Something about the way Secondhand Serenade sings with the guitar and piano chords strum my heartstrings as well. Again, I played the acoustic guitar and sang both melody and harmony here. I switched up the title page so there's variety across my videos...I really need some suggestions people!
Friday, September 06, 2019
Next Up...I'll Fall for You
This is a guitar song cover that I've been wanting to do for years...it was one of the few English songs I've always loved and felt a strong emotional connection with. I didn't even realise it came out in 2008, I thought it was earlier! I can't quite remember how I first heard this song, but probably a friend recommended it, and I ended up falling in love with it.
I’m noticing a pattern in the songs I’m covering - they’re both about falling in love! The next song I’m thinking of (it’s a chinese song) will also have falling and love in it, so stay tuned!
Monday, September 02, 2019
Back from a 2-year Musical Hiatus!
Hello friends! After 2 years of not recording any music or guitar covers, I'm back!
I chose Can't Help Falling in Love by Kina Grannis (originally sung by Elvia Presley) as my return song. I first heard it performed by Kina Grannis in Crazy Rich Asians during the wedding scene, and decided there and then that I've got to learn this song on the guitar. I didn't realise that this was an old song dating back to 1961, but clearly it's such a beautiful and endearing classic that it's being covered again by many folks.
I sang both the main song and harmonization, accompanied by my (not great) playing on the acoustic guitar. My style in playing this song was more free-flowing without keeping to the rhythm/beat, mostly improvising based on how I felt with the music. I'm really excited to be making music covers again, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did making it!
The long-awaited return of my guitar covers, are you ready for it?
- Drumroll -
.
.
.
Here we go!
Also, I'm taking suggestions on what picture / video I should include with my music covers. Should it be something like a cute cat chasing a dog? 😂😂
I chose Can't Help Falling in Love by Kina Grannis (originally sung by Elvia Presley) as my return song. I first heard it performed by Kina Grannis in Crazy Rich Asians during the wedding scene, and decided there and then that I've got to learn this song on the guitar. I didn't realise that this was an old song dating back to 1961, but clearly it's such a beautiful and endearing classic that it's being covered again by many folks.
I sang both the main song and harmonization, accompanied by my (not great) playing on the acoustic guitar. My style in playing this song was more free-flowing without keeping to the rhythm/beat, mostly improvising based on how I felt with the music. I'm really excited to be making music covers again, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did making it!
The long-awaited return of my guitar covers, are you ready for it?
- Drumroll -
.
.
.
Here we go!
Also, I'm taking suggestions on what picture / video I should include with my music covers. Should it be something like a cute cat chasing a dog? 😂😂
Saturday, August 31, 2019
My supermodel doppelgänger
Over the course of my (relatively short) life, I’ve been thought to look Chinese, Japanese, and more recently, Korean. Rarely does anyone think I look Singaporean (or if they do, they haven’t told me haha).
Earlier this year, a friend saw this magazine cover in NYC and sent me the picture, exclaiming, “This looks just like you!!”
Wow. I guess this is how I’d look like if I were a skinny supermodel with lots of makeup and platinum blonde hair. Wait, is this how I’d look like with blonde hair? Should I do it? 🤔
As it turns out, this model is Korean-American, she’s called Park Soo Joo, and she graduated from UC Berkeley in Architecture!!! Guess we’re all Cal bears 😊
Hm these days ppl seem to think I look like really attractive Korean celebrities. Is that legit, or they’re just exaggerating in their flattery?
On a side note, I’m feeling pretty inspired these days to record song covers again. I know I’ve been on a hiatus of almost 2 years and haven’t been recording, but I’m picking it up again and found 5 songs I want to really do this year! So stay tuned, more to come soon!
Earlier this year, a friend saw this magazine cover in NYC and sent me the picture, exclaiming, “This looks just like you!!”
As it turns out, this model is Korean-American, she’s called Park Soo Joo, and she graduated from UC Berkeley in Architecture!!! Guess we’re all Cal bears 😊
Hm these days ppl seem to think I look like really attractive Korean celebrities. Is that legit, or they’re just exaggerating in their flattery?
On a side note, I’m feeling pretty inspired these days to record song covers again. I know I’ve been on a hiatus of almost 2 years and haven’t been recording, but I’m picking it up again and found 5 songs I want to really do this year! So stay tuned, more to come soon!
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
What is Modern Art?
A coworker recommended that I check out this coursera course on Modern Art, and it got me so excited! I've been wanting to learn more about what modern art really is, and how to better appreciate it, especially since we've got an SFMOMA membership and I've been going more frequently. It would be nice to understand and interpret the artwork better.
As it turns out, a lot of the information is found on the MoMA website from NYC, and this stood out to me:
I took a look through Van Gogh's The Starry Night reading and interpretation, and I gained such newfound appreciation for it. I've seen the painting before multiple times, both in person and online, but did not understand the inspiration and meaning of the art until now. Now I understand why he painted it with such thick paint and turmoil of brushstrokes. I didn't even notice the steeple and village houses in the middle ground, or the mountains in the distance. I also didn't realise that the tree in the foreground is a cypress tree, which depicts a connection between Earth and Sky (and thus connects the living and the dead; cypress trees also signify death and are commonly found in graveyards).
Van Gogh once wrote, “Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France?
Just as we take a train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star. We cannot get to a star while we are alive any more than we can take the train when we are dead. So to me it seems possible that cholera, tuberculosis and cancer are the celestial means of locomotion. Just as steamboats, buses and railways are the terrestrial means.
To die quietly of old age would be to go there on foot.”
That’s so beautiful, right? I’d like to see life and death the way he saw it, expressed through his painting.
It's also interesting that so many famous artists struggle with mental instability. It's almost like the expression of madness makes their art great; or perhaps it's the pursuit of artistic creativity that drives them mad. I recently read a book by Esme Wang called "The Collected Schizophrenias", and it dove into her life of living with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. It was very enlightening, and helped me gain perspective and truly feel for what it means to struggle with madness. I can understand the helplessness and lack of control over what our brains think or do, and the struggle with what people deemed as normalcy vs insanity. As I read more books like that, it also helps me gain context in interpreting modern art - I now have deeper appreciation for these artists' works.
Now that I've learned a few things about modern art pieces, I no longer think of modern art is arbitrary or facetious, or "easy to make". I remember my first encounter with modern art - I saw a painting in LA's MOMA 9 years ago, and it just had a blue circle, yellow triangle, and red square on a white canvas. I thought "what, this can be put up in a famous museum?? I could paint that".
Instead of taking such work lightly, I'm going to strive to look deeper into the art (and perhaps look inward?), to feel a connection with the artist, and to appreciate the emotions evoked inside me. Not everything needs to be interpreted, or to be understood directly.
As it turns out, a lot of the information is found on the MoMA website from NYC, and this stood out to me:
Challenging the notion that art must realistically depict the world, some artists experimented with the expressive use of color, non-traditional materials, and new techniques and mediums. Among these new mediums was photography, whose invention in 1839 offered radical possibilities for depicting and interpreting the world. MoMA collects work made after 1880, when the atmosphere was ripe for avant-garde artists to take their work in new, surprising, and modern directions.This is the essence of modern art. That it doesn't have to follow traditional notions that art must depict the world as is, but instead can be whatever the artist wants to create. Hence, it really lets imagination take flight, and that's why I like modern art better than traditional art in a way. It can express freedom and convey emotions, it can be counterculture and make a statement about society.
I took a look through Van Gogh's The Starry Night reading and interpretation, and I gained such newfound appreciation for it. I've seen the painting before multiple times, both in person and online, but did not understand the inspiration and meaning of the art until now. Now I understand why he painted it with such thick paint and turmoil of brushstrokes. I didn't even notice the steeple and village houses in the middle ground, or the mountains in the distance. I also didn't realise that the tree in the foreground is a cypress tree, which depicts a connection between Earth and Sky (and thus connects the living and the dead; cypress trees also signify death and are commonly found in graveyards).
Van Gogh once wrote, “Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France?
Just as we take a train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star. We cannot get to a star while we are alive any more than we can take the train when we are dead. So to me it seems possible that cholera, tuberculosis and cancer are the celestial means of locomotion. Just as steamboats, buses and railways are the terrestrial means.
To die quietly of old age would be to go there on foot.”
That’s so beautiful, right? I’d like to see life and death the way he saw it, expressed through his painting.
It's also interesting that so many famous artists struggle with mental instability. It's almost like the expression of madness makes their art great; or perhaps it's the pursuit of artistic creativity that drives them mad. I recently read a book by Esme Wang called "The Collected Schizophrenias", and it dove into her life of living with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. It was very enlightening, and helped me gain perspective and truly feel for what it means to struggle with madness. I can understand the helplessness and lack of control over what our brains think or do, and the struggle with what people deemed as normalcy vs insanity. As I read more books like that, it also helps me gain context in interpreting modern art - I now have deeper appreciation for these artists' works.
Now that I've learned a few things about modern art pieces, I no longer think of modern art is arbitrary or facetious, or "easy to make". I remember my first encounter with modern art - I saw a painting in LA's MOMA 9 years ago, and it just had a blue circle, yellow triangle, and red square on a white canvas. I thought "what, this can be put up in a famous museum?? I could paint that".
Instead of taking such work lightly, I'm going to strive to look deeper into the art (and perhaps look inward?), to feel a connection with the artist, and to appreciate the emotions evoked inside me. Not everything needs to be interpreted, or to be understood directly.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Jewel
JJ just released a new single!! It’s really good, and it’s also filmed at Singapore’s new attraction at Changi Airport - the Jewel! It’s the largest indoor waterfall in the world, and my oh my, it’s so breathtakingly beautiful...
Guess I finally know how it looks like, and can’t wait to see it in person. Also, watching the music video made me cry, tears flowing from both eyes! It’s the first time I’ve cried watching an mv like that, so it must really mean something...
Something about seeing Singapore creating newer and greater things, plus seeing Christopher Lee age so much that I can barely recognize him, plus the moving story about love that’s not meant to be...just a triple whammy on my heartstrings. Guess there’s always a soft spot in my heart for Singapore and sad love songs...and of course JJ’s wonderful music!
Guess I finally know how it looks like, and can’t wait to see it in person. Also, watching the music video made me cry, tears flowing from both eyes! It’s the first time I’ve cried watching an mv like that, so it must really mean something...
Something about seeing Singapore creating newer and greater things, plus seeing Christopher Lee age so much that I can barely recognize him, plus the moving story about love that’s not meant to be...just a triple whammy on my heartstrings. Guess there’s always a soft spot in my heart for Singapore and sad love songs...and of course JJ’s wonderful music!
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Happy Birthday to Me
It’s almost my birthday - it already is my birthday in Singapore time and will be soon in SF time. I’m not too excited beyond the fact that my bf will be taking me out to dinner somewhere (it’s a surprise) and I just saw that he has a 2pm pickup on his google calendar (it shows up on our shared google home!). I guess I’ll wait and see how it turns out tmr, if the pickup is for my birthday or not (Cake? Gift? Flowers?)
Which reminds me that his birthday is coming up so I need to plan what to get him besides dinner! I’m getting kindof lazy and uninspired these days, so feel free to send me any suggestions!
Also, I got to celebrate this past weekend with my friends - we went hiking and they took me to a Thai place for dinner. This Thai place is known for singing birthday songs super loudly and obnoxiously; just when you think they’re done, they go on to sing it all over again, and again! They also bang cymbals and drums and tambourines to draw as much attention to you as possible, which was super embarrassing for me. But it was all around fun haha.
My coworkers also know it’s my birthday so I think they’ll be singing me a birthday song, maybe we’ll do some drinks to celebrate. Otherwise it’ll be pretty uneventful lol.
Oh and I recently came across the news that my favorite Taiwanese singer Rainie Yang just got engaged!! I’m super happy for her, I’ve been following her for so long since my childhood days, and she didn’t seem like she was going to get married anytime soon so I gave up on any wedding news...until now! It’s nice to see celebrities getting married, reminds me that they have their own lives too outside of the spotlight. I’m glad they’re so good to fans and tell us right away!
Warning - this is in chinese:
https://www.businesstimes.cn/articles-271298-20190711-4419157433.htm
Which reminds me that his birthday is coming up so I need to plan what to get him besides dinner! I’m getting kindof lazy and uninspired these days, so feel free to send me any suggestions!
Also, I got to celebrate this past weekend with my friends - we went hiking and they took me to a Thai place for dinner. This Thai place is known for singing birthday songs super loudly and obnoxiously; just when you think they’re done, they go on to sing it all over again, and again! They also bang cymbals and drums and tambourines to draw as much attention to you as possible, which was super embarrassing for me. But it was all around fun haha.
My coworkers also know it’s my birthday so I think they’ll be singing me a birthday song, maybe we’ll do some drinks to celebrate. Otherwise it’ll be pretty uneventful lol.
Oh and I recently came across the news that my favorite Taiwanese singer Rainie Yang just got engaged!! I’m super happy for her, I’ve been following her for so long since my childhood days, and she didn’t seem like she was going to get married anytime soon so I gave up on any wedding news...until now! It’s nice to see celebrities getting married, reminds me that they have their own lives too outside of the spotlight. I’m glad they’re so good to fans and tell us right away!
Warning - this is in chinese:
https://www.businesstimes.cn/articles-271298-20190711-4419157433.htm
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Throwback to my youth - Fish Leong
Fish Leong just released a new album! It took her 7 years to finally release another album - her last one came out in 2012!
I like her new album - it resonates with me and is her usual romantic love song style, with more mature and nostalgic lyrics. It's a lot about looking back over her past 20 years since her debut (wow I can't believe it's already been 20 years!). Her songs were the popular hits I used to listen to as a teen, and it's amazing she's still going strong even as I've become an adult. I hope she continues to be active as a singer, I want my kids to listen to her (and learn chinese this way too!)
You can listen to her songs here: https://open.spotify.com/album/13EgeVmtvcqQIdJJix6QzM (if you use spotify, otherwise try youtube or other channels!)
Here's one of my favorite songs from the album (慢冷Slow to Cool Down), take a quick listen if you don't want to listen to her whole album! It's amazing she still looks so young...I hope to be like her, remain youthful even when I'm 41 years old with kids! (fingers crossed, asian genes!)
I like her new album - it resonates with me and is her usual romantic love song style, with more mature and nostalgic lyrics. It's a lot about looking back over her past 20 years since her debut (wow I can't believe it's already been 20 years!). Her songs were the popular hits I used to listen to as a teen, and it's amazing she's still going strong even as I've become an adult. I hope she continues to be active as a singer, I want my kids to listen to her (and learn chinese this way too!)
You can listen to her songs here: https://open.spotify.com/album/13EgeVmtvcqQIdJJix6QzM (if you use spotify, otherwise try youtube or other channels!)
Here's one of my favorite songs from the album (慢冷Slow to Cool Down), take a quick listen if you don't want to listen to her whole album! It's amazing she still looks so young...I hope to be like her, remain youthful even when I'm 41 years old with kids! (fingers crossed, asian genes!)
Friday, May 31, 2019
Something incredible happened
Something incredible just happened this week. I heard from my Managing Director that I got promoted from Associate to Senior Associate. I couldn't believe my ears, I was so dazed. I don't think I've ever been this blindsided by good news before. I didn't know what to say and just kept saying thank you, and in the back of my mind, I was feeling elated and incredibly under-qualified and at the same time, feeling enormous guilt.
And here's why.
It's a historic moment - I'm the first female at our firm to be promoted to Senior Associate from entry-level analyst, and so quickly - in 4 years and 9 months. That means it only took me 2 years to be promoted from Associate to Senior Associate, and it usually takes most other people 3-5 years to be promoted, and even then, most don't get promoted. They stay at Associate for a long while and they leave before they get promoted, or they joined as an experienced hire as an Associate and don't get promoted.
And for context, it took me 2 years and 9 months to be promoted from Analyst to Associate, so this promotion is really fast in the career progression at our firm. It's amazing, fascinating, and unbelievable. I can't believe it.
This promotion is really just a title change though, since my compensation and bonus isn't really jumping that much (compared to Analyst to Associate), so it's more like a typical compensation increase from year to year.
As for why I feel under-qualified - a Senior Associate means a manager role. A lead role. I don't feel ready for either of that. I have no experience managing people, and I am doing my first lead role now which has only me myself and I, and already I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have enough guidance, coaching or mentorship from others at my firm. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to do, and asking people stuff, and trying to delegate work where possible. I know I'll eventually figure it out, but how long do I need to fake it till I make it? I think it will take me at least another 2 years to figure out how to be a manager properly, and have some experience leading teams / projects with multiple people on it.
That leads me to the last point - my enormous guilt. I have been feeling jaded and burned out with my current role as a consultant, and didn't gain much pleasure or enjoyment from the work. I'm 5 years into consulting, which is much longer than others in the industry / in my company; most people leave after 2 or 3 years. I'm looking for a change, I want to try something different / new, and I want to work with consistent teams and focus on a product that I can push/grow, and I don't want to travel as much anymore. I have gotten used to being local and building a routine around it, with good sleep and dance classes and spending time with my bf.
Thus I have been reflecting on my work / life goals, and am trying to find ways to combine my passion with work. Based on my understanding of who I am, my personality type and interests, I enjoy volunteering and helping others be successful (whether it's getting into college, or getting that promotion at work). So I'm looking into doing something in the education space, or health and wellness (meditation? coaching?) space, maybe in tech. Eventually, I might want to become a coach, or a therapist, since I really enjoy helping other people and empowering others directly, and not so much helping rich companies get richer.
There is this Japanese concept of ikigai https://en.wikipedia.
And here's why.
It's a historic moment - I'm the first female at our firm to be promoted to Senior Associate from entry-level analyst, and so quickly - in 4 years and 9 months. That means it only took me 2 years to be promoted from Associate to Senior Associate, and it usually takes most other people 3-5 years to be promoted, and even then, most don't get promoted. They stay at Associate for a long while and they leave before they get promoted, or they joined as an experienced hire as an Associate and don't get promoted.
And for context, it took me 2 years and 9 months to be promoted from Analyst to Associate, so this promotion is really fast in the career progression at our firm. It's amazing, fascinating, and unbelievable. I can't believe it.
This promotion is really just a title change though, since my compensation and bonus isn't really jumping that much (compared to Analyst to Associate), so it's more like a typical compensation increase from year to year.
As for why I feel under-qualified - a Senior Associate means a manager role. A lead role. I don't feel ready for either of that. I have no experience managing people, and I am doing my first lead role now which has only me myself and I, and already I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't have enough guidance, coaching or mentorship from others at my firm. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to do, and asking people stuff, and trying to delegate work where possible. I know I'll eventually figure it out, but how long do I need to fake it till I make it? I think it will take me at least another 2 years to figure out how to be a manager properly, and have some experience leading teams / projects with multiple people on it.
That leads me to the last point - my enormous guilt. I have been feeling jaded and burned out with my current role as a consultant, and didn't gain much pleasure or enjoyment from the work. I'm 5 years into consulting, which is much longer than others in the industry / in my company; most people leave after 2 or 3 years. I'm looking for a change, I want to try something different / new, and I want to work with consistent teams and focus on a product that I can push/grow, and I don't want to travel as much anymore. I have gotten used to being local and building a routine around it, with good sleep and dance classes and spending time with my bf.
Thus I have been reflecting on my work / life goals, and am trying to find ways to combine my passion with work. Based on my understanding of who I am, my personality type and interests, I enjoy volunteering and helping others be successful (whether it's getting into college, or getting that promotion at work). So I'm looking into doing something in the education space, or health and wellness (meditation? coaching?) space, maybe in tech. Eventually, I might want to become a coach, or a therapist, since I really enjoy helping other people and empowering others directly, and not so much helping rich companies get richer.
There is this Japanese concept of ikigai https://en.wikipedia.
But short of finding ikigai, I'm hoping to do something that's closer to a mission and passion that also makes $$. Also, my bf recommended this site to me, this might be helpful for you all in figuring out the right career path for you: https://80000hours.org/career-guide/
When should I really make the move then, now that I'm being re-affirmed in my current role?
Friday, May 17, 2019
Two articles on depression and parents
These two articles really resonate with me, and I hope they’re interesting for you too.
The first article helped me understand and distinguish depression from sadness. It’s a good reminder for times when I’m feeling sad / depressed so I’ll know the difference. Seems like it’s time to slow down and really look inwards, really introspect.
https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-depression/?
Another article on being angry with my parents that I totally resonate with...I’m not sure I’ll ever do this but it’s good to know how if I’m ever ready to:
https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-being-angry-with-a-parent/
The first article helped me understand and distinguish depression from sadness. It’s a good reminder for times when I’m feeling sad / depressed so I’ll know the difference. Seems like it’s time to slow down and really look inwards, really introspect.
https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-depression/?
Another article on being angry with my parents that I totally resonate with...I’m not sure I’ll ever do this but it’s good to know how if I’m ever ready to:
https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-being-angry-with-a-parent/
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Happy Mother’s Day 2019
Happy Mother’s Day everyone!
This year, I decided to deviate from the norm and get my mum paper flowers instead of fresh flowers for Mother’s Day! I hope that my mum will appreciate them. I saw these potted orchid flowers by my friend Miss Petal and Bloom and I just loved them! Plus these flowers will last longer so maybe I’ll get to see them when I go back next year. I always felt a little sad that I’ll never get to see the fresh flowers my mum got from me every time I send them to her.
Here’s a picture from the website, you should definitely check out her other flowers too! She does weddings and flower making workshops among other things.
This year, I decided to deviate from the norm and get my mum paper flowers instead of fresh flowers for Mother’s Day! I hope that my mum will appreciate them. I saw these potted orchid flowers by my friend Miss Petal and Bloom and I just loved them! Plus these flowers will last longer so maybe I’ll get to see them when I go back next year. I always felt a little sad that I’ll never get to see the fresh flowers my mum got from me every time I send them to her.
Here’s a picture from the website, you should definitely check out her other flowers too! She does weddings and flower making workshops among other things.
Here’s the mother’s day note I wrote for my mum, hope it’s not too cheesy xD
亲爱的妈咪，
母亲节快乐！今年女儿送的花比往年特别，是胡姬花、像妈咪一样漂亮高贵。这盆花也不会凋谢、好让妈咪长久的保留着。这样妈咪想念女儿的时候，就可以看着我送的胡姬花而感到欣慰。希望下次我回家的时候，我们能一起欣赏这美丽盛开的花朵。
我人虽在美国、但依然会想念你跟爸爸。希望你们继续健康快乐、青春永驻！
女儿沈约彤上
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
How to Be a Great Parent (Person?)
Here's a great (but wordy) article I read about how to respect your child when you disagree, teach them empathy and problem solving skills. Summary is that kids want to make things work with us, they haven't build up the skills to listen, understand our perspectives, and come up with solutions. So they just say "No!" and throw a tantrum. We need to teach them these skills, or they'll turn out to think that only with power can they make other people do what they want (instead of influence, problem solving, and other emotionally intelligent skills).
As I read this, I realised it totally works for us adults too - how we can use the same exact words and skills with our coworkers, our partners, our parents...guess we still act like a child sometimes when it comes to getting what we want. I'm going to try practicing these skills more!
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2019/02/fantastic-parent/
Here are the important points for me from the article, that I'll likely refer to over and over:
Step 1: Empathy
The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.
E.g., “I’ve noticed we’ve been having some difficulty when it’s time to do your homework. What’s up?”
Be calm and gentle. This isn’t an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, “I don’t know” or silence. That’s okay. Frankly, the kid probably doesn’t know. They probably haven’t thought that much about it. It’s okay. Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify.
And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.
Step 2: Define The Problem
The “Defining the problem” step is when your needs enter into the equation.
Calm and gentle. Avoid the word “you” because it’s going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word “I” and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people’s perspectives.
Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Let’s build some more skills.
Step 3: The Invitation
Don't solve the problem for them!!
This teaches them to take other people’s feelings into consideration when problem-solving — which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands. Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn’t just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you’re interested in their ideas.
Step 3.5: Follow-Up (I created this title as a separation haha)
In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:
1. It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
2. It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.
For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. That’s understandable, these are skills to be learned. So let’s start teaching — but not by lecturing. Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. Don’t say, “That’s a terrible idea.” There are no bad solutions here, only ones that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.
And let them try again. They’re learning to think about others’ feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you’re done for now. They’ll be more likely to follow through because it’s their solution.
You’ll know you’re making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it’s more realistic or more mutually satisfying. In fact, it’s good if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that you’re both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if it’s truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until it’s been tried.
Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So don’t expect immediate miracles. Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders.
As I read this, I realised it totally works for us adults too - how we can use the same exact words and skills with our coworkers, our partners, our parents...guess we still act like a child sometimes when it comes to getting what we want. I'm going to try practicing these skills more!
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2019/02/fantastic-parent/
Here are the important points for me from the article, that I'll likely refer to over and over:
Step 1: Empathy
The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.
“I’ve noticed that…” + (problem) + “What’s up?”
E.g., “I’ve noticed we’ve been having some difficulty when it’s time to do your homework. What’s up?”
Be calm and gentle. This isn’t an argument or an interrogation. That said, we do need an answer. And most kids will respond with the dreaded, “I don’t know” or silence. That’s okay. Frankly, the kid probably doesn’t know. They probably haven’t thought that much about it. It’s okay. Be patient. Ask questions. Encourage them to talk. Get them to clarify.
And try to find out why this problem occurs at homework time and not during other moments. Beyond that, the important thing to do is shut your big adult mouth. Do not rush to give your side of things or to solve the problem for them.
Step 2: Define The Problem
The “Defining the problem” step is when your needs enter into the equation.
“The thing is…” + (communicate your concerns about the problem)
Calm and gentle. Avoid the word “you” because it’s going to sound like an accusation. Stick to the word “I” and talk about your feelings. This teaches them to think about other people’s perspectives.
Do both of you understand where the other is coming from? Can you both summarize the other’s position to their satisfaction? Awesome. Let’s build some more skills.
Step 3: The Invitation
Don't solve the problem for them!!
“I wonder if there’s a way we can…” + (address kid’s concern) + “but that still makes sure to” + (address your concern) +“Do you have any ideas?”
This teaches them to take other people’s feelings into consideration when problem-solving — which is a much better lesson than blind obedience to unilateral demands. Giving them first crack at suggesting the solution doesn’t just improve their empathy and problem-solving muscles, it also lets them know you’re interested in their ideas.
Step 3.5: Follow-Up (I created this title as a separation haha)
In order to work, any solution has to include two elements:
1. It has to be realistic. The kid has to actually be able to follow through.
2. It has to be mutually satisfactory. It must solve the concerns of both parties.
For the record, kids are terrible at both of these. That’s understandable, these are skills to be learned. So let’s start teaching — but not by lecturing. Children will offer solutions that solve their problem but not yours. Don’t say, “That’s a terrible idea.” There are no bad solutions here, only ones that aren’t realistic or mutually satisfactory.
“Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.”
And let them try again. They’re learning to think about others’ feelings and make a plan before they behave. And when they come up with something realistic that works for both of you, you’re done for now. They’ll be more likely to follow through because it’s their solution.
You’ll know you’re making progress when the kid starts following through on their plan without reminders or help. Until then, they might screw up. No problem. Ask them how you can improve the solution so it’s more realistic or more mutually satisfying. In fact, it’s good if you both acknowledge that the first solution may not work, but that you’re both trying in good faith. Often neither of you will know if it’s truly realistic or mutually satisfactory until it’s been tried.
Acknowledging that durable solutions are refined with time reduces conflict. So don’t expect immediate miracles. Just the fact that you both showed empathy and listened will bring you closer together than shouting and orders.
Monday, February 04, 2019
Reflections on Chinese New Year
Happy Chinese New Year you all! Quick disclaimer: this post will be kind of depressing, but I’m sure most of you can relate. I’d really appreciate it if you can reach out to me and let me know how you deal with this; any suggestions or advice would be helpful.
———————
It’s Chinese New Year again, and I’m feeling conflicted and torn about it. Usually I feel homesick during this time of the year, because I think about all the happy and fun festivities of CNY back home and kind of miss it.
Growing up, it used to be the best time of the year for me - you get two days off, but really you’re celebrating for 15 days (and the preparation and anticipation leading up to it makes it feel more like one month!) It’s like Christmas for us, but way better, it’s fun with all the best and yummiest food and goodies and bakkwa and pineapple tarts! It’s reunion and time with family and people I love, it’s getting actual money (not just gifts) and it’s buying new clothes and shoes and playing happy music and the beginnings of spring and celebration! It’s at the start of the year but after we’ve had a month or so of school, so we get something to look forward to, to get over back-to-school blues.
But now I feel like it’s something I’ve grown apart from, that I’m no longer quite Chinese or Singaporean, but a lot more Americanized. I had the sudden realization that I missed talking in Chinese, missed listening and singing along to the Chinese New Year songs, and that my kids are going to lose a lot of this Chinese culture and experience. And it’s because I’m making a life choice to move away from my Chinese and Singaporean identity. My kids are not going to learn the CNY songs or all the customs or the Chinese legends / myths and festivals because of me.
I feel lost, like I don’t belong back home or here. I feel like I’m losing my language, culture, identity, and I don’t know what to do in life anymore. How do I recreate my life compass and identities? It makes me afraid to think that I’m losing something I’ve always been holding on to as a child - in fact I probably already have - and now where do I begin? Where do I go from here?
I know it’s part of growing up and realizing that I want something more individualistic and not quite what I’d been taught to believe in as a child, but this is a difficult struggle. How do all of you deal with your clashing of ideals and values, of past present and future, of things taught of old vs what you’re discovering for yourself now? There are things I don’t like about CNY now, and I feel sad about it. It’s things like how my relatives will always be asking the same two questions (at a minimum) - When are you moving home? When are you getting married?
If I don’t have a boyfriend, they’ll ask why don’t you have a boyfriend? Like it’s a crime to be single and happy. As though it’s my moral obligation and filial duty to be married and have kids and keep all my family’s mind at ease. I bristle at the thought of defining success so narrowly, that we have to be following this ladder of success - college, job, marriage, house, kids - in order to be considered “happy” and “successful”. Anything that deviates from this path is considered a failure, that you’re not filial or doing what needs to be done to make your family happy. Perhaps it made sense in the past, when family units were the best way to survive and do well in society, but now there are so many other ways of living and thriving! I just want to rebel and go against all these expectations, and question the assumptions behind them, whenever my relatives ask during CNY.
But no, I don’t engage in this fight, I just let it slide. I smile and make peace and say yeah no boyfriend yet, or yeah I have a bf but not married yet, or yeah maybe I’ll move back in a few years. I nod and smile and let things go.
There are other questions that hurt more sometimes, such as “you’ve grown fat/bigger!” I think the reason I’ve started to avoid going home for CNY is to avoid dealing with awkward questions like that - how do you respond to opinions/advice/judgment from your relatives, that are really passed off as rhetorical questions? I don’t really want to go home just to be judged for who I am, or what I do. But maybe that’s what family is about - you owe it to yourself and to them to explain who you are, that it’s ok for me to be different, that I can be happier the way I am.
I’m lucky that I’m not so different from the expected social norms...I shudder to imagine what some of my friends have to deal with given that they’re walking the less trodden path.
In the US, I’ve seen funny thanksgiving commercials where relatives argue over contentious issues like religion or political beliefs, but somehow those sort of things don’t hurt me personally. Only things that my family and relatives say about me can make me feel insecure, because they’re attacking my identity and self-image directly, and I do care about their opinion of me. I guess people here also have to deal with judgment from relatives too, and it’s not a unique issue to me - everyone grows up and changes who they are over time.
I’d love to hear what all your thoughts are, how you’ve dealt with your struggles, maybe how you’re dealing with them even now. I don’t want to lose my family ties and closeness to my relatives - maybe I just need to have thicker skin and not be as affected by what others say or think. I think I’m getting stronger now, and that I’d be emotionally and mentally ready for Chinese New Year next year.
What do you all think?
———————
It’s Chinese New Year again, and I’m feeling conflicted and torn about it. Usually I feel homesick during this time of the year, because I think about all the happy and fun festivities of CNY back home and kind of miss it.
Growing up, it used to be the best time of the year for me - you get two days off, but really you’re celebrating for 15 days (and the preparation and anticipation leading up to it makes it feel more like one month!) It’s like Christmas for us, but way better, it’s fun with all the best and yummiest food and goodies and bakkwa and pineapple tarts! It’s reunion and time with family and people I love, it’s getting actual money (not just gifts) and it’s buying new clothes and shoes and playing happy music and the beginnings of spring and celebration! It’s at the start of the year but after we’ve had a month or so of school, so we get something to look forward to, to get over back-to-school blues.
But now I feel like it’s something I’ve grown apart from, that I’m no longer quite Chinese or Singaporean, but a lot more Americanized. I had the sudden realization that I missed talking in Chinese, missed listening and singing along to the Chinese New Year songs, and that my kids are going to lose a lot of this Chinese culture and experience. And it’s because I’m making a life choice to move away from my Chinese and Singaporean identity. My kids are not going to learn the CNY songs or all the customs or the Chinese legends / myths and festivals because of me.
I feel lost, like I don’t belong back home or here. I feel like I’m losing my language, culture, identity, and I don’t know what to do in life anymore. How do I recreate my life compass and identities? It makes me afraid to think that I’m losing something I’ve always been holding on to as a child - in fact I probably already have - and now where do I begin? Where do I go from here?
I know it’s part of growing up and realizing that I want something more individualistic and not quite what I’d been taught to believe in as a child, but this is a difficult struggle. How do all of you deal with your clashing of ideals and values, of past present and future, of things taught of old vs what you’re discovering for yourself now? There are things I don’t like about CNY now, and I feel sad about it. It’s things like how my relatives will always be asking the same two questions (at a minimum) - When are you moving home? When are you getting married?
If I don’t have a boyfriend, they’ll ask why don’t you have a boyfriend? Like it’s a crime to be single and happy. As though it’s my moral obligation and filial duty to be married and have kids and keep all my family’s mind at ease. I bristle at the thought of defining success so narrowly, that we have to be following this ladder of success - college, job, marriage, house, kids - in order to be considered “happy” and “successful”. Anything that deviates from this path is considered a failure, that you’re not filial or doing what needs to be done to make your family happy. Perhaps it made sense in the past, when family units were the best way to survive and do well in society, but now there are so many other ways of living and thriving! I just want to rebel and go against all these expectations, and question the assumptions behind them, whenever my relatives ask during CNY.
But no, I don’t engage in this fight, I just let it slide. I smile and make peace and say yeah no boyfriend yet, or yeah I have a bf but not married yet, or yeah maybe I’ll move back in a few years. I nod and smile and let things go.
There are other questions that hurt more sometimes, such as “you’ve grown fat/bigger!” I think the reason I’ve started to avoid going home for CNY is to avoid dealing with awkward questions like that - how do you respond to opinions/advice/judgment from your relatives, that are really passed off as rhetorical questions? I don’t really want to go home just to be judged for who I am, or what I do. But maybe that’s what family is about - you owe it to yourself and to them to explain who you are, that it’s ok for me to be different, that I can be happier the way I am.
I’m lucky that I’m not so different from the expected social norms...I shudder to imagine what some of my friends have to deal with given that they’re walking the less trodden path.
In the US, I’ve seen funny thanksgiving commercials where relatives argue over contentious issues like religion or political beliefs, but somehow those sort of things don’t hurt me personally. Only things that my family and relatives say about me can make me feel insecure, because they’re attacking my identity and self-image directly, and I do care about their opinion of me. I guess people here also have to deal with judgment from relatives too, and it’s not a unique issue to me - everyone grows up and changes who they are over time.
I’d love to hear what all your thoughts are, how you’ve dealt with your struggles, maybe how you’re dealing with them even now. I don’t want to lose my family ties and closeness to my relatives - maybe I just need to have thicker skin and not be as affected by what others say or think. I think I’m getting stronger now, and that I’d be emotionally and mentally ready for Chinese New Year next year.
What do you all think?
Friday, January 18, 2019
Thought-Provoking Books
I just finished "Tuesdays with Morrie" for the second time - the last time I read it was probably when I was 13 or 14, so I don't remember too much of it. Also, I figured that having matured over the years and rereading it as an adult would give me a vastly different understanding of the book, what with all my experiences of love and loss and responsibility. I took screenshots of a few very interesting quotes that I saved in an album, talking about death, meaning in life, detaching from emotions, marriage, and overall mindset. I'm sharing them below (scroll all the way down) so you can let me know your thoughts on them.
The book made me cry (again)...guess I'm an emotional person on these things.
I'm also reading "Playing Big" for our company's women's initiative network group, and we're reading a few chapters at a time and discussing it. The most recent chapters I read (Chapter 5 through 7) are about women developing a "good student" mindset and habits when we were younger. We were rewarded for following the rules and obeying authority, so we become afraid to think bold and go beyond our boundaries in our adult life. This holds us back from challenging authority and making real change in this world, especially since so many of the "rules" and "boundaries" were created by men, for men. It's something I agree with, and her thoughts on how we can develop other skills that help us become good leaders and play bigger, are all interesting for me.
As I read the book, it's prompted me to think about my long-term career move. I've distilled it down to the following "criteria":
- I want to do something that helps other people on an individual, relationship level
- I also want to have a flexible work schedule, where I can define my time and take care of my kids in the future, without being forced to stick to a 9-5 work schedule (or a boss, though I'm fine with a boss)
- Makes some money so I can support the family/kids I want to have in the future
- Perhaps I could move back to Singapore, or maybe stay in the US, or work from anywhere so I can be in Asia closer to home
So here are some thoughts, nothing concrete as yet - I'm jotting them down so you guys can give me some ideas. I am passionate about women and education, so perhaps something in that area (nonprofit?). I'm also passionate about teaching and helping others, but I don't want to be a teacher. I'm thinking of becoming a coach, or maybe counselor/mentor/therapist.
Coaching is the path I'm most inclined towards now, since it has lower barriers to entry and if I figure out I don't like it, I haven't wasted as much time/$$. It doesn't require as much training or education, and you can also make a living part-time (without sticking to a 9-5 workday). It also depends on the type of coach I want to be; an executive coach makes a lot more money compared to a personal coach or leadership coach. I'm also thinking I could run workshops on coaching, on being an ally to targets of oppression, on mindset/meaning in life, or other related workshops...
My boss introduced his friend who's an executive coach to me, so I'll be chatting with him more about this. Hopefully he can help me figure out if that's the right path for me, if it's a good fit for me.
The book made me cry (again)...guess I'm an emotional person on these things.
On Meaning in Life
On Emotions
On Detaching from Emotions
On Giving
On Marriage
I'm also reading "Playing Big" for our company's women's initiative network group, and we're reading a few chapters at a time and discussing it. The most recent chapters I read (Chapter 5 through 7) are about women developing a "good student" mindset and habits when we were younger. We were rewarded for following the rules and obeying authority, so we become afraid to think bold and go beyond our boundaries in our adult life. This holds us back from challenging authority and making real change in this world, especially since so many of the "rules" and "boundaries" were created by men, for men. It's something I agree with, and her thoughts on how we can develop other skills that help us become good leaders and play bigger, are all interesting for me.
As I read the book, it's prompted me to think about my long-term career move. I've distilled it down to the following "criteria":
- I want to do something that helps other people on an individual, relationship level
- I also want to have a flexible work schedule, where I can define my time and take care of my kids in the future, without being forced to stick to a 9-5 work schedule (or a boss, though I'm fine with a boss)
- Makes some money so I can support the family/kids I want to have in the future
- Perhaps I could move back to Singapore, or maybe stay in the US, or work from anywhere so I can be in Asia closer to home
So here are some thoughts, nothing concrete as yet - I'm jotting them down so you guys can give me some ideas. I am passionate about women and education, so perhaps something in that area (nonprofit?). I'm also passionate about teaching and helping others, but I don't want to be a teacher. I'm thinking of becoming a coach, or maybe counselor/mentor/therapist.
Coaching is the path I'm most inclined towards now, since it has lower barriers to entry and if I figure out I don't like it, I haven't wasted as much time/$$. It doesn't require as much training or education, and you can also make a living part-time (without sticking to a 9-5 workday). It also depends on the type of coach I want to be; an executive coach makes a lot more money compared to a personal coach or leadership coach. I'm also thinking I could run workshops on coaching, on being an ally to targets of oppression, on mindset/meaning in life, or other related workshops...
My boss introduced his friend who's an executive coach to me, so I'll be chatting with him more about this. Hopefully he can help me figure out if that's the right path for me, if it's a good fit for me.
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Bittersweet Christmas
I haven’t really been on social media much these days, it’s like I’ve grown out of them or have just lost interest in posting on fb, on my blog, or even stalking what other ppl are doing or saying on fb. My bf was just telling me that I got tagged on some photo on fb, so finally today, on Christmas Day, I went onto fb and looked through my feed.
Interestingly, within the top 10 posts, a third of them were about people getting married or engaged. I guess Christmas time is the time for people to put a ring on it! And I’d forgotten, but I saw a mutual friend’s post about my ex’s wedding in Singapore. He posted 5 group photos, with my ex and his now wife, at their wedding. I’d blogged about it once before, in January when I first learned that they were getting married, and the bittersweet feelings I had. So I wasn’t surprised, but I felt incredibly drawn to everything that had happened at their wedding.
I became somewhat obsessed, like I wanted to see, stalk, experience everything, so I went to my ex’s page and kept scrolling through all the friends’ posts, all the wedding photos, the music, the friends’ trips in Singapore. I couldn’t stop, and all the while I felt pretty neutral about it, quite happy for them too. But I think I’m just lying to myself, hiding away the negative feelings I have, which I’m about to tell you about.
I kept coming up with stories like - oh I’m sure they picked a Chinese song to play here, oh his mum must have planned all this part and made him do it, or oh all the primary school classmates probably thought it was so romantic that they’d stay in touch and end up getting married almost 20 years later. I realised I started feeling lonely, nostalgic, sad, lost, and like I didn’t matter. That people have all these stories and they’ve moved on with their idyllic life and I don’t matter anymore. I was telling myself all these stories, because somehow I wanted to make myself matter, like I’m important in this narrative, that I too, deserve a happily ever after. I was scared that I’ve been left behind, and would never have a happily ever after.
Then I thought, I don’t want to want a happily ever after! It’s a romantic ideal that isn’t even real. I know that weddings are just a show of happiness, doesn’t mean that everything’s perfect. In fact, no relationship is ever perfect. But a part of me just wanted to hold on to the romantic ideals - of a beautiful wedding, marriage, kids, loving husband who showers me with gifts and appreciation all the time, and the realistic part of me knows it’s not going to be all rosy. I know it’s too much to ask of a person to do everything romantic you want, all the romantic gestures. That I’m attributing way too much importance to all that. I should focus on what’s real, the little things that matter, that show our love for each other.
I started beating myself over it, berating myself - come on grow up! You know there are no happily ever afters in this world, life is not a fairytale story. I started an internal fight with myself, just different selves with different perspectives trying to convince each other of their truth, and coming to the climactic explosion of realization that - we will never be ok with this. We will always be struggling against what we’ve internalized as romance and love ideals, versus the very real lives we live in. So all of it doesn’t really matter. I just need to let go of these expectations and emotions and live in my present moment. And that’s enough.
But I’m just sad. I’m mourning, grieving the loss of my little girl self, the little girl who wanted to live like a princess, have a prince that would carry her to safety, the ideals of marriage and romance and things that society and books and tv shows and movies and the Internet and your parents and school and even your peers, constantly reinforce. This idyllic version of love and romance, doesn’t exist. So I just had a tough time this morning letting it go, and I don’t think I’ll ever completely let it go. Maybe as I grow wiser and older and more mature, this gets easier. But we’ll see.
I’ll be sure to tell my little girls that they should live life the way they believe is right, and not to live by these expectations that were created as part of romantic ideals. They should create their own romance, and not follow what everybody else says.
Sorry for this depressing post on Christmas Day. I hope everyone else is having much happier thoughts than me today, and not struggling with internal expectations and wanting to grow up without going through all the pain that’s necessary to make us stronger...and yes, merry Christmas to you too.
Interestingly, within the top 10 posts, a third of them were about people getting married or engaged. I guess Christmas time is the time for people to put a ring on it! And I’d forgotten, but I saw a mutual friend’s post about my ex’s wedding in Singapore. He posted 5 group photos, with my ex and his now wife, at their wedding. I’d blogged about it once before, in January when I first learned that they were getting married, and the bittersweet feelings I had. So I wasn’t surprised, but I felt incredibly drawn to everything that had happened at their wedding.
I became somewhat obsessed, like I wanted to see, stalk, experience everything, so I went to my ex’s page and kept scrolling through all the friends’ posts, all the wedding photos, the music, the friends’ trips in Singapore. I couldn’t stop, and all the while I felt pretty neutral about it, quite happy for them too. But I think I’m just lying to myself, hiding away the negative feelings I have, which I’m about to tell you about.
I kept coming up with stories like - oh I’m sure they picked a Chinese song to play here, oh his mum must have planned all this part and made him do it, or oh all the primary school classmates probably thought it was so romantic that they’d stay in touch and end up getting married almost 20 years later. I realised I started feeling lonely, nostalgic, sad, lost, and like I didn’t matter. That people have all these stories and they’ve moved on with their idyllic life and I don’t matter anymore. I was telling myself all these stories, because somehow I wanted to make myself matter, like I’m important in this narrative, that I too, deserve a happily ever after. I was scared that I’ve been left behind, and would never have a happily ever after.
Then I thought, I don’t want to want a happily ever after! It’s a romantic ideal that isn’t even real. I know that weddings are just a show of happiness, doesn’t mean that everything’s perfect. In fact, no relationship is ever perfect. But a part of me just wanted to hold on to the romantic ideals - of a beautiful wedding, marriage, kids, loving husband who showers me with gifts and appreciation all the time, and the realistic part of me knows it’s not going to be all rosy. I know it’s too much to ask of a person to do everything romantic you want, all the romantic gestures. That I’m attributing way too much importance to all that. I should focus on what’s real, the little things that matter, that show our love for each other.
I started beating myself over it, berating myself - come on grow up! You know there are no happily ever afters in this world, life is not a fairytale story. I started an internal fight with myself, just different selves with different perspectives trying to convince each other of their truth, and coming to the climactic explosion of realization that - we will never be ok with this. We will always be struggling against what we’ve internalized as romance and love ideals, versus the very real lives we live in. So all of it doesn’t really matter. I just need to let go of these expectations and emotions and live in my present moment. And that’s enough.
But I’m just sad. I’m mourning, grieving the loss of my little girl self, the little girl who wanted to live like a princess, have a prince that would carry her to safety, the ideals of marriage and romance and things that society and books and tv shows and movies and the Internet and your parents and school and even your peers, constantly reinforce. This idyllic version of love and romance, doesn’t exist. So I just had a tough time this morning letting it go, and I don’t think I’ll ever completely let it go. Maybe as I grow wiser and older and more mature, this gets easier. But we’ll see.
I’ll be sure to tell my little girls that they should live life the way they believe is right, and not to live by these expectations that were created as part of romantic ideals. They should create their own romance, and not follow what everybody else says.
Sorry for this depressing post on Christmas Day. I hope everyone else is having much happier thoughts than me today, and not struggling with internal expectations and wanting to grow up without going through all the pain that’s necessary to make us stronger...and yes, merry Christmas to you too.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Parting ways with my longest roommate
I’m moving out, and moving on from yet another stage of my life. Yet another accelerated growth journey, moving on from another special roommate (also the longest one that I’ve had - 2 years and 8 months!!). Oh how I’ve grown. And it only makes me realise how much more I have to go!
Guess I’m done with the exploration phase in my life. Now it’s time to introspect and focus on the things that matter to me, and the person I love. I’m looking forward to the journey ahead 😊
Guess I’m done with the exploration phase in my life. Now it’s time to introspect and focus on the things that matter to me, and the person I love. I’m looking forward to the journey ahead 😊
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Just published!
Hurray! My second article of the year (third article ever) just published! It’s a collaboration between me and my long-time manager / boss who is a subject matter expert in cloud infrastructure and is really good at this. I know it’s a lot of gibberish to most people, but I’m excited enough to want to post about it. Feel free to check it out and ask me questions anytime 😊
https://www.ciodive.com/news/enterprise-cultural-shifts-required-for-successful-cloud-adoption/532476/
https://www.ciodive.com/news/enterprise-cultural-shifts-required-for-successful-cloud-adoption/532476/
Sunday, September 09, 2018
How to be a good parent
I’ve been collecting all sorts of articles and books on how to raise emotionally intelligent kids, how to be good parents, how to help children succeed etc. I haven’t really posted any of them so I thought I’d do something different today and post some, especially since I have more friends who are having babies now or thinking about having babies.
I was brought up in a traditional asian household with what John Gottman would call “disapproving parents”, who disapproved of negative emotions and curbed any expression of emotions from us. I definitely want to be a better parent and raise my kids differently from the way I was brought up, especially since I’m so lucky to have access to all these amazing books and advice out there. I’m surprised to see that John Gottman did research not just on successful relationships and how to make them last, but also looked at parenting and how to raise kids with emotional intelligence! This is absolutely wonderful, he’s my new Esther Perel 😍.
I hope these articles are a good start for you, and let me know your thoughts!
How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids according to John Gottman - https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/09/emotionally-intelligent-kids/
How to be a Better Parent according to Adam Grant - https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2016/01/how-to-be-a-better-parent-2
I was brought up in a traditional asian household with what John Gottman would call “disapproving parents”, who disapproved of negative emotions and curbed any expression of emotions from us. I definitely want to be a better parent and raise my kids differently from the way I was brought up, especially since I’m so lucky to have access to all these amazing books and advice out there. I’m surprised to see that John Gottman did research not just on successful relationships and how to make them last, but also looked at parenting and how to raise kids with emotional intelligence! This is absolutely wonderful, he’s my new Esther Perel 😍.
I hope these articles are a good start for you, and let me know your thoughts!
How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids according to John Gottman - https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/09/emotionally-intelligent-kids/
How to be a Better Parent according to Adam Grant - https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2016/01/how-to-be-a-better-parent-2
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Birthday thoughts
Here I am, sitting on the plane, popping wasabi peas into my mouth and finally having a moment to myself to reflect and think. I just celebrated my birthday last weekend and up till yesterday - it feels like a super prolonged birthday celebration. In fact, it probably is the longest amount of time over which my friends have been celebrating my birthday!
This year, I feel really loved, surrounded by a bunch of amazing people who care for me. They gave me cards, gifts, birthday cakes, took me out to dinner, and even put on the most public display of a birthday celebration I’ve ever had (and probably will ever have)! My friend played my favorite La La Land medley on the piano at the Flower Piano event at the botanical gardens, and proceeded to get everyone to sing a birthday song for me. I was embarrassed and stunned and happy at the same time! Definitely the most memorable birthday celebration ever.
I also feel infinitely lucky and grateful for all the people in my life today, whether they’ve celebrated my birthday or not. As I told a friend, birthdays don’t mean much to me - it’s just another day - but it’s a day for my friends to celebrate me if they want to, to commemorate our friendship and reaffirm their love for me. I’ve stopped feeling as embarrassed or self-conscious about it, and started recognizing it as a day for people to do something special for me. If it makes everyone happy, why should I make things awkward by being shy about it? To me, the best way to thank my friends and show my appreciation is to enjoy the moment and be happy with the attention.
I also thanked my mum on my birthday, because this is the day she suffered the most while giving birth to me, all those years ago. Thank you mummy, if not for you and all your sacrifices, I wouldn’t be here today.
I’ve been having a really hectic life these days, with barely any time to catch a breather for myself. I’m perennially sleep-deprived, and somehow keeping up work and friends and social life and family and dating is becoming a tough juggling act. Oh and not forgetting my goal of reading 2.5 books a month, and volunteering and writing cloud articles and recruiting and everything else...I’ll really need to prioritize things in my life so I won’t get burned out. I think it’s also because it’s been a year since I last took a proper vacation, so I’m starting to feel the strain of life on me.
I was reading more of Tiny Beautiful Things, and found this quote to be so true for me. It’s been resonating with me and I thought I’d share it as part of my birthday thoughts:
This year, I feel really loved, surrounded by a bunch of amazing people who care for me. They gave me cards, gifts, birthday cakes, took me out to dinner, and even put on the most public display of a birthday celebration I’ve ever had (and probably will ever have)! My friend played my favorite La La Land medley on the piano at the Flower Piano event at the botanical gardens, and proceeded to get everyone to sing a birthday song for me. I was embarrassed and stunned and happy at the same time! Definitely the most memorable birthday celebration ever.
I also feel infinitely lucky and grateful for all the people in my life today, whether they’ve celebrated my birthday or not. As I told a friend, birthdays don’t mean much to me - it’s just another day - but it’s a day for my friends to celebrate me if they want to, to commemorate our friendship and reaffirm their love for me. I’ve stopped feeling as embarrassed or self-conscious about it, and started recognizing it as a day for people to do something special for me. If it makes everyone happy, why should I make things awkward by being shy about it? To me, the best way to thank my friends and show my appreciation is to enjoy the moment and be happy with the attention.
I also thanked my mum on my birthday, because this is the day she suffered the most while giving birth to me, all those years ago. Thank you mummy, if not for you and all your sacrifices, I wouldn’t be here today.
I’ve been having a really hectic life these days, with barely any time to catch a breather for myself. I’m perennially sleep-deprived, and somehow keeping up work and friends and social life and family and dating is becoming a tough juggling act. Oh and not forgetting my goal of reading 2.5 books a month, and volunteering and writing cloud articles and recruiting and everything else...I’ll really need to prioritize things in my life so I won’t get burned out. I think it’s also because it’s been a year since I last took a proper vacation, so I’m starting to feel the strain of life on me.
I was reading more of Tiny Beautiful Things, and found this quote to be so true for me. It’s been resonating with me and I thought I’d share it as part of my birthday thoughts:
What do you do when you don’t know what to do about something?
I talk to Mr Sugar and my friends. I make lists. I attempt to analyze the situation from the perspective of my “best” self — the one that’s generous, reasonable, forgiving, bighearted, and grateful. I think really hard about what I’ll wish I did a year from now. I map out the consequences of the various actions I could take. I ask what my motivations are, whst my desires are, what my fears are, what I have to lose, and what I have to gain. I move toward the light, even if it’s a hard direction in which to move. I trust myself. I keep the faith. I mess up sometimes.
Monday, July 09, 2018
Wondering how long before I succumb to tears
I’m reading this book called Tiny Beautiful Things which is a compilation of letters by Cheryl Strayed, written when she was writing as the Dear Sugar columnist. I just read the first two stories and this book already had me tearing up. It’s overwhelmed me with the fierce force of a hurricane, inundating me with a torrent of sorrow and emotions and raw pain that I can feel with her words, as she painted story after story of struggle and terrible things and helplessness, and how she helped them stand back up again.
An excerpt of the story that made me want to weep - this is about a woman who had lost her baby girl 6 months into her pregnancy. She had called it a miscarriage, but did that really count as a miscarriage? To me, it seemed more like a premature baby that died, that she had given birth to a baby and lost her without even getting the chance to know her.
Here’s what Sugar wrote that resonated with me so much, that I couldn't help letting these tears well up:
This is such a good book - it’s rendered me so emotionally helpless and vulnerable that it feels therapeutic. That now I look with fresh eyes upon the world I live in and just can’t believe how lucky I am to be alive and healthy and loved and cared for, that my troubles simply pale in comparison.
I wonder how long before I succumb to this deluge of emotions, giving in to my tears as I read this book.
An excerpt of the story that made me want to weep - this is about a woman who had lost her baby girl 6 months into her pregnancy. She had called it a miscarriage, but did that really count as a miscarriage? To me, it seemed more like a premature baby that died, that she had given birth to a baby and lost her without even getting the chance to know her.
Here’s what Sugar wrote that resonated with me so much, that I couldn't help letting these tears well up:
“You will never stop loving your daughter. You will never forget her. You will always know her name. But she will always be dead. Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with silence or push it away with words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing — the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change — is entirely and absolutely up to you.”
This is such a good book - it’s rendered me so emotionally helpless and vulnerable that it feels therapeutic. That now I look with fresh eyes upon the world I live in and just can’t believe how lucky I am to be alive and healthy and loved and cared for, that my troubles simply pale in comparison.
I wonder how long before I succumb to this deluge of emotions, giving in to my tears as I read this book.
Thursday, July 05, 2018
Microaggressions
Following my last post on diversity training, I came across this article on microaggressions/unconscious biases at work and thought it's worth sharing - take a read through and let me know your thoughts!
http://www.businessinsider.com/microaggression-unconscious-bias-at-work-2018-6
http://www.businessinsider.com/microaggression-unconscious-bias-at-work-2018-6
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