About Friendship

Ok this will be a really long post. One of my readers (yes it’s you) has given me feedback that they prefer to read posts like my older ones, the longer / deeper posts so they can learn more about my thoughts and who I am. I found inspiration (and time) to finally write this down on the plane, so here you go!

Recently I’ve been thinking deeply about friendship - who are my close friends? Who are my best friends? Who are the people I can count on? These days, I have wayyy too many “friends” on facebook (1855 of them, but hey who’s counting), and how many of them do I really care about? How many of them do I even know? >.>

Growing up, my dad always told me to ask small favors of my friends, in little ways like asking them for a ride home from school, or asking them to change the date or time of a hangout to accommodate my family’s schedule. He wanted me to “test” the friendship, and he told me it’s important to find out who my good friends were, by seeing who would do these favors for me. I remember feeling terrible about it; I’d always resisted and said they’re my friends, I don’t want to be testing them! I would end up fighting with my dad over it.

But really it’s because I always wanted to be seen as the nice girl who wouldn’t trouble others, so I felt bad having to ask these friends. Worse of all, deep down I know that they’re not really close after all, and we were just superficial, fair weather friends. I used to think that there’s no need to “test” it, I know we’re not that close so I should save up the social capital until I really needed it. Haha cynical much? Or maybe just being realistic.

I always wondered why others had such high expectations of friends; I never really did trust that friends would put aside all else to do things for me, so I had pretty low expectations. I wouldn’t necessarily do the same for them, so why should I expect them to do it for me? I am scared of being hurt, so I keep a safe distance from friends so I don’t let myself get hurt. The only person I’ve really opened up to hurt is my ex. I guess that’s the only time I felt vulnerable and betrayed - and truly the only time when I grew exponentially stronger.

Now that I think about it, I’ve always asked my family to accommodate my lifestyle and schedule, and I inconvenienced my parents without a qualm just so I can hang out with my friends and make them/me happy. Back then, my priorities were definitely a lot more focused on being well liked and seen as the nice girl.

I feel bad about my parents now - is that the life of being a parent? Your kids end up taking you for granted because they know that no matter how many tantrums, how much trouble they put you through, how many requests to send them to school or piano practice or meteor shower watching sessions, they know you’re still going to love them the same, they know you’re still going to be there for them. I was being kind and nice to others, but I forgot that I should have been kindest and nicest to my parents instead.

Anyhow, back to friendship. To this day I remember very clearly an incident that illustrates my desire to be well-liked at the expense of my conscience. When I was 10, everyone had to pair up in boy-girl pairings for physical education class, and we had to hold hands. I saw that this chubby boy had no partner and no one wanted to hold his hand, so I went up to him and held his hand. He brightened up immediately, and I remember how happy he was that I wanted to be his friend. I thought I was being so nice by befriending this boy, but oh man I regretted it in the upcoming weeks. I almost wished I had been mean like the other kids, so I didn’t have to bear the burden of making him happy. I know this sounds so selfish, but that was definitely how I felt back then.

He started to follow me around, wanted to join my project teams, and play together during breaks. I started to feel uncomfortable with it - I had my clique of girl friends that I hung out with, and I was pretty popular back then. We were the teachers’ pets, the smart and popular girls in school, so it wasn’t doing me any good to have this boy, who was seen as an outcast of the class, around me. I remember he was a very odd and awkward boy, quite immature/insecure and would throw tantrums easily, while loving to act smart and show off. That was why the other kids didn’t really like him, and they took every chance they could to make fun of him - the way he waddled as he walked, the fact that he had to wait for his mum to pick him up from school every day, and how during tests he would always disappear to the bathroom for 15min! My classmates were calling him “mummy’s boy” and joking that he was running off to call his mum for answers to the test. Now I suspect he was always nervous during tests and so would have to do a number 2, but back then even I had doubts and would wonder if he really was calling home for help. He did always get really good test scores...

I recall that I was succumbing to peer pressure and would play along with the other kids. I would never say the same mean things or repeat what they said about him, but I was a passive participant as I never stood up for him, nor did I say anything about it. I was afraid of being lumped in with him as an outcast, and I started to feel ashamed of being picked up by my mum from school as well. I was so scared that my friends would turn on me and make fun of me too, so I started to distance myself from him (like ghosting in today’s terms, but in real life). Yes I was learning how to ghost at age 10!

I ignored him whenever he wanted to join in, and I told him I was already part of this group and there’s no more space for him. I couldn’t bear to be completely mean to him so sometimes I still talked to him but other times I would avoid him. It was a very stressful time of my life as I had to navigate peer pressure, while battling my unease and guilt in treating this boy the same way the others were treating him, plus my own shame in being in the same situation of being picked up from school but not made fun of (yet). I would listen to him tell me about his mum and his sister, and let him rant or show off or say whatever he wanted even though I didn’t like it. I realised back then that I had no idea how to stop being friends with someone, that I couldn’t even put it in words how I felt about him. Now I think I probably felt sorry for him, with some annoyance, dislike, sympathy and empathy mixed in.

In fact, his mum knew me as his friend so she would always be very happy to see me, and would come over and talk to me when she picked him up from school. I would always feel sooo bad talking to her, because I’m pretending to be his friend when really I wasn’t feeling it. I would be nice to him in front of his mum, but it would kill me inside. I couldn’t reconcile this - how to maintain distance from a friend I didn’t want, while remaining nice to him and his mum!

In the end, after my sufficient ignoring and avoiding (passive aggressive much?), he got the message and stopped hanging around me. I breathed a sigh of relief, and felt a load off my back. I’m still in with the popular crowd, I’m still well liked and I didn’t have to deal with the outcast anymore. Wait, doesn’t this remind you of Mean Girls?

Yes, that was the power of peer pressure, of tying my identity to the social pressure of being liked by others as a kid. It’s also my first taste of what bullying was, and while I didn’t directly bully him, I felt like I was probably the cruelest of them all by befriending him and then passively rejecting him.

I know it is no excuse, and to this day I still don’t have a good idea of how to tell someone - hey I don’t want to be a close friend with you, please stay at the distance of an acquaintance friend, etc. The only way I know is by not meeting up with these friends, by seeing them less and less, and being less responsive. Haha somehow this sounds a lot like dating!



This relationship accountability chart is from my favorite author and relationship therapist Esther Perel. I’ve been reading her book “Mating in Captivity”, and listening to her podcast “Where Should We Begin” (it’s really good, you guys should check it out if you haven’t heard it before!) I agree with so many things she’s teaching, and I aspire towards her values. I want to embrace the freedom to love and be myself, to power part instead of ghost or ice people, to treat people right even if it’s difficult. We have all been on the receiving end of it before, it sucks when someone is leading you on and stringing your feelings along. I would respect him/her so much more if he/she tells me straight up how they feel about the relationship. I crave honesty, vulnerability and openness, I long for effective and kind communication. It’s what I want to be able to provide to others, and it’s also what I’d love to receive from those I care about.

I know that this is a 180 change from the way I was brought up and from the way my family is, but I shall strive to break the chains of my traditional upbringing and become who I want to be. This shall be my constant challenge, and this is how I will continue to grow on my learning journey.

Taking stock of who my friends are today, most of them are friends from work or school (all the way back to as early as kindergarten classmates in hk!). Most of them are people I grew up with and were connected by virtue of vicinity (studying or living in the same neighborhood), by common interests (science, astronomy, track and field, chinese orchestra, Japanese culture, etc), or by being in the same class. However once we left the context in which we met, we started to drift apart and move on with our lives. Especially as we grew older, everyone started pairing up with boyfriends or husbands and started to pay less attention to our friendships.

For me, I left home and so created distance (both physical and emotional) in all my friendships. Yes I may be keeping in touch with my closer friends over Facebook and WhatsApp, but it’s still not the same. When I need help or comfort, they’re not always the ones I can rely on or turn to anymore. They’ve changed, and I’ve changed so much that I can barely recognize myself. How can we expect to go back to being as close as we were before, when now we’re almost like two new strangers? We have to re-learn everything we knew about each other, and that’s why I’m so grateful that you, my readers, my dear friends, are reading my blog posts.

Yes I’m talking to you. You are reading my deepest and innermost thoughts, and I’m baring my heart to you because I want to believe that this is your way of keeping in touch. This is your way of staying up to date on how I’ve changed, and your approximation in maintaining a close friendship while we’re miles apart. I really appreciate you for putting in this time and effort to getting to know me, and grow and learn alongside me. I only ask that you can do the same for me -- please share your innermost thoughts with me and maintain the connection, rebuild the friendship. I want to see you for who you are as well, and let this be a two-way conversation.

When I left home, I had to start over with a blank slate. I was always good at making friends -- so I did, over and over again. I made close friends in undergrad, then started anew at Stanford with a new set of friends. Then I moved to DC and started over again. After making good friends there, I moved to South Bay and yet again, I had to make new friends. I disappeared under a rock when I was in a relationship, so while I managed to make lots of acquaintance friends, I never had time or energy to get close to them. When I emerged from under the rock, I moved up to SF and had to rekindle all my old friendships and make new friends again.

Again, and again, it wears me down.

Who am I left with now that I’m alone in the US? I’ve left my closest friends behind, I don’t have family here, and while I have made new friends in my adulthood, it isn’t quite the same. I felt like  adult friendships have barriers and the baggage of past hurts, which are very different from the carefree friendships of my childhood and youth. Worse still, we have to always be wary and cautious about people getting close to us with an ulterior motive, whether it is for networking, or a guy seeing me as a potential love interest.

Is it this difficult to build and maintain friendship as adults? We needs to put in a lot more intention, care and effort in order to make it work, especially now that we have different priorities clashing with friendship - work, family, dates/boyfriends/husbands, and kids in the future. How can we juggle all that and still stay close to our friends?

I don’t have a good answer, but I think it means I’ll have to whittle down my friendship group and figure out who I want to be close to or not. I’ve been rereading waitbutwhy’s post on friendship about the tiers of friends that we should have, and it makes me wonder if I even have any in the Tier 1 group. If you haven't read it yet, I highly encourage you to at least check out the first few paragraphs of it.

I was just thinking a few weeks ago, that my closest friend now is my roommate, and the people I hang out with are my housemates - mostly because we are all in close proximity to each other. So if my house burned down, who can I turn to for help? Who do I feel comfortable enough with to ask for a place to stay?

I have two friends that I thought of, but they live with their parents in the east bay so it wouldn’t work well for them (or me). I have a few friends in the south bay that I can ask but it’s far from the city. Within the city, I realised I didn’t have any close friends other than guy dates! I can only think of two girl friends that I had just met at a Meetup end of last year - we aren’t that close yet, but they would be willing and able to help me out.

The irony is that the only people I got close to in my time here were guys I went on dates with that I really liked, that somehow didn’t work out. I don’t have close guy friends as I inadvertently create emotional distance to avoid developing feelings for the guy, but also build up a barrier to keep the guy from liking me. Otherwise it builds romantic feelings, and a close friendship would no longer be sustainable. We’d either be dating or become so uncomfortable with being close that we’d have to recreate the distance.

Also, open-minded as I may seem, I’d still feel super uncomfortable staying over at a guy’s place even if we’re friends. Given the choice, I’d rather crash with the girl acquaintance friends than guy friends haha.

I guess in the worst case, I would go home. When my heart grows weary, my body lacks vitality, and my spirit needs replenishment, I shall return home to family. The family that I don’t want to take for granted anymore, and the very people who will love me no matter what.

Diversity and Women in the workplace

I was at dinner with my coworkers yesterday, and I was excited to share with them that I‘m bringing in a third party trainer to conduct diversity training for our company’s June training. It's a first for our company, and took us 1.5 years to plan, conduct an RFQ, downselect to 2, then 1 trainer, negotiate, get approval, funding, etc, and I'm so stoked that it's finally happening! It’s called the Ally Skills workshop (more info here) and it really teaches actionable steps on how we can support targets of oppression (i.e. minorities) when we see them being treated unfairly by the privileged group.

Ok it's a lot of jargon here, but essentially how can we stop bad behavior in the workplace, and step in to help as an ally? We all have different situations where we are part of the privileged group vs the oppressed minority. For example, I know I’m privileged when I can walk into a convenience store and not worry that the cashier is watching me - he/she doesn’t think I’m there to steal, or that I don’t have any money. I know that as an Asian female, I look harmless and likeable / trustworthy, so I can get away with a lot more than a black guy would be able to. I can easily walk up to women I don't know and make conversation with them without fear, but I can’t do that if I were a guy of color.

Yet I am a minority when it comes to the workplace - I’m young, Asian, female, and international with an accent; clearly I don’t belong in a room full of white middle aged men. So I would also have situations where I’m a target of oppression, and the power dynamic is skewed the other way. I was telling my bosses about this and how we will learn to use the right language and avoid negative terms in order to be sensitive about diverse backgrounds. We will also split up into smaller groups for discussion around customized scenarios and how we would approach these uncomfortable situations. Some scenarios will include only asking junior women to do office housework (e.g. taking notes or fetching coffee), or being a consultant in a client meeting where the client is making sexist or racist remarks to another client (true story).

Now my direct boss is very open minded; he heads the SF office and is well versed in these issues - he’s a proponent of women and diversity! However the other boss is from the DC office and while he is relatively open minded, he still questioned things like the use of pronoun “they”. He also made a slippery slope fallacy - he said that if we allowed people to use all kinds of pronouns and allowed different sexualities, where does it stop? What are the boundaries then? Would bestiality be ok then? (Here is where I think - ah it’s also a false analogy fallacy! Thank you good old philosophy teacher from middle school xD)

My direct boss jumped in and said, well how about if aliens existed and came to earth, would it be ok if humans and aliens fell in love? That would be interspecies love.

I said that interspecies love is something that is popularized in today’s pop culture - shape of water, twilight, city of bones, and other vampire/human or werewolf/human pairings. However what makes it uncomfortable for me isn’t the fact that it’s interspecies or not, but rather the fact that the animal cannot give consent, so it’s an unwilling party in bestiality. If the animal is on equal terms, is able to communicate with humans and express its love / willingness to date with the human, then yes I’m all for it! Hence the false analogy - it’s not an apple to apple comparison with interspecies relations.

Anyhow, I know this is only the beginning of an uphill battle. I’m preparing myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable at June training, because I will definitely be a minority in the discussion and I will have to speak up in front of senior management. These are men who are quite different from me and have more seniority / power in the company, so I will have to be sensitive and tactful. It will be both challenging and exhilarating, can’t wait for it!

I recently spoke with a bunch of very smart men and women in SF about women’s issues in the workplace and how men can help. While I felt some resistance/discomfort, it was still a breakthrough for me. If we don’t open up the conversation, how else can we drive change in society’s mindset? Men make up half the world and pretty much run all of the world, so we need to enlist their help and buy-in to encourage diversity.

If any of you are interested to learn more about this, feel free to reach out to me for a chat anytime. I have a bunch of books and articles to recommend, as well as a presentation I made to my company with statistics and information about the problem, benefits of diversity, the impact on our work, how we can help. It’s an all around interesting issue that I’m still learning about, so feel free to send things my way as well!

Quote for the day

I came across this quote in my bit of news today, and I really liked it. It so eloquently stated what I’ve been thinking in the past few years, totally true! Thought I’d share this as quote for the day:

You can buy food, but not appetite; medicine but not health; knowledge but not wisdom; glitter, but not beauty; fun, but not joy; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; leisure, but not peace. You can have the husk of everything for money, but not the kernel." 
– Arne Garborg, Norwegian author

Money can buy most things in life, but not the things that matter.

And of course, you’d always have fun when you’re with joy ;)

Achieving greater things

I did a headstand!!! The last time I managed to do a headstand was in sec 1, back when I was 13. Wow I felt this rush of adrenaline and sense of achievement, especially since I tried it two years ago and gave up. I'm so glad I persevered this time and really did it hehehe.

This gives me hope that I should try other things that I may have been too uncomfortable with, or things I gave up on before. I'm currently doing meditation everyday for 5 min, and keeping up with my meditation streak using the Simple Habit app (for those of you interested, add me as a friend!). I'm trying to keep up doing blogilates again everyday (I stuck to it for a few months and then gave up...), and eating healthier / less carbs. I'm also trying to get back into dancing (west coast swing, salsa, zumba, kpop, hip hop, etc) at least once a week.

This is actually not easy, but given that I know my tendency as an Obliger (see The Four Tendencies here), I have been trying to create more external accountability for myself. Any friends want to join me in living healthier lifestyles / doing these things with me? :D

As for my reading challenge of 30 books a year (2.5 books/month), I've been more than on track - I finished 11 books as of yesterday! I also noticed that I've been reading a lot more books on relationships and understanding dating styles, such as "Attached" and "Mating in Captivity", and now I'm reading Aziz Ansari's "Modern Romance". These are all great books, and I've learned so much more about my own personality, people's preferences/desires, and how people communicate. Definitely looking forward to applying it with my future dating and relationships.

A lot of exciting news too, my brother is visiting next weekend, and I have a few other friends visiting Mother's Day weekend. It would be a lot of fun hanging out with all these people and eating yummy food. I'll also be going to NYC in June for a weekend so I'm excited!! Definite looking forward to catching up with my east coast friends and watching some broadway musicals ^^

My strengths

I've been doing an online Coursera class on Positive Psychology and Resilience, and we had to do a Values in Action (VIA) survey to figure out what our character strengths are. If you're interested, feel free to do the survey here, it took me around 10 minutes.
https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/testcenter

Make sure to look for VIA Survey of Character Strengths, and you'll need to create an account in order to do the survey. There are other surveys in there around optimism, authentic happiness, meaning in life, etc. All quite interesting!

Turns out my strengths are:

Your Top Strength

Forgiveness and mercy -

You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.

Your Second Strength

Leadership -

You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.

Strength #3

Love of learning -

You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Strength #4

Social intelligence -

You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

Strength #5

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness -

Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

I'm pretty amazed to find out my #1 strength is forgiveness and mercy! Learning, social intelligence and critical thinking I agree with, but #2 leadership is surprising for me. I see myself more as a good follower, or perhaps a key enabler in getting things done. I guess the description here sounds more like a compassionate/encouraging leader rather than the traditional macho/confident type of leader. Guess that's a strength of mine I should use more often and leverage at work!

Rhapsody in Blue!

So I just went for a Groupmuse music event last Sunday, and it’s definitely a more chill, casual and intimate setting than I was expecting. It’s not like a full blown concert, rather it’s more about sitting on cushions and couches and hanging out with your friends with food and drinks while you enjoy some classical music - piano, chamber music (strings) and opera singers. It was quite magical and I really liked it! The only thing was that I felt super uncomfortable sitting on the floor - got to practice more meditation sitting on the floor...

The last song they played was “Rhapsody in Blue”, and little did I know that that’s the song that United has been using in all 3 of their safety videos! This means I’ve been listening to this song  twice a week almost every week for the past 4 years!! Wow. Here’s the latest United “Safety is Global” video so you can understand what I listen to every week hahaha...I’ll never see the video the same way again.

How I have grown

Happy International Women Day folks! I don't agree with celebrating women only on one day - we should celebrate us and address women's issues every day. But still I recognize the meaning of it and how it starts conversations, so that's great.

Ok this post will be about the woes of online dating, and kind of shows you why I've been feeling so jaded about it, but I also realised I've grown so much since I started. I've stopped feeling as affected by guys / other people, the things they say or do to me, though I still need a lot of conscious re-thinking to make sure I don't let other people's negativity get me down.

Yes I'm back on the online dating scene. I've re-installed all my apps (that I've been off of for the past 6 months)...and it didn't even seem like I've been gone. In fact, I think the quality of guys on the apps just went down! Gosh, just when I thought I'm a veteran at this, you guys keep surprising me, and NOT in a good way. And somehow I'm not surprised anymore...

This isn't looking good you guys, come on I know you can do better than this!

I went on a date last week and I felt quite sad...yet another case of amazing-in-texting-but-terrible-in-person date. I gave him a chance and even re-engaged in talking with him over text after meeting him, and talked to him over the phone. Again - texting is good and he's super responsive, manages my expectations etc, but on the phone he was terrible.

He sounded like a self-absorbed, presumptuous and arrogant guy who didn't care much about the other person's feelings, though he tried to do so. He really did try, I can tell, but it took so much effort for him. And because of that he was emotionally guilt tripping me to do the same things for him, but I just felt defensive every time I heard his voice or thought of him.

I have no idea how he even got all his past girlfriends, it's like he says things that are all the right things, but his body language and tone didn't mean it - like saying "I don't ever brag about those things, I hate people who do" and then he goes about subtly bragging about those things (without meaning to).

What the heck? But really he didn't mean to. Right....

Anyhow I just told him we're not a good match and best of luck in his search, and he asked me to pay for half of the meal that he treated me. Umm...on the date I asked to pay half and he insisted on treating, and then now...what? He's burned all the bridges lol, don't think I'd even want to talk to him again.

He actually reminds me of my ex (in terms of the lack of sensitivity/communication) but a much worse version of him, one that is also super cynical, insecure, and more picky among other issues. Goodness...I don't even know where to begin. If I don't conform with his ideas, he would be making me feel bad and terrible about it. Even seeing him once already made me feel this way, can you imagine if it really were everyday??

I am so glad I'm a much stronger person now and feel less affected by these sorts of things. No matter his sweet words or actions, I won't be duped by such superficial things, and I don't need a negative influence in my life that brings me down.

Oh and another online date tried to ask about sex in our first -text- conversation (yes not even in person) but he was so awkwardly bad about it I just laughed. And he wasn't even that good looking...I told him sorry don't think it's going to work out. 

Goodness what has this online dating scene gone to - guys who are just so bad with women that they think they can get women by asking for sex? hahahaha

Happyy

Yay I'm so happy! My mentee (she's a junior in high school) got accepted into a summer program at Boston U! I feel happier than if I had gotten in myself hahaha, and it's not even college acceptance yet. I'll look forward to that experience next year xD

Ok that's it, just posting here to say that.

Jaded

I woke up this morning and realized that I’m sad. I’m feeling hurt. I’m mad, I’m upset, and I feel used.

I’ve been going on dates with this guy that I thought was a nice guy, perfectly normal and even though we don’t have much in common, we still liked each other. He would say these funny nice things to me and make me so happy. I decided to give him a chance because he’s different from all the other guys I’ve dated before - he’s “simple, basic” (in his own words), he’s not complicated and doesn’t overanalyze or overthink things the way I (or everyone else around me) do. I thought we could date for a while and see where things go, get to know each other better. I thought he would make a good companion and emotional support, without us being in a long-term relationship. That’s a pretty good deal both ways, isn’t it?

However, he turned out to be just like every other guy here. He started to pull back and text me less frequently, and stopped asking me out. I’m the one who had to keep trying and asking to see when we could see each other again, when we’re both next free...I understood that we were both busy, but if you like each other you’d make it work right? After 2-3 weeks of trying, I realized he just wasn’t that into me and he probably didn’t want to see me. So I asked him if he had a moment to chat on the phone. I’d hate to do it over text, given that we’ve been seeing each other on and off for the past 3 months. He called me back and sounded so happy to talk to me that I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question I was going to ask - I think you don’t want to see me at all. Should I stop trying?

I guess 我还是心太软.

Following that, I didn’t think I would be hurt because I rationalized it to myself logically. I’ve prepared myself for the worst / inevitable and started to detach myself from him, thinking - how would I feel if we don't ever speak again? I thought I'd be sad for a little while, but I'd get over it quickly. We finally saw each other again for a date yesterday - little did I know it would really be our final, last one.

It seems like I got hurt after all. I did like him, at least the him who liked me back and was nice to me. I was infatuated with the idea of love, of someone who could care for me without needing all that intellectual discussion or thinking. I thought that we could have 简单爱. I thought I'm the cold-hearted one, that I’d be the one to break things off with him and walk away from this first.

I was wrong. I wasn’t prepared for the worst after all - the worst is when the guy is being indecisive about it. It’s not that he doesn’t like me, he finds me really smart, attractive, nice...he likes me and wants to keep hanging out with me. But...wait for it: he’s not ready for a long term relationship, he was in a 5-year long one and it’s not what he’s looking for right now. Wait why is this sounding so familiar?

That’s fine, a super long-term relationship isn't what I’m looking for either, but I definitely want something more committed, even if we’re seeing other people at the same time. But he wants to set “parameters” on the relationship so I won’t get hurt or disappointed. Uh so what does that really mean?

He suggested for us to see each other when we want to see each other. That's super vague - how do I know when he wants to see me? How do I know when I want to see him?? There's inherent imbalance and a lot of hand-waving that I don't like here.

I didn’t think too much about it, just that over the course of this final date I felt less and less into it, and at the end I told him - you tell me when you want to see me, I’m not going to ask you. I was getting really frustrated because I didn’t know how exactly I was feeling, and I didn't know what to make of this fluffy hand-waviness.

I think that means we’ll never see each other again.

This morning when I woke up, my brain finally caught up to my heart. Oh crap. What he is looking for is someone he can keep around for emotional and physical intimacy, someone he can hang out with whenever he wants to without the commitment of a relationship. What's the difference between that and a friend?

It's a friend with benefits, that's what it is. Wow, that hurts. Big time.

So I started to compare my relationship with him with this other guy I really liked but never kissed or had any physical touch with, and with another guy who actually did want friends with benefits and was really clear about it. All 3 of them were essentially looking for the same thing, but I think the other two were less cruel than this one indecisive dude, who made me believe for a moment that there are nice guys in this world who actually would be decent enough to want to date me, and not keep me around just for comfort.

I guess I’m just jaded about dating, love and relationships now. I'm starting to feel disappointed in the dating scene here, and I feel like I will never really find someone I love, who will love me in return.

Where do I go from here?

Up in the Air

Yes, let’s talk about being up in the air, yet again. I’m reminded of it because United showed me my flight statistics in 2017 - and I’m happy they collated all that info for me! The only flights missing are the Singapore Airlines flights where I flew home to Singapore and back, and my Southwest flights to and from Cabo over Christmas. So while United says I’ve flown 4x around the world, it’s really more like 5x around the globe! Here are screenshots of my stats -

I know I’ve been flying a lot - every week actually, between SF and Chicago these days. I was starting to feel burned out with all that flying almost every week for the past 3 years. I know lots of people are envious of my high-flying (no pun intended) lifestyle, and heck yeah even I’m quite envious of me! Collecting all those flight miles, hotel points, credit card points, and essentially getting paid to travel, stay at nice hotels and eat at fancy restaurants...imagine that!

However, having done this for 3 and a half years now, I’m starting to feel drained. I have so many friends in SF and I’ve started building a life and routine so it feels like a home base there - otherwise I just feel like a floating person with no real home. In fact at one point in Denver, I started thinking of my hotel as home - I’d been staying there for a year and a half then and knew the front desk folks well, almost like friends. That was when I was still commuting back and forth between DC-Denver-SF-Denver-DC...I was spending more time in Denver than anywhere else!

Now I’ve built a comfortable and homely life in SF...regular dance classes, volunteering every Saturday, meeting friends, going on dates, etc. I almost wish I didn’t travel as much so I can enjoy more time to myself, in my own place, with my friends or with my date, but then I immediately start missing the travel. It’s like I’m addicted, like I’ve caught the travel bug! I miss taking a plane and having a short (non-existent) commute from the hotel to the client’s during the week, I miss having a per diem so I can spend on food and not worry about it, I miss gaining status with airlines and hotels. What I miss most is having my own room, bathroom and a daily cleaning service so I never - I repeat NEVER - have to do any household chores or cleaning at all! That’s the absolute best part about travel - it’s the ultimate luxurious lifestyle which is great for lazy people like me xD

I almost wish I could live in the lap of luxury all the time; but then I’d just take it for granted. So I guess my ideal situation is if I can continue to travel, but maybe every other week or three weeks out of a month. We’ll see how things go.

On the fun update side - I’ll be going on a wild cross-country trip (flying, not driving) for the next two weeks for site visits with the over 10 folks from the client! It will be a crazy lot of flying (yes more than I already am doing now) - 8 flights to be exact - I’ll hopefully get to know my clients better and learn a lot along the way. Also it doesn’t hurt to gain some miles and get to see Tampa (beaches anyone?), Dallas, and Indianapolis among other cool cities! I’ll be flying SFO-ORF-DEN-ATL-SFO and then SFO-TPA-DFW-IND-SFO.

Here’s my upcoming trip in flight maps:

Wow. That's a total of 13,437 miles in 8 flights in 8 days. Let's keep our fingers crossed that none of these flights get delayed, or at least not enough to miss any of my tight connections! (e.g., that 49min one...)

conflicting feelings

My ex of 2.5 years (also my first boyfriend ever) just told me today that he’s getting married. I was shocked, surprised, happy for him but also a little sad that I haven’t found someone special that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the way he has. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, but I still have nostalgia for our good old days, and it reminded me of the hopes and dreams of my younger self, believing he was the one that I was going to marry. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone I can feel that way about again.... I’ve become so jaded about love and relationships that I don’t expect to find someone that special so easily. I definitely have my own doubts about how my heart would work against my logical and overanalytical brain - maybe they will give up and just see what life throws at me.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I really don’t know how I feel about this news. I know a part of me is really happy for them (especially since I know both of them - they are really a great match!), yet a part of me feels bitter. Bitter because none of the guys I’ve met or are seeing made me feel like I want to marry them. I wish I had that happy naive and loving self back so I can feel that way again, and yet I know that self would also be the most hurt if I let my logic and reasoning take a backseat. Such a struggle; a dilemma.

Last night I stayed up till 6am chatting with an acquaintance friend of mine - and we realized that we’re like a mirror of each other’s thoughts, emotions, feelings, experiences - we’re in the same boat in every way! I’m wondering if this is what they call a soulmate, if this is what it feels like to find a soulmate. I don’t like him the way I like guys romantically though, but we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. Am I actually attracted to him? Or were we just having a moment of bonding and connection, with the continual reaffirmation of each other’s beliefs (since we are so similar?) I couldn’t tell if I’ve already friend zoned him or not, and I couldn’t tell whether I feel for him more than friends or not. It’s an all around very weird feeling / situation, the first of its kind for me. How do I feel about him exactly?

I guess these conflicting feelings will fade in intensity and I’ll let them pass, and we’ll see if we actually keep in touch. Also, when I told him that sometimes I could be intimidating, he said yeah he clearly remembered some memorable moments when I was intimidating. I was super shocked - memorable? Somehow, some of my actions / thoughts had floored him, such that he didn’t know what to do or say. He said I was like a blank slate, he had nothing to work with and so he was flustered. That was when I thought - was he interested in me? I don’t know, but I’m going to leave it at that. Some things don’t need to be driven to ground, some bubbles better left unburst.

P.S. I guess LA will always be special to me now - because it’s the place where my ex and I decided to officially break up two Christmases ago, and now it’s the place where I learned that he is getting married this year. How time flies, and how serendipitous this all is.

P.S.S. It definitely didn’t help that this random guy on the street was hitting on me right when I saw the message from my ex that he was getting married. I cut the other guy short and let him know I’m busy - he made me feel both flattered and upset at the same time. What’s the point of having all these guys hit on me or find me attractive when none of them were marriage material?

P.S.S.S A Korean guy friend of my friend (who has a gf but was clearly interested in me) told me I looked very pretty, and that I looked like Lee Hyori. Whatt?? I look like a superstar celebrity, who is also known as the Nation’s Fairy in Korea?? I’m super flattered hahaha

New Year, New Thoughts

Ok I know it’s been a long while since I last posted - so here I am! My first post in the new year of 2018! Everyone asked me about New Years’ resolutions, or goals for the year, but no I don’t really have anything new. I just have ongoing goals that I’m working on - constant self improvement and learning goals. For example, I want to learn Korean (as I've been thinking of doing since last year), and keep learning better conflict management and negotiation skills, keep dating and loving wholeheartedly, to keep improving in dancing (more performance workshops?), more article writing at my job and teaching junior resources, and more mentorship volunteering and growing together with my mentee. Long story short, nothing much new, but a lot of exciting things I want to keep doing this year :)

What I do want to post about today, is the latest Star Wars movie - Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. I just watched it this past weekend, and I'm soooo excited and happy about the way it turned out!! Honestly, it's my favorite Star Wars movie thus far! I know there are a lot of people who absolutely hate it, and I can understand why - this movie is completely different from the previous ones. it's different in style, in characters, in acting, in the way the story flowed, in the plot twists, and yet it's similar in some other ways. For those of you who haven't yet seen the movie, go watch it and then read the below. I'm going to go into deep detail analyzing the movie, and there are plenty of spoilers here!

Disclaimer: SPOILER ALERT!! DO NOT READ UNTIL YOU'VE WATCHED STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI.

I love the use of a lot more Asians and female characters, and their influence on the male characters. The movie showcased that even when you're the main character or the lead, it doesn't mean you always need to rush headlong into trouble, to be sacrificing your lives like martyrs. The movie showed it three times:

1. Princess Leia demoted Poe for his reckless destruction of the enemy's spaceship, which had cost all the bombers and their pilots' lives. There was a really high risk of failure actually - it was all down to that last bomber which could easily have been blown up before it could destroy the enemy.

2. Vice Admiral Holdo had a plan that was sound and had lower risk of failure compared to Poe's crazy plan to crack the security code with the enemy and destroy their tracker. The unfortunate thing was that there should have been much better communication so that the audience (and Poe and crew) would have been more willing to collaborate. I felt like there was some part of dramatic effect here where the Admiral purposely didn't share information with Poe until the very end, and vice versa as well. Oh well, how else would you get a mutiny scene? It's also sad because more of the Resistance folks probably got killed or injured in that mutiny, and given their dwindling numbers...that's not good.

3. In the last scenes, Rose saved Finn from needlessly killing himself at the risk of her own life. At first glance it seemed really stupid to save Finn when he could have stopped the cannon (and died). Upon further thought, yeah she's right. Even if Finn had destroyed the cannon, so what? Quite likely the First Order's got more where that came from, and they will just break the door down anyway. That scene also showcased Rose's concern and love for Finn, which was unexpected but not THAT unexpected given that she totally admired and worshipped him as a Resistance hero at the beginning. I definitely like this unexpected twist haha. Also at the beginning, Rose used a taser on Finn and stopped him from escaping, which was a really smart move. Despite Finn's "good and sound" reasons, they're really stupid excuses and reflected reckless behavior. We're all glad he stayed and fought.

It is great that these female characters were showing their strengths in being calm and rational instead of rushing to take risks, but I prefer it if it wasn't just women tempering the men all 3 times. This only perpetuated the female stereotype that women are the ones who think twice and avoid taking risks, whereas men take risks heedlessly. The message would have been stronger if they included scenes with men tempering men in order to undermine gender stereotypes, though maybe it wouldn't have been as obvious to the audience if it were another guy saying "whoa hold it, this isn't going to work". I had the feeling that the audience probably only saw Admiral Holdo as too "soft" or too "aggressive" and use negative words to describe her. It's definitely unfortunate :/

One note on Rose - I like that they chose another minority character as a lead - an asian female, and of a different shape and size from the usual no less! i.e. she's not tall, and not skinny the way every other model and Hollywood star seems to be. I really like that :D We need more actors and actresses of different colors, shapes and sizes in the media so that our kids know that it's ok to look different and still be popular and famous! She is also spunky, headstrong and willing to jump straight into things alongside Finn and Poe, so she is one female character that undermines gender stereotypes. Hurray for that!

There was a scene where there was totally "manterruption" (i.e. a male interrupting a female unnecessarily) and "bropropriation" (i.e. a male taking credit for another female's ideas). It was the scene where Finn was explaining the plan to disable the tracker on the enemy's ship. Rose was trying to explain but Finn talked over her and interrupted her, and he essentially explained her idea as though it were his own. Fortunately for all of us (and my very upset brain/heart), Finn finally stopped and let Rose say her piece. It was so obvious that I felt like they must have written it into the script on purpose. Is the scriptwriter female? Whoever it is, I am really impressed and kudos to Star Wars / Lucas Film / Disney for making that statement!

I came across this really good article that discusses the mansplaining (i.e. men explaining things to women as though they're ignorant, when the women already know it better than the men do) in the movie, among other things - definitely check it out: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/12/star-wars-last-jedi-laura-dern-admiral-holdo-listen-to-women

Next, I really liked the concept of turning / changing each other, the talking and reflecting between Ben Solo aka Kylo Ren and Rey. It’s clear that they have a strong bond, and that she is the one who sees the good in him, in that there is hope to turn him. Kylo showed a lot of potential and it made sense when he helped Rey kill Snoke. It even made sense when he asked her to build a new order together. If only there was better communication between Kylo and Rey, so the Resistance and the New Order can collaborate and merge, in that case I think it can totally work lol. The old generation just had too many hatreds and feuds that it makes it hard to avoid enmity.

I especially love that ironic (or even anti-climactic) reveal that Rey didn't have “famous” parents. That's the greatest twist of all - she had been wondering all her life, we as an audience were speculating and hoping for all the life of us, and the movie says nonchalantly, "I'm going to just subvert your expectations hah!" It goes to show that you can come from nothing and still achieve great things! It's true in real life too, such a strong message that you can succeed and do amazing feats even if you don't come from a legacy.

This ties very well (in foreshadowing?) especially with the ending scene - where the child on that "Vegas-like planet" showed that he had the Force and held hope for the future. He had the resistance ring on his finger, and he was thinking of Luke Skywalker as his idol/inspiration as the Jedi Master. It could very well be there won't be any Jedi after this movie, but whatever they're called in the future, they can still be folks who use the Force for good instead of evil.

Which brings me to this random musing - it is unclear to me why the First Order is evil. Perhaps they are oppressing the people and creating wars just to make profit? Anyhow, I do love conflicted and flawed characters; there is no clear good or evil in people as everyone has both sides within themselves - even that great Jedi Master Luke Skywalker! At the end of the day, it is the environment you were brought up in, the choices that others have made for you and in influencing you, and the choices that you end up making based on your values and your options. It was sad for Kylo Ren to be betrayed by Luke the way he did (and this is so consistent with Episode III, how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader - it's always fear that evil thrives on), I definitely have high hopes for Kylo Ren in the next movie with further conflict within him! How about a spoof where the First Order collaborates with the Resistance to create the Second Order of peace and harmony? xD

I love the part about the Vegas-like planet, where the rich indulge in extravagance and the poor serve the rich. It's a representation of our world today - a social commentary in what constitutes entertainment for us, the inequality between classes, animal abuse, among many other things. It serves as a good reminder that Star Wars does reflect our reality, and we need to pay attention to its various messages - on all the issues that are going on in this world, on women leadership in the workplace, etc.

On death - it's interesting that Luke died the way he did. I didn't expect him to be first of all, not fighting in person, and then second of all, still be alive after doing all that exertion over the huge distance (especially being so out of practice with the Force). And then a few minutes later he smiled into the sunset (did you see two suns!) and disappeared, so I thought - oh ok I was right after all, he totally died from all that exertion. It was a double subversion of my expectations lol. It's also interesting to see that Jedis die by disappearing into the Force...Snoke definitely didn't disappear that way haha. Well it reminds me that just like we are all stardust, in the Star Wars world, they are all part of the Force - they come from it and they disappear into it. I'm just glad that Luke finally found his purpose and meaning in life, and found peace in letting go. So zen...

And on another death - Carrie Fisher died after filming her swan song performance in this movie (I liked her performance in here a lot!!). How will they tie Princess Leia's death into the next movie? I'm so curious! How will the next movie turn out? How will the Resistance rebuild themselves, will there be training of the new generation of Jedi? or are they called something else now? Will they end up turning Kylo Ren in the end?

One reason I think that people may hate this movie is because there were so many older "elderly" characters in here. It does bring the energy down and make the movie a lot more mature / heavier / slower-paced than if it were all younger people doing action-movie jumping and stunts everywhere. I guess given that I'm older and more mature (and educated about women's issues) now, I definitely enjoyed this movie way more than any of the other almost meaningless action movie-style Star Wars films.

What do you all think of the movie?

Let It Goooo~

My new microphone came, and I wanted to test it out...so here I am singing a new cover! It's been a long time since I sang an english cover, so go ahead and rejoice all you non-Chinese speakers out there xD

This is my all-time favorite disney song Let It Go (from Frozen). Interestingly, singing this song really does help me de-stress haha. Something about singing the words "LET IT GOOO~" really makes me feel like I'm letting the stress of the week go!

Hopefully I'll find more time in the coming weeks to make another English cover, I know I've been meaning to work on it...let me know if you have any song requests!

Vacation = Catching up on reading

I’m on vacation in South America right now, and I realized that it is also a way for me to relax and finally catch up on some reading - on the flights, during wait times between transportation, on buses, etc. I just finished Richard Feynman’s book “Surely you’re joking, Mr Feynman!”, and it’s such a delightful book for me, especially I’ve known him only as a famous physicist and philosopher! It made me realize this is how mavericks and really smart scientists think - they’re inquisitive, constantly challenging rules and norms, and doing things their own way. It’s also what’s celebrated in San Francisco today, though it can get annoying when pompous people try to pretend they’re one of those mavericks and act intentionally weird/antisocial when it just comes off as creepy and annoying...

Anyway, I was reading “Surely you’re joking, Mr Feynman!” and I get to the part about Brazil - and it’s so funny that I happened to be in Brazil as well. We’re in the same city that he was in (Rio de Janeiro), at Copacabana beach exactly where he described his stay at the Miramar hotel, that hotel where I just walked past yesterday. The beaches, the streets, and the neighborhoods he mentioned - Copacabana, Ipanema, Leblon, etc. it’s funny that for once I know all the places he’s talking about, having just seen them so they’re real to me, fresh in my mind.

For most of the book I had been reading it as fiction and “traveling” to Alberqueque, Los Alamos, Caltech through his words, but I’m so glad that for once I can relate to exactly where and what he’s talking about! It’s such great timing hahaha...it’s just like that time I reread “A Child called It” and it turned out the setting was in Bay Area Daly City, where I’ve been and seen multiple times since I first read the book back in Singapore. That feeling of serendipity and coincidence is just amazing hahaha

Meanwhile, I’ve been traveling all around South America for the past week, and will continue for another week and a half - through nature, big cities, and some wine and dining too! I’m really excited about what I’m going to learn and discover about these culturally rich and different countries I’m visiting!

Come What May

I'm so excited!! One of my favorite movies/musicals of all time is going to Boston / Broadway!!

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/theater-arts/moulin-rouge-musical-open-boston-broadway-article-1.3605255

Here's my favorite song from the musical!

Unbelievable

This is unbelievable! I just upgraded to a newer (and faster) laptop at work, and I'm loving it! With the new Windows 10 interface (which mimics a tablet/cell phone interface, with apps, etc) and new Microsoft Office 365 Word, we're getting cool things like this function:

It's under Clarity and Conciseness, and it's amazing that they're including checks for gender-specific language, racial bias, oxford commas, passive voice, euphemisms, among other things! This is really leaps and bounds beyond my expectations lol.

Other fun updates - I celebrated Halloween last weekend with my friends, and had a really good time. I dressed up as Rey from Star Wars - The Force Awakens, which was a great costume for me since I don't like dressing up the way everyone else does in Halloween. I'm not a big fan of the stereotypes of women dressing up in sexy skimpy mini dresses with bunny ears, because all it does is perpetuate the stereotype of women having to dress sexy (and men having to dress funny/silly). It's also cold haha, so it was refreshing for me to be able to wear pants and rock the look! :D

I never really celebrated Halloween like this before, so I'm glad I had the quintessential experience here!

 Also went to Alinea in Chicago for the first time - it's my second 3-star Michelin experience and it blew my mind! It's definitely one of my 2 all-time favorite restaurants now (the other being Atelier Crenn, which I think deserves 3 Michelin stars but really has 2), and is my favorite in terms of experience! They incorporated so many elements of surprise, and subverts expectations on purpose in many ways - e.g. they put items on the table that looked like it was for food but was only for decoration, so you'd think some of the other dishes were for decoration too and NO! It turned out that those other dishes were actually cooking on your table the whole time et voila - time to eat it!

Things like that really delights the customer and brings out the playful inner child in us - I for one, did the helium balloon voice for the first time at Alinea (because they served edible helium balloons - yes go figure that). They also played with our sense of smell, sight, touch, and taste with a definite Asian fusion influence including umami and cinnamon/star anise spices. I love the food and the overall experience - I'd highly recommend it (for folks with the $$$)! They also change up the menu every once in a while so don't worry too much about spoilers haha, but I'm not going to share too many photos or you'd know what's on the menu. The whole point of Alinea is the surprise after surprise, so you're not supposed to know what comes next ;)

Edible helium balloons anyone?

Such beautiful plating and presentation - really a feast for the eyes!

I love this plating - it's just some aluminum/steel like sheet that you can crumple and folkd and play around with!

Creating dry ice over citrus fruits

My long-awaited guitar cover

I've been wanting to record this song for such a long time, I can't believe it's finally done! I've been too busy to really set aside time to learn the song, learn the guitar chords, and finally record it.

This song brings so much feels to me - for those of you who understand chinese, the lyrics are so meaningful and tragic. It feels so real, so nostalgic, and so poignant. It's about a couple parting ways (and hence the title "Your Luggage"), yet they still love each other. It's the case where the relationship doesn't work out despite both parties' greatest efforts...



If you haven't heard the original song before, please be sure to listen to it here! I know they sound wayyy better than mine awful singing, so be sure to listen to my song first so it won't seem as bad xD

Three Thousand Words

Since a picture speaks a thousand words, here are three thousand words for you (plus some bonus words):

I didn't get to celebrate Mid-Autumn Festival this year, but I got to eat some mooncakes the next day! One of my coworkers brought mooncakes - and did I mention that he's Singaporean? He's the first other Singaporean that we recruited, and from Cal no less! :D

The only photo I got of the full moon the night of Mid-Autumn Festival...this was as I was getting home at midnight on Wednesday night. This week has been a whirlwind of crazy - super long hours at work (averaging 16h each day - I worked till 3am on Thursday night!!).

This is the view of some filming in Chicago where I pass by everyday. Interestingly, Fox 32 films at this location every morning, interviewing random small celebrities.

And before I knew it, it's October already! I'll be flying off to South America for my vacation in a month - I didn't even realise it's so soon >.> Also, I've been thinking about trying for a dance performance workshop - it will be for 10 weeks, and we will learn and practice a full song choreography, and perform at the Palace of Fine Arts in December! I've been wanting to do this for a year, but always haven't had time or have been traveling on the weekends.

The dance performance that I really want to do is kpop with Jin Kim, but I can't because it's on Monday nights and I'm traveling during the week for work :(  This time I'll try to make it work by taking the hip hop workshop instead on Sunday evenings - I'll be missing 3 sessions (because of South America) but I'll try to make up for it by practising lots!

Interesting Updates

Sorry I haven’t found time to post more frequently, I’ve been traveling to Chicago every week and been having really jam-packed weekends. So quick update - I've officially started volunteering every Saturday with Minds Matter, mentoring a high school junior student for 2 hours each week. These students have at least 3.5 GPA and are motivated to study, but come from financially disadvantaged backgrounds. We help them set academic goals, figure out summer programs, college applications, etc with the goal of helping them get into good colleges.

I'm feeling very fulfilled these days because I am directly impacting someone in areas that I feel most passionately about - education and women's issues. I'm helping her with communication skills, with goal-setting, with learning the soft skills required to succeed not only in school or careers, but also in life in general. I am amazed at how much I've grown and learned in the past 7 years, and I definitely wished I had a mentor back in high school so I could have had a jumpstart on all this knowledge. And I'm glad to finally not be doing tutoring or instruction, which I have been doing in my past volunteering/job experiences.

Learning is a lifelong journey, and I'm definitely excited about learning how to be a good mentor, how to not spoon-feed and give advice all the time, but instead sit back and truly listen. How to get the student to open up with her own ideas and let her come up with the solutions. Learning how to let go of control, which translates into how to be a good parent. I think that as much as I'm giving to this mentorship, I'm getting back twice as much about being a good person and more.

On a random note - my team was talking about our uber ratings and ride statistics, and I found a website that helps pull your uber ride history. Interesting fact - I've taken 490 rides, and spent 7 days, 21h and 18m in uber rides! Pretty impressive huh. I've been using uber since 2014 September-end, so it's only been 3 years.

These days I've been taking a lot of uber rides because of my travel (and we're not renting cars anymore). Perhaps this is why - in just this past week, I've been hit on twice by my uber drivers. And that's a record - I usually get hit on once every few months, but somehow this week I'm getting a higher hit-on rate. Interesting!

And the most awkward time was last night, when I was taking an uber ride from Berkeley to SF. The moment I got on, the uber driver said that he's so glad he gets to hang out with lovely people like me. He repeated that multiple times - whenever I asked him how he's doing or how was his day, he said it's great, he gets to meet lovely people like me. Or when I asked how he liked driving uber, he said oh it's wonderful, he gets to meet lovely people like me. It was getting to the point where I was getting uncomfortable (and weirded out), yet he was driving so slowly. And I was at least 30min from home at that point.

I started to use some "taichi" techniques of conversation, steering it more towards himself so I can avoid the conversation topic about me. I asked him about what kind of music he liked, and he started playing music for us and that helped speed time by. Unfortunately, it didn't work well enough. He asked me if I was single, and then proceeded to invite me to an African club. He kept asking me if I wanted to hang out, and whether I was free tonight, or "how about Saturday?" or "how about Sunday"? I told him it's probably not a good idea.

Sigh. Sometimes being a woman can be difficult, because you end up with unwanted attention. Sometimes it's great, because you get all the attention you were looking for. It's just hard to balance both, and I still need to figure out a better way to deal with being hit on. Maybe I should just lie and say that I have a boyfriend?

Funky thing - I broke a spoon today at lunch while trying to open the plastic containing all the cutlery. Who knew I could be so super-humanly strong??

Being Privileged, and How to Counter Motivated Reasoning Arguments

Gosh. Disclaimer: intellectual rant discussion coming up! Be prepared to have your brain cells fried, and please please comment or message me with your thoughts! My office was discussing all of the below today at lunch, and I'm just bursting with thoughts and discussion points. Would love to hear what other people think, and also happy to share more information on any of the below if you're interested :D

With the rise of technology (i.e. internet), we are overwhelmed with an abundance of information. How can we tell what is accurate or not? How can we be discerning when it comes to biases in arguments, assumptions made in claims, and fact vs fiction (#alternativefacts anyone)?

Recently James Damore from Google's Alphabet published a memo about how men are discriminated against when companies such as Google focus on hiring more women.  His argument was based upon specious evidence that men are actually better coders than women. Here's the original memo he published (keep an open and critical mind - treat this as your GRE/SAT exam and examine his assumptions/claims!): https://medium.com/@Cernovich/full-james-damore-memo-uncensored-memo-with-charts-and-cites-339f3d2d05f

The Economist provided a great perspective and response in answering Mr. Damore. It is the kind of response that can be universally applied in the face of arguments that are driven by motivated reasoning. Given today's political climate (white supremacy/neo-Nazis/alt-right rallies, anti-immigrant sentiments, Brexit/Trump election) I think it's really important to be aware of this rebuttal example so that we can apply it when appropriate. 

https://www.economist.com/news/international/21726276-last-week-newspaper-said-alphabets-boss-should-write-detailed-ringing-rebuttal

There's also been a discussion on the tolerance paradox going viral these days - as we encourage our societies to be more tolerant and inclusive, we inevitably bump up against intolerant people and have to become intolerant of intolerance in order to maintain tolerance in society...which forms the paradox. Where do we draw the line of tolerance and intolerance? Where do we draw the line between freedom of speech and hate speech? Where do we draw the line between listening to our coworkers and friends talk about incorrect facts/beliefs, vs us challenging their strongly held belief system that is tied to their core identity? It's almost like disagreeing on religious principles, how can we handle huge discrepancies in opinions that are really emotionally charged beliefs?

At least all these issues are prompting critical discussion and thoughtfulness among our youth (i.e. me), who are no longer as apathetic to politics or changes in the world. What I see is people with privilege and entitlement on one hand, vs targets who suffer inherent disadvantages and unconscious biases (implicit or explicit). What I see are folks who are afraid of change and are comfortable with the way things were, vs folks who embrace change as the constant in life. 

There are a lot of interesting arguments for both sides, and I would say the key as always, is to encourage empathy, gratitude and kindness. We should teach our kids, peers, family and ourselves to continually step back, see the bigger picture, keep an open mind, and to travel so we truly encounter cultures and people who are different from us. To engage in conversations with people who hold different opinions from ours, and to suspend our judgment. Don't jump to conclusions that our belief system is always right, and that others' are wrong. The more we learn, the more we'll realise that we don't know much at all. 

And that's the fun of being alive! :) (and having the privilege of education, of not being dark-skinned, of having $$, etc etc...)

Update on 9/5/17: There is also a new website called Verrit (backed by Hillary Clinton) that verifies and contextualizes news so we can be more informed about "facts" that are going around on the internet: http://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-verrit-hillary-clinton-news-media-for-the-65-8-million-2017-9 Interesting idea, definitely needed in today's world - but who's watching the watcher?

wedding songs!

we finally performed those wedding songs!! i feel like it's been a year in the making, and finally d-day came and passed by.

I'm so happy that I'm able to be there for my best friend of 13 years (gosh I've known you for half my life!) and also to be able to do my favorite thing ever - sing! I also really really like my singing partner jy, she's so nice and amazing at singing! not to mention she's really cute too, I can't believe she hasn't found a great guy who loves her and cherishes her yet! I guess doctors are really too busy to date....single guys out there in singapore, if you're interested let me know ;)

here are the videos, they're kind of shaky but really funny. also jy's microphone volume was too soft so I realised my harmonizations sounded a little too loud T.T I was also sick with a blocked nose so I couldn't really hear myself, so pardon any off-pitch singing haha.

oh and it is funny that jy and I take turns singing the wrong lyrics, but at least at any point in time one of us is always correct! :D

First song - Fan Wei Qi's Zui Zhong Yao De Jue Ding (The Most Important Decision)

Pro Tip: We entered from the back and walked down the aisle as we sang the song :)


Second song - Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight


I realised that Elton John's original key is a little low, it would probably have sounded better if we sang it at a higher pitch - but oh well next time i guess xD

brainy beauty?

this is a #notsohumblebrag post - but someone nominated me for a beauty pageant in singapore! I feel completely floored that people think of me as someone who would be in a beauty contest, not to mention actually do well in it! I've always been seen as the nerdy person, not the brainless bimbo...so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. I'm going to see it as a good thing - they think of me as a brainy beauty!

If I were in sg I would totally go for it, just for the experience and to find out if the stereotypes are true - all the catfights/backstabbing/stress to look pretty and skinny, or if everyone's really nice and all about the sisterhood. I would definitely fail terribly at it but at least it would be a once in a lifetime experience no? xD

As I thought about it, I had another terrifying thought - the other contestants would make me feel like I'm too fat, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm too dumb, etc. It wouldn't be a confidence booster, but rather it would be a confidence destroyer! Knowing my confidence issues, this would definitely challenge my self-identity and how I see myself...

Given that my mum always says to me: aiyo why you turned so dark again! why are you so fat! etc, I have a constant image of what an asian lady should look like i.e. not quite like me. Ideally I should be skinny and tall (or small and short and cute) and super fair and THEN I can get married and have lots of babies or something. oh gosh the ephemeral and unattainable image of success. #asianparents

Oh well. I shall continue to strive towards my own definition of success, to continually grow and learn without my self-identity being affected by what others think of me.

Relating to The Tea Girl

I'm halfway through this book a friend recommended me called "The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane" by Lisa See, and I love it so far! It's been a long while since I was last so entranced, enchanted and engrossed by a book that I can hardly put it down. It's a story about an Akha girl growing up in a rural mountain village of Yunnan as a tea picker, and how she grows and transforms as she struggles against her hill tribe's traditions and superstitions. This is definitely refreshing, immersive and absolutely thought provoking. It reminds me of my family's love for tea and what I know about the hill tribes (like A-mei! and other tribal minorities); it also reminds me of my extended family back in china and how globalization / industrialization has affected them. The romanized terms in the book are chinese words that I know, such as gaokao, pu-er, po-nay, etc so I feel an affinity towards the book whenever I see these words. The superstitions and traditions seem accurate and they provoke such stirring feelings in me as I read about them. It's the story-telling and the way it transports me into this rural setting that's really left an impact on me.

I love how her transformation over the years reminds me of my transformation as I left my home, went outside of my comfort zone and unlearned the traditions, superstitions and Asian way of life/Asian mindset. Like me, she became westernized and modernized, and looked critically at superstitions that no longer made sense to her. Like me, she struggled against what she thinks is right vs what she's learned from her family/village is right, vs what the outside world is teaching her.

In the book, globalization and its impact on the village took place at a much faster rate than I'd expect (within 8 years! Is that how long it really took in China?) and hence felt a lot more shocking to me. I still don't know how the Akha villagers adapted so quickly and knew how to let go of their old ways and beliefs - they're surprisingly open minded for a group of close minded tribal folks - was it due to necessity and money? I know it happened too with my extended family in china, but they weren't as superstitious though. How much of this is reflected across rural china? How much of this is reflected in other insular and traditional societies across the world?

To what extent is this change good or bad? *Spoiler Alert* I'm glad they've stopped killing twins in the book, and I know that leaving and being different from the rest was seen as a shameful thing for her. However as the main character gained confidence, developed a sense of self identity and what she's looking for, she no longer cared as much about the Akha old ways that were only holding her back. Now her family/villagers celebrate her differences only because she's become successful, but they still insist that she gets married, as though marriage is the hallmark of success. I've seen that a lot too when I go home, the Asian belief that you have to be married to be happy.

The same beliefs that if I'm not married I'm unwanted and it's bad, that once I leave home I won't want to come back, that I have to abide by my family's rules and ways when I'm home. I feel the same way she does - frustration that your family can't accept you the way you are and trust your decisions as an intelligent and independent adult. They want to impose their beliefs and mindset on you, so they can be important in your life again. This has been and will continue to be a struggle for me - how can I adjust my self identity and still accommodate different beliefs back home, and how can I live happily in this combination of influences? How can I live with myself and with my family's mindset without offending anyone, without compromising my self?

I foresee some difficult conversations and tough decisions in my future; hopefully I'll be much better prepared for it when the time comes...

On a side note - I did my first "business" lunch of sorts today with a career officer at Stanford, discussing some opportunities for recruiting on campus this year. I'm really excited about it, and I feel grown up talking business over lunch on my own, without any other senior person taking charge. :D

stunned

Interesting episode of the day - last night I was at the hotel lobby (it was around 12.30am), heading back to my room, when I saw a waiter needing help with a few heavy boxes on a cart. I helped him out for a bit and another hotel guest helped out too. That hotel guest then made conversation with me and squeezed my arm / biceps saying wow you're strong eh? I was super shocked - no one has ever squeezed my biceps before, not to mention a complete stranger!!

As we headed up in the elevator, he was friendly and talking to folks in the elevator, but because I was on one of the top floors it ended up being just the two of us left behind. I said - oh we're on the same floor? He just smiled and said - are we?

That's when I had a sinking feeling - thinking omg is he a creepy stalker and going to follow me to my room? I suddenly felt unsafe, afraid and very uncomfortable...this guy was creeping me out!

He asked - what are you doing after this? I said...sleep? We reached my floor and I walked out - he followed and said - you sure you don't want to hang out? I said, trying to act nonchalant while freaking out inside, "nah - I've had a long day. Goodnight" and then I walked off briskly.

Honestly I was freaked out and didn't know what to do if he decided to follow me. A few seconds later I thought I should have walked in the opposite direction of my room so he couldn't find out where I was staying, but it was too late and I looked back - fortunately he didn't follow me. Once I got in the room, I put on the privacy lock and it took a while to compose myself. Guess it's not always safe traveling on your own as a female, esp later at night.

In hindsight, I feel flattered that this guy was interested in me, but I felt more stunned by this revelation - is this how guys pick up girls? By staying on in an elevator and hoping they get to hang out (in the room???) and get some? Maybe he's just trying his luck, but I guess I'm too innocent in the ways of this world...

I'm just glad nothing happened. Guess I do have to stay viligant every once in a while, and be more used to guy's attentions lol

Many happy returns of the day!

It's my birthday tomorrow, but because it's a work day and I'll be traveling for work (and will probably be working late fixing that big presentation...), I ended up celebrating all weekend with my friends. We started off on Friday with a michelin star japanese restaurant called Ju-ni (meaning 12 in japanese), then bar-hopping/clubbing after that. This is mainly because of a friend visiting from Atlanta, so we wanted to take her out and have fun in SF while celebrating my birthday.

I haven't gone clubbing in a year (since my birthday last year), guess now it really is an annual occurrence lol. I had such an amazing time though, it was a real great confidence booster! I walked in the door and within 2 seconds this guy came and talked to me. and the trend continued...one after another, I ended up getting 搭讪 by 8 different guys that night! I also got to dance, get free drinks, and really let go of myself the way I don't do anymore...it really made me feel carefree and young and like a child again. This weekend, I let loose a lot more than I usually do, which made me realise how uptight and "old" I've become now. I don't like drinking, or going out, or doing crazy things anymore. I don't jump around laughing because I feel happy, or dance on the streets, or sing at the top of my voice just because. And this weekend I did all of the above and more hahaha.

On Saturday, I went to a cosplay festival (my first one in sf) - again another nostalgic thing from my past-life. I had associated it with a waste of time (which is what my dad thinks), and as a responsible adult I shouldn't be wasting time on that, but going made me feel happy and young again. Brought back all the happy memories of my youth indulging in anime, jpop, going to cosplay events and hanging out with my japanese club friends.

Am I becoming more like my dad, like adults who just judge everything that people do, especially if it's someone different from you, doing something you don't agree with? I wish I can retain a child-like heart while gaining maturity and wisdom. That's what I'm reflecting on this year, as I embark on the beginning of my late twenties - I want to keep my child-like trust and belief in the good of people, while being realistic and wise about the dangers/risks of the world. There is a constant pull of conflicting factors - do we live life like there's no tomorrow being risk-taking, or do we live life planning ahead for the future and being risk-averse? How do we balance being carefree and being responsible? How do we let loose while being in control? To what extent should we explore vs exploit?

Then Saturday evening I had dinner with my housemates (who so kindly treated me, thank you!). There was a problem with our reservation because we showed up late, and we had a person who was going to be another 30min late - to me it was our fault and it's natural that they had to let go of our table and we had to wait at least 45min for a table to open up. However my friends didn't agree with it since they had called ahead and let them know of the situation, and they said they could seat us as long as we ordered first. It became a point of contention with the restaurant manager, and I wanted to tell them hey just let it go, it is our fault and even if we could get seated and ordered first, we would still have to wait for the last guy anyway. Instead, we could just hang out in the area until that person arrived, then it's about time for a table to open up.

However that's not how they saw it, and they remained aggressive towards the restaurant manager. I saw how I didn't know how to intervene and deal with difficult situations when they're my friends - I didn't know how to go against them in a nice way, while protecting the interests of the restaurant. I was siding with the restaurant, but my friends were not seeing it that way as their expectations and trust were being betrayed. It definitely put a downer on the celebratory mood for the meal, but I also saw my shortcomings in this area. I need to learn how to step up and speak up for what I think is right in a sensitive and tactful manner, so I won't be hurting my friends...

After dinner, we went to catch a play called the "Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime". I read this book many years back, so I was excited to find out it's been made into a play! It's very interesting to see how they translated the thoughts and emotions and experiences of an autistic teen with information / sensory overload by using lighting, sounds and dance movements. There were digital panels on all walls of the stage projecting information and words and images that supported all these, and the technology use was amazing. They also broke the 4th wall by referring to the audience and to making a play out of his story - which was actually the play we're watching! I really enjoyed how they put the play together - definitely worth a watch. Oh and be sure to stay past the "end" credits because there will be additional 5min of acting after that xP

On Sunday, I went to napa valley with my friends and decided to wear my new flowery sundress! It's pretty and has an asymmetrical hem, and it made me feel confident, happy and like a celebrity haha. Clothing really can transform a person (emotionally, mentally, physically...). We went to 3 wineries - two of them are new to me but were recommended by friends, while one was my usual favorite winery I always go to. We did a few tastings, did a cave tour, and I bought a very nice bottle of Madeira! yumm...it shall last me for the rest of the year haha. Also, I helped out an elderly couple with directions to Livermore - my good deed of the day! And the cashier was kind to me too, he found out it's my birthday tomorrow and threw in a chocolate bar in my bag for free! Really, kindness is contagious - let's aim to help a person a day, or at least gift a smile to someone so this kindness would pass on.

It was today outside a winery that I danced, sang, jumped and laughed. I did some pretty crazy things not because of the wines (I wasn't tipsy because I poured away tastings I didn't finish), but rather I was so happy and in a good mood today. I have so many things to be grateful for - I'm alive and healthy, with a great job and career and income, I can afford to eat whatever I want and travel wherever, I am at the prime time of my life and can date whoever I want, I am young but have learned so much to know I need to learn more, and I had a great weekend and friends who are celebrating me! It's amazing really, and I wish I did that more. Embrace the joys of life that we should be grateful for.

busy life!

There's been a lot going on in my life these days - sorry I haven't been updating! Hmm quick summary: I got promoted at work this month, had my raise and bonus woots! I'm preparing for training in DC next week - I'm presenting on cloud strategy to my company so I'm excited about that. I started on a new project based in Chicago/SF so I'm spending more time in SF and also traveling once or twice a month to Chicago, so that's pretty nice.

I'm going on dates with folks I met at salsa dancing and at speed dating - not too much progress there but we'll see how things go. I'm trying different michelin star restaurants, and have been traveling a lot - to Costa Rica, Boston, Pittsburgh (for fun) and Chicago (for work). I'll be going to DC and NYC next week, and then various national parks for Independence Day and Labor Day. Fun right?

Oh and our stove broke out in an electrical fire of sorts this Monday and really scared me and my roommate badly - made me reflect on how underprepared we were had it been a huge fire! Made me re-think how vulnerable we are...

And lastly, I'm preparing a new song for my friend's wedding! We decided to do an english song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" which is pretty cliche love song, but you can't really go wrong with that (and it's also disney!). I'll also be singing with the bride's friend - Fan Wei Qi's wedding song Zui Zhong Yao De Jue Ding. I didn't really like it at first, but somehow I've warmed up to it and now I find it fun to sing haha. I recorded a version with the melody and harmony - I didn't sing it very well because it was really my first take and I didn't have time to make it better haha (been busy with work), but I'll keep practicing and make sure it sounds better for the wedding day!

It was way more fun choreographing the harmonies and figuring out how to sing the harmony track hehe!