I’m moving out, and moving on from yet another stage of my life. Yet another accelerated growth journey, moving on from another special roommate (also the longest one that I’ve had - 2 years and 8 months!!). Oh how I’ve grown. And it only makes me realise how much more I have to go!

Guess I’m done with the exploration phase in my life. Now it’s time to introspect and focus on the things that matter to me, and the person I love. I’m looking forward to the journey ahead 😊

Just published!

Hurray! My second article of the year (third article ever) just published! It’s a collaboration between me and my long-time manager / boss who is a subject matter expert in cloud infrastructure and is really good at this. I know it’s a lot of gibberish to most people, but I’m excited enough to want to post about it. Feel free to check it out and ask me questions anytime 😊

https://www.ciodive.com/news/enterprise-cultural-shifts-required-for-successful-cloud-adoption/532476/

How to be a good parent

I’ve been collecting all sorts of articles and books on how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, how to be good parents, how to help children succeed etc. I haven’t really posted any of them so I thought I’d do something different today and post some, especially since I have more friends who are having babies now or thinking about having babies.

I was brought up in a traditional asian household with what John Gottman would call “disapproving parents”, who disapproved of negative emotions and curbed any expression of emotions from us. I definitely want to be a better parent and raise my kids differently from the way I was brought up, especially since I’m so lucky to have access to all these amazing books and advice out there. I’m surprised to see that John Gottman did research not just on successful relationships and how to make them last, but also looked at parenting and how to raise kids with emotional intelligence! This is absolutely wonderful, he’s my new Esther Perel 😍.

I hope these articles are a good start for you, and let me know your thoughts!

How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids according to John Gottman - https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/09/emotionally-intelligent-kids/

How to be a Better Parent according to Adam Grant - https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2016/01/how-to-be-a-better-parent-2

Birthday thoughts

Here I am, sitting on the plane, popping wasabi peas into my mouth and finally having a moment to myself to reflect and think. I just celebrated my birthday last weekend and up till yesterday - it feels like a super prolonged birthday celebration. In fact, it probably is the longest amount of time over which my friends have been celebrating my birthday!

This year, I feel really loved, surrounded by a bunch of amazing people who care for me. They gave me cards, gifts, birthday cakes, took me out to dinner, and even put on the most public display of a birthday celebration I’ve ever had (and probably will ever have)! My friend played my favorite La La Land medley on the piano at the Flower Piano event at the botanical gardens, and proceeded to get everyone to sing a birthday song for me. I was embarrassed and stunned and happy at the same time! Definitely the most memorable birthday celebration ever.

I also feel infinitely lucky and grateful for all the people in my life today, whether they’ve celebrated my birthday or not. As I told a friend, birthdays don’t mean much to me - it’s just another day - but it’s a day for my friends to celebrate me if they want to, to commemorate our friendship and reaffirm their love for me. I’ve stopped feeling as embarrassed or self-conscious about it, and started recognizing it as a day for people to do something special for me. If it makes everyone happy, why should I make things awkward by being shy about it? To me, the best way to thank my friends and show my appreciation is to enjoy the moment and be happy with the attention.

I also thanked my mum on my birthday, because this is the day she suffered the most while giving birth to me, all those years ago. Thank you mummy, if not for you and all your sacrifices, I wouldn’t be here today.

I’ve been having a really hectic life these days, with barely any time to catch a breather for myself. I’m perennially sleep-deprived, and somehow keeping up work and friends and social life and family and dating is becoming a tough juggling act. Oh and not forgetting my goal of reading 2.5 books a month, and volunteering and writing cloud articles and recruiting and everything else...I’ll really need to prioritize things in my life so I won’t get burned out. I think it’s also because it’s been a year since I last took a proper vacation, so I’m starting to feel the strain of life on me.

I was reading more of Tiny Beautiful Things, and found this quote to be so true for me. It’s been resonating with me and I thought I’d share it as part of my birthday thoughts:

What do you do when you don’t know what to do about something? 

I talk to Mr Sugar and my friends. I make lists. I attempt to analyze the situation from the perspective of my “best” self — the one that’s generous, reasonable, forgiving, bighearted, and grateful. I think really hard about what I’ll wish I did a year from now. I map out the consequences of the various actions I could take. I ask what my motivations are, whst my desires are, what my fears are, what I have to lose, and what I have to gain. I move toward the light, even if it’s a hard direction in which to move. I trust myself. I keep the faith. I mess up sometimes.

Wondering how long before I succumb to tears

I’m reading this book called Tiny Beautiful Things which is a compilation of letters by Cheryl Strayed, written when she was writing as the Dear Sugar columnist. I just read the first two stories and this book already had me tearing up. It’s overwhelmed me with the fierce force of a hurricane, inundating me with a torrent of sorrow and emotions and raw pain that I can feel with her words, as she painted story after story of struggle and terrible things and helplessness, and how she helped them stand back up again.

An excerpt of the story that made me want to weep - this is about a woman who had lost her baby girl 6 months into her pregnancy. She had called it a miscarriage, but did that really count as a miscarriage? To me, it seemed more like a premature baby that died, that she had given birth to a baby and lost her without even getting the chance to know her.

Here’s what Sugar wrote that resonated with me so much, that I couldn't help letting these tears well up:

 “You will never stop loving your daughter. You will never forget her. You will always know her name. But she will always be dead. Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with silence or push it away with words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing — the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change — is entirely and absolutely up to you.” 

This is such a good book - it’s rendered me so emotionally helpless and vulnerable that it feels therapeutic. That now I look with fresh eyes upon the world I live in and just can’t believe how lucky I am to be alive and healthy and loved and cared for, that my troubles simply pale in comparison.

I wonder how long before I succumb to this deluge of emotions, giving in to my tears as I read this book.

Microaggressions

Following my last post on diversity training, I came across this article on microaggressions/unconscious biases at work and thought it's worth sharing - take a read through and let me know your thoughts!

http://www.businessinsider.com/microaggression-unconscious-bias-at-work-2018-6

nonsense dreams and diversity training update

I had a dream last night that I was in an earthquake for over 2 minutes, the whole world was shaking constantly and I just stood there thinking, oh let me go to the balcony - there's open space. So I did, but when the shaking just didn't stop, I decided to walk outside and through a tiny alleyway and went to find friends. Eventually the shaking stopped but the dream went on - we came back through the tiny alleyway and we were testing every stair, brick and wall that we were passing by, just to make sure none of the walls or steps were going to collapse on us.

Then we came back to the apartment, which turned out to be an Airbnb I was staying at (no idea where I was, but it feels like Chicago), and then it turned out that the Airbnb host was a friend of mine! So if I had known, I could have just crashed at his place for free instead of paying him through Airbnb! Then I was rationalizing that there was an opportunity cost for him so it's still better that I paid him, though we could have gone without the Airbnb fees.

Anyhow, it's all an illogical dream. It's almost impossible for the earthquake to be shaking for so long with no damage to any buildings at all. So I woke up from my dream and realised it's all a dream, and went back to sleep.

This depicts my confusion upon awakening from the dream.

On a side note, I'm feeling kind of tired and haven't been sleeping well these days - like I'm fighting a flu bug. Maybe I am falling sick :(

For those of you who were wondering what happened with the Ally Skills training for my company two Fridays ago, it went better than I had expected. I was quite worried that there would be a lot more pushback, that more people would be challenging the trainer at training, but as it turned out most of the senior management were supportive and only one or two middle-management folks raised concerns or were passive aggressive in addressing the trainer. While I was happy with the way it turned out, I asked more folks after the training on their thoughts - and I realised quickly that the older senior /middle management folks were not bought in and were questioning Diversity 101. They didn't think there were certain biases or issues that exist - really that's something only privileged people would say because by definition, they don't experience the short end of the stick there.

Those folks were questioning the context and were rules-lawyering (e.g., what if there's this one case in that one instance where this doesn't happen instead?), and were saying I don't do this, in fact I avoid biases and treat everyone equally / fairly so I'm all well and good! Well....the issue isn't about them, it's really about seeing someone who is a target of oppression being treated in an unfair manner - as people with privilege, how can we step in as allies to help? I can see why these folks were taking it personally, they think that the training was about their own behavior instead of society's behavior in general. It is unfortunate that they took it this way and got defensive about it; it seems like there needs to be a Diversity 101 training of sorts to help them see these issues, or somehow make it more real for them.

If I were talking to someone one-on-one, I think I would be able to get through to them more easily by bringing up real examples (e.g., what if this happened to your daughter? how about what if the client did this to you?). I'm not sure how much I should push the envelope though, given the power dynamics here (me being at the bottom of the totem pole), but I'm glad the Ally Skills training opened up the conversation. In the week since then, everyone has been talking about it and ruminating over it. If all we've done is raise awareness and consciousness about biases in the workplace, then we've already succeeded.

what's in a name?

More than once, people have asked me about my name and whether my personality has been influenced by my name.  So...my name was given to me by the doctor who delivered me - apparently I looked super happy and like I'm enjoying myself! I'm also super bubbly, optimistic, outgoing, etc. which matches my name, and hence the question.

My answer is a strong adamant yes - I definitely feel more expectations from others that I should be a happy person by virtue of my name, and being an Obliger, I constantly seek to fulfill external expectations. I'm pretty sure I've also internalized the expectation (since it's positive and really helps my growth too) to be an optimistic and happy person, so that's how I've lived my life and how it's shaped my personality.

Despite my bouts of depression and sad moments, I realise that I do have the ability to be resilient and bounce back from setbacks. So...I guess thanks doctor for giving me this name!

I read this article yesterday about how your first name shapes how others think of your personality. Hopefully my name is a warm and competent one, but if not, at least it's a warm name xD

https://www.newscientist.com/article/2169622-how-your-name-shapes-what-other-people-think-of-your-personality/

I wonder how these names would be rated outside of the US though, it could differ by culture and society. Anyhow, I hope I'll give my kids warm and competent names! ^^

glass half full or half empty?

I've been subscribing to this newsletter "Barking Up the Wrong Tree" by Eric Barker, and this article they sent me today is super interesting: https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/05/ancient-wisdom-2/

Life Isn’t The Problem. Your Interpretations Are.

Your flight is late and you have to sit around the airport, bored. And that makes you angry. Or...

Your flight is late and you get to sit down and rest for a minute instead of shuffling onto a crowded plane. And that makes you happy.

Guess what? Flight being late isn't the issue. What made you angry or happy was your interpretation of what that neutral event means.

Both Stoicism and Buddhism feel that the world is what it is. We get all riled up because of how we interpret those events. And, if we choose, we can change those interpretations and change our feelings.

I totally agree with this quote. In the past few years, I've been reading a lot of random books, articles, newsletters and listening to podcasts around psychology, meditation and mindfulness - generally information on how to be happy. Of course the common theme is that you shouldn't be chasing happiness, that you should seek meaning in your life, and enjoy the process independent of success or failure. There's a lot of discussion around mindfulness and how we interpret events that occur in life - how by reframing situations and changing our perspectives, it make us so much more accepting of what gets thrown at us.

It also gives us control (ie. power/freedom) in the way we think about things and approach events, and makes us more secure in our relationships as well. It's something I'm striving towards, really trying to learn more and grow in this area. I guess that's how we become wiser and more mature xD

I noticed that the two things I've improved on this past year are focusing on the present and loving people no matter how ridiculous they may be. It's definitely helped me in the way I view the world and my feelings, making me more accepting and genuine in my life.

Things I'll need more practice with are stepping back and accepting my feelings. Situations that get me riled up don't arise as often as we think, so I don't get too much practice dealing with them in a meditative way haha. My daily meditation these days have been really straightforward and easy because I haven't had too many troubling thoughts! Guess it's definitely a good problem to have ^^" #firstworldproblems

I recently also read that in the face of fear, one way to counteract that is gratitude. If you think about what you're grateful for, what you have that you don't want to take for granted (e.g., the opportunity to do this presentation and challenge yourself!), then the fear is significantly reduced. That's such a great way to approach things that you might be afraid about!

About Friendship

Ok this will be a really long post. One of my readers (yes it’s you) has given me feedback that they prefer to read posts like my older ones, the longer / deeper posts so they can learn more about my thoughts and who I am. I found inspiration (and time) to finally write this down on the plane, so here you go!

Recently I’ve been thinking deeply about friendship - who are my close friends? Who are my best friends? Who are the people I can count on? These days, I have wayyy too many “friends” on facebook (1855 of them, but hey who’s counting), and how many of them do I really care about? How many of them do I even know? >.>

Growing up, my dad always told me to ask small favors of my friends, in little ways like asking them for a ride home from school, or asking them to change the date or time of a hangout to accommodate my family’s schedule. He wanted me to “test” the friendship, and he told me it’s important to find out who my good friends were, by seeing who would do these favors for me. I remember feeling terrible about it; I’d always resisted and said they’re my friends, I don’t want to be testing them! I would end up fighting with my dad over it.

But really it’s because I always wanted to be seen as the nice girl who wouldn’t trouble others, so I felt bad having to ask these friends. Worse of all, deep down I know that they’re not really close after all, and we were just superficial, fair weather friends. I used to think that there’s no need to “test” it, I know we’re not that close so I should save up the social capital until I really needed it. Haha cynical much? Or maybe just being realistic.

I always wondered why others had such high expectations of friends; I never really did trust that friends would put aside all else to do things for me, so I had pretty low expectations. I wouldn’t necessarily do the same for them, so why should I expect them to do it for me? I am scared of being hurt, so I keep a safe distance from friends so I don’t let myself get hurt. The only person I’ve really opened up to hurt is my ex. I guess that’s the only time I felt vulnerable and betrayed - and truly the only time when I grew exponentially stronger.

Now that I think about it, I’ve always asked my family to accommodate my lifestyle and schedule, and I inconvenienced my parents without a qualm just so I can hang out with my friends and make them/me happy. Back then, my priorities were definitely a lot more focused on being well liked and seen as the nice girl.

I feel bad about my parents now - is that the life of being a parent? Your kids end up taking you for granted because they know that no matter how many tantrums, how much trouble they put you through, how many requests to send them to school or piano practice or meteor shower watching sessions, they know you’re still going to love them the same, they know you’re still going to be there for them. I was being kind and nice to others, but I forgot that I should have been kindest and nicest to my parents instead.

Anyhow, back to friendship. To this day I remember very clearly an incident that illustrates my desire to be well-liked at the expense of my conscience. When I was 10, everyone had to pair up in boy-girl pairings for physical education class, and we had to hold hands. I saw that this chubby boy had no partner and no one wanted to hold his hand, so I went up to him and held his hand. He brightened up immediately, and I remember how happy he was that I wanted to be his friend. I thought I was being so nice by befriending this boy, but oh man I regretted it in the upcoming weeks. I almost wished I had been mean like the other kids, so I didn’t have to bear the burden of making him happy. I know this sounds so selfish, but that was definitely how I felt back then.

He started to follow me around, wanted to join my project teams, and play together during breaks. I started to feel uncomfortable with it - I had my clique of girl friends that I hung out with, and I was pretty popular back then. We were the teachers’ pets, the smart and popular girls in school, so it wasn’t doing me any good to have this boy, who was seen as an outcast of the class, around me. I remember he was a very odd and awkward boy, quite immature/insecure and would throw tantrums easily, while loving to act smart and show off. That was why the other kids didn’t really like him, and they took every chance they could to make fun of him - the way he waddled as he walked, the fact that he had to wait for his mum to pick him up from school every day, and how during tests he would always disappear to the bathroom for 15min! My classmates were calling him “mummy’s boy” and joking that he was running off to call his mum for answers to the test. Now I suspect he was always nervous during tests and so would have to do a number 2, but back then even I had doubts and would wonder if he really was calling home for help. He did always get really good test scores...

I recall that I was succumbing to peer pressure and would play along with the other kids. I would never say the same mean things or repeat what they said about him, but I was a passive participant as I never stood up for him, nor did I say anything about it. I was afraid of being lumped in with him as an outcast, and I started to feel ashamed of being picked up by my mum from school as well. I was so scared that my friends would turn on me and make fun of me too, so I started to distance myself from him (like ghosting in today’s terms, but in real life). Yes I was learning how to ghost at age 10!

I ignored him whenever he wanted to join in, and I told him I was already part of this group and there’s no more space for him. I couldn’t bear to be completely mean to him so sometimes I still talked to him but other times I would avoid him. It was a very stressful time of my life as I had to navigate peer pressure, while battling my unease and guilt in treating this boy the same way the others were treating him, plus my own shame in being in the same situation of being picked up from school but not made fun of (yet). I would listen to him tell me about his mum and his sister, and let him rant or show off or say whatever he wanted even though I didn’t like it. I realised back then that I had no idea how to stop being friends with someone, that I couldn’t even put it in words how I felt about him. Now I think I probably felt sorry for him, with some annoyance, dislike, sympathy and empathy mixed in.

In fact, his mum knew me as his friend so she would always be very happy to see me, and would come over and talk to me when she picked him up from school. I would always feel sooo bad talking to her, because I’m pretending to be his friend when really I wasn’t feeling it. I would be nice to him in front of his mum, but it would kill me inside. I couldn’t reconcile this - how to maintain distance from a friend I didn’t want, while remaining nice to him and his mum!

In the end, after my sufficient ignoring and avoiding (passive aggressive much?), he got the message and stopped hanging around me. I breathed a sigh of relief, and felt a load off my back. I’m still in with the popular crowd, I’m still well liked and I didn’t have to deal with the outcast anymore. Wait, doesn’t this remind you of Mean Girls?

Yes, that was the power of peer pressure, of tying my identity to the social pressure of being liked by others as a kid. It’s also my first taste of what bullying was, and while I didn’t directly bully him, I felt like I was probably the cruelest of them all by befriending him and then passively rejecting him.

I know it is no excuse, and to this day I still don’t have a good idea of how to tell someone - hey I don’t want to be a close friend with you, please stay at the distance of an acquaintance friend, etc. The only way I know is by not meeting up with these friends, by seeing them less and less, and being less responsive. Haha somehow this sounds a lot like dating!



This relationship accountability chart is from my favorite author and relationship therapist Esther Perel. I’ve been reading her book “Mating in Captivity”, and listening to her podcast “Where Should We Begin” (it’s really good, you guys should check it out if you haven’t heard it before!) I agree with so many things she’s teaching, and I aspire towards her values. I want to embrace the freedom to love and be myself, to power part instead of ghost or ice people, to treat people right even if it’s difficult. We have all been on the receiving end of it before, it sucks when someone is leading you on and stringing your feelings along. I would respect him/her so much more if he/she tells me straight up how they feel about the relationship. I crave honesty, vulnerability and openness, I long for effective and kind communication. It’s what I want to be able to provide to others, and it’s also what I’d love to receive from those I care about.

I know that this is a 180 change from the way I was brought up and from the way my family is, but I shall strive to break the chains of my traditional upbringing and become who I want to be. This shall be my constant challenge, and this is how I will continue to grow on my learning journey.

Taking stock of who my friends are today, most of them are friends from work or school (all the way back to as early as kindergarten classmates in hk!). Most of them are people I grew up with and were connected by virtue of vicinity (studying or living in the same neighborhood), by common interests (science, astronomy, track and field, chinese orchestra, Japanese culture, etc), or by being in the same class. However once we left the context in which we met, we started to drift apart and move on with our lives. Especially as we grew older, everyone started pairing up with boyfriends or husbands and started to pay less attention to our friendships.

For me, I left home and so created distance (both physical and emotional) in all my friendships. Yes I may be keeping in touch with my closer friends over Facebook and WhatsApp, but it’s still not the same. When I need help or comfort, they’re not always the ones I can rely on or turn to anymore. They’ve changed, and I’ve changed so much that I can barely recognize myself. How can we expect to go back to being as close as we were before, when now we’re almost like two new strangers? We have to re-learn everything we knew about each other, and that’s why I’m so grateful that you, my readers, my dear friends, are reading my blog posts.

Yes I’m talking to you. You are reading my deepest and innermost thoughts, and I’m baring my heart to you because I want to believe that this is your way of keeping in touch. This is your way of staying up to date on how I’ve changed, and your approximation in maintaining a close friendship while we’re miles apart. I really appreciate you for putting in this time and effort to getting to know me, and grow and learn alongside me. I only ask that you can do the same for me -- please share your innermost thoughts with me and maintain the connection, rebuild the friendship. I want to see you for who you are as well, and let this be a two-way conversation.

When I left home, I had to start over with a blank slate. I was always good at making friends -- so I did, over and over again. I made close friends in undergrad, then started anew at Stanford with a new set of friends. Then I moved to DC and started over again. After making good friends there, I moved to South Bay and yet again, I had to make new friends. I disappeared under a rock when I was in a relationship, so while I managed to make lots of acquaintance friends, I never had time or energy to get close to them. When I emerged from under the rock, I moved up to SF and had to rekindle all my old friendships and make new friends again.

Again, and again, it wears me down.

Who am I left with now that I’m alone in the US? I’ve left my closest friends behind, I don’t have family here, and while I have made new friends in my adulthood, it isn’t quite the same. I felt like  adult friendships have barriers and the baggage of past hurts, which are very different from the carefree friendships of my childhood and youth. Worse still, we have to always be wary and cautious about people getting close to us with an ulterior motive, whether it is for networking, or a guy seeing me as a potential love interest.

Is it this difficult to build and maintain friendship as adults? We needs to put in a lot more intention, care and effort in order to make it work, especially now that we have different priorities clashing with friendship - work, family, dates/boyfriends/husbands, and kids in the future. How can we juggle all that and still stay close to our friends?

I don’t have a good answer, but I think it means I’ll have to whittle down my friendship group and figure out who I want to be close to or not. I’ve been rereading waitbutwhy’s post on friendship about the tiers of friends that we should have, and it makes me wonder if I even have any in the Tier 1 group. If you haven't read it yet, I highly encourage you to at least check out the first few paragraphs of it.

I was just thinking a few weeks ago, that my closest friend now is my roommate, and the people I hang out with are my housemates - mostly because we are all in close proximity to each other. So if my house burned down, who can I turn to for help? Who do I feel comfortable enough with to ask for a place to stay?

I have two friends that I thought of, but they live with their parents in the east bay so it wouldn’t work well for them (or me). I have a few friends in the south bay that I can ask but it’s far from the city. Within the city, I realised I didn’t have any close friends other than guy dates! I can only think of two girl friends that I had just met at a Meetup end of last year - we aren’t that close yet, but they would be willing and able to help me out.

The irony is that the only people I got close to in my time here were guys I went on dates with that I really liked, that somehow didn’t work out. I don’t have close guy friends as I inadvertently create emotional distance to avoid developing feelings for the guy, but also build up a barrier to keep the guy from liking me. Otherwise it builds romantic feelings, and a close friendship would no longer be sustainable. We’d either be dating or become so uncomfortable with being close that we’d have to recreate the distance.

Also, open-minded as I may seem, I’d still feel super uncomfortable staying over at a guy’s place even if we’re friends. Given the choice, I’d rather crash with the girl acquaintance friends than guy friends haha.

I guess in the worst case, I would go home. When my heart grows weary, my body lacks vitality, and my spirit needs replenishment, I shall return home to family. The family that I don’t want to take for granted anymore, and the very people who will love me no matter what.

Diversity and Women in the workplace

I was at dinner with my coworkers yesterday, and I was excited to share with them that I‘m bringing in a third party trainer to conduct diversity training for our company’s June training. It's a first for our company, and took us 1.5 years to plan, conduct an RFQ, downselect to 2, then 1 trainer, negotiate, get approval, funding, etc, and I'm so stoked that it's finally happening! It’s called the Ally Skills workshop (more info here) and it really teaches actionable steps on how we can support targets of oppression (i.e. minorities) when we see them being treated unfairly by the privileged group.

Ok it's a lot of jargon here, but essentially how can we stop bad behavior in the workplace, and step in to help as an ally? We all have different situations where we are part of the privileged group vs the oppressed minority. For example, I know I’m privileged when I can walk into a convenience store and not worry that the cashier is watching me - he/she doesn’t think I’m there to steal, or that I don’t have any money. I know that as an Asian female, I look harmless and likeable / trustworthy, so I can get away with a lot more than a black guy would be able to. I can easily walk up to women I don't know and make conversation with them without fear, but I can’t do that if I were a guy of color.

Yet I am a minority when it comes to the workplace - I’m young, Asian, female, and international with an accent; clearly I don’t belong in a room full of white middle aged men. So I would also have situations where I’m a target of oppression, and the power dynamic is skewed the other way. I was telling my bosses about this and how we will learn to use the right language and avoid negative terms in order to be sensitive about diverse backgrounds. We will also split up into smaller groups for discussion around customized scenarios and how we would approach these uncomfortable situations. Some scenarios will include only asking junior women to do office housework (e.g. taking notes or fetching coffee), or being a consultant in a client meeting where the client is making sexist or racist remarks to another client (true story).

Now my direct boss is very open minded; he heads the SF office and is well versed in these issues - he’s a proponent of women and diversity! However the other boss is from the DC office and while he is relatively open minded, he still questioned things like the use of pronoun “they”. He also made a slippery slope fallacy - he said that if we allowed people to use all kinds of pronouns and allowed different sexualities, where does it stop? What are the boundaries then? Would bestiality be ok then? (Here is where I think - ah it’s also a false analogy fallacy! Thank you good old philosophy teacher from middle school xD)

My direct boss jumped in and said, well how about if aliens existed and came to earth, would it be ok if humans and aliens fell in love? That would be interspecies love.

I said that interspecies love is something that is popularized in today’s pop culture - shape of water, twilight, city of bones, and other vampire/human or werewolf/human pairings. However what makes it uncomfortable for me isn’t the fact that it’s interspecies or not, but rather the fact that the animal cannot give consent, so it’s an unwilling party in bestiality. If the animal is on equal terms, is able to communicate with humans and express its love / willingness to date with the human, then yes I’m all for it! Hence the false analogy - it’s not an apple to apple comparison with interspecies relations.

Anyhow, I know this is only the beginning of an uphill battle. I’m preparing myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable at June training, because I will definitely be a minority in the discussion and I will have to speak up in front of senior management. These are men who are quite different from me and have more seniority / power in the company, so I will have to be sensitive and tactful. It will be both challenging and exhilarating, can’t wait for it!

I recently spoke with a bunch of very smart men and women in SF about women’s issues in the workplace and how men can help. While I felt some resistance/discomfort, it was still a breakthrough for me. If we don’t open up the conversation, how else can we drive change in society’s mindset? Men make up half the world and pretty much run all of the world, so we need to enlist their help and buy-in to encourage diversity.

If any of you are interested to learn more about this, feel free to reach out to me for a chat anytime. I have a bunch of books and articles to recommend, as well as a presentation I made to my company with statistics and information about the problem, benefits of diversity, the impact on our work, how we can help. It’s an all around interesting issue that I’m still learning about, so feel free to send things my way as well!

Quote for the day

I came across this quote in my bit of news today, and I really liked it. It so eloquently stated what I’ve been thinking in the past few years, totally true! Thought I’d share this as quote for the day:

You can buy food, but not appetite; medicine but not health; knowledge but not wisdom; glitter, but not beauty; fun, but not joy; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; leisure, but not peace. You can have the husk of everything for money, but not the kernel." 
– Arne Garborg, Norwegian author

Money can buy most things in life, but not the things that matter.

And of course, you’d always have fun when you’re with joy ;)

Achieving greater things

I did a headstand!!! The last time I managed to do a headstand was in sec 1, back when I was 13. Wow I felt this rush of adrenaline and sense of achievement, especially since I tried it two years ago and gave up. I'm so glad I persevered this time and really did it hehehe.

This gives me hope that I should try other things that I may have been too uncomfortable with, or things I gave up on before. I'm currently doing meditation everyday for 5 min, and keeping up with my meditation streak using the Simple Habit app (for those of you interested, add me as a friend!). I'm trying to keep up doing blogilates again everyday (I stuck to it for a few months and then gave up...), and eating healthier / less carbs. I'm also trying to get back into dancing (west coast swing, salsa, zumba, kpop, hip hop, etc) at least once a week.

This is actually not easy, but given that I know my tendency as an Obliger (see The Four Tendencies here), I have been trying to create more external accountability for myself. Any friends want to join me in living healthier lifestyles / doing these things with me? :D

As for my reading challenge of 30 books a year (2.5 books/month), I've been more than on track - I finished 11 books as of yesterday! I also noticed that I've been reading a lot more books on relationships and understanding dating styles, such as "Attached" and "Mating in Captivity", and now I'm reading Aziz Ansari's "Modern Romance". These are all great books, and I've learned so much more about my own personality, people's preferences/desires, and how people communicate. Definitely looking forward to applying it with my future dating and relationships.

A lot of exciting news too, my brother is visiting next weekend, and I have a few other friends visiting Mother's Day weekend. It would be a lot of fun hanging out with all these people and eating yummy food. I'll also be going to NYC in June for a weekend so I'm excited!! Definite looking forward to catching up with my east coast friends and watching some broadway musicals ^^

My strengths

I've been doing an online Coursera class on Positive Psychology and Resilience, and we had to do a Values in Action (VIA) survey to figure out what our character strengths are. If you're interested, feel free to do the survey here, it took me around 10 minutes.
https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/testcenter

Make sure to look for VIA Survey of Character Strengths, and you'll need to create an account in order to do the survey. There are other surveys in there around optimism, authentic happiness, meaning in life, etc. All quite interesting!

Turns out my strengths are:

Your Top Strength

Forgiveness and mercy -

You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.

Your Second Strength

Leadership -

You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.

Strength #3

Love of learning -

You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Strength #4

Social intelligence -

You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

Strength #5

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness -

Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

I'm pretty amazed to find out my #1 strength is forgiveness and mercy! Learning, social intelligence and critical thinking I agree with, but #2 leadership is surprising for me. I see myself more as a good follower, or perhaps a key enabler in getting things done. I guess the description here sounds more like a compassionate/encouraging leader rather than the traditional macho/confident type of leader. Guess that's a strength of mine I should use more often and leverage at work!

Rhapsody in Blue!

So I just went for a Groupmuse music event last Sunday, and it’s definitely a more chill, casual and intimate setting than I was expecting. It’s not like a full blown concert, rather it’s more about sitting on cushions and couches and hanging out with your friends with food and drinks while you enjoy some classical music - piano, chamber music (strings) and opera singers. It was quite magical and I really liked it! The only thing was that I felt super uncomfortable sitting on the floor - got to practice more meditation sitting on the floor...

The last song they played was “Rhapsody in Blue”, and little did I know that that’s the song that United has been using in all 3 of their safety videos! This means I’ve been listening to this song  twice a week almost every week for the past 4 years!! Wow. Here’s the latest United “Safety is Global” video so you can understand what I listen to every week hahaha...I’ll never see the video the same way again.

How I have grown

Happy International Women Day folks! I don't agree with celebrating women only on one day - we should celebrate us and address women's issues every day. But still I recognize the meaning of it and how it starts conversations, so that's great.

Ok this post will be about the woes of online dating, and kind of shows you why I've been feeling so jaded about it, but I also realised I've grown so much since I started. I've stopped feeling as affected by guys / other people, the things they say or do to me, though I still need a lot of conscious re-thinking to make sure I don't let other people's negativity get me down.

Yes I'm back on the online dating scene. I've re-installed all my apps (that I've been off of for the past 6 months)...and it didn't even seem like I've been gone. In fact, I think the quality of guys on the apps just went down! Gosh, just when I thought I'm a veteran at this, you guys keep surprising me, and NOT in a good way. And somehow I'm not surprised anymore...

This isn't looking good you guys, come on I know you can do better than this!

I went on a date last week and I felt quite sad...yet another case of amazing-in-texting-but-terrible-in-person date. I gave him a chance and even re-engaged in talking with him over text after meeting him, and talked to him over the phone. Again - texting is good and he's super responsive, manages my expectations etc, but on the phone he was terrible.

He sounded like a self-absorbed, presumptuous and arrogant guy who didn't care much about the other person's feelings, though he tried to do so. He really did try, I can tell, but it took so much effort for him. And because of that he was emotionally guilt tripping me to do the same things for him, but I just felt defensive every time I heard his voice or thought of him.

I have no idea how he even got all his past girlfriends, it's like he says things that are all the right things, but his body language and tone didn't mean it - like saying "I don't ever brag about those things, I hate people who do" and then he goes about subtly bragging about those things (without meaning to).

What the heck? But really he didn't mean to. Right....

Anyhow I just told him we're not a good match and best of luck in his search, and he asked me to pay for half of the meal that he treated me. Umm...on the date I asked to pay half and he insisted on treating, and then now...what? He's burned all the bridges lol, don't think I'd even want to talk to him again.

He actually reminds me of my ex (in terms of the lack of sensitivity/communication) but a much worse version of him, one that is also super cynical, insecure, and more picky among other issues. Goodness...I don't even know where to begin. If I don't conform with his ideas, he would be making me feel bad and terrible about it. Even seeing him once already made me feel this way, can you imagine if it really were everyday??

I am so glad I'm a much stronger person now and feel less affected by these sorts of things. No matter his sweet words or actions, I won't be duped by such superficial things, and I don't need a negative influence in my life that brings me down.

Oh and another online date tried to ask about sex in our first -text- conversation (yes not even in person) but he was so awkwardly bad about it I just laughed. And he wasn't even that good looking...I told him sorry don't think it's going to work out. 

Goodness what has this online dating scene gone to - guys who are just so bad with women that they think they can get women by asking for sex? hahahaha