I'm halfway through this book a friend recommended me called "The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane" by Lisa See, and I love it so far! It's been a long while since I was last so entranced, enchanted and engrossed by a book that I can hardly put it down. It's a story about an Akha girl growing up in a rural mountain village of Yunnan as a tea picker, and how she grows and transforms as she struggles against her hill tribe's traditions and superstitions. This is definitely refreshing, immersive and absolutely thought provoking. It reminds me of my family's love for tea and what I know about the hill tribes (like A-mei! and other tribal minorities); it also reminds me of my extended family back in china and how globalization / industrialization has affected them. The romanized terms in the book are chinese words that I know, such as gaokao, pu-er, po-nay, etc so I feel an affinity towards the book whenever I see these words. The superstitions and traditions seem accurate and they provoke such stirring feelings in me as I read about them. It's the story-telling and the way it transports me into this rural setting that's really left an impact on me.
I love how her transformation over the years reminds me of my transformation as I left my home, went outside of my comfort zone and unlearned the traditions, superstitions and Asian way of life/Asian mindset. Like me, she became westernized and modernized, and looked critically at superstitions that no longer made sense to her. Like me, she struggled against what she thinks is right vs what she's learned from her family/village is right, vs what the outside world is teaching her.
In the book, globalization and its impact on the village took place at a much faster rate than I'd expect (within 8 years! Is that how long it really took in China?) and hence felt a lot more shocking to me. I still don't know how the Akha villagers adapted so quickly and knew how to let go of their old ways and beliefs - they're surprisingly open minded for a group of close minded tribal folks - was it due to necessity and money? I know it happened too with my extended family in china, but they weren't as superstitious though. How much of this is reflected across rural china? How much of this is reflected in other insular and traditional societies across the world?
To what extent is this change good or bad? *Spoiler Alert* I'm glad they've stopped killing twins in the book, and I know that leaving and being different from the rest was seen as a shameful thing for her. However as the main character gained confidence, developed a sense of self identity and what she's looking for, she no longer cared as much about the Akha old ways that were only holding her back. Now her family/villagers celebrate her differences only because she's become successful, but they still insist that she gets married, as though marriage is the hallmark of success. I've seen that a lot too when I go home, the Asian belief that you have to be married to be happy.
The same beliefs that if I'm not married I'm unwanted and it's bad, that once I leave home I won't want to come back, that I have to abide by my family's rules and ways when I'm home. I feel the same way she does - frustration that your family can't accept you the way you are and trust your decisions as an intelligent and independent adult. They want to impose their beliefs and mindset on you, so they can be important in your life again. This has been and will continue to be a struggle for me - how can I adjust my self identity and still accommodate different beliefs back home, and how can I live happily in this combination of influences? How can I live with myself and with my family's mindset without offending anyone, without compromising my self?
I foresee some difficult conversations and tough decisions in my future; hopefully I'll be much better prepared for it when the time comes...
On a side note - I did my first "business" lunch of sorts today with a career officer at Stanford, discussing some opportunities for recruiting on campus this year. I'm really excited about it, and I feel grown up talking business over lunch on my own, without any other senior person taking charge. :D
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Thursday, July 20, 2017
stunned
Interesting episode of the day - last night I was at the hotel lobby (it was around 12.30am), heading back to my room, when I saw a waiter needing help with a few heavy boxes on a cart. I helped him out for a bit and another hotel guest helped out too. That hotel guest then made conversation with me and squeezed my arm / biceps saying wow you're strong eh? I was super shocked - no one has ever squeezed my biceps before, not to mention a complete stranger!!
As we headed up in the elevator, he was friendly and talking to folks in the elevator, but because I was on one of the top floors it ended up being just the two of us left behind. I said - oh we're on the same floor? He just smiled and said - are we?
That's when I had a sinking feeling - thinking omg is he a creepy stalker and going to follow me to my room? I suddenly felt unsafe, afraid and very uncomfortable...this guy was creeping me out!
He asked - what are you doing after this? I said...sleep? We reached my floor and I walked out - he followed and said - you sure you don't want to hang out? I said, trying to act nonchalant while freaking out inside, "nah - I've had a long day. Goodnight" and then I walked off briskly.
Honestly I was freaked out and didn't know what to do if he decided to follow me. A few seconds later I thought I should have walked in the opposite direction of my room so he couldn't find out where I was staying, but it was too late and I looked back - fortunately he didn't follow me. Once I got in the room, I put on the privacy lock and it took a while to compose myself. Guess it's not always safe traveling on your own as a female, esp later at night.
In hindsight, I feel flattered that this guy was interested in me, but I felt more stunned by this revelation - is this how guys pick up girls? By staying on in an elevator and hoping they get to hang out (in the room???) and get some? Maybe he's just trying his luck, but I guess I'm too innocent in the ways of this world...
I'm just glad nothing happened. Guess I do have to stay viligant every once in a while, and be more used to guy's attentions lol
As we headed up in the elevator, he was friendly and talking to folks in the elevator, but because I was on one of the top floors it ended up being just the two of us left behind. I said - oh we're on the same floor? He just smiled and said - are we?
That's when I had a sinking feeling - thinking omg is he a creepy stalker and going to follow me to my room? I suddenly felt unsafe, afraid and very uncomfortable...this guy was creeping me out!
He asked - what are you doing after this? I said...sleep? We reached my floor and I walked out - he followed and said - you sure you don't want to hang out? I said, trying to act nonchalant while freaking out inside, "nah - I've had a long day. Goodnight" and then I walked off briskly.
Honestly I was freaked out and didn't know what to do if he decided to follow me. A few seconds later I thought I should have walked in the opposite direction of my room so he couldn't find out where I was staying, but it was too late and I looked back - fortunately he didn't follow me. Once I got in the room, I put on the privacy lock and it took a while to compose myself. Guess it's not always safe traveling on your own as a female, esp later at night.
In hindsight, I feel flattered that this guy was interested in me, but I felt more stunned by this revelation - is this how guys pick up girls? By staying on in an elevator and hoping they get to hang out (in the room???) and get some? Maybe he's just trying his luck, but I guess I'm too innocent in the ways of this world...
I'm just glad nothing happened. Guess I do have to stay viligant every once in a while, and be more used to guy's attentions lol
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Many happy returns of the day!
It's my birthday tomorrow, but because it's a work day and I'll be traveling for work (and will probably be working late fixing that big presentation...), I ended up celebrating all weekend with my friends. We started off on Friday with a michelin star japanese restaurant called Ju-ni (meaning 12 in japanese), then bar-hopping/clubbing after that. This is mainly because of a friend visiting from Atlanta, so we wanted to take her out and have fun in SF while celebrating my birthday.
I haven't gone clubbing in a year (since my birthday last year), guess now it really is an annual occurrence lol. I had such an amazing time though, it was a real great confidence booster! I walked in the door and within 2 seconds this guy came and talked to me. and the trend continued...one after another, I ended up getting 搭讪 by 8 different guys that night! I also got to dance, get free drinks, and really let go of myself the way I don't do anymore...it really made me feel carefree and young and like a child again. This weekend, I let loose a lot more than I usually do, which made me realise how uptight and "old" I've become now. I don't like drinking, or going out, or doing crazy things anymore. I don't jump around laughing because I feel happy, or dance on the streets, or sing at the top of my voice just because. And this weekend I did all of the above and more hahaha.
On Saturday, I went to a cosplay festival (my first one in sf) - again another nostalgic thing from my past-life. I had associated it with a waste of time (which is what my dad thinks), and as a responsible adult I shouldn't be wasting time on that, but going made me feel happy and young again. Brought back all the happy memories of my youth indulging in anime, jpop, going to cosplay events and hanging out with my japanese club friends.
Am I becoming more like my dad, like adults who just judge everything that people do, especially if it's someone different from you, doing something you don't agree with? I wish I can retain a child-like heart while gaining maturity and wisdom. That's what I'm reflecting on this year, as I embark on the beginning of my late twenties - I want to keep my child-like trust and belief in the good of people, while being realistic and wise about the dangers/risks of the world. There is a constant pull of conflicting factors - do we live life like there's no tomorrow being risk-taking, or do we live life planning ahead for the future and being risk-averse? How do we balance being carefree and being responsible? How do we let loose while being in control? To what extent should we explore vs exploit?
Then Saturday evening I had dinner with my housemates (who so kindly treated me, thank you!). There was a problem with our reservation because we showed up late, and we had a person who was going to be another 30min late - to me it was our fault and it's natural that they had to let go of our table and we had to wait at least 45min for a table to open up. However my friends didn't agree with it since they had called ahead and let them know of the situation, and they said they could seat us as long as we ordered first. It became a point of contention with the restaurant manager, and I wanted to tell them hey just let it go, it is our fault and even if we could get seated and ordered first, we would still have to wait for the last guy anyway. Instead, we could just hang out in the area until that person arrived, then it's about time for a table to open up.
However that's not how they saw it, and they remained aggressive towards the restaurant manager. I saw how I didn't know how to intervene and deal with difficult situations when they're my friends - I didn't know how to go against them in a nice way, while protecting the interests of the restaurant. I was siding with the restaurant, but my friends were not seeing it that way as their expectations and trust were being betrayed. It definitely put a downer on the celebratory mood for the meal, but I also saw my shortcomings in this area. I need to learn how to step up and speak up for what I think is right in a sensitive and tactful manner, so I won't be hurting my friends...
After dinner, we went to catch a play called the "Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime". I read this book many years back, so I was excited to find out it's been made into a play! It's very interesting to see how they translated the thoughts and emotions and experiences of an autistic teen with information / sensory overload by using lighting, sounds and dance movements. There were digital panels on all walls of the stage projecting information and words and images that supported all these, and the technology use was amazing. They also broke the 4th wall by referring to the audience and to making a play out of his story - which was actually the play we're watching! I really enjoyed how they put the play together - definitely worth a watch. Oh and be sure to stay past the "end" credits because there will be additional 5min of acting after that xP
On Sunday, I went to napa valley with my friends and decided to wear my new flowery sundress! It's pretty and has an asymmetrical hem, and it made me feel confident, happy and like a celebrity haha. Clothing really can transform a person (emotionally, mentally, physically...). We went to 3 wineries - two of them are new to me but were recommended by friends, while one was my usual favorite winery I always go to. We did a few tastings, did a cave tour, and I bought a very nice bottle of Madeira! yumm...it shall last me for the rest of the year haha. Also, I helped out an elderly couple with directions to Livermore - my good deed of the day! And the cashier was kind to me too, he found out it's my birthday tomorrow and threw in a chocolate bar in my bag for free! Really, kindness is contagious - let's aim to help a person a day, or at least gift a smile to someone so this kindness would pass on.
It was today outside a winery that I danced, sang, jumped and laughed. I did some pretty crazy things not because of the wines (I wasn't tipsy because I poured away tastings I didn't finish), but rather I was so happy and in a good mood today. I have so many things to be grateful for - I'm alive and healthy, with a great job and career and income, I can afford to eat whatever I want and travel wherever, I am at the prime time of my life and can date whoever I want, I am young but have learned so much to know I need to learn more, and I had a great weekend and friends who are celebrating me! It's amazing really, and I wish I did that more. Embrace the joys of life that we should be grateful for.
I haven't gone clubbing in a year (since my birthday last year), guess now it really is an annual occurrence lol. I had such an amazing time though, it was a real great confidence booster! I walked in the door and within 2 seconds this guy came and talked to me. and the trend continued...one after another, I ended up getting 搭讪 by 8 different guys that night! I also got to dance, get free drinks, and really let go of myself the way I don't do anymore...it really made me feel carefree and young and like a child again. This weekend, I let loose a lot more than I usually do, which made me realise how uptight and "old" I've become now. I don't like drinking, or going out, or doing crazy things anymore. I don't jump around laughing because I feel happy, or dance on the streets, or sing at the top of my voice just because. And this weekend I did all of the above and more hahaha.
On Saturday, I went to a cosplay festival (my first one in sf) - again another nostalgic thing from my past-life. I had associated it with a waste of time (which is what my dad thinks), and as a responsible adult I shouldn't be wasting time on that, but going made me feel happy and young again. Brought back all the happy memories of my youth indulging in anime, jpop, going to cosplay events and hanging out with my japanese club friends.
Am I becoming more like my dad, like adults who just judge everything that people do, especially if it's someone different from you, doing something you don't agree with? I wish I can retain a child-like heart while gaining maturity and wisdom. That's what I'm reflecting on this year, as I embark on the beginning of my late twenties - I want to keep my child-like trust and belief in the good of people, while being realistic and wise about the dangers/risks of the world. There is a constant pull of conflicting factors - do we live life like there's no tomorrow being risk-taking, or do we live life planning ahead for the future and being risk-averse? How do we balance being carefree and being responsible? How do we let loose while being in control? To what extent should we explore vs exploit?
Then Saturday evening I had dinner with my housemates (who so kindly treated me, thank you!). There was a problem with our reservation because we showed up late, and we had a person who was going to be another 30min late - to me it was our fault and it's natural that they had to let go of our table and we had to wait at least 45min for a table to open up. However my friends didn't agree with it since they had called ahead and let them know of the situation, and they said they could seat us as long as we ordered first. It became a point of contention with the restaurant manager, and I wanted to tell them hey just let it go, it is our fault and even if we could get seated and ordered first, we would still have to wait for the last guy anyway. Instead, we could just hang out in the area until that person arrived, then it's about time for a table to open up.
However that's not how they saw it, and they remained aggressive towards the restaurant manager. I saw how I didn't know how to intervene and deal with difficult situations when they're my friends - I didn't know how to go against them in a nice way, while protecting the interests of the restaurant. I was siding with the restaurant, but my friends were not seeing it that way as their expectations and trust were being betrayed. It definitely put a downer on the celebratory mood for the meal, but I also saw my shortcomings in this area. I need to learn how to step up and speak up for what I think is right in a sensitive and tactful manner, so I won't be hurting my friends...
After dinner, we went to catch a play called the "Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime". I read this book many years back, so I was excited to find out it's been made into a play! It's very interesting to see how they translated the thoughts and emotions and experiences of an autistic teen with information / sensory overload by using lighting, sounds and dance movements. There were digital panels on all walls of the stage projecting information and words and images that supported all these, and the technology use was amazing. They also broke the 4th wall by referring to the audience and to making a play out of his story - which was actually the play we're watching! I really enjoyed how they put the play together - definitely worth a watch. Oh and be sure to stay past the "end" credits because there will be additional 5min of acting after that xP
On Sunday, I went to napa valley with my friends and decided to wear my new flowery sundress! It's pretty and has an asymmetrical hem, and it made me feel confident, happy and like a celebrity haha. Clothing really can transform a person (emotionally, mentally, physically...). We went to 3 wineries - two of them are new to me but were recommended by friends, while one was my usual favorite winery I always go to. We did a few tastings, did a cave tour, and I bought a very nice bottle of Madeira! yumm...it shall last me for the rest of the year haha. Also, I helped out an elderly couple with directions to Livermore - my good deed of the day! And the cashier was kind to me too, he found out it's my birthday tomorrow and threw in a chocolate bar in my bag for free! Really, kindness is contagious - let's aim to help a person a day, or at least gift a smile to someone so this kindness would pass on.
It was today outside a winery that I danced, sang, jumped and laughed. I did some pretty crazy things not because of the wines (I wasn't tipsy because I poured away tastings I didn't finish), but rather I was so happy and in a good mood today. I have so many things to be grateful for - I'm alive and healthy, with a great job and career and income, I can afford to eat whatever I want and travel wherever, I am at the prime time of my life and can date whoever I want, I am young but have learned so much to know I need to learn more, and I had a great weekend and friends who are celebrating me! It's amazing really, and I wish I did that more. Embrace the joys of life that we should be grateful for.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
busy life!
There's been a lot going on in my life these days - sorry I haven't been updating! Hmm quick summary: I got promoted at work this month, had my raise and bonus woots! I'm preparing for training in DC next week - I'm presenting on cloud strategy to my company so I'm excited about that. I started on a new project based in Chicago/SF so I'm spending more time in SF and also traveling once or twice a month to Chicago, so that's pretty nice.
I'm going on dates with folks I met at salsa dancing and at speed dating - not too much progress there but we'll see how things go. I'm trying different michelin star restaurants, and have been traveling a lot - to Costa Rica, Boston, Pittsburgh (for fun) and Chicago (for work). I'll be going to DC and NYC next week, and then various national parks for Independence Day and Labor Day. Fun right?
Oh and our stove broke out in an electrical fire of sorts this Monday and really scared me and my roommate badly - made me reflect on how underprepared we were had it been a huge fire! Made me re-think how vulnerable we are...
And lastly, I'm preparing a new song for my friend's wedding! We decided to do an english song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" which is pretty cliche love song, but you can't really go wrong with that (and it's also disney!). I'll also be singing with the bride's friend - Fan Wei Qi's wedding song Zui Zhong Yao De Jue Ding. I didn't really like it at first, but somehow I've warmed up to it and now I find it fun to sing haha. I recorded a version with the melody and harmony - I didn't sing it very well because it was really my first take and I didn't have time to make it better haha (been busy with work), but I'll keep practicing and make sure it sounds better for the wedding day!
It was way more fun choreographing the harmonies and figuring out how to sing the harmony track hehe!
I'm going on dates with folks I met at salsa dancing and at speed dating - not too much progress there but we'll see how things go. I'm trying different michelin star restaurants, and have been traveling a lot - to Costa Rica, Boston, Pittsburgh (for fun) and Chicago (for work). I'll be going to DC and NYC next week, and then various national parks for Independence Day and Labor Day. Fun right?
Oh and our stove broke out in an electrical fire of sorts this Monday and really scared me and my roommate badly - made me reflect on how underprepared we were had it been a huge fire! Made me re-think how vulnerable we are...
And lastly, I'm preparing a new song for my friend's wedding! We decided to do an english song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" which is pretty cliche love song, but you can't really go wrong with that (and it's also disney!). I'll also be singing with the bride's friend - Fan Wei Qi's wedding song Zui Zhong Yao De Jue Ding. I didn't really like it at first, but somehow I've warmed up to it and now I find it fun to sing haha. I recorded a version with the melody and harmony - I didn't sing it very well because it was really my first take and I didn't have time to make it better haha (been busy with work), but I'll keep practicing and make sure it sounds better for the wedding day!
It was way more fun choreographing the harmonies and figuring out how to sing the harmony track hehe!
Thursday, June 01, 2017
my recent workout activity ^^
my dancing is awful, but going for this kpop dance class always challenges me and makes me sweat! and i definitely feel myself improving each class :D
p.s. the guy in the middle at the end is the instructor. he's so good right!
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Being a better parent
Here's an article on how to answer children's questions without deceiving them, I think it's really helpful! Especially since I'll need to figure out how to say these in Chinese hahaha -
I want to make sure my kids speak Chinese at home, so I'll lead by example!
https://brightside.me/inspiration-family-and-kids/11-correct-answers-to-childrens-questions-that-always-stump-parents-330960/?utm_source=fb_brightside&utm_medium=fb_organic&utm_campaign=fb_gr_brightside
It reminds me of that time as a kid I pointed at a dwarf lady (who was around my height back then) and asked my mum super loudly, "为什么她那么矮?" The lady got super angry and started scolding me, saying "你怎么这么没有家教!"
I was so shocked and hurt by her scolding I started crying because I didn't like to be scolded (I still don't), and I figured I must have done something wrong. I was feeling traumatized for a long while after that, and till today I'll always remember that incident. Now I know how my mum should have taught me preemptively so I wouldn't have gotten scolded lol. And now I know I hurt that lady badly with my innocent question, which is why she retaliated with hurting me instead. As an adult, I'll have to learn to be more open to criticism and to innocent (but true) questions like that, so I won't be hurting kids, but rather educating them to be empathetic and kinder in their interactions.
Also, wherever you are lady, I'm sorry :( Please forgive a young child's thoughtlessness, and I hope you are living a happy life now.
P.S. I guess only kids will point out things that look different or don't make sense, which is why the truth actually gets revealed in the Emperor's New Clothes!
I want to make sure my kids speak Chinese at home, so I'll lead by example!
It reminds me of that time as a kid I pointed at a dwarf lady (who was around my height back then) and asked my mum super loudly, "为什么她那么矮?" The lady got super angry and started scolding me, saying "你怎么这么没有家教!"
I was so shocked and hurt by her scolding I started crying because I didn't like to be scolded (I still don't), and I figured I must have done something wrong. I was feeling traumatized for a long while after that, and till today I'll always remember that incident. Now I know how my mum should have taught me preemptively so I wouldn't have gotten scolded lol. And now I know I hurt that lady badly with my innocent question, which is why she retaliated with hurting me instead. As an adult, I'll have to learn to be more open to criticism and to innocent (but true) questions like that, so I won't be hurting kids, but rather educating them to be empathetic and kinder in their interactions.
Also, wherever you are lady, I'm sorry :( Please forgive a young child's thoughtlessness, and I hope you are living a happy life now.
P.S. I guess only kids will point out things that look different or don't make sense, which is why the truth actually gets revealed in the Emperor's New Clothes!
Sunday, April 09, 2017
3rd time's the charm in Chicago
This is my 3rd time in Chicago, and I learned a lot more about it than I've ever had before. I saw the segregation of cultures and ethnicity - rich neighborhoods that were predominantly white everywhere you looked, with fancy shops and spas and massage and manicure places. 99% of the cars were beautifully washed, waxed and shined, gleaming in the sun oh so clean. And I definitely felt safe walking around here.
Then I also had the opportunity to walk through neighborhoods that were predominantly black, and it's unfortunate that the stereotypes hold true here - it's sketchy and I didn't feel as safe walking here, there were drunk ppl (at 7pm whaaatt) and drivers that don't stop for pedestrians! When we're crossing the road on a green light, the driver refused to stop for us and turned right cutting us off, and we had to stop for cars on multiple occasions when cars didn't stop at the stop sign. This is such a different experience for me here (compared to sf or other cities) and it honestly made me feel a little sad. Asians also mostly live in a few congregated neighborhoods like Chinatown or Vietnamese town or Korea town (or Chicago theater area)...
I guess this happens in many places in the world, but having it to this degree is a little of a surprise for me, since I thought of Chicago as a very diverse city. Another interesting observation - I walked through a protest downtown on Friday on the way to dinner; it was a protest on the US stance on Syria and was against a US war in Syria. Very interesting to see that this is an active city on politics as well - quite a mishmash of conservative midwestern culture vs open minded city folks.
I also encountered a few drunks this trip - once on an uberpool ride and once in a deep dish pizza restaurant. The uberpool ride was understandable since it was 11 on a Friday night. The drunk person was just repeating himself and stating the obvious very loudly (e.g. I'm not being dropped off here, can you give us a ride home! Oh yes? Thank you!!). His friend was high on something and was generally not responsive to questions - I was more uncomfortable about him actually but oh well, I'm against drugs that's probably why :/
However, we were at the pizza restaurant at 7pm on Saturday, and these three (white) guys next to us were already drunk! One of the guys made conversation with us in a very drunken way, asked some questions that can be construed as racist but being the Singaporean I am, I don't really get offended and was glad to correct their misconceptions and stereotypes of Asians. Also he seemed to think I'm from China even though I said Singapore. Oh well no surprise there, especially since he's drunk. And it was funny because he's 42 and has two kids, but he kept saying nice things to me (hitting on me?). He tried to get me and my guy friend to party at his hotel bar lol, no way we're going to go.
Also, I was happy because he said I was beautiful (at least 4 times - "man she is beautiful!", "It must be hard. It must be hard being so beautiful."), that I had such beautiful straight teeth, that I must be smarter than my guy friend, that I am an independent strong woman and my guy friend should learn from me hahaha. It was both offensive and sexist and a compliment at the same time. I very much enjoyed it ;) And it's mainly because my guy friend isn't portraying himself as confidently as I was; I wasn't deterred by these guys at all but he was visibly uncomfortable, so that made a difference. I guess I know how to play this American game now, how to look and talk confident so I can fit in :)
Now I'm leaving, and I'm glad I got to see the real Chicago this time. I also got to watch Hamilton the musical (yesss!!!) finally, a dream come true haha. I want to watch the musical again and close up on the front rows lol, if only it's not so $$$$...
Then I also had the opportunity to walk through neighborhoods that were predominantly black, and it's unfortunate that the stereotypes hold true here - it's sketchy and I didn't feel as safe walking here, there were drunk ppl (at 7pm whaaatt) and drivers that don't stop for pedestrians! When we're crossing the road on a green light, the driver refused to stop for us and turned right cutting us off, and we had to stop for cars on multiple occasions when cars didn't stop at the stop sign. This is such a different experience for me here (compared to sf or other cities) and it honestly made me feel a little sad. Asians also mostly live in a few congregated neighborhoods like Chinatown or Vietnamese town or Korea town (or Chicago theater area)...
I guess this happens in many places in the world, but having it to this degree is a little of a surprise for me, since I thought of Chicago as a very diverse city. Another interesting observation - I walked through a protest downtown on Friday on the way to dinner; it was a protest on the US stance on Syria and was against a US war in Syria. Very interesting to see that this is an active city on politics as well - quite a mishmash of conservative midwestern culture vs open minded city folks.
I also encountered a few drunks this trip - once on an uberpool ride and once in a deep dish pizza restaurant. The uberpool ride was understandable since it was 11 on a Friday night. The drunk person was just repeating himself and stating the obvious very loudly (e.g. I'm not being dropped off here, can you give us a ride home! Oh yes? Thank you!!). His friend was high on something and was generally not responsive to questions - I was more uncomfortable about him actually but oh well, I'm against drugs that's probably why :/
However, we were at the pizza restaurant at 7pm on Saturday, and these three (white) guys next to us were already drunk! One of the guys made conversation with us in a very drunken way, asked some questions that can be construed as racist but being the Singaporean I am, I don't really get offended and was glad to correct their misconceptions and stereotypes of Asians. Also he seemed to think I'm from China even though I said Singapore. Oh well no surprise there, especially since he's drunk. And it was funny because he's 42 and has two kids, but he kept saying nice things to me (hitting on me?). He tried to get me and my guy friend to party at his hotel bar lol, no way we're going to go.
Also, I was happy because he said I was beautiful (at least 4 times - "man she is beautiful!", "It must be hard. It must be hard being so beautiful."), that I had such beautiful straight teeth, that I must be smarter than my guy friend, that I am an independent strong woman and my guy friend should learn from me hahaha. It was both offensive and sexist and a compliment at the same time. I very much enjoyed it ;) And it's mainly because my guy friend isn't portraying himself as confidently as I was; I wasn't deterred by these guys at all but he was visibly uncomfortable, so that made a difference. I guess I know how to play this American game now, how to look and talk confident so I can fit in :)
Now I'm leaving, and I'm glad I got to see the real Chicago this time. I also got to watch Hamilton the musical (yesss!!!) finally, a dream come true haha. I want to watch the musical again and close up on the front rows lol, if only it's not so $$$$...
Sunday, March 12, 2017
A dream job?
I think I may have found something I want to work on if/when I move back home...I'm very inspired by NMP Kuik Shiao-Yin's recent COS speech to the Finance Minister in light of the recent lack of trust in government institutions. I looked her up and turns out she cofounded this "School of Thought" learning center: http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/kuik-shiao-yin-a-battle-for-singapores-spirit
I wish more politicians are like her - have heart, empathy and listen to the people.
https://www.facebook.com/luvsgp/videos/383644652006348/
"She explained that they would teach subjects in a new way, so as to spark empathy and social responsibility".That's exactly what I'm passionate about, and what I want to teach the future and current generation as well! I'm super inspired right now, I want to find out if there are more people like her and more jobs like that, which can make positive change and impact back home. For the uninitiated, this is the video I was talking about, I was really impressed. Completely changed the way I saw Singapore's politics.
I wish more politicians are like her - have heart, empathy and listen to the people.
https://www.facebook.com/luvsgp/videos/383644652006348/
Sunday, March 05, 2017
Tearful songs
I've been waiting to finally record another song since over a month ago - been itching to learn how to play this song on the guitar and sing to it. It's JJ Lin's Xiu Lian Ai Qing (Practice Love), one of my favorite songs from him. Absolutely love it!
When JJ was writing a song for his album back in 2013, his management wanted him to write about a secret. He decided to write about a girl - a childhood friend of his from secondary school days. She liked him back then, and would bring him breakfast every morning, and they would spend time composing songs together - he wrote the song and she wrote the lyrics. However, JJ never liked her back romantically, and she died in a plane crash right after. When the rescuers found her belongings, they found a photo of JJ in her wallet - it was the photo of himself that he had given to her. Her relatives then returned that photo to him.
This was a secret that he had buried since he was 16, because he didn't know how to deal with it then. Now he knew to write a song dedicated to her, which helped him move on.
Such a sad and emotional song, definitely worth a listen!
Also really like this song that my friend shared with me - it's such a great duet with the guitar, cello and violin!
When JJ was writing a song for his album back in 2013, his management wanted him to write about a secret. He decided to write about a girl - a childhood friend of his from secondary school days. She liked him back then, and would bring him breakfast every morning, and they would spend time composing songs together - he wrote the song and she wrote the lyrics. However, JJ never liked her back romantically, and she died in a plane crash right after. When the rescuers found her belongings, they found a photo of JJ in her wallet - it was the photo of himself that he had given to her. Her relatives then returned that photo to him.
This was a secret that he had buried since he was 16, because he didn't know how to deal with it then. Now he knew to write a song dedicated to her, which helped him move on.
Such a sad and emotional song, definitely worth a listen!
Also really like this song that my friend shared with me - it's such a great duet with the guitar, cello and violin!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Managing Unconscious Bias
I have been talking to a lot of people about this in Singapore - unconscious bias against women in the workplace, and how meritocracy has been covering up the existence of these biases. I am feeling very passionate about this, and I'm so glad that women are speaking up about this and gaining traction in the Bay Area. Let's try and bring this movement to Singapore as well!
To start off, make sure you read Susan Fowler's reflections and experience with sexism at Uber (it's in the link below), and the rest of the content. This might be the most important thing you'll ever read in your life, so you understand what your unconscious biases are and what your privileges are:
https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/reflecting-on-susan-fowlers-reflections-e2dccb374b47#.s5oenecyd
Then read what you can do about it:
- https://managingbias.fb.com/
- https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/how-do-i-ally-being-an-ally-to-women-in-technology-73b70fb86a98#.8b4muttuc
To start off, make sure you read Susan Fowler's reflections and experience with sexism at Uber (it's in the link below), and the rest of the content. This might be the most important thing you'll ever read in your life, so you understand what your unconscious biases are and what your privileges are:
https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/reflecting-on-susan-fowlers-reflections-e2dccb374b47#.s5oenecyd
Then read what you can do about it:
- https://managingbias.fb.com/
- https://medium.com/@hadrad1000/how-do-i-ally-being-an-ally-to-women-in-technology-73b70fb86a98#.8b4muttuc
Saturday, February 11, 2017
unbelievable!
I'm super excited - I'm headed back to Singapore in 5 days!! It's been a year since I've been home last, so I'm really looking forward to going home, meeting my friends and family and just taking a break from work haha.
I will be trying out Singapore Airlines' direct flight for the first time, so we'll see how that goes (15+ hours in economy huh...). I'm headed home as I'm bridesmaid (for the first time!) for my friends' wedding, so I'm really excited for the hen party and wedding day! Interestingly, I just found out that my cousin is also doing his ROM when I'm back, so I signed up to be there for his solemnisation too. This means I've got to bring a bunch of dresses and shoes and makeup back lol...I'm super happy for my cousin and my friends too! hehehe
Also, I found out my friend from DC is currently in KL and is looking to come to Singapore too, so I told him to come when I'm there so I can bring him around and eat lots of good food! I'm also much better at swimming now, so I'm looking forward to finally using the swimming pool back home haha. I'm also looking forward to some down time to myself and finally doing all those coursera classes I signed up for (e.g. korean, middle eastern politics, how to reason and argue, etc).
All in all, lots going on in the back half of my february, and I just can't wait! this is incredibly unbelievable!
on a side note, I brought home my second guitar as I'm anticipating that I'll be moving off the Denver project, so here they are! The Jasmine and Yamaha sisters ;)
On a side side note, I really liked La La Land so much that I'm watching it for the second time in the cinema with my roommate!! And I'm back into musicals now, so I just caught Fun Home last weekend, and will be watching Rent the musical tomorrow night. So inspired by La La Land haha. Then I'm taking my first salsa dance class on Tuesday, then kpop dance on wednesday, then it's time for home sweet home! :D
Definitely keeping myself busy eh?
I will be trying out Singapore Airlines' direct flight for the first time, so we'll see how that goes (15+ hours in economy huh...). I'm headed home as I'm bridesmaid (for the first time!) for my friends' wedding, so I'm really excited for the hen party and wedding day! Interestingly, I just found out that my cousin is also doing his ROM when I'm back, so I signed up to be there for his solemnisation too. This means I've got to bring a bunch of dresses and shoes and makeup back lol...I'm super happy for my cousin and my friends too! hehehe
Also, I found out my friend from DC is currently in KL and is looking to come to Singapore too, so I told him to come when I'm there so I can bring him around and eat lots of good food! I'm also much better at swimming now, so I'm looking forward to finally using the swimming pool back home haha. I'm also looking forward to some down time to myself and finally doing all those coursera classes I signed up for (e.g. korean, middle eastern politics, how to reason and argue, etc).
All in all, lots going on in the back half of my february, and I just can't wait! this is incredibly unbelievable!
on a side note, I brought home my second guitar as I'm anticipating that I'll be moving off the Denver project, so here they are! The Jasmine and Yamaha sisters ;)
On a side side note, I really liked La La Land so much that I'm watching it for the second time in the cinema with my roommate!! And I'm back into musicals now, so I just caught Fun Home last weekend, and will be watching Rent the musical tomorrow night. So inspired by La La Land haha. Then I'm taking my first salsa dance class on Tuesday, then kpop dance on wednesday, then it's time for home sweet home! :D
Definitely keeping myself busy eh?
Monday, January 30, 2017
This is water.
This may very well be the most important video I've seen in my life. It's only audio, and is the famous commencement speech by David Foster Wallace, "This is Water". All of you should listen to it when you get a chance:
Otherwise you can also read it in transcript form here: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf
I was so impressed by his eloquence and the way he showed the value of education in both abstract and concrete terms, with examples and analogies. This left an impact on me and codified what I actually have been learning and struggling to do myself in the past few years. I called it "empathy", that we need to learn to see things from others' perspectives and to think in their shoes, and hence act accordingly with kindness and respect. It was such a difficult thing to learn though, for people to truly internalize and do in their day-to-day lives. It was hard getting the point across without seeming patronizing or lecturing, and that's why I'm supremely amazed by how he did it so well without imposing his views on us. He gave his story, and we all learned a little something from there.
In his speech, he called it awareness, to choose consciously how to think and what to think, to be well adjusted and not see everything as being all about yourself.
I realize now his way of putting it is a lot more digestible, and easier for the bright-eyed, proud new graduates to understand. They wouldn't be able to understand empathy the way they can understand awareness from him, from the way his speech laid it out as a self-centric mechanism of being aware and thinking consciously of others. It really illustrates and teaches us what we need to do with our lives, with our day ins and day outs.
I'm so glad that my friend shared this with me. It really changes the way I think when I say things like "they should be better at communicating" or "they should be better at empathy and understanding each other!" when I watch shows like Terrace House. When I observe human interactions that I wholly disapprove of. I realise that the easier way to put it is that they have to be more conscious and aware of others, and put in the effort to choose to think different.
I also feel somewhat a connection to David, by the fact that he's been struggling with depression and in the end committed suicide in 2008 (a mere 3 years after this iconic speech). I've read somewhere that depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, while people who are not depressed are usually over-optimistic and over-confident about how they stand in the world (e.g. they all think they look above average...which can't be possible).
Having gone through depression before in my teens, I saw the world clearly for what it stood, but I could never really express what I meant until now. I've always been advocating empathy and kindness, but now I can point to an alternative approach - this is water.
Otherwise you can also read it in transcript form here: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf
I was so impressed by his eloquence and the way he showed the value of education in both abstract and concrete terms, with examples and analogies. This left an impact on me and codified what I actually have been learning and struggling to do myself in the past few years. I called it "empathy", that we need to learn to see things from others' perspectives and to think in their shoes, and hence act accordingly with kindness and respect. It was such a difficult thing to learn though, for people to truly internalize and do in their day-to-day lives. It was hard getting the point across without seeming patronizing or lecturing, and that's why I'm supremely amazed by how he did it so well without imposing his views on us. He gave his story, and we all learned a little something from there.
In his speech, he called it awareness, to choose consciously how to think and what to think, to be well adjusted and not see everything as being all about yourself.
I realize now his way of putting it is a lot more digestible, and easier for the bright-eyed, proud new graduates to understand. They wouldn't be able to understand empathy the way they can understand awareness from him, from the way his speech laid it out as a self-centric mechanism of being aware and thinking consciously of others. It really illustrates and teaches us what we need to do with our lives, with our day ins and day outs.
I'm so glad that my friend shared this with me. It really changes the way I think when I say things like "they should be better at communicating" or "they should be better at empathy and understanding each other!" when I watch shows like Terrace House. When I observe human interactions that I wholly disapprove of. I realise that the easier way to put it is that they have to be more conscious and aware of others, and put in the effort to choose to think different.
I also feel somewhat a connection to David, by the fact that he's been struggling with depression and in the end committed suicide in 2008 (a mere 3 years after this iconic speech). I've read somewhere that depressed people have a more realistic view of the world, while people who are not depressed are usually over-optimistic and over-confident about how they stand in the world (e.g. they all think they look above average...which can't be possible).
Having gone through depression before in my teens, I saw the world clearly for what it stood, but I could never really express what I meant until now. I've always been advocating empathy and kindness, but now I can point to an alternative approach - this is water.
Monday, January 09, 2017
Our most ambitious music video yet!
This has been in the planning for a few weeks, and finally we made it happen! It's our first semi-professional (attempt) at making a music video - here are some sneak preview shots:
My housemate and I were planning to visit Death Valley and decided that it would also be a perfect location for all these stunning scenery shots for our music video. Please pardon all our my awful attempts at looking like professionals (and failing terribly...); instead, gawk at how beautiful Death Valley is!
hehe that was the whole point, even if our singing was terrible and the video sucked, at least you get more amazing sceneries than the original MV offered hahaha.
Hope you'll enjoy this as much as we did in making it, and stay till the end for some behind-the-scenes bloopers!
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| Our emo shot at the Golden Canyon, which can also serve as our album cover (if we ever publish one) |
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| Jump Shot at Badwater (Salt Flats) |
Hope you'll enjoy this as much as we did in making it, and stay till the end for some behind-the-scenes bloopers!
Tuesday, January 03, 2017
my first experience with Death
I just heard the news from my parents that my grandma probably won't live past this Friday. She hasn't been doing well this past year - she was diagnosed with liver cancer last March and underwent surgery to cut out a portion of her liver and colon where it had spread to. She had to live with a stoma, and perhaps it's because of her age (she's 80) surgery created complications for her recovery. She had kidney failure so she needed dialysis three times a week, she kept getting infections and fevers so she would be admitted to the hospital for weeks at a time. Every time she's discharged she'll develop some other illness and had to be sent back to the hospital. My uncle and aunt put her in a hospice for a while but she had to go back to the hospital before long.
Finally, the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The only treatment is chemotherapy, but everyone agreed that she's not going to be able to take it. She's also been having low blood pressure because of the kidney dialysis, which means that blood may not be able to get to her heart or brain, i.e. her heart can stop anytime, she can go brain dead anytime. The doctor injected some medication for her to increase her blood pressure but it didn't work well and only gave her fainting spells.
Now, my grandma is in a comatose state, and hasn't been responsive since 12/23/16. My parents, uncle, aunt and the doctors have made the decision to stop her kidney dialysis so she won't suffer complications from low blood pressure. This is meant to end her suffering earlier rather than just keeping her alive with injections. This also means that there will be toxin buildup in my grandma's body, that her body will fail. That she will not live past the next few days.
I don't really know how I feel about this. Even though she's my grandma, I realized that I haven't been close to her at all - not during my childhood (I was in hk), not in my teens (my family didn't stay with her) nor in my adulthood (now that I'm in the us). She's just someone I visited every once in a few months, and got angpaos from during CNY. She had always been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember (she had a stroke in her 50s and couldn't walk properly since then), and she's always lived with my uncle or aunt. I got the feeling that my mum was never too close to her either, since my mum was often out working back in her youth, and then she moved out early on.
This is the first time a close relative of mine is dying, and with the very real implication of a funeral coming up. I feel compelled to take sick leave of bereavement (which I can) and fly back just for her funeral, and I'm willing to do that, though I never expected it would be so soon. My parents told me not to do that though, especially since I'm heading back next month. My mum said that my brother will represent me, and that she will get a funeral flower wreath on my brother's and my behalf.
I feel somewhat guilty that I never bothered to become closer to my grandma, that I never bothered to learn more about her and her life. That I was never interested in what she did, what she thought, what her life had been like, what wisdom she might be able to impart. She's always been there to smile at me awkwardly, ask me things about my work/whether I had a bf, and comment about the weather or a tv show. Never anything deep, never anything close. I don't feel sorry for not being closer, but I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel apathetic to your relatives, to someone you're not close to. I even feel some relief that I don't have to go for her funeral, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to cry for her.
I'm not sure how my mum feels about this. I've asked her several times if she's ok, and she always said that there's nothing to do about it, when ppl grow old this is what happens.
I know that the funeral is mainly for the ones who are left behind, so it's to support my mum, my uncle, and my aunt. Ppl who have cared and loved for my grandma and would need support at the time of her passing. When my mum says this, I always worry about whether I should still worry for her or not. It's all too confusing and foreign to me, and I honestly don't know what to do or feel. I am not a cold blooded animal, but sometimes I feel like I must be one if I don't feel for my grandma. All I feel is slight guilt, and pity for her. I worry about me growing old, and becoming like that. Suffering from poor health, not quite dead but dying? I'd hate it, I'd absolutely abhor it and I'd rather be dead. So I stop thinking about it and instead read books about assisted suicide, and how ppl choose to die rather than be a burden to their family and keep suffering in pain.
My thoughts are all a jumble right now, and the best I can do is to write this down, and then ignore it all. It's not going to be a momentous event to me when my grandma passes, but would it be if it's my mum? My dad? My brother?
Would I cry for them if it's them instead of my grandma? Why is it I don't miss them when I'm out here away from home, and when I do I mainly miss the cooking, the company, the comfort of having someone else to take care of me?
Am I really a cold person after all?
I wish my family had grown up closer and with more outward love and laughter, rather than expectations and pressure. I wish we could have been so close that it's normal to hug them and say I love them.
Is it possible to change this now? Do I even want to change this now?
Update 1/7/17 4.32am Singapore Time: my grandma has passed away, and the wake is being held starting this afternoon in Singapore in Marsiling, at the void deck of her old HDB home. I will not be attending, but in my heart I feel deeply for my grandma. I wish all the best for her, and I hope that she will finally find peace and be free of pain wherever she is now.
Finally, the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The only treatment is chemotherapy, but everyone agreed that she's not going to be able to take it. She's also been having low blood pressure because of the kidney dialysis, which means that blood may not be able to get to her heart or brain, i.e. her heart can stop anytime, she can go brain dead anytime. The doctor injected some medication for her to increase her blood pressure but it didn't work well and only gave her fainting spells.
Now, my grandma is in a comatose state, and hasn't been responsive since 12/23/16. My parents, uncle, aunt and the doctors have made the decision to stop her kidney dialysis so she won't suffer complications from low blood pressure. This is meant to end her suffering earlier rather than just keeping her alive with injections. This also means that there will be toxin buildup in my grandma's body, that her body will fail. That she will not live past the next few days.
I don't really know how I feel about this. Even though she's my grandma, I realized that I haven't been close to her at all - not during my childhood (I was in hk), not in my teens (my family didn't stay with her) nor in my adulthood (now that I'm in the us). She's just someone I visited every once in a few months, and got angpaos from during CNY. She had always been in a wheelchair for as long as I can remember (she had a stroke in her 50s and couldn't walk properly since then), and she's always lived with my uncle or aunt. I got the feeling that my mum was never too close to her either, since my mum was often out working back in her youth, and then she moved out early on.
This is the first time a close relative of mine is dying, and with the very real implication of a funeral coming up. I feel compelled to take sick leave of bereavement (which I can) and fly back just for her funeral, and I'm willing to do that, though I never expected it would be so soon. My parents told me not to do that though, especially since I'm heading back next month. My mum said that my brother will represent me, and that she will get a funeral flower wreath on my brother's and my behalf.
I feel somewhat guilty that I never bothered to become closer to my grandma, that I never bothered to learn more about her and her life. That I was never interested in what she did, what she thought, what her life had been like, what wisdom she might be able to impart. She's always been there to smile at me awkwardly, ask me things about my work/whether I had a bf, and comment about the weather or a tv show. Never anything deep, never anything close. I don't feel sorry for not being closer, but I feel guilty that I don't feel sorry. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel apathetic to your relatives, to someone you're not close to. I even feel some relief that I don't have to go for her funeral, since I'm pretty sure I won't be able to cry for her.
I'm not sure how my mum feels about this. I've asked her several times if she's ok, and she always said that there's nothing to do about it, when ppl grow old this is what happens.
I know that the funeral is mainly for the ones who are left behind, so it's to support my mum, my uncle, and my aunt. Ppl who have cared and loved for my grandma and would need support at the time of her passing. When my mum says this, I always worry about whether I should still worry for her or not. It's all too confusing and foreign to me, and I honestly don't know what to do or feel. I am not a cold blooded animal, but sometimes I feel like I must be one if I don't feel for my grandma. All I feel is slight guilt, and pity for her. I worry about me growing old, and becoming like that. Suffering from poor health, not quite dead but dying? I'd hate it, I'd absolutely abhor it and I'd rather be dead. So I stop thinking about it and instead read books about assisted suicide, and how ppl choose to die rather than be a burden to their family and keep suffering in pain.
My thoughts are all a jumble right now, and the best I can do is to write this down, and then ignore it all. It's not going to be a momentous event to me when my grandma passes, but would it be if it's my mum? My dad? My brother?
Would I cry for them if it's them instead of my grandma? Why is it I don't miss them when I'm out here away from home, and when I do I mainly miss the cooking, the company, the comfort of having someone else to take care of me?
Am I really a cold person after all?
I wish my family had grown up closer and with more outward love and laughter, rather than expectations and pressure. I wish we could have been so close that it's normal to hug them and say I love them.
Is it possible to change this now? Do I even want to change this now?
Update 1/7/17 4.32am Singapore Time: my grandma has passed away, and the wake is being held starting this afternoon in Singapore in Marsiling, at the void deck of her old HDB home. I will not be attending, but in my heart I feel deeply for my grandma. I wish all the best for her, and I hope that she will finally find peace and be free of pain wherever she is now.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
for comic relief hahaha
Merry Christmas folks! Here's our Christmas gift to all who are bored - I collaborated with my amazing housemate and friend to sing a duet cover of Jay Chou & A-Mei's Bu Gai - yes the one I recently just covered by myself, solo singing both parts. This time we did something quite different - we decided to experiment with having video to go with the audio, so we did a whole lip-syncing thing like pros do when they record MVs!
we even made sure to wear matching denim jackets - since i was wearing blue with white on the inside, she wore white with blue on the inside! also, she's channeling her inner jay chou while i'm channelling my inner a-mei hahahaha...
...except it ended up being more comical than anything else, and what with all our mistakes (i.e. my housemate kept forgetting when she's supposed to sing and when not to lol)...it just became comic relief....
so here you go! something to keep you laughing for AT LEAST 4 min, and if you're anything like me, it will keep you laughing for 30 min hahaha (i am replaying the video at least 10 times...)
sorry we made this tragic love song look so happy T.T... at least we're different from every other cover out there!
we even made sure to wear matching denim jackets - since i was wearing blue with white on the inside, she wore white with blue on the inside! also, she's channeling her inner jay chou while i'm channelling my inner a-mei hahahaha...
...except it ended up being more comical than anything else, and what with all our mistakes (i.e. my housemate kept forgetting when she's supposed to sing and when not to lol)...it just became comic relief....
so here you go! something to keep you laughing for AT LEAST 4 min, and if you're anything like me, it will keep you laughing for 30 min hahaha (i am replaying the video at least 10 times...)
sorry we made this tragic love song look so happy T.T... at least we're different from every other cover out there!
Monday, December 19, 2016
bridesmaid dress + my first videos guitar covers
I just got my bridesmaid dress for next year's wedding!! it's so pretty haha, and I can't wait to live my life-long dream of being a bridesmaid :) my favorite part that I'm looking forward to is the gatecrash, where I get to get some $$ and torture haze the bridesgroom and his bros hehe.
For those who didn't know, I've been learning the guitar, and I bought a second guitar to leave in Colorado where I've been travelling to for work. I've been practising that second guitar (in peace and quiet), with no worries about my housemates hearing me practising/singing haha. I'm really shy about practising in front of people. Say hi to Jasmine the Second! (Jasmine the First is my original guitar if you haven't guessed...)
Last night I was practising back home, and I suddenly had the thought of recording myself playing. It would give me much better feedback to know how terribly I play and how funny I must look playing the guitar. It also helped me boost my confidence/be prepared playing in front of people if I'm recording myself playing haha.
I realised it's really hard because usually I'm looking at my fingers either strumming or on the fretboard, but when I'm recording I had to make the effort to look at the camera (i.e. away from the guitar), and also look happier/not make stupid ugly faces...it's so difficult! Performing music is clearly so much more difficult than just practising by myself T.T
Look at my dumb face in the thumbnail hahaha!
Lastly, my favorite song these days to sing and play on the guitar!! there were a few funny mistakes in there haha but ignore them like I do, and all will be well in this world :)
Thursday, December 08, 2016
a little singing by myself :)
ever since I heard this song, I've wanted to record this song. this song literally gave me shivers down my spine and goosebumps on my arms. it's so good, especially with two of my most-admired mandopop singers finally collaborating.
I once recorded another duet of Jay Chou's (Shan Hu Hai), but have since lost the recording with my old laptop when the hard drive crashed. maybe I'll re-record it one day...I love learning two-part duets and singing in both voices, especially with all the harmonizing. it's so fun!!
I'll probably be recording this song with my housemate (since we both love it), so I guess we can look forward to another rendition of this song, where it won't be all me, myself and I ...(aren't you already sick of my voice by now? I totally am by the time I get to 2/3 of the song...)
here it is - enjoy!
I once recorded another duet of Jay Chou's (Shan Hu Hai), but have since lost the recording with my old laptop when the hard drive crashed. maybe I'll re-record it one day...I love learning two-part duets and singing in both voices, especially with all the harmonizing. it's so fun!!
I'll probably be recording this song with my housemate (since we both love it), so I guess we can look forward to another rendition of this song, where it won't be all me, myself and I ...(aren't you already sick of my voice by now? I totally am by the time I get to 2/3 of the song...)
here it is - enjoy!
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Not all that glitters is gold...
Ahah! What is today's post about? -drum rolls-
Well, it's been a looong time since I last went shopping. So today I went shopping for the first time in Denver with my coworkers! They were shopping for a white elephant gift for our holiday party in SF this weekend, and since I've already bought my gift (on Amazon, duh!) I just walked around shopping. Didn't see any shoes or work clothes that were nice and cheap enough, but I chanced upon this rare find!
It's pretty isn't it? I was just telling my friend that years ago when I was still with my ex, we would talk about wedding ring designs and I'd say that it's so boring to have just an expensive diamond ring, I'd rather have one with multicolored gems on it! I actually forgot about it until seeing this today, and I thought whoa! I've got to get it! It's the first time I've seen an actual multicolored gemstone jewelry and that made me so happy and excited, plus it was discounted 75%, plus another 10% on top of it!! What a steal!
So yeah if any of you see me wearing these festive and pretty colored earrings, you'll know the story behind that hehe! ^^
On a side note, I've been nominated by my firm for this award that I'll be applying for, it's essentially establishing me as a subject matter expert in supply chain and procurement, and I'm really not confident. The others who have been awarded before are all very experienced and have been doing this at least 10-20 more years than I have! But it's a great honor to even be considered, and no way I'm going to pass this great opportunity up. I'll try my best and see where this goes! I must say I'm really happy that I'm so well regarded by my company, and I really appreciate them promoting me this way :D
Also, I've signed up for volunteering as a pro bono consultant, just attended orientation today. I'm also excited at how this pans out...
Plus! I've signed up for swimming classes starting this week, I'm really proud of myself for finally doing it. no more fear of water and inefficient swimming for me! what with dance classes plus workouts plus dates plus travel everywhere, my life is really filling up!
Well, it's been a looong time since I last went shopping. So today I went shopping for the first time in Denver with my coworkers! They were shopping for a white elephant gift for our holiday party in SF this weekend, and since I've already bought my gift (on Amazon, duh!) I just walked around shopping. Didn't see any shoes or work clothes that were nice and cheap enough, but I chanced upon this rare find!
It's pretty isn't it? I was just telling my friend that years ago when I was still with my ex, we would talk about wedding ring designs and I'd say that it's so boring to have just an expensive diamond ring, I'd rather have one with multicolored gems on it! I actually forgot about it until seeing this today, and I thought whoa! I've got to get it! It's the first time I've seen an actual multicolored gemstone jewelry and that made me so happy and excited, plus it was discounted 75%, plus another 10% on top of it!! What a steal!
So yeah if any of you see me wearing these festive and pretty colored earrings, you'll know the story behind that hehe! ^^
On a side note, I've been nominated by my firm for this award that I'll be applying for, it's essentially establishing me as a subject matter expert in supply chain and procurement, and I'm really not confident. The others who have been awarded before are all very experienced and have been doing this at least 10-20 more years than I have! But it's a great honor to even be considered, and no way I'm going to pass this great opportunity up. I'll try my best and see where this goes! I must say I'm really happy that I'm so well regarded by my company, and I really appreciate them promoting me this way :D
Also, I've signed up for volunteering as a pro bono consultant, just attended orientation today. I'm also excited at how this pans out...
Plus! I've signed up for swimming classes starting this week, I'm really proud of myself for finally doing it. no more fear of water and inefficient swimming for me! what with dance classes plus workouts plus dates plus travel everywhere, my life is really filling up!
Monday, November 28, 2016
Bored
Facebook messenger: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas gift card to buy a dress and then I go get home or not I'll let it be a nice guy and I don't know actually what he is going on to say about the time he is my favorite dimsum at Christmas dinner"
That's what happens when you type in "this year for Christmas I want" and you see what the results end up being...
Text message: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas party to get to my house so I'll let it be a Christmas present next year lol I'm not looking at the snow anymore but I'm so happy I didn't get it out there lol I didn't know you was just the wrong guy to get a Christmas present from him and he didn't know it lol"
I use too many lols in my texts!
Blog: This year for Christmas I want "to be friends and family to go get home or not I can go get to the party and go to sleep and I have no friends with me to go get to brunch or dinner at night time and dinner party and friends then friends and friends friends and are nice and friends with me and friends then friends with me from the other side of my room"
I see what's going on here. I like food, party and friends a little too much...especially to "go get" them! clearly I'm too bored.
That's what happens when you type in "this year for Christmas I want" and you see what the results end up being...
Text message: This year for Christmas I want "a Christmas party to get to my house so I'll let it be a Christmas present next year lol I'm not looking at the snow anymore but I'm so happy I didn't get it out there lol I didn't know you was just the wrong guy to get a Christmas present from him and he didn't know it lol"
I use too many lols in my texts!
Blog: This year for Christmas I want "to be friends and family to go get home or not I can go get to the party and go to sleep and I have no friends with me to go get to brunch or dinner at night time and dinner party and friends then friends and friends friends and are nice and friends with me and friends then friends with me from the other side of my room"
I see what's going on here. I like food, party and friends a little too much...especially to "go get" them! clearly I'm too bored.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
lazy day
today is a lazy day to recover from the super busy day yesterday (brunch, tea then birthday party dinner and club/bar after). good to know i'm still doing well single and mingling ;)
i'm binge watching wongfu's youtube red videos series, "Single By 30", absolutely loving the two main characters. They're so beautiful together and have such great chemistry! I wish they're actually together in real life :(
my roommate and i absolutely loved this rendition of the main female lead's singing at the wedding in the series - i tube chopped it so you can enjoy the song :)
this made my day hahaha - when your average singaporean life becomes a korean drama xD https://www.facebook.com/sgag.sg/videos/1512638942084422/
i'm binge watching wongfu's youtube red videos series, "Single By 30", absolutely loving the two main characters. They're so beautiful together and have such great chemistry! I wish they're actually together in real life :(
my roommate and i absolutely loved this rendition of the main female lead's singing at the wedding in the series - i tube chopped it so you can enjoy the song :)
this made my day hahaha - when your average singaporean life becomes a korean drama xD https://www.facebook.com/sgag.sg/videos/1512638942084422/
Tuesday, November 01, 2016
I am liberated!!!
So....today I told the guy I like that I like him. Here's what I said:
"Can I tell you something? It's about us - I know you must have realized it by now, that I really like hanging out with you, I enjoy spending time with you, and that I like you...a lot. I know you're not looking for anything though, and that you don't want to start anything long distance, so I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, and I've decided to move on. I'm going to friend zone you, and we'll be cool as friends."
Then he said exactly what I expected - he's not looking for anything at this time. And if we hadn't met at this time, where he knows he's moving away to London, then maybe we can be possible. And I said gosh the right person but wrong time excuse!!
He also said that I'm a really cool person and that he really likes hanging out with me, and that he's sorry if he was sending mixed signals because he might have been doing that.
I said yeah I hate the uncertainty where we send mixed signals and lead each other on, I'd rather be upfront about it and honest with each other, and that's how we can be good friends. And I also mentioned that his friend was kind of sending signals to me but I figured the friend's just trying to matchmake us, not because he told the friend something about me...
When I said this: "Honestly, I've never felt happier with any other guy, not even with my previous bf", he went Aww and gave me a hug of sorts haha, and said he was very flattered.
Then I said , "I really don't want to let you go. But I'm going to let you go. And yes the friendzone does exist hahaha!!" He laughed at that :)
I reiterated that I don't want him to feel pressured, and that we can hang out some more as cool friends. I really don't want him to feel burdened by me liking him, especially when it's clear he likes me but definitely not enough to want to date me (esp not with the long distance!!)
I also told him that if I'm coming on too strong or anything, definitely let me know! Hahaha
So that's my first step to being a full fledged grown up, adult, someone who actually is upfront with her feelings and being really cool about it. Even I'm proud of myself for doing it, even though the delivery could be wayyy improved haha. I was so nervous that I just couldn't find the right time or opportunity to say it, and I kept wanting to chicken out or procrastinate it further! But I created the opportunity for it by asking him to walk with me to the bart/muni, and when I realised we were getting close I absolutely had to say it then!! So I did. I blundered through it and was kind of awkward (hopefully cute/funny awkward) but I warmed up to my lines. Thank goodness I've practiced these lines a few times beforehand so I don't screw them up hahaha.
And now, I truly feel liberated and relieved. I finally know exactly how he feels, no more second guessing or being tortured by mixed signals or being annoyed or frustrated by his lack of advancement. I've taken control of this relationship dynamic and now, I can truly move on and be friends with him. This is such a great learning experience for me haha. I'm super excited for the new me and for the upcoming days ahead!!!
P.s. And yes we made plans for dinner next week, and potentially brunch tmr...I probably will say no to brunch and I won't even bat an eyelid about it hahahaha! Because now I know that he likes me for who I am, as a friend with no expectations. So he's been asking me out because we are friends, and he won't stop asking me out just because he's "lost interest" in me the way other guys would when they like me. This means I can legitly hang out with him without any pressure yo!!
"Can I tell you something? It's about us - I know you must have realized it by now, that I really like hanging out with you, I enjoy spending time with you, and that I like you...a lot. I know you're not looking for anything though, and that you don't want to start anything long distance, so I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, and I've decided to move on. I'm going to friend zone you, and we'll be cool as friends."
Then he said exactly what I expected - he's not looking for anything at this time. And if we hadn't met at this time, where he knows he's moving away to London, then maybe we can be possible. And I said gosh the right person but wrong time excuse!!
He also said that I'm a really cool person and that he really likes hanging out with me, and that he's sorry if he was sending mixed signals because he might have been doing that.
I said yeah I hate the uncertainty where we send mixed signals and lead each other on, I'd rather be upfront about it and honest with each other, and that's how we can be good friends. And I also mentioned that his friend was kind of sending signals to me but I figured the friend's just trying to matchmake us, not because he told the friend something about me...
When I said this: "Honestly, I've never felt happier with any other guy, not even with my previous bf", he went Aww and gave me a hug of sorts haha, and said he was very flattered.
Then I said , "I really don't want to let you go. But I'm going to let you go. And yes the friendzone does exist hahaha!!" He laughed at that :)
I reiterated that I don't want him to feel pressured, and that we can hang out some more as cool friends. I really don't want him to feel burdened by me liking him, especially when it's clear he likes me but definitely not enough to want to date me (esp not with the long distance!!)
I also told him that if I'm coming on too strong or anything, definitely let me know! Hahaha
So that's my first step to being a full fledged grown up, adult, someone who actually is upfront with her feelings and being really cool about it. Even I'm proud of myself for doing it, even though the delivery could be wayyy improved haha. I was so nervous that I just couldn't find the right time or opportunity to say it, and I kept wanting to chicken out or procrastinate it further! But I created the opportunity for it by asking him to walk with me to the bart/muni, and when I realised we were getting close I absolutely had to say it then!! So I did. I blundered through it and was kind of awkward (hopefully cute/funny awkward) but I warmed up to my lines. Thank goodness I've practiced these lines a few times beforehand so I don't screw them up hahaha.
And now, I truly feel liberated and relieved. I finally know exactly how he feels, no more second guessing or being tortured by mixed signals or being annoyed or frustrated by his lack of advancement. I've taken control of this relationship dynamic and now, I can truly move on and be friends with him. This is such a great learning experience for me haha. I'm super excited for the new me and for the upcoming days ahead!!!
P.s. And yes we made plans for dinner next week, and potentially brunch tmr...I probably will say no to brunch and I won't even bat an eyelid about it hahahaha! Because now I know that he likes me for who I am, as a friend with no expectations. So he's been asking me out because we are friends, and he won't stop asking me out just because he's "lost interest" in me the way other guys would when they like me. This means I can legitly hang out with him without any pressure yo!!
Sunday, October 30, 2016
heartbroken
http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2016/03/if-he-wanted-to-be-with-you-he-would-be-with-you/
#it'stheheartbreakingtruth
"But think about the way you feel about him. How easy and natural and obvious it feels. How you don’t even need to question whether or not you should be with him, because it just feels right in your veins. How, even if you were scared of committing to someone or getting hurt or opening yourself up, you were still willing to do it, because your heart had already made up your mind. You wanted to be with him, so you were. The decision was simple. It really wasn’t even a decision at all.
Now can you imagine feeling all those things but choosing not to be with him anyway?
That’s why your heart is broken. Because he didn’t feel those things. He didn’t feel that same certainty that you did, deep in your bones. And you can’t change that, and you can’t fix yourself, and there’s nothing you did wrong. It’s just the truth. His heart didn’t make the decision for his brain, because his heart is in a different place from yours. And that really, really sucks. And you just have to accept it. And that sucks even more."
#it'stheheartbreakingtruth
do i put up shields to protect myself?
Two days ago, a coworker told me this over drinks, that I always have a poker face on, that I'm not really showing who I am. He said it in a candid manner, but I realised that when he said poker face - he meant my smile and happy face. I definitely DON'T have a poker face, haha I fail at poker so terribly.
So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.
When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.
For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.
But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught, and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).
Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?
--------------
on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.
for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:
Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.
So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.
If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...
So what he really meant was that I am putting up a shield or boundary when I'm at work, and holding back somewhat. It's what I've been taught since I was young and constantly in the corporate world actually, for me to stop being so chatty and expressive and crazy and weird. Be quiet. Be good. Be attentive. Be a prim and proper school girl.
When I'm at work, I really try to hold back because I don't want to be seen as a young immature girl, I want to be seen like a man. Strong, calm, in control, empowered, not affected by emotions. My default face is a smile, so I will show that smiling face when in doubt, when nervous, when I have no idea what to do. That's my face.
For those who know me, I usually wear my heart on the sleeve, and it's very clear how I feel based on my expressions and body language. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and oftentimes I try to show what I think/feel on purpose to "test waters", to see if people feel the same way I do and commiserate.
But at work, I definitely put on a thicker shield to protect myself. As I grow older and mature, I've learned to close myself off to all but my closest friends and the most foreign of strangers (e.g. uber drivers, or some random dude I met through CMB but I'll never see again). Is this what it means to be an adult? To have your adult game face on at all times, and not showcase your vulnerabilities or your crazy antics? This is what I've been taught, and I realize the backlash when you try to be a maverick or be different in a world that generally punishes it (unless you're like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, i.e. in tech and you're a man).
Anyhow, I was just surprised this coworker said that, because isn't this normal? We all have our own secrets and different faces for different situations. Does this mean he really wants to know who I am like behind this face? Or he was thinking more generally, that he wished everyone could be themselves at work instead of holding back?
--------------
on a side note, at yesterday's halloween party, this burkini dude (yes he wore a burkini as his costume, like ??? most unattractive costume everrr, plus it's crossdressing, dude. it's for women. totally uncool.) tried to ask me for my number. he spent over 10min trying to talk me into it, asking me what is my ideal first date, what do I like to do, and telling me all about his ideal first date. he tried so hard to make me talk, but I was too sober. I was too logical about it to actually give in to it. It was the first time I actually refused to give my number to a guy...and I felt so bad about it. his friend was standing next to me watching him fail miserably, and i was watching his friend watch me helplessly. it was an overall awkward situation, where there were at least 5 guys in the vicinity who could see this guy fail terribly. I felt so bad but I really had to say no.
for folks who know me well, I'm too nice to ever say no, I always give out my number to folks who ask for it, despite my better judgment sometimes. I usually think: I can always block them or figure it out later on. But I really couldn't give my number to this guy, not this guy. and here's why:
Over the course of the night he kept talking to me awkwardly, which was fine, but then he tried to touch me around my waist. I was surprised so I moved away. he never made a move on me again, until later on, he showed up with a dime in his palm. he showed it to me, and I asked, is this for me? he smiled and without a word, just put the dime down the front of my blouse. like he tried to put it down my bra or something, and I was so shocked I couldn't even think of what to do. I knew he wasn't trying to be offensive or anything, he was trying to act cool, to be someone he wasn't so he could get my attention. but no. no way i'm going to buy that. i felt offended, caught off guard, and it was so uncool. AND he was dressed in this unflattering metrosexual costume, and he was bad at making conversation, and he was not cute, he had absolutely nothing going in his favor. he was the worst, awkward, nerdy engineer guy ever, especially since he tried to act cool and be someone he wasn't and made that so obvious. that's the worst part. it was obvious he tried to act cool when he shouldn't have. The whole situation was so awkward I couldn't even believe it.
So yeah when he asked for my number in his awkward weird way, I said no...how about fb? I can deal with fb because lots of weirdos add me on fb and I've devised good ways to ignore them/respond to them appropriately. my number on the other hand, is my work phone number so I usually have to deal with texts and phone calls associated with work, and I'm more sensitive about giving away numbers. But no he said he hasn't had fb since 2008. So he's one of THOSE guys who try to be cool and make a statement about everything. so yeah no. sorry dude, no fb, no contact.
If i were drunk, it would have been funnier, but really it became kind of a sad funny. All i could think about was, gosh if only i'm hanging out with other friends, they're so much more fun/cooler than this crowd here...
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
musings on upbringing - how I wish I was brought up
I read this article on facebook, and thought this is so true! definitely how I would want to raise my kids in the future - http://qz.com/644491/a-stanford-dean-on-adult-skills-every-18-year-old-should-have/
That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.
The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.
I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....
Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.
For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.
That article also described exactly why I decided to leave my home and venture out into the world - I felt so stifled and couldn't stand being "spoiled" and "pampered" back home. My parents were constantly dictating my every move and pushing on me what they thought was right or wrong, which often times isn't quite right in every situation. I should have been brought up to learn those adult skills.
The way I was brought up has made me struggle in the corporate world, struggle to be a thinker, leader and pioneer. My schools, teachers, friends, and environment have helped empower me and negated some of those effects of my traditional Asian upbringing, but still it's so hard. I'm doing all these things for WIN right now (Women's Initiative Network), but I myself have been failing to be an empowered woman the way I wish I were.
I wish I had been taught all those adult skills by my parents, before I was 18, so I wouldn't have had such a hard time standing up for myself, getting on the phone and calling strangers, learning how to navigate the world with ease and worldliness....
Still I understand why my parents did what they did. They did what they thought was best for me, and they were over-protective, loving parents who just wanted to be part and parcel of my upbringing. They wanted to be strict and mold me into a "good" traditional Asian person, as that was how they were brought up to be. So even as I struggle, I appreciate their thought and love and care, and I'm grateful for all they've done for me.
For myself, and for my future kids, I definitely will keep this in mind and bring up my kids differently, empowering them and imparting these life skills that is tantamount to their success in the future. We all learn through experiences, and we've become wiser and more mature as time goes by. At least now I have most of those adult skills in the article, because I left home to be independent, to struggle through the world and learn those skills for myself. I don't have all of those skills yet, and those I do have still need some honing and refinement before I am truly a grown-up.
Friday, October 21, 2016
my favorite singer from my childhood
guess who?
Yes it's none other than Rainie Yang - my favorite singer from my childhood!!~
She's pretty amazing, started in the entertainment industry since she was 14 (with advertisements and a small role in a HK movie). She used to be called Lily Yang, but when she was 16, she auditioned successfully to join a girls' group called 4 in Love. Each member of the group was given a stage name that corresponded with the weather, so she was Rainie, and there were also Sunnie, Windie and Cloudie.
After two albums that didn't do too well, the group disbanded and only Rainie and Sunnie remained in the entertainment industry. Windie became a flight attendant (I actually saw her when I went for Rainie's 3rd album's autograph signing session in Singapore - Windie came to visit Rainie and it created a huge commotion as they were so happy hugging and catching up), Cloudie went off to college, and Sunnie became a host and comedian. Only Rainie stayed successful singing, acting, hosting and performing...and it's because of her persistence.
Rainie had to make money to pay off her dad's debts, and she really had passion for singing and acting. She is very hardworking and is a perfectionist, and kept working at it. She had a few blunders, where she offended Mainland Chinese by making thoughtless remarks on National TV on the Japanese Occupation (she thought it was 11 years long, and turned out it was "only" 8 years). It caused an uproar and a boycott of her dramas, songs and shows. She made an apology saying she didn't go to high school and she didn't know her history that well. She definitely did not do well back then.
I followed her love stories and her life and all her albums, from 1 through 10...and now that she just published her 10th album, I'm super excited to buy it!! One thing to note - she always changes her hairstyle for each album, it's always such a cool surprise to find out what her next style would be. This one showcased her in a carefree shoulder-length purple hair, which is almost like a rock star. It's amazing her transformation from "Cutie Princess" to today - so mature, so rock-punkish!
Can you guess which of the polaroids below is my favorite one? :D
It's almost with nostalgia and fond memories of my childhood (I've been following her since 2003!), that I look through these polaroids and think about the various albums I listened to over the years.
Found out which one is my favorite polaroid yet? If you did a Ctrl+F you might actually find it hahaha...
Yes it's none other than Rainie Yang - my favorite singer from my childhood!!~
She's pretty amazing, started in the entertainment industry since she was 14 (with advertisements and a small role in a HK movie). She used to be called Lily Yang, but when she was 16, she auditioned successfully to join a girls' group called 4 in Love. Each member of the group was given a stage name that corresponded with the weather, so she was Rainie, and there were also Sunnie, Windie and Cloudie.
After two albums that didn't do too well, the group disbanded and only Rainie and Sunnie remained in the entertainment industry. Windie became a flight attendant (I actually saw her when I went for Rainie's 3rd album's autograph signing session in Singapore - Windie came to visit Rainie and it created a huge commotion as they were so happy hugging and catching up), Cloudie went off to college, and Sunnie became a host and comedian. Only Rainie stayed successful singing, acting, hosting and performing...and it's because of her persistence.
Rainie had to make money to pay off her dad's debts, and she really had passion for singing and acting. She is very hardworking and is a perfectionist, and kept working at it. She had a few blunders, where she offended Mainland Chinese by making thoughtless remarks on National TV on the Japanese Occupation (she thought it was 11 years long, and turned out it was "only" 8 years). It caused an uproar and a boycott of her dramas, songs and shows. She made an apology saying she didn't go to high school and she didn't know her history that well. She definitely did not do well back then.
I followed her love stories and her life and all her albums, from 1 through 10...and now that she just published her 10th album, I'm super excited to buy it!! One thing to note - she always changes her hairstyle for each album, it's always such a cool surprise to find out what her next style would be. This one showcased her in a carefree shoulder-length purple hair, which is almost like a rock star. It's amazing her transformation from "Cutie Princess" to today - so mature, so rock-punkish!
Can you guess which of the polaroids below is my favorite one? :D
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| Her album cover + 10 polaroids, 1 on each of her albums and famous songs from the corresponding album! |
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| Love that purple hair - how does she still look so young when she's 32??! |
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| Her 2nd album - one of my favorite ones haha |
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| For this album, she sported that funky jellyfish hairstyle |
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| My favorite song here - Dai4 Wo3 Zou3 |
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| ahh this is my favorite polaroid of them all hahaha. She's so cute!! Also has my all-time favorite Rainie Song - Yu3 Ai4 here :D |
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| Looking up? |
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| More mature album |
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| This album was kindof mystical, definitely not her usual style |
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| This album had a lot of good, mature songs. I like Dian3 Shui3 and Shi1 Yi4 De Jin1 Yu2 best! |
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| This is her newest album. So cool! And definitely go listen to her new album songs - my favorites are Dan1 (Being Single) and Guan1 Zhong4 (Audience) |
Found out which one is my favorite polaroid yet? If you did a Ctrl+F you might actually find it hahaha...
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
To confess, or not to confess?
This was written 10/18/16:
There's a guy I like, we're friends right now and I think we have great chemistry. I feel happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy I've gone on dates with, which is saying a lot. He's super nice and makes me happy - but there are a lot of things in the way. My pride, his pride, him sending mixed signals - he's super nice to me, but he's not responsive to my texts. he's super enthusiastic about hanging out, but he never asks me out first - i have been asking him out. we have great bonding moments but when asked what he's looking for now, he says he's "going to peace out until London". he doesn't want LDR, but I honestly think if he likes someone enough, he will be willing to do LDR for that person. How can I become that person?
Ok so with all these thoughts, I talked it through with my housemate and he gave some good analysis. We decided to put it all into a probability graphing model, based on my current assessments of probabilities as of 11pm PST on Saturday 10/15/16, the day after I just had a great time with him (we had dinner at Fogo de Chao and pretended it's my birthday just so we could get free dessert hahaha). this is just the 2nd time we hung out one-on-one, but it's the 5th time we have met up in person, quite promising right? ;)
This model plots the following variables:
k - whether he knows Joy likes him or not
c - whether he has good character or not (not asshole or asshole?)
l - whether he likes Joy a lot or not
j - whether Joy likes him a lot or not
Probabilities right now are at
k1 = 0.8
c1 = 0.95
l1 = 0.5
j1 = 1
where 1 indicates the positive attribute (e.g. k1 = he knows Joy likes him, c1 = he is nice and not an asshole). Yes at current assessment j1 is known, so it's 1 xD
Conclusions are as follows:
C1 = He treats Joy nicely because he thinks you're good friends - Confess
C2 = He's an asshole, he's playing with your feelings and leading you on - DON'T Confess
C3 = He was trying to hint that he doesn't really like you, let's stay friends - DON'T Confess
C4 = He wants to see if it's worth a potential LDR and go for the relationship - Confess
C5 = Joy should move on - DON'T Confess (this was added after the photo was taken, I also added the j0 option that Joy doesn't like him a lot, which leads to C5)
If it's conclusions 1 and 4, I should confess. If it's conclusions 2 and 3, I should not confess.
Based on these probabilities, we currently have P(C1) + P(C4) = 0.38 + 0.2 = 0.58, which means I should confess. So if he's standing here right in front of me, right now, I will confess.
Unfortunately the probabilities are going to change in the next week. If P(l1) < 0.4, or P(j1) < 0.79, or for certain combinations between 0.4 < P(l1) < 0.5 AND 0.79 < P(j1) < 1, I shouldn't confess. So these probabilities will change because if he doesn't text me in the next week, I am going to lower his probability of liking Joy a lot to less than 50%, and possibly less than 40%. If I think he doesn't like me much, I'm going to not like him as much too, so I'll lower the probability of Joy liking him a lot to less than 100%, which means it's going to move towards I should not confess.
Then again, maybe I should heck care all these and just let him know. I mean, I have nothing to lose other than my pride right? And guys are always willing to confess even though they know they're going to be rejected, why can't I? I should stop being a scaredy cat and chicken out, I should be an empowered woman and go-getter and go for what I want! If I want to get to know him better and hang out more with him, I'm going to tell him exactly that. If we don't work out, then we don't. At least we've tried right?
Wish me best of luck - we'll find out in a week. I'm not going to ask him out for a week just to see if he will make the first move - if he does then yes confession is so going to happen. If he doesn't, I'm going to ask him out and I'll -try- to confess - TBD based on probability re-assessments at that point in time xD
Hahaha i'm currently excited and scared and anxious and happy and euphoric all at once - it's been a long while since i've been so motivated by liking someone! it's refreshing and fun, and for once I'm actually going to do something about it!
(p.s. that love letter i wrote to the crush I had when I was 12 doesn't quite count...that's a story for another time hehe)
There's a guy I like, we're friends right now and I think we have great chemistry. I feel happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy I've gone on dates with, which is saying a lot. He's super nice and makes me happy - but there are a lot of things in the way. My pride, his pride, him sending mixed signals - he's super nice to me, but he's not responsive to my texts. he's super enthusiastic about hanging out, but he never asks me out first - i have been asking him out. we have great bonding moments but when asked what he's looking for now, he says he's "going to peace out until London". he doesn't want LDR, but I honestly think if he likes someone enough, he will be willing to do LDR for that person. How can I become that person?
Ok so with all these thoughts, I talked it through with my housemate and he gave some good analysis. We decided to put it all into a probability graphing model, based on my current assessments of probabilities as of 11pm PST on Saturday 10/15/16, the day after I just had a great time with him (we had dinner at Fogo de Chao and pretended it's my birthday just so we could get free dessert hahaha). this is just the 2nd time we hung out one-on-one, but it's the 5th time we have met up in person, quite promising right? ;)
This model plots the following variables:
k - whether he knows Joy likes him or not
c - whether he has good character or not (not asshole or asshole?)
l - whether he likes Joy a lot or not
j - whether Joy likes him a lot or not
Probabilities right now are at
k1 = 0.8
c1 = 0.95
l1 = 0.5
j1 = 1
where 1 indicates the positive attribute (e.g. k1 = he knows Joy likes him, c1 = he is nice and not an asshole). Yes at current assessment j1 is known, so it's 1 xD
Conclusions are as follows:
C1 = He treats Joy nicely because he thinks you're good friends - Confess
C2 = He's an asshole, he's playing with your feelings and leading you on - DON'T Confess
C3 = He was trying to hint that he doesn't really like you, let's stay friends - DON'T Confess
C4 = He wants to see if it's worth a potential LDR and go for the relationship - Confess
C5 = Joy should move on - DON'T Confess (this was added after the photo was taken, I also added the j0 option that Joy doesn't like him a lot, which leads to C5)
If it's conclusions 1 and 4, I should confess. If it's conclusions 2 and 3, I should not confess.
Based on these probabilities, we currently have P(C1) + P(C4) = 0.38 + 0.2 = 0.58, which means I should confess. So if he's standing here right in front of me, right now, I will confess.
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| Yes this is the actual diagram we drew on a glassboard at 11pm PST on Sat, 10/15/16. thanks housemate xD |
Then again, maybe I should heck care all these and just let him know. I mean, I have nothing to lose other than my pride right? And guys are always willing to confess even though they know they're going to be rejected, why can't I? I should stop being a scaredy cat and chicken out, I should be an empowered woman and go-getter and go for what I want! If I want to get to know him better and hang out more with him, I'm going to tell him exactly that. If we don't work out, then we don't. At least we've tried right?
Wish me best of luck - we'll find out in a week. I'm not going to ask him out for a week just to see if he will make the first move - if he does then yes confession is so going to happen. If he doesn't, I'm going to ask him out and I'll -try- to confess - TBD based on probability re-assessments at that point in time xD
Hahaha i'm currently excited and scared and anxious and happy and euphoric all at once - it's been a long while since i've been so motivated by liking someone! it's refreshing and fun, and for once I'm actually going to do something about it!
(p.s. that love letter i wrote to the crush I had when I was 12 doesn't quite count...that's a story for another time hehe)
Saturday, October 15, 2016
February30th and random musings
Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we talked about our past. This great friend of mine said February 30th, in all seriousness and really thought that was the correct date of the event he was describing.
Haha it absolutely cracked me up because at first I thought he was trolling me, but no he really thought it was 2/30!! I cleared that up shortly, but not before gaining much amusement from it.
HAHAHA!! XD
So that made me think of all the cool names we've heard over the years, things like 13 o'clock, the 5th season, the 25th hour. February 30th is the first I've heard, but that's a pretty good oddity to keep in my back pocket. If ever a guy asks me on a date and I want to reject him in a funny way, I'll say sure, but only on February 30th all right?
All jokes aside, I'm excited to go for maroon 5's concert tomorrow! That shall be the highlight of my weekend hehe
Annndd I'm super happy right now, I just got a confirmed upgrade to first class on both my flights to and back from Cancun...that's wayyy beyond my expectations! They changed the plane so there are more first class seats ^^
Life is pretty good for me now :D
Haha it absolutely cracked me up because at first I thought he was trolling me, but no he really thought it was 2/30!! I cleared that up shortly, but not before gaining much amusement from it.
HAHAHA!! XD
So that made me think of all the cool names we've heard over the years, things like 13 o'clock, the 5th season, the 25th hour. February 30th is the first I've heard, but that's a pretty good oddity to keep in my back pocket. If ever a guy asks me on a date and I want to reject him in a funny way, I'll say sure, but only on February 30th all right?
All jokes aside, I'm excited to go for maroon 5's concert tomorrow! That shall be the highlight of my weekend hehe
Annndd I'm super happy right now, I just got a confirmed upgrade to first class on both my flights to and back from Cancun...that's wayyy beyond my expectations! They changed the plane so there are more first class seats ^^
Life is pretty good for me now :D
Friday, October 07, 2016
time for that english song guitar cover ;)
Yep it's finally time for...wait for it....-drumrolls-
...the long-awaited English song guitar cover! -applause-
I've clearly been keeping all of you waiting a while for this, I haven't posted an english song cover in months, not since "All of Me" way back when. I just learned this song on the guitar last weekend (perks of being freer due to not traveling for work this week!), and I absolutely adore this song.
I sang it in a happy style rather than sad, mostly because I'm playing it at a faster tempo (and at a higher pitch) than the original song. It did make me happy to sing it haha, guess it would be different if I'm really head over heels in love the way Bella and Edward were. I also experimented with more harmonizing and a little fun improv humming at the end! :D
So I hereby present...A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, as sung and performed by yours truly! :D
p.s. Someone actually asked me who did the harmonizing - "Who's the person harmonizing with you it works so well 🙂"? The answer is - it's me myself and I! I recorded another harmonizing track over my guitar/song track, just because I love harmonizing to songs (just ask anyone who has gone to karaoke with me in recent years haha)...glad you guys are enjoying the harmonizing!
...the long-awaited English song guitar cover! -applause-
I've clearly been keeping all of you waiting a while for this, I haven't posted an english song cover in months, not since "All of Me" way back when. I just learned this song on the guitar last weekend (perks of being freer due to not traveling for work this week!), and I absolutely adore this song.
I sang it in a happy style rather than sad, mostly because I'm playing it at a faster tempo (and at a higher pitch) than the original song. It did make me happy to sing it haha, guess it would be different if I'm really head over heels in love the way Bella and Edward were. I also experimented with more harmonizing and a little fun improv humming at the end! :D
So I hereby present...A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, as sung and performed by yours truly! :D
p.s. Someone actually asked me who did the harmonizing - "Who's the person harmonizing with you it works so well 🙂"? The answer is - it's me myself and I! I recorded another harmonizing track over my guitar/song track, just because I love harmonizing to songs (just ask anyone who has gone to karaoke with me in recent years haha)...glad you guys are enjoying the harmonizing!
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Why is the real world so hard?
I can't even see what I'm writing right now.
My vision is constantly blurring up as my eyes tear up, and these salty liquid products of our eyes just keep flowing uncontrollably.
I know I felt bad the last time at work because I was put in a powerless position and cried afterwards, but this time it's worse. I was being ranted at by someone at the client who was totally out of line. He not only made me feel bad and powerless, he was being verbally abusive in tone and language.
I'm definitely a lightweight at this and I cried during the call and just never said anything. What could I have said?
I cried for the first time in front of my boss and my coworker and I felt so embarrassed and incompetent but I know it's not my fault - it's definitely the worst call I have been on. My boss talked to the big boss and he's going to file a complaint against that client - it's not the first time the guy's done it to others at work (within the client). I'm feeling vindicated but still I cry, I wonder why?
The big boss told me to just think of that guy as an idiot, and not take it to heart/don't think about it. I want to be strong, I'm acting like I'm really strong and happy but I'm really a softie inside, I really can't take insults and rejection and not being liked easily. In a way, this is my true experience of real world now - there are way too many idiots like him out there that I have to learn to deal with.
The big boss also told me how he would have dealt with it - he wouldn't have kept quiet. He would have stood up to him and said dude, knock it off. I don't appreciate the tone you're taking with me here. And if the guy continues, you can say I think we can stop here and just hang up. Then escalate to the big boss so he can handle it. It's nothing to do with you, it's him trying to talk big and he's really weak inside. If you don't say anything, he'll never know there's an issue.
So here I am sitting in the bathroom, the only place I know that has privacy and away from prying eyes. My tears have finally slowed, and I need to find time to get my wits back together and look normal again. Let me try on my smile again -grins widely-
Very nice. How about without those red watery eyes and stuffy nose?
-blows them out and wipe tears away-
Good. How about getting some water to replenish those tears, look outside at some trees, and get some snacks! Isn't it great to be alive, healthy and no one is shooting at you?
Think positive here. I know we hate the real world but it is the real world we live in. No don't let those tears fall again no!
My vision is constantly blurring up as my eyes tear up, and these salty liquid products of our eyes just keep flowing uncontrollably.
I know I felt bad the last time at work because I was put in a powerless position and cried afterwards, but this time it's worse. I was being ranted at by someone at the client who was totally out of line. He not only made me feel bad and powerless, he was being verbally abusive in tone and language.
I'm definitely a lightweight at this and I cried during the call and just never said anything. What could I have said?
I cried for the first time in front of my boss and my coworker and I felt so embarrassed and incompetent but I know it's not my fault - it's definitely the worst call I have been on. My boss talked to the big boss and he's going to file a complaint against that client - it's not the first time the guy's done it to others at work (within the client). I'm feeling vindicated but still I cry, I wonder why?
The big boss told me to just think of that guy as an idiot, and not take it to heart/don't think about it. I want to be strong, I'm acting like I'm really strong and happy but I'm really a softie inside, I really can't take insults and rejection and not being liked easily. In a way, this is my true experience of real world now - there are way too many idiots like him out there that I have to learn to deal with.
The big boss also told me how he would have dealt with it - he wouldn't have kept quiet. He would have stood up to him and said dude, knock it off. I don't appreciate the tone you're taking with me here. And if the guy continues, you can say I think we can stop here and just hang up. Then escalate to the big boss so he can handle it. It's nothing to do with you, it's him trying to talk big and he's really weak inside. If you don't say anything, he'll never know there's an issue.
So here I am sitting in the bathroom, the only place I know that has privacy and away from prying eyes. My tears have finally slowed, and I need to find time to get my wits back together and look normal again. Let me try on my smile again -grins widely-
Very nice. How about without those red watery eyes and stuffy nose?
-blows them out and wipe tears away-
Good. How about getting some water to replenish those tears, look outside at some trees, and get some snacks! Isn't it great to be alive, healthy and no one is shooting at you?
Think positive here. I know we hate the real world but it is the real world we live in. No don't let those tears fall again no!
Thursday, September 01, 2016
Helpless
for the first time in a long time, i feel helpless. 我真的无可奈何，又愤怒、又无能为力、只能一而再，再而三地回想起到底发生了什么事。我当时该做什么呢？现在到底又能做些什么，是否能改变那结果呢？
我真的太自以为是了，真的以为大家都会听信我的话。我真的太傻，太无知了。
I've been so stupid. I've been overconfident. I really thought that things would go just the way I wanted to because I had all this information in my hands..until someone else came in with "more information" that I had no idea about, so I couldn't do more research into it and speak up against it.
I got blindsided by someone and something I had no control over - which is so frustrating because my job is to be the advisor, the knowledgeable one with the expertise, the one with the influence and charm to get the right recommendation on the table. I can feel my Asianness coming through, my femaleness, my nice girlness, where I get scared with things I'm not sure about and refuse to speak up, and let others take control. I should have been DIFFERENT. How can I be different???
I couldn't believe how fast the whole decision unraveled on that one point, and I could only watch helplessly as the train went down the hill and I couldn't pull it back to go the way I wanted. Maybe I should learn to let it go, but I really don't want to!!
I really want to learn to be experienced and while I listen to others and take their advice, I want to be able to influence others to make the right decisions.
Was their decision correct? I don't know, somehow it feels kind of unfair and wrong, and I feel some regret but I don't know what else I could have done differently. I should have called my expert in who knows more, but by that time the decision and conversation was driven by someone else - not me. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't!
Even when things were in my favor I let someone else take control and change direction, I was the train driver and then I wasn't, I was thrown unceremoniously into the back of the train and someone else hijacked it. I had no backup plan. I never even thought about this situation occurring that I just sat there dumbfounded, letting others do whatever they wanted and I just sat back and went with the flow. It makes me so frustrated and pained and regretful that I'm so powerless in these decisions. What should I do from now?
How can I be different???
Upon further reflection, I realise that this is part and parcel of consultant life - we are always going to be outsiders no matter how ingrained we may become at the client. We never really have real control, so I need to learn to be persuasive and influential to get others to listen to me. I need real skills rather than believe that they'll listen to you just because they've always listened to you in the past...I need to be more assertive and speak up at the right moments and point out mistakes without coming across as presumptuous or aggressive. This is why consulting is so difficult...
我真的太自以为是了，真的以为大家都会听信我的话。我真的太傻，太无知了。
I've been so stupid. I've been overconfident. I really thought that things would go just the way I wanted to because I had all this information in my hands..until someone else came in with "more information" that I had no idea about, so I couldn't do more research into it and speak up against it.
I got blindsided by someone and something I had no control over - which is so frustrating because my job is to be the advisor, the knowledgeable one with the expertise, the one with the influence and charm to get the right recommendation on the table. I can feel my Asianness coming through, my femaleness, my nice girlness, where I get scared with things I'm not sure about and refuse to speak up, and let others take control. I should have been DIFFERENT. How can I be different???
I couldn't believe how fast the whole decision unraveled on that one point, and I could only watch helplessly as the train went down the hill and I couldn't pull it back to go the way I wanted. Maybe I should learn to let it go, but I really don't want to!!
I really want to learn to be experienced and while I listen to others and take their advice, I want to be able to influence others to make the right decisions.
Was their decision correct? I don't know, somehow it feels kind of unfair and wrong, and I feel some regret but I don't know what else I could have done differently. I should have called my expert in who knows more, but by that time the decision and conversation was driven by someone else - not me. I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't!
Even when things were in my favor I let someone else take control and change direction, I was the train driver and then I wasn't, I was thrown unceremoniously into the back of the train and someone else hijacked it. I had no backup plan. I never even thought about this situation occurring that I just sat there dumbfounded, letting others do whatever they wanted and I just sat back and went with the flow. It makes me so frustrated and pained and regretful that I'm so powerless in these decisions. What should I do from now?
How can I be different???
Upon further reflection, I realise that this is part and parcel of consultant life - we are always going to be outsiders no matter how ingrained we may become at the client. We never really have real control, so I need to learn to be persuasive and influential to get others to listen to me. I need real skills rather than believe that they'll listen to you just because they've always listened to you in the past...I need to be more assertive and speak up at the right moments and point out mistakes without coming across as presumptuous or aggressive. This is why consulting is so difficult...
Monday, August 01, 2016
The Little Joys and Happiness of Life
I finally got around to putting together another guitar cover! I've been wanting to make a cover of this song for the longest time, it's called Xiao Xing Yun (A Little Happiness) by Hebe Tian! Yes I know, I know, yet another Chinese song...I'll be working on more english guitar covers after this, I promise!
Anyhow, this is such a beautiful and sorrowful song that I just had to do this cover playing the guitar. I made the guitar arrangement so it would sound soulful, exactly representing the lyrics, mood and feel of the song when I first heard it. Also, this time I did something different and added some harmony vocals, you'll notice it if you persevere to the back half ;)
i love making music so much, especially with singing! Guitar playing has definitely significantly improved my quality of life and happiness level - it fully complements singing so well!!
Anyhow, this is such a beautiful and sorrowful song that I just had to do this cover playing the guitar. I made the guitar arrangement so it would sound soulful, exactly representing the lyrics, mood and feel of the song when I first heard it. Also, this time I did something different and added some harmony vocals, you'll notice it if you persevere to the back half ;)
i love making music so much, especially with singing! Guitar playing has definitely significantly improved my quality of life and happiness level - it fully complements singing so well!!
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Fun on a Saturday afternoon
Hi all!
Finally completed my long-awaited wish to record a duet cover with my great friend and singer Qiyan (username: miffyan). She has a beautiful voice and wonderful songs on her youtube channel so you're welcome to subscribe to her channel!
Music makes me feel happy, this is one of my happiest Saturday afternoons in a long time, such fun!
Finally completed my long-awaited wish to record a duet cover with my great friend and singer Qiyan (username: miffyan). She has a beautiful voice and wonderful songs on her youtube channel so you're welcome to subscribe to her channel!
Music makes me feel happy, this is one of my happiest Saturday afternoons in a long time, such fun!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
scary dreams influenced by waking thoughts
Saturday night I watched a parody of the popular korean drama DOTS (descendents of the sun for those who have no idea), and it's hilarious! I also talked to my friend about a mutual friend who's getting married (let's call her A), and I also thought about the orlando shooting because it's gay pride weekend. I read a story about how one of the victims ran to the bathroom and was trapped there, scared while texting his mum. Eventually, the shooter came in and killed them all.
All these waking thoughts I had right before I went to bed definitely influenced my dreams the next morning, and here's my account of the dream. Believe it or not, I do have pretty wild dreams that sound just like a teenage drama lol...
I dreamt about a guy who was super hot and tall and looked like he's a Korean star (duh) but it turned out he was a bad guy pretending to be a good guy. My friend A was in the dream as a pregnant woman (guess it's the next logical step after her marriage), and she's carrying out a mission as part of my team. Unfortunately on the way there, she went into labor in the cab and they rushed her to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor was so useless and told her it only takes an hour. He then made her lie on the gurney for an hour, then discharged her. The baby wasn't delivered yet lol...
In the meantime, the rest of the team (me included) went to a house and accidentally scattered lots of stuff under the bed. When I crawled through the mess under the bed, I found all kinds of incriminating evidence and we realized that the bad guy was actually bad.
Fast forward, we rushed to the school and ended up in the school bathrooms. For some unknown reason we were all unarmed, probably because we didn't expect the bad guy to be armed. In the bathrooms, we saw blood splatter round the corner with a ringing gunshot, and quickly pressed ourselves against the wall. It was too late.
The bad guy walked round the corner and as he saw us, he shot around 5-8 times near us but missed deliberately. I was so scared I was shaking and I closed my eyes, certain I'd be dead if I looked at him. Then he stopped and when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me. His eyes were wild and he was smiling maniacally with a look that said you guys are doomed, but he gave me a special look, like you've got to understand...I felt so disappointed because I was in love with him, and finding out he's such a bad guy made me feel so dumb and anguished. What were we thinking, coming here unarmed to confront him? We probably thought he's still got good in him.
While he got distracted by the rest asking him why, I bolted for the door. I was certain he wouldn't kill me, he loved me too...right? Maybe he would shoot my leg but not to kill....
The moment I opened the door, I had a flash of uncertainty but I shook off any hesitation and ran for my life. I ran to the PE storeroom and locked the door. A friend/ally was in the room and I explained the situation to her. She was horrified and agreed to help, though she's like "You locked us in! How are we going to get out and help!!!"
I said there, pointing to the back of the storeroom. It's covered in blinds but once you open them it leads to the gym. We jumped down the ledge into the gym, and went round back to the bathrooms. The dream skipped a few more frames and we both ended up in schoolgirl uniforms going up stairs, and I'm no longer seeing this from first person perspective. It's back to 3rd person and I'm looking down on a girl who's supposed to be "me" but really looks like a redhead white girl.
The hot bad guy saw the white girl who is "me" at the top of the stairs, and smiled happily. He said, "I knew you'd come back!" kind of thing, and she/me pretended to be on his side but would later try kill him.
At this point, the dream skipped to the end, which looked like the end of a play. It was a dark room with a black backdrop (must be influenced by the Sleep No More play lol), and the she/me girl was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, with the friend/ally standing behind her. The friend was holding the white girl's hair up and started snipping horizontally with a pair of metal scissors, all the while looking straight at the "camera"/audience while saying her lines. Something poetic about revenge is sweet and he never saw it coming, and I assumed that meant the guy was dead and the mission succeeded!
However, the bad guy appeared at that moment and smiled at the audience, as if to say hey I'm not dead! It turned out that maybe the white girl was dead instead because her hair was getting cut off (as a symbolic analogy to her head getting cut off). So the mission failed after all and he must have found out the girl betrayed him and killed her off...
Anyhow I woke up at this point, feeling absolutely anguished and pained because it hurt to be betrayed by someone you love, it's tormenting to have to kill someone you love, and it's even more painful for him to show no mercy towards you and try to kill you. It felt awful, and it was so terrifying having a gun pointed at me and shooting at me in the bathroom scene! My brain could still feel the pain as though the bullets were tearing through my flesh (even though they all missed thanks to my brain's self-preservation and desire to keep the dream "me" alive). I was wincing and shaking so hard with fear and my heart was pounding so fast, it definitely felt all too real.
Gosh my brain is too hyperactive!! It's making me live through scary moments and experiences in dreamworld!!
All these waking thoughts I had right before I went to bed definitely influenced my dreams the next morning, and here's my account of the dream. Believe it or not, I do have pretty wild dreams that sound just like a teenage drama lol...
I dreamt about a guy who was super hot and tall and looked like he's a Korean star (duh) but it turned out he was a bad guy pretending to be a good guy. My friend A was in the dream as a pregnant woman (guess it's the next logical step after her marriage), and she's carrying out a mission as part of my team. Unfortunately on the way there, she went into labor in the cab and they rushed her to the hospital. At the hospital, the doctor was so useless and told her it only takes an hour. He then made her lie on the gurney for an hour, then discharged her. The baby wasn't delivered yet lol...
In the meantime, the rest of the team (me included) went to a house and accidentally scattered lots of stuff under the bed. When I crawled through the mess under the bed, I found all kinds of incriminating evidence and we realized that the bad guy was actually bad.
Fast forward, we rushed to the school and ended up in the school bathrooms. For some unknown reason we were all unarmed, probably because we didn't expect the bad guy to be armed. In the bathrooms, we saw blood splatter round the corner with a ringing gunshot, and quickly pressed ourselves against the wall. It was too late.
The bad guy walked round the corner and as he saw us, he shot around 5-8 times near us but missed deliberately. I was so scared I was shaking and I closed my eyes, certain I'd be dead if I looked at him. Then he stopped and when I opened my eyes, he was staring at me. His eyes were wild and he was smiling maniacally with a look that said you guys are doomed, but he gave me a special look, like you've got to understand...I felt so disappointed because I was in love with him, and finding out he's such a bad guy made me feel so dumb and anguished. What were we thinking, coming here unarmed to confront him? We probably thought he's still got good in him.
While he got distracted by the rest asking him why, I bolted for the door. I was certain he wouldn't kill me, he loved me too...right? Maybe he would shoot my leg but not to kill....
The moment I opened the door, I had a flash of uncertainty but I shook off any hesitation and ran for my life. I ran to the PE storeroom and locked the door. A friend/ally was in the room and I explained the situation to her. She was horrified and agreed to help, though she's like "You locked us in! How are we going to get out and help!!!"
I said there, pointing to the back of the storeroom. It's covered in blinds but once you open them it leads to the gym. We jumped down the ledge into the gym, and went round back to the bathrooms. The dream skipped a few more frames and we both ended up in schoolgirl uniforms going up stairs, and I'm no longer seeing this from first person perspective. It's back to 3rd person and I'm looking down on a girl who's supposed to be "me" but really looks like a redhead white girl.
The hot bad guy saw the white girl who is "me" at the top of the stairs, and smiled happily. He said, "I knew you'd come back!" kind of thing, and she/me pretended to be on his side but would later try kill him.
At this point, the dream skipped to the end, which looked like the end of a play. It was a dark room with a black backdrop (must be influenced by the Sleep No More play lol), and the she/me girl was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, with the friend/ally standing behind her. The friend was holding the white girl's hair up and started snipping horizontally with a pair of metal scissors, all the while looking straight at the "camera"/audience while saying her lines. Something poetic about revenge is sweet and he never saw it coming, and I assumed that meant the guy was dead and the mission succeeded!
However, the bad guy appeared at that moment and smiled at the audience, as if to say hey I'm not dead! It turned out that maybe the white girl was dead instead because her hair was getting cut off (as a symbolic analogy to her head getting cut off). So the mission failed after all and he must have found out the girl betrayed him and killed her off...
Anyhow I woke up at this point, feeling absolutely anguished and pained because it hurt to be betrayed by someone you love, it's tormenting to have to kill someone you love, and it's even more painful for him to show no mercy towards you and try to kill you. It felt awful, and it was so terrifying having a gun pointed at me and shooting at me in the bathroom scene! My brain could still feel the pain as though the bullets were tearing through my flesh (even though they all missed thanks to my brain's self-preservation and desire to keep the dream "me" alive). I was wincing and shaking so hard with fear and my heart was pounding so fast, it definitely felt all too real.
Gosh my brain is too hyperactive!! It's making me live through scary moments and experiences in dreamworld!!
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