Good Day

Life’s been pretty stressful and busy these days, but yesterday I had a really good day, and thought I’d memorialize it here. I’m just grateful and appreciated it that things went well for me this one day, especially after weeks and months of slog, stress, frustration and feeling helpless to change anything (most of it is work-related but that’s how the corporate world is these days). I’m probably burned out.

So here are four wonderful things that made my day yesterday:

1. I was featured for a volunteering award, which is a great honor! It’s nice to be recognized for the long volunteering hours I’ve put in over the years 😊
2. I presented at my company’s office all hands yesterday and our CEO was visiting, so I got to present to him! He remembered my name afterwards so that was cool. Lots of people engaged in my presentation and told me I did a great job, definitely glad to have pulled it off smoothly 😅
3. My client told me he heard from another stakeholder that I’m “brilliant” and that they should keep me on the project! Love it when I get unsolicited compliments, frankly I thought I had offended someone at the client so super relieved to hear it was a compliment instead 😂
4. I got some lovely Portuguese egg tarts from Holy Nata and they’re so delicious! I had two with cinnamon sprinkled on top, yummy!! Love it when I enjoy good food and can share with my hubby ❤️

That’s it for now. Remember no matter how tough life seems, step back and take a deep breath. Appreciate what you do have, the little things in life, and maybe that can help you feel grounded and happy again.

Thought I’d share this song by IU since that fits the theme of today’s post - it’s one of my favorites and always perks me up when I’m down! 

My First FPS - Part 2 Update!

Hello friends! I’m back again - so soon after the last one you ask? Well I’ve been inspired to give another update on my penultimate post where I blogged about my first FPS game! Take a read through to refresh your memory here. Disclaimer that this is another super long post about a video game.

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If you can recall, last August I finally got out of Bronze 5 rank in this first-person shooter game called Overwatch 2, which made sooo happy! I was hard stuck Bronze 5 for 6 months, and mind you Bronze 5 is the lowest of many ranks in the game. It was definitely demoralizing stuck in the same low rank for so long, but that made me feel infinitely rewarded when I finally ranked out of it to Bronze 4! In that post, I ended on a hopeful note:

“I will continue to try and see if I can improve and get to Bronze 3, or even (dare I say it)...Silver? We shall see.”

Dare I say it indeed. Well within the next 2 weeks, I had rocketed up through the ranks from Bronze 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 to Silver 5 and then Silver 4! What a huge jump from when I was hard stuck for 6 months!

Well then what next? I ended up hard stuck in Silver 4 for the next 2 months, which was impossibly hard to get out of, then I managed to hit Silver 3 once, before ranking down promptly again. Sigh. And then over time I got up to Silver 3, to Silver 2, to Silver 1. Unbelievable!

I’m sooo close to being Gold, which has been a reach goal of mine and frankly a dream, a dream really to keep me motivated to keep playing. But a dream I never actually believed I could reach.

How many of my friends were stuck in Silver and never ever got out of it? I have seen so many posts and videos of veteran OW1 and 2 players who never got out of Bronze and Silver for 7 years! Who am I to get to Gold when so many have tried and failed? 

What’s more, I’m a stubborn person who refused to play other support heroes besides Kiriko; I pretty much am a one-trick who refused to switch even when I’m losing or being countered. I believe I will get better only by playing against all kinds of team comps, regardless of being countered! But my goodness, it was really tough in many games. I felt like giving up.

I who have persevered for so long in Bronze, I told myself that I should not be afraid of being stuck in Silver for another 6 months. I reminded myself that it’s already such an amazing achievement to have gotten out of Bronze 5, not to mention be in Silver at all. I’m already grateful to have improved and learned more about the game, and to have become so much better than I was mere months ago. I should just focus on myself, on one thing at a time, and get better slowly, but surely.

Then it happened. I hit Gold 5 briefly, ranked back down, then on December 31, I ranked up to Gold 5 again!! Hurray!!!

I proceeded to rank up another level to Gold 4, and then struggled between Gold 4 and 5 for a long while. I figured I may stop playing ranked games in order to preserve my Gold rank till end of season (which should be early Feb), and maybe try playing Tank or DPS roles instead. My goal has been to end the season on Gold rank, so I could get the Gold Role Challenger title.

A friend of mine in the game ended up encouraging me to keep playing, and he partnered with me to play together. Another miracle started happening, we began to rank up together from Gold 4 to 3 to 2 to 1….

Annnnndddd I’m pleased to announce that I’ve achieved something I’ve never in my wildest dreams imagined. I’ve joined the Platinum community, even if it’s just for the briefest moment, even if it’s undeserved - I’m just shell-shocked. Overwhelmed with happiness and disbelief. I want to memorialize this moment so it will go down in my gaming history that I’ve achieved something wildly impossible. On Monday, Jan 8th, history was made:

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That’s it for now friends. I figure I’ll probably lose and rank back down to Gold, but at least I feel confident that I can stay in Gold, and having ranked this high makes me feel hopeful and motivated to keep striving to do better in this game. It’s not all about ranks, but really how often is it that a 6-month Bronze 5 could end up ranking up to Platinum? (How often does anyone actually play for that long in Bronze and keep playing 😅?) I want to ask the entire OW2 community just to find kindred spirits who can understand what this really means! This is absolutely wild.

Next season, I will do my best. I secretly (or openly?) admire this OW2 gamer who started out as Silver/Gold and had ranked up one rank per season, until she’s now Diamond. We played PUGs (pick-up games) together twice and she’s really good. She’s the only other person I know who started in a low rank and went up so many ranks. It’s not quite the same as starting from Bronze 5, but now I kind-of wonder if I could do the same and reach Diamond? Maybe it’s not that far out of reach… 

Homecoming Tears

I’m home for 9 days and the moment my mom saw me, she teared up and reached out to give me a hug. She’d never done that before. We are not a hugging family, we never said I love you, never hugged, and we don’t give words of affirmation or physical touch.

I was surprised but happy to see how much she had missed me, that she had shed tears (of happiness? of missing me?) and wanted a hug. Because I lived so far away, I go home once a year or longer. I felt guilty seeing those tears, I was being so awkward 😐. I don’t really think about my family as much as I probably should. That was certainly a very overwhelming homecoming moment, I just wanted to blog here so I’ll remember it.

I’m doing a small wedding dinner (70 ppl??) and Chinese tea ceremony with my relatives this trip. It’s become a whole THING but I’ll be glad when it happens so it’ll be over. I’ll try to enjoy it as much as possible too.

Thinking it over, my mom probably teared up because it’s the first time she got to see me wearing my wedding ring. Now that I see myself in the mirror in my childhood home, I feel it too. I’m now grown up and married away. I’m no longer her daughter as much as I’m a wife and woman. It’s probably pretty overwhelming for her too, since she hasn’t had much time to adjust to the idea. I feel sad, happy and just a bunch of mixed emotions. It’s kind-of weird.

My First FPS!

Hello friends! I'm back to talk about this video game I've been into for the past couple of months - Overwatch 2! Beware - this will be a pretty long post about game stuff, so please bear with me.

OW2 is a team-based 5v5 first-person shooter (FPS) video game. I have been watching my hubby play it for years now, and I've never really been interested in it. I've also heard about it from other people (all guys) who play it, and seems like it's pretty popular among adults even in their late twenties and thirties. Interesting.

Then my hubby got a new PC and handed off his old PC, keyboard and headphones to me - which meant I could play video games now! I was attracted by the pretty colors and graphics in OW2 and the cool-looking heroes, so I decided to try it out. I haven't really played an FPS - I did try playing my brother's Quake III Arena game a looong time ago when I was a kid, but I got so dizzy I just gave up after 1 or 2 tries. 

So yes this is definitely my first team-based FPS game! I started off by playing support (there were support, damage (DPS) or tank heroes), as healing was easier than having to actually shoot in the game. So my aim was horrible, I had no game sense, no awareness of environment, and was constantly dying because people would come from behind me or from the sides (what they call "flanking" or "off-angle"). I even felt dizzy or had a headache after playing for a while. Over time, I got used to it and stopped feeling dizzy, and learned that I could hear people from behind, above me or from the sides, and their footsteps sound louder when they're close by! Now that helped me not die as much.

Then I learned that when I'm getting hit, there would be this red blotching graphic outlining my screen that shows which direction I'm being hit from. So if I'm being hit from behind, it would outline the bottom of my screen, whereas if I'm hit from the left, it would outline the left-side of the screen. Also helped me figure out where to hide / not die as much.

Then I learned there were different secret rooms / areas in the different maps, and watched videos to learn how I can play better. Then I learned that there are certain team compositions that could work better together, and also different heroes to counter certain enemy heroes' abilities. 

It was such a steep learning curve to learning not just how to play an FPS, but also the game rules,  movement mechanics, aim, the maps, and the different hero abilities, and how to play well as a team. I can understand now the allure of OW2 and why folks play it for years and years, and still come back to it. That it's even a competitive esport! (though it seems like that may be going away).

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When I first started, I was so afraid to play with real people, as I didn't want to mess things up and cause my team to lose constantly. I knew I was bad, and I felt so bad bringing the team down. So I kept playing in the practice range and in custom AI-games where I'm playing with/against bots. I pretty much told myself I prefer playing it safe with AI bots, it's less stressful and was fun this way too!

However, my hubby was constantly encouraging me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. He said I could just turn off chat so I couldn't see anything toxic / mean that people say (and OW2 is known for people being mean in team and match chats). I learned this the hard way when someone said "healer diff" and that was referring to me. I didn't know what that meant and had to look it up! One guy even said I should learn the proper game mechanics, and I felt so sad. (That was also for the support hero Mercy - she requires a lot of practice with how to fly and move around in the game).

But none of them were wrong, they were absolutely right! After I turned off chat, I improved significantly as I just focused on learning the game, and focusing on one thing at a time. I focused on using better cover, better positioning. I experimented with high ground, and different heroes. I also focused on better aim by doing aim training (and my aim + strafing is much better now!) I then focused on turning around every few seconds, making sure I'm aware of where my team is at all times, but also where enemies might be coming from. I almost expect the enemy to be coming from behind, above and the sides to kill me in the back, so I remind myself to turn to check. Checking the blind spots. It's just like checking the mirrors and blind spots while driving xD, except under much higher stress circumstances.

While I still kept losing, I stopped losing as much! I remember that my win rate used to be a third for the longest time, around 33-40%, and my hubby told me the average should be around 50% (as >50% helps you rank up, and <50% makes you rank down). One day, before I knew it, I started winning 40%, then 50+% of my games! I have no idea how it happened, but that did help me gain some confidence to move to the next stage...

Where I started playing competitive ranked matches! This was even more stressful, but the matchmaking would be more balanced, so I could really see if I'm improving. I was placed in the lowest possible rank - Bronze 5. (For context, there's Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, Diamond, Masters, Grandmasters - and 5 levels within each of those ranks. So yes I am pretty bad). I did console myself that it's ok I'm in Bronze 5, because a lot of other people who have experience playing FPS also get stuck in Bronze 5 with me.

Because Bronze 5 is a catch-all rank at the bottom, it's impossibly hard to get out of it as there are many players who are new to the game or just not very good, who can be on your team and make you lose. Unless I'm good enough to "carry" my team and win -- which is difficult to do as a support hero. Also, I think the OW2 matchmaking does something where they match you with much lower ranked teammates as you get higher ranked, which is tougher in Bronze 5 as there's high skill variability and high chance of getting people who have no idea how to play.

So here I am, struggling, and I started off somewhere around 34% better than other players in Bronze 5. Over time I started winning more than I lost, and got to around 50% in Bronze 5. I made friends with a really good tank who's also been stuck at Bronze 5 forever, and he's at 75%, so I set that as my goal to improve and get to 75%. I thought that if I could get to his level, that meant I was really good, since he's so good at playing. 

When I finally hit that goal, I then set my next goal to get out of Bronze 5 (i.e., get to Bronze 4).

Last season, I ended up at my all-time high of 92% (with the help of grouping with friends)! But then I couldn't win anymore on my own, and lost a series of 7-10 games and dropped back down to 60+%, and then climbed back up to 76%. I realized that on my own, I would consistently just be around 75-80%, and couldn't win more. The moment I got past 80%, I kept losing as I kept getting bad DPS and tanks on my team.

Anyhow, this season I all but gave up on ever climbing out of Bronze 5. I was set on doing it on my own, as I believed that I'm getting better, except that I'm not so sure anymore with each loss I had. 

3 weeks ago, my tank friend got out of Bronze 5. I was happy for him, but felt demoralized that I'm still stuck. And then another friend ranked out of Bronze 5, then yet another, then yet another! 3 other friends, one-by-one, did it and I felt so left behind. So abandoned, but also even more demoralized that I would never be able to make it.

One of my friends even ranked up to Silver 4 within 1 week! I was amazed and soooo jealous! I'm just thinking, I could never make it on my own. So I started playing competitive games only with my friends who are good players, so at least we had a more consistent level of quality in teamwork and gameplay.

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And yesterday, I finally did it!! I ranked up to Bronze 4 yesterday, and that felt like a dream come true. After months and months of trying, and improving, and losing, and feeling so demoralized, it felt like a hero's journey to be able to say I did it! 

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I feel like I learned so much by spending time in a video game like this, as it's completely different from any other games I've played. It's just so much harder, as it required actual practice and physical endurance, hand-eye coordination, split-second decision making, and repetitive aim training and mechanics. In a way, I understand now why it's a sport. There are many similarities with other typical sports!

I learned how to be a good team player, but also when's the right time to be selfish and just save myself. Or when I should go flank / dive and kill other enemies instead of healing. I have to make so many split-second, semi-conscious decisions, that made it extra challenging. I'm surprised and impressed that I took such a risk to play this game, and that when I turned chat back on, I'm not as affected by the toxic comments. In fact I started getting compliments / shoutouts like "godlike healer" and "ily supports" (short for "i love you"). It was validating - to feel that I'm now a good, useful team player instead of just being deadweight!

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Oh yes, and I learned a ton of gamer acronyms - and am still constantly learning new terms. GG, GR, GLHF, MB, LOS, flank, dive, poke, brawl, group up, fall back, carry, among other terms. I feel so cool now everytime I learn something new.

Hm I also learned slang that Gen Z folks are using. There are a lot of high school and college-age kids who play OW2, and in one funny instance - I found out that one of my OW2 friends was in high school and when I told him my age, he's like "Is it weird to say that my mom is your age"? That definitely left me dumbfounded. It made me feel old, but also - what have I been doing with my life?! I could have a kid in high school playing OW2!! xD

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The best parts of the game are the "hail mary" miracle moments, which make up for all the bad, tough times. Just like in any sport, sometimes we are losing badly, but we take a risky move and end up carrying the game and win! That feels SOOO GOOD. Having the feeling of giving up, hopelessness, disappointment, that "sigh we'll never win this", then "omg I can't believe we did it!!" That made me feel it viscerally - that you should never give up until the very very end. Play your best game - you never know what can happen!

The feelings of camaraderie, of teamwork making the dream work - that absolutely makes me want to keep playing OW2. It compensates for the feelings of sadness, frustration and disappointment when I lose. In some cases, even when I lose, I still feel happy or good if our team fought the good fight and did our best!

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I still have a long way to go in getting better - I still flinch, and physically move my body away when someone is shooting at me. I need better game sense, aim, taking risks, learning more about the game, each character and dynamics. 

It's by no means the end of OW2 for me yet - I will continue to try and see if I can improve and get to Bronze 3, or even (dare I say it)...Silver? We shall see.

P.S. feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to fangirl/boy over OW2 (or other FPS games). These days, the only thing I enjoy more than playing OW2 is talking about it :)

Wedding Day

Hello friends, it’s been a long while since I last posted. Dropping by just to say - I’m getting married on Monday! 

I didn’t think much of it as first, just thought it’s signing of a piece of paper and nothing’s really going to change.

But now that the date is almost here, I’m getting excited! I booked a hair and makeup person and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do - learn how a makeup person does makeup properly for me, so maybe I can learn how to do it nicely myself in the future as well ahehe. But also feeling pampered and splurging a little on myself!

I’m feeling happy :)

Long time no see

Hi friends!

Long time no see indeed...I haven't posted for 9 months! Definitely been a while, I have so many updates in my life that I don't know where to begin. It both felt like a lot happened but at the same time, nothing much's changed. I guess that's how it's like in a COVID world isn't it? 

Or maybe I'm just getting old and that's how things are at my life stage.

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First off - the big news is that I've been in Singapore for the past 5 months. I came back Dec 30 and stayed here ever since. This is mainly because of work visa issues (my work visa expired and we're still waiting for my green card). I'm seeing this as a positive thing as much as I can - that I haven't had the chance to come home because of COVID and this is a rare opportunity for me to live and work in Singapore as an adult, and spend time with family. I finally get to see what it's like!

Some things felt the same as when I was a child (in both good and bad ways), while there are subtle changes to my family's routines/patterns. I've definitely had to adjust and learn how to manage my life differently living with my parents, especially while doing work from home and figuring out how to "train" my parents to my ways of living/working. Making sure they respect my boundaries, and at the same time learning to accommodate them. Not to mention with COVID, my parents are retired and at home and don't go out as much as they used to. It's definitely interesting to have your parents as your roommates when you're now an adult. 

One of my bosses used to say this, "Think you've achieved enlightenment? Try living with your parents for 2 weeks." That is exactly how I feel - all the great work I've done on myself to grow, improve, be zen and chill about things, to let things go and don't let negativity get to me - all got undone within minutes of my parents opening their mouth. Little things they say just trigger me so and set my emotions haywire, it's unbelievable. This is the reason why therapy is needed indeed, everyone will have parent issues to work through, and figuring out how to manage those emotions and triggering situations is definitely no small feat.

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What's difficult for me is the uncertainty of my immigration status - I don't know for sure when I can go back to the US. It was supposed to be just 4-5 months, but now it's looking like it might be 9-10 months. It's just really disruptive to my life back in the US - my volunteering work, my job, my career progression, my relationship and friendships. When people say oh you're so lucky your company let you work for so long from Singapore, I get kind of upset about it in my head. It's not that my company "let me", it's all a series of unfortunate events/timing because of my company getting acquired and there's no choice. I have to work from outside the US, or I can quit/stop working. Only 2 choices.

So yeah, they better let me keep working from Singapore, or they've got to let me go for something that is not my fault. 

The sad angry stuff aside, I'm making the most of my time back home and trying to look on the bright side of things.

I haven't really tried to think too much about it, but I know I've been feeling very stressed about this uncertainty and immigration/work issues since last May, and it's been a non-stop marathon since then. I haven't felt stressed about anything for this long before - 1 year and still going! I've felt like having a mental breakdown probably twice so far, feeling burned out and really wanting to give up, maybe just taking a sabbatical. I thought I might have wanted to move out by now, or just take a break from work. But I haven't given up (yet) - I made things work - at work, life, friends, love, volunteering, family. Somehow, somehow, I'm still persevering. 

Guess I'm more resilient than I think, huh. 

I should do more meditation and mindfulness breathing, to really de-stress. I must say, about 99% of the time I don't think about it and so I'm pretty happy, but 1% of the time when I do think about it, I feel anger and helplessness and frustration. I feel lack of control and I want to rage against who knows what.

I haven't really been able to express that properly, my anger and fears and frustration. But maybe I can here. Maybe that's what I'm doing here, right now.

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Something that's been very helpful for me is this game called Sky: Children of the Light. I have been playing it since last October thanks to my boyfriend mentioning it to me. He actually mentioned Journey first, which was made by the same game company (TGC), but I wasn't sure about a paid game. He then mentioned Sky, which is a free-to-play game. The game allows me to explore new worlds, new activities, so much so that it now feels like a second home to me. It’s definitely good for my visual & spatial memory skills xD

Sky is a beautiful place to connect with others around the world and make new friends, and it's also a way to listen to peaceful in-game music and to learn to play music together with others. It's been really therapeutic for me playing Sky, it's definitely made me feel more calm and less lonely. It's interesting how games can be beneficial to your mental health, especially when time hangs heavy on your hands (since I'm not going out as much haha). 

I've also been feeling uplifted by the wonderful Sky community and friends I meet in the game, all of whom have been younger (in some cases much younger). It's cool to see the world through their eyes, learn about their life and culture and perspectives. It makes me feel useful to help and mentor others, while allowing me to forget about my own stresses at the same time.

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These days I've been letting my introverted self reign. I have been using COVID as an excuse to not meet people, and I discovered that I'm such a homebody - I just enjoy alone time so much! It's odd because I usually do enjoy spending time with others as well, but in the past 2 years I've been happily staying home and puttering around doing stuff on my own, or going on long random walks on my own. In hindsight, it's probably because I still feel connected to others, just through virtual means?

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I'm watching a lot of kdramas and random shows on Disneyplus, Netflix, Prime - you name it and I am watching it/have watched it. I've been reading books again, albeit much slower this year than last year (because I'm spending 1-2h/day playing Sky instead of reading!). I'm also taking on a leadership role with my volunteering so I'm spending more time on that. Lastly, I'm also taking this cool UC Berkeley class for alumni about extreme politics, run by Professor Darren Zook. I'm learning so much about what left/far-left means vs right/far-right, it's fascinating! 

Right now, I'm reading a book about Syrian history, civil war and crisis, and I'm making connections between what I'm reading and what I've learned in extreme politics. It's a great feeling when you realize you've leveled up - that you've understood the nuances of a topic much better, because you've just learned about it elsewhere. I have never been interested in politics and history before, I used to think they're such boring and useless topics. How wrong I've been!

I feel so empowered and knowledgeable now as I learn more about politics/history, especially since I can apply my knowledge to the Syria crisis and other crises around the world. I feel so curious and humbled by what I don't know. I've been feeling wondrous feelings these days as I learn and soak up more knowledge - and all this is just in my head. I haven't told anyone else this, so you're the first to read it here. I FEEL SO ALIVE THESE DAYS! 

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All right that's it for my update. Sorry for the long rambling post, I've been writing down my stream-of-consciousness thoughts. For each of the topics I brought up above, I could probably ramble on for hours, so reach out to me if you want to catch up and discuss about anything. 

Cheers!

Singing About Rain

We're about to get some rainy weather this weekend...it will be the first real rain of the season! It did mean moving some of our outdoor plans around, but California is in need of the rain so I'm glad. 

Mid-autumn festival is coming up on Tuesday, and I realized we don't have any mooncakes. I'm too lazy to go to Chinatown and get some, or to go wait in line for some really good mooncakes. Is there any good mooncake delivery service available?

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I've been feeling pretty burned out and down these past months because of work, work, and more work, and feeling like I don't have enough break or time to myself. I finally booked some time off to go to Hawaii next month - I can't wait and am super excited! I really want to get away, travel, and not think about work or life for a while. 

Hope this trip will refresh me, and it's definitely something to look forward to and tide me through for the next 2 months or so.

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On to singing about rain... - did any of you manage to guess the next song cover I did? 

-Drum roll-

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It's Nan Quan Ma Ma's Xia Yu Tian (下雨天), which literally means Rainy Day. I used to hate the song because it ends on this weird minor note, and I would sing in my head to end it on a major note. But the more I listened to it, the more it caught on...and now it's one of my favorite go-to karaoke songs!

It's actually quite hard to sing because it's a little jazzy and a little sad and on an awkward high key, but I gave it a try anyway. I sang it a little differently from the original singer Lara, and hope you'll enjoy!

Happy Chinese Birthday

It's my Chinese lunar birthday today - 6th day of the 6th lunar month. This also means it's almost my birthday, the big 3-0! Unbelievable how time flies...I used to have a list of things I wanted to achieve by the 3rd decade of my life, like get married, have kids, etc. 

Now I don't really care about achieving xyz by a certain age anymore. I'm glad I've matured well and am living life away from chasing the usual success milestones, but I still have a long way to go. 

To me, 30 is really the beginning of the best part of my life, as I finally have the $$, freedom, independence and maturity to be who I want to be, do whatever I want, and really enjoy life. I'm looking forward to it!

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On a side note, I recorded a new song cover a while back, but just didn't feel like putting it up because I thought it sounded horrible. Today when I listened to it again, I thought it's not so bad, so why not post it?

I know it's been a while since I last recorded a song, so here you go! This song is rain-themed - and is one of my favorite songs by Rainie Yang. In English, it literally translates to "Rain Love", which is a nod to Rainie's moniker.

My next song cover will also be rain-themed - can you guess what song it is? Hint: it's a popular Chinese song - PM me if you think you know what it is!

Bruiser’s Death Anniversary

Today marks the day that Bruiser passed a year ago. Google Photos showed me photo memories of what happened on this day in past years, and it showed me pictures of Bruiser on his last day. 

Tears well up in my eyes, as I remember what happened leading up to his death. My heart aches for our beloved dog and how he’d suffered. Now that I’ve interacted with more dogs and have a better idea of how they behave, I wished I had more time with Bruiser, that I’d known him earlier.

I only got to know him in his last 2 years of life, when he’s considered an old dog. I wish I’d known him when he was young and energetic. I wish I’d known him at a point where I’ve become more comfortable with dogs, so I wouldn’t be afraid of playing with him. 

If I’d known I would feel this way now, would I have done anything differently? The irony is that it was only because of Bruiser that I’d learned to be more comfortable with dogs, to be less afraid. Bruiser’s changed me so much, that the me now couldn’t have existed without him.

He’s the best, most well behaved, loving and caring dog I’ve ever met. He’s possibly the best dog I ever will meet. 

This was my first real encounter with death, grief and loss. I miss him, much more than I thought I would. Even though it’s been a year, I still think of him from time to time. When I see other shibas or when I play with other dogs, I think of Bruiser. I bring him up with my bf once in a while. I see his pictures on the Google Home Screen and I reminisce, I smile. Bruiser shall always have a little place in my heart. 

I wonder if I’ll continue to remember him when I see shibas or dogs that look like him. I wonder if I’ll always remember this day, June 26. I wonder if I’ll still cry in the years to come, if the ache lessens year after year, if it eventually fades. 

One year on, Bruiser continues to teach me long after he’s gone. He’s teaching me patience, love, and how to mourn. He’s giving me the chance to observe my own feelings of loss and how I react to them, to my thoughts of him, to his pictures. He’s making me learn the value of memories and nostalgia, and my longing to have known him younger and pain free. He’s teaching me to see dogs in a very different light.

He’s teaching me to see life in a very different light.

Wherever he is, I hope he’s resting in peace.

The book is here!

The free Goodreads Giveaway book that I won is finally here! Took about 4 weeks, which is much shorter than I’d thought :)

It’s been a long while since I last held a hardcover book in my hand, freshly printed. It brings me much joy and nostalgia holding this and admiring the beautiful cover and illustrations.

I’m still in the middle of getting through my list of 3-4 books, so I’ll wait till I’m done before I dive into this book. Definitely looking forward to reading a physical book again!

What are the odds?

I just won a Goodreads Giveaway! I've been signing up for these Giveaways for YEARS and never once won...until now! 

For this book I won, they were offering 50 copies but 5,561 people requested it. This means I had 0.9% chance of winning the book. Not that high, and for once I was the 0.9% that got it :)

Maybe it's time to go buy 4D (or the lottery)...

I don't know if the book will be good or not, but I certainly hope so. They'll be sending me a physical copy in 8-10 weeks. It's a collection of fairytales, and I'm excited to find out what new fairytales look like (that's not the usual Grimm's fairytales). 

On a random note, those of you who are my friends on Goodreads, you may have noticed I've been on a reading spree in the past few weeks. Yes, I've been obsessed with a few YA book series, and also have been re-reading some of my favorite authors (Michael Crichton, Megan Whalen Turner). I found out that Megan had published two more books in the Queen's Thief series, but I couldn't quite remember what happened in the original 4. So...I'm re-reading all of them just so I can understand the 2 new ones haha. 

I just can't put down my Kindle these days. I'm taking some time off work in the next week, so I'll be spending all my free time reading. Even now, I have 8 books on loan from the library, 7 books on hold, and I can't wait to finish all of them in the next few weeks!

Yes, I may end up having to adjust my reading goals up from 35 to 40 or 50 this year....we'll see how far I can get.

Celebrating Wins - Slay the Spire Achievement!

Disclaimer: this is a post about a game I'm playing. Apologies in advance if my explanations were overcomplicated or oversimplified. TLDR: I finally achieved 2 huge milestones in the game, after spending a lot of time and hard work at it. I'm celebrating!!

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Since October last year, I've been playing this game called "Slay the Spire". My bf had been playing it for 2+ years at that point, and whenever I was busy with something else, he was playing it. Generally he would spend anywhere between 15min and 1h on the game at a time, which doesn't seem like too much to me so I didn't mind. In the meantime, I could go take a shower, read, watch my shows, take a walk, or do my own things.

I'd always dismissed it as yet another game he plays and didn't pay much attention to it. One day in October (I think it was late Oct, either Oct 22 or Oct 28), he introduced me to the game. He said - why don't you try it? 

For the uninitiated, Slay the Spire is a roguelike video game based on cards, and your character has to "climb" and survive 50 floors (split into 3 acts) in order to complete a run. At the end of each act, you have to fight a boss, so it's a total of 3 bosses you're fighting in order to win. On each floor, you use your card deck to fight monsters to get gold, potions and/or new cards, or you may open chests to obtain relics and gold, or get to a shop so you can buy relics, potions or cards. You can also go to campfires to heal or upgrade your cards. You have limited health, the monsters attack you, so you can easily die on any floor. The floors get harder the higher you climb, so it's more likely you die. That means you have to make your card deck stronger floor by floor, in order to match the increasing difficulty level of the monsters and bosses.

As it turns out, there are 20 Ascension Levels (i.e., difficulty levels), which makes it even harder to win the higher your Ascension Level. There's quite a lot of decision making, probability, and strategy you have to think about in terms of choosing the right paths, order, and cards to take, cards to play, etc. That first time I played, my bf taught me how to play and we were playing at Ascension Level 14, which was relatively difficult. I managed to get to Act 2 Boss, which was 2/3 of the way up before I died. My bf was surprised and impressed - he often died in Act 1 and I managed to make it all the way to Act 2 Boss my very first try!

I was instantly attracted to the game. We created another profile for me, so I could start playing from the ground up at Ascension 0. There were 4 characters to choose from, so I would clear each of them at one Ascension Level, before I moved on to the next Ascension Level. 

I finished clearing all 20 Ascension Levels on 3/22 - this was 5 months after I started playing the game. For context, only 4% of all players get here. It took me around 300 hours in total at this point across the 4 characters, but it's not just because I was clearing those levels. There is also a hidden Act 4, which is a secret ending that's extra difficult. You have to collect 3 keys along your run (which in itself was at the expense of healing / upgrading / getting relics, etc). Then when you get to Act 4, you had to fight 2 powerful elites, then finally fight a Corrupt Heart, which is extremely dangerous and extra hard to kill.

I cleared this Act 4 and killed the Heart at Ascension 0 for all 4 characters last December, but it took a lot more time than I'd expected. It was definitely not easy even at the easiest level. Now that I finally made it to Ascension 20, I'm tackling the ultimate difficulty level - clearing this secret ending and killing the Heart at Ascension 20. 

Very few players manage to do this, so it's almost become an academic exercise. How can I optimize my gameplay, deckbuilding, pathing to win? I'm watching professional gamers and seeing how they play, what they choose, and what advice they give. I'm playing game after game after game, experimenting with my gameplay, seeing if I luck out. I'm trying cards I never pick, strategies I don't usually make, or synergies I've never tried before. It's taking a lot more time and effort than I'd put into anything else in my life right now.

The reason I'm posting today, is because I finally managed to clear Ascension 20 Heart for 2 of the characters (Ironclad + Silent). There's 2 more characters to go, but I'm so grateful that I wanted to take a moment to pause and be appreciative of how lucky I've been, to celebrate my wins. That the stars aligned and finally rewarded my time, effort and hard work. That I managed to achieve something I set out to do, that I really wanted to achieve. Yayy!

P.S. If you're looking for a game recommendation, I highly recommend Slay the Spire! If you do end up playing it, talk to me - I'd be happy to discuss it!

Obama’s Book - A Promised Land

I just finished reading President Obama’s new book, which focuses on his journey from grassroots activism, rise to the US Senate, presidency, and his first term of the presidency. It’s started my political awakening - I’m much more enlightened about US politics, how it works, and why it’s so difficult to get anything done. I felt both more hopeful and more hopeless about things changing in the US democracy - in a way because we give voice to all, we end up giving voice to none.

I learned how as a president, Obama had to weigh each decision along political lines, how to garner support from both Democrats and Republicans, and that generally the opposing political party just flat out refused to cooperate or vote in his favor. Even if it made sense to do so, or that it would make thousands or millions of lives better, they chose to give the president a hard time in the hopes that he will fail and look bad, so they can take power next election.

This is just politicking. It’s not helping the people, it’s an excuse to get votes from more extreme sides of the political divide, and not wanting to be seen as cooperative or helping “the other side”. This is horrifying, that politics is literally driving this country apart. What would democracy lead to, if not a pitting of one side against the other? Would it end up in civil war? Are we humans doomed to always fighting each other?

When and how can we work together to make the world a better place, without the need to put each other down? On big issues like climate change, foreign policy, human rights, racism - there are so many things we need to work together on. It’s frustrating to read about them in Obama’s book and see what he has to deal with from his Congress. This is why I don’t like politics, and I think being president is a really tough and unenviable job.

No matter what the president did, someone would hate on it - whether it’s the ones opposing what he's doing, or the ones complaining he's not doing enough. Moreover, he had to make a lot of speeches - a lot of speeches! It’s quite crazy reading about what his day to day was like, and how he came up with various options and alternatives as he made decisions on each issue. It’s like a CEO who has to manage multiple adversarial, powerful stakeholders with their own agendas, and run a giant bureaucratic company without sinking the ship. At the same time, he had to manage his branding and the public’s opinion of every decision or non-decision he made. He’s also at risk of being assassinated, his life and his family being subject to scrutiny and attack, and being restricted in places to go, etc. What a tough job. What a tough life.

I cried more than I ever had for any book - romance, tragedy, or tearjerker - and I’m frankly surprised at how emotional I got at Obama’s writing. He has a way to pull at your heartstrings, for you to become passionate about his wins or losses, and make you feel touched simply through words. I can understand how that makes him such a good president. He knows how to tell a good story, and use the right anecdotes to relate to the people.

For those of you interested in the book - be forewarned that his book is not easy reading. It took me 19+ hours to finish, and over 3 weeks (mostly during my holiday break). It’s hard to read more than 1 or 2 chapters at a time, as it will make you reflect and turn introspective - about your life, your choices, your impact on the world. About politics, society and our very human nature. It makes you question and then hope that all the little things we struggle through will end up making a difference.

I gave the book 5/5 stars, and you can read my Goodreads review if you’d like to learn more. Also for those of you who are reading / has read it - message me! I’d love to discuss some of your thoughts on it as well :)

Rainie's New Songs!!

Ahhh I’m so excited! Rainie Yang has a new album that's coming out on November 6 - in fact she's already released 4 of the songs. I like her new hairstyle and look in this album - she always experiments with her hair length, color and style for each album. It's almost a thing to identify which Rainie album/era a song is from just by her hair haha.

The first song is called "Bad Lady", which is a catchy dance song about female power. You'll recognize a lot of cultural references, like Harley Quinn from the Joker, and Cruella De Vil from 101 Dalmatians. Rainie said she wasn't going to do any more dance songs, but she ended up doing this after all. In the midst of COVID - I'm quite impressed that she's putting in so much effort to prepare, rehearse the choreography, and making these songs.

The second song is "Singing in the Rain", which is my favorite so far! It's more jazzy and a little different from her usual pop style. I really like her venturing into this laidback chill vibes, I've been listening more and more to songs in this style these days. I think her voice is well suited to it, and I hope she makes more music like this.

The third song is a collaboration with Cyndi Wang, called "Girls". Watching the behind the scenes and Rainie's social media posts...wow I didn't know they were so close! I used to like Cyndi when I was in my teens, but I’ve always liked Rainie better; Cyndi's a little too cutesy and unnatural-looking... either way I'm really liking the strong female vibes from this album! 

The fourth song is another favorite of mine, mostly because of the story behind it. "Like a Star" is just released today, and I started tearing up as I watched it. It documented Rainie's entire career of over 21 years from its humble beginnings, through hosting the entertainment show "Guess", through acting, singing, and becoming famous. I've been a fan for all this time, so I got all the references to each scene. I definitely felt a lot of nostalgia walking down memory lane with her, and it's amazing how she hasn't aged at all over the years. Or maybe it's the amazing things that makeup and Asian genes can do haha. This song is definitely for the fans out there.

You should check out these music videos if you're interested! They're all in Chinese but they have English subtitles in closed caption, and the storylines are quite easy to follow. Let me know if you like any of her music, it would be great to fangirl (or fanboy) over Rainie together :D.

Reflecting on Minor Feelings

I just finished this book called “Minor Feelings” by Cathy Park Hong, who is a Korean American writer and poet. The book is a collection of essays where she explores her Asian American identity, feelings of shame and depression, dynamics with her female artistic friends, and about her family. 

In the first half of the book, I didn’t really like it. The writing was really good, very poetic and beautifully written, almost too difficult for me to understand with all her big words and strong stances. It’s the kind of book that is meant to be hard to read, that is provocative and pushed you out of your comfort zone. It’s meant to make you reflect and think about the issues that Asians face in America, and evoke emotions, make you want to DO something about it. 

It was weird, and indeed it made me feel uncomfortable reading it. All I wanted was some easy reading, and I didn’t want to do any work on myself or around the topics. I didn’t quite relate to some of her issues as I grew up as part of the Chinese majority in Singapore, with all the privileges associated with it. Even though now I experience some of the issues as an immigrant Asian in the US, even as I can understand and empathize, it still feels somewhat foreign. I also didn’t relate to the artistic or activist sentiments that Cathy felt strongly about, I’m all for peace and comfort - somehow her provocative stance offended my sensibilities. It makes me want to say - not my problem - and move on.

It wasn’t until the last essay that her story resonated very strongly with me. She wrote about how the US had not treated Asians or other non-white groups fairly in its history, and still doesn’t in many ways. It reminded me of why I came here in the first place, with my naive, stereotypical belief in the American dream of freedom and land of opportunity. It feels like a betrayal to me (and my family) that I chose this country over my home country, this very country that didn’t seem to value my Asian or immigrant identities. While I’m grateful for all the opportunities I’ve received here, it doesn’t condone all the wrongs that the US has done against Asians. 

Cathy wrote about the Japanese Americans placed in internment camps, about the Vietnam War, about the US’ involvement in splitting up Korea into the North and South, and other atrocities that were committed against Asians. She showed how Asian artists were treated differently than white artists, not just in the artistic sphere but also in daily life.

Her writing was so provocative and full of feeling that it made me tear up and cry, finally. In the last 15 pages, I bawled and cried my eyes out as I deplored the difficulties Asian Americans had to face. It’s a terrible dilemma as this is the country Asian Americans call home, it’s where they’re born and raised. It was eye opening and I finally let myself sit with the discomfort and explore it within myself, truly reflect on how and why it’s making me feel bad. It made me really think hard about why I’m choosing the US as my home instead of my home country. Am I making the right choice?

I think every country has their own issues and things that we won’t like, we need to be able to live with the good and bad but also want to make a difference. Minor Feelings succeeded in making a statement to advocate for non-white rights, simply by showing me how it was like for non-white Americans throughout history and today. 

It’s the first time I had cried at a book like this, simply because of eloquent and evocative language. I’m really amazed at how a book has been able to overcome my defenses both subtly and explicitly, all just through words and stories. It’s the first time I’ve experienced how a well written prose can make such a difference, that it can effect change in people.

I’d highly recommend it for all Asian Americans, but also my friends who want to understand the conflicting identities of being both Asian and American. Maybe you will go through a revelatory experience the way I did.

The Way I want to Live

I've been taking The Art of Self-Coaching course offered by Stanford in the last 2 months - it's a self-paced online course with YouTube videos and readings that anyone can take, so feel free to check it out if you're interested. 

I learned some new topics that were interesting for me on self-awareness, coaching and attention, while other topics were familiar to me as I previously took a Coursera class on positive psychology and resilience. This week, I took time off work and am trying to finish the self-coaching class (I'm on lesson 8 out of 9!). Today, I read these 2 readings and they really resonated with me:

1. Victor Frankl on Love, Suffering and Meaning of Life 

I've read Victor Frankl's book on Man's Search for Meaning before, and I was really touched by it. It's a great book about how he survived the Nazi concentration camps, his experiences around finding meaning in the midst of suffering, and his thinking on logotherapy. It resonates well with me, as I've always struggled with the question of what's our purpose in life, what's the point of living? I still don't know the answer, and perhaps will never know, but he's given me one that I can live with: "Perhaps this search for meaning is in fact the purpose of life."

2. Stop Trying to Be "Good Enough" by "Getting Better"

The second reading really resonated with me and the way I think as well - and it made me feel vindicated. Once, someone told me that I should always be improving and getting better in life, as though that should be my main goal and philosophy in living. However, that ran counter to my belief that we should appreciate and focus on what we have, at how far we've come. In fact, I felt offended - what's wrong with being contented with what we've got?

This reading gave me a good compromise - it's not one or the other. You can be striving towards getting better while being contented with what you have, cultivating gratitude and appreciation for what you have. While I'd weigh the latter part as a lot more important than the former, this fits much better with my idea of success and happiness. After all, it's the journey that matters more than the goal itself.

"The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. That is real freedom."

This, I suggest, is how we ultimately come to be "good enough," even as we're continually striving to improve, and let go of the need to "get better." 

 This is the way I want to live.

Voting for a Difference: Singapore’s GE2020

Oh wow, it's been an exciting few days. I feel like crying happy and proud tears. I haven't felt this way before; now I understand how politics can be such an emotional affair. I just voted as an overseas voter on Thursday for the Singapore General Elections (GE), and it's my second time getting to vote. This time, I paid more attention to the political parties, what they stood for, and started learning a lot more about how the political scene has evolved. It seems to be a lot more active than I remember it 10 years ago. Oh what progress we’ve made!

For those who don't know, Singapore's politics is based on the British parliamentary system, where we vote for members of parliament (MPs) to represent us in parliamentary debates and policy decisions. Depending on how the government draws up electoral divisions, we're either voting for a group representation constituency (GRC) of 3-6 members, or a single member constituency (SMC) of 1 person. My home address is in the west part of Singapore, which is represented by a GRC and is traditionally very supportive of the dominant party, PAP.

Yes, we often get a lot of flak about having a one-party system, and it's even used as case studies in political science classes in the US as an "autocracy that looks like democracy", or "illiberal democracy". Even I've lost hope about having any credible opposition; as the apathetic Singaporean I am, I expected things to remain the same.

Yet, this time Singaporeans voted differently, albeit concentrated in the northeast part of Singapore where the opposition party there is the strongest. Still, across the board, PAP received 61% of Singapore's votes, down from 70% in their last elections. What made it more unexpected, is that usually in a crisis year like this, voters tend to turn towards the PAP government for economic backing and certainty. The fact that voters voted more than before for opposition, really sent a message to the government that we don't want to stand for any more gutter politics and bullying tactics against opposition.

I felt so excited, hopeful and gratified with the GE results this time. It was more than I could have hoped for - we voted in a record 10 opposition seats (remaining 83 seats still went to PAP), which was more than we've had before. For context, we've only had 1 or 2 voted seats for decades, and then 6 seats in the last two elections. This is the first time we voted in opposition parties in two GRCs too!

Another thing to note is that opposition in Singapore has been very fragmented, we had 10 opposition parties running this year, and only 3 of them were well known with strongholds from before. The rest were new or relatively unknown. The 10 seats that were won, all belonged to Worker's Party as they're the strongest and most credible opposition in Singapore. The runner-up, Progress Singapore Party (PSP) is a new party created last year, yet captured the next best votes at 48% to PAP's 51.6%.

It's very heartening to see more credible opposition coming up. To me, this is a signal that opposition is getting stronger, which would encourage smart talented Singaporeans to want to join opposition parties and not just PAP. We need a variety of voices, who can really represent the diversity of opinions that Singaporeans have.

I definitely got emotional and was tearing up a few times as I watched the live election results come out yesterday. This was the first time I was watching the results live, and it was easier for me since it's daytime here (while it was going all night from 10pm till 4am in Singapore!).

I’m so proud of you Singaporeans, for voting differently from before, for really trying to send a message without mindlessly voting for opposition.

Read here for a very well-written summary of what happened and why in Singapore's elections (much better writing than mine): https://www.facebook.com/notes/remy-choo-zheng-xi/ge-2020-what-the-electorate-said/10157717884973737/

Also on a random note, I was reminded of the last time I voted as a first-time voter in Washington DC. I went early before work, and was interviewed by a reporter and made it into two newspaper articles! There's even a photo of me in there (if you know where to look ^^). Check out my 2 seconds of fame here:
https://www.straitstimes.com/world/united-states/ge2015-singaporeans-vote-in-three-us-cities
https://www.straitstimes.com/politics/singaporeans-in-britain-among-first-to-vote

One Week On: It's easier now

I think I'm feeling better now. I've stopped ruminating over memories of Bruiser. I'm back to work and haven't thought about him as much. I also can look at his corner, his things, without feeling guilt or pain or grief. It's a lot faster than I thought it would take.

I'm guessing it's because I'm not as close to Bru but also because I really gave myself the time to grief, before, during and after. I let all my feelings out, and wrote, and cried my heart out. I've been crying for Bru for probably a few weeks now, as I saw him suffering, when he stopped responding to us, stopped enjoying all the happy things he used to enjoy. I cried because I was helpless, I couldn't do anything to help him. I felt so useless. I felt it was so unfair.

In a way, now that he's released from his pain, I have stopped needing to worry about his suffering. I stopped feeling so helpless. And in the last week, I've learned to let go.

I realised that I still feel a jolt of sadness from time to time, when I see other shiba inus on the street or in japanese anime (they often show up in Studio Ghibli movies!). I feel sad when I read what we wrote about Bruiser's suffering, or when other people tell me about walking their dogs, playing with them, essentially triggering my old memories of Bru. I think anything that reminds me of how it was when I spent time with him would make me sad. Or anything that reminds me of the suffering he went through. I would tear up sometimes, but only cried maybe twice this whole week? That's pretty impressive for me (I'm always crying at little things...so it's hard to keep it together).

I don't feel sad looking at other dog owners walking their dogs, instead I feel a lot of compassion and gratitude that these dogs have people who love them. I feel like some sort of a kindred spirit with the owners, now that I understand what it's like to love a dog and want to walk them and bond with them. I just sold 90% of Bruiser's stuff and handed it off today, and it didn't make me feel sad at all. It's easier now to move on, now that I've accepted it.

It's a good thing I have a bad memory - it helps me bounce back faster and stop remembering or ruminating about sad things too much. I get to live true to my name, being joyful and optimistic about things.

Day 2: Why is this so unfair? Why must Bruiser suffer so?

This is so unfair for Bruiser. He was such a good dog. He was just being a dog. He was a dog that's like a cat, the kind of dog that kept to himself and not bother me, not bark or bite or pounce or do anything to scare me, and in that way he endeared himself to me. He would wag his tail at me, curl up next to me, sit near me when I'm on the couch as I read or watch shows or work. He wouldn't insist on a pet or any attention from me, but when I did give him a pet, a scratch on the back, he liked it and would roll over on his back so I could rub his tummy. He loved his tummy rubs.

That's how he showed his love for me. He's the opposite of everything I'd expected of a dog, and he wasn't intrusive. He's special, one of a kind. Before I knew it, in the quiet way unique to Bruiser, he turned my heart. He's the only kind of dog that could have turned my cold, insensitive heart and mind about dogs into the love I feel now. He burrowed his way into my heart, before my mind even realised it, before I let my mind agree to it. I wish I'd not been so stubborn, I should have just loved him whole-heartedly and whole-mindedly. Why bother holding back the love and affection? If only I'd known that time was short...

There were so many things he could have enjoyed more. We could have taken him to see the ocean, mountains, gone hiking with him, taken him on road trips, let him see snow. We could have cooked more for him, given him more treats, more food, let him enjoy his life more. We kept rationing food for his health, I wish I'd given him more food to eat somehow, he loved eating so very much. Even though logically we did the right things and not overfeed him, if I'd known he'd die from cancer, I'd give him more treats. More food. Just let him be happy while he could enjoy it, right?

We could have played with him more with his toys, running around with him. I never really got to see him run, except when he was running from the elevator to the apartment when he recognized the smell of home (and his upcoming mealtime). I wish we could have played with him off leash and let him run free. I wanted to see him run and play more. I wish I could have seen that. I wish I got to see him run happily on the grass in the park, off leash.

My bf told me that he wished he could have taken Bru in earlier, and taught him to socialize with other dogs, so he could play with other dogs at the park. He loved to sniff other dogs, but when they sniffed him he would bark and pounce on them. He wanted to play with them, but just didn't know how to handle other dogs. When my bf used to take him to the park, Bru could only watch other dogs play at the park and couldn't join in. He had to stay on leash too. That was such a sad thing for me to imagine, such a sad image.

I went to the park yesterday just to watch other dogs play - I felt sorry for Bru, and I felt sorry for us losing Bru. It all felt unfair somehow. But watching these dogs also comforted me - to see how other dogs were so happy and chasing after a ball, running after each other. Dogs really live in the moment. That helped me realise that Bru really cared more about being with us than ruminating about playing with other dogs.

Truth be told, he was never truly free. Because he was never socialized, he was like an indoor dog. He was so dependent on us and our love for him, that he lived such a lonely life. We couldn't dedicate all our lives to him the way he did for us. He gave us so much of himself, so much happiness and unconditional love, and in return this was all we could do for him. We took care of him and took him on walks. Heck it's not even me doing it, it's all my bf. I was just helping out whenever it was convenient for me, or when I wanted to help my bf out. It was only recently that I started to feel empathy for Bru, to feel for him, and think what a dog would want and like. I had only started to learn, yet he had to leave so soon. He didn't give me a chance to redeem myself, or to do more for him.

I feel so guilty for not learning this sooner. For not letting myself love him and shower him with affection sooner. For being so hard-headed and hard-hearted about dogs. I never wanted to get closer to him, probably because I knew I'd feel this pain. I knew the harder you love, the harder it would hurt after. I didn't want to get attached to him, yet here I am. Attached all the same. Only Bruiser could have done that to me.

I didn't know, I didn't know all these things about Bru, that he could have had more in his life. His life path was set from his early years, from when my bf took him in. When I first met him 2 years ago, Bru was already in his elderly years, and on his downward trajectory. That's why I didn't get to see him do so many happy playful things. I already did the best I could, even though I didn't know. I thought I'd have another year or two with him. I thought I had more time to love him and feel for him and think for him and do what he wanted.

But alas, that's the fleetingness of life. Don't take things for granted. I'm grateful for all he's already taught me, that I have the capacity to learn empathy for dogs and love them like my own child. That next time round, if I ever had a pet again, I would do so much more for him/her. It's all thanks to Bruiser. I'll do it for Bruiser.

Rest in peace Bru, thank you for being my teacher and companion and friend and child. You meant so much more to me than I could have known. Please rest well, sleep well, and don't suffer anymore. I hope you've gone to a place without pain, nausea, vomit or regurgitation. No more tumor in your throat and hacking and coughing, no more difficulty breathing. No more neurological issues from the tumor spreading to your brain. You can be healthy and safe and well. You can eat everything you want, and do everything we couldn't do for you. Please, from the deepest depths of my heart, I need to know, that you're doing well now.

I know at least you're not suffering anymore. I can only know that. As reality kicks in, I don't think that you're still living somewhere else. I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife.

I'm so cruel to myself, even in this moment, I can't make myself believe it. So I guess I have to let you go. We've released you from your pain, now we have to figure out how to release us from our pain.

P.S. Not a day goes by without me thinking of you and missing you. You will always be in my heart, and never forgotten.

The finality of death

My mind keeps going back to the moment he died. I think it’s something to do with the shock of it, the finality of death. There’s no second chances, no turning back. The moment you see life leave a living, breathing dog and he’s become a thing. I’ve never seen anything like that, and it’s terrifying. Watching your beloved dog turn into a thing - that’s bound to leave an indelible scar.

Maybe that’s why my brain keeps ruminating over it, thinking about it.