The Power Pause

I’m reading this book called “The Power Pause”, and a lot of it resonates with me as someone who held a strong identity tied to my career, and went through a little struggle to decide if I should be a full time mom or continue working. It’s a book encouraging moms to reframe the career break as a power pause, and be positioned to go back to the workforce even stronger and better in the future. I’m not yet convinced about that part, but it’s still an interesting read, something for me to keep in mind.

This quote really stood out to me: 

“When you’re at work, all you can see is what’s in front of you: the deadlines, pressure, frustration, exhaustion, and burnout,” she says. “But our values change when we have children. And when you take time away from the commercial workforce, it allows you to clear your head and reassess what yours are. In time, you can translate those values into the next career you want to pursue. Taking a break can be incredibly important. It can launch you even further.”

I agree so much with this! My maternity leave helped me see how absorbed I’ve been in career and volunteering and constant pursuits, and haven’t given myself time to relax and slow down. To just enjoy life in the present, to appreciate the little moments that we have. Sure, it can be boring at times, but it’s also a very refreshing way of resetting your body and mind, and feeling happy in just being. Loving myself as I am.

—-

The decision to stay home (vs work) essentially made itself when I realized I no longer enjoyed my work, as the culture and people have changed, and I longed for a break, to focus on something more meaningful and less stressful. Motherhood suited me since I enjoyed playing and having fun with my baby. While I did not enjoy the chores, I realize they are kind of meditative, relaxing even, once I figured out a rhythm to the routine and repetition.

Sometimes I find ways to engage my baby in my chores like dancing while I’m making breakfast, or make funny faces while folding laundry, or singing happy songs while washing dishes. But these days, what makes it easier is for me to listen to an audiobook or a podcast while I’m going through mundane chores. I pause to play with my baby, but otherwise let him explore and play independently, as he’s really been enjoying walking and wandering all over the house. He then turns and comes back to me for comfort. 

It’s become easier on my body since I don’t have to carry him all the time anymore, especially since he’s gotten heavy. He prefers walking / crawling instead of staying in my arms, and somehow finds it more entertaining touching random things in the house 😆. It does get harder to keep him away from dangerous things or putting inedible things into his mouth. He's tried eating leaves and soil/bark off our potted plant, and grabbing some Kleenex and stuffing them into his mouth!

It's been quite a journey, and I’m glad that motherhood is evolving in both easier and more difficult ways.

The Fleeting Early Years

I was playing with my baby and had the thought that my time with him will be so fleeting. It’s not 18 years you get with your kids, it’s really only the first 10-12 years that your kids rely on you and want you around for everything. My baby is only 8 months old, but he already doesn’t want me to hold or hug him all the time, and he wants to crawl around and stand up on his own. But he’ll always turn to look for me and smile at me, like he’s saying, “Look mummy! I’m standing! Look at me!”.

I love how he keeps turning for me, that regardless of where I am in the room he’ll crawl to the closest spot to me and play there. He likes his independent play, but at the same time be near me for comfort and affection and love and attention. It’s so cute! And I wish I had that as a kid myself, then I wouldn’t feel as deprived of affection and attention as I do as an adult. I want things better for my baby.

It’s funny because as I’m thinking these things, my hubby shared this video with me.

It’s true - I think that as kids hit puberty, they generally don’t want parents around as much. This is probably an evolutionary instinct, as they need to learn to be independent and be ready to leave the care of their parents. Teens want their own freedom and independence to explore and try their own things. They want their own friends. They want to try dating, and parents end up being more like a hindrance or annoyance to them. They want to rebel against what parents tell them to do, as they need to learn for themselves to make mistakes, handle their own failures, then pick themselves back up again. I’ll strive to remember this as my baby gets older, no helicopter parenting!!

My goal is to become a friend and peer-like mentor to them at that stage, and be a steadfast anchor for my kids. I want to be the person they want to go to when they need comfort, love and affection, when they need acceptance of who they are regardless of what they did, and I’ll be there for them. Just be a safe harbor when they need help, have questions or want to cry or complain to someone. I’d like to think my years of volunteering as a mentor to high schoolers make me well equipped for the role of being a mom of teenagers 😅.

Till then, I want to treasure every moment I can with my baby. Before I know it, my baby will no longer want mummy anymore!

Benefits of Video Games

I knew that playing video games has its benefits, but couldn’t quite explain or quantify it. This presentation really laid it out clearly, and I learned some new things too! You can watch the video here (it’s a little long but you can listen to it at 2x speeds!).

I didn’t realize that video games can improve kids’ reading, and have them read at multiple grades above their level! The idea is that when a child is interested in the topic or game, they will take on the challenge to understand the text and to figure things out, even if it’s more difficult than their level of understanding.

They learn to build scientific models to figure out how to win at the game, and how to improve and get better. There are games that encourage learning new languages and interacting with other players across cultures and around the world. This is fascinating, and has been true of my experience playing different games in the past 20+ years (on console, PC, mobile, cards and board games).

Play is a great way to learn, and I’m glad to hear that games is a form of play that can help bring people together and improve. 

——

I want my baby to learn to play games productively, to enjoy the process of learning and figuring things out! It would be so fun for the whole family to be bonding over games in the future (until he gets to be a moody teenager who wants nothing to do with his parents 😂). 

I’m also worried about him getting addicted or into the dark side of gaming, jeopardizing his mental health, his studies and social life. It is something that I think every parent worries about, and I don’t want to become the cliché of a close-minded parent not allowing games at all for my kids, building up resentment from them. That would be so hypocritical of me, since I’ve always loved playing games since I was 12!

I will have to think about how to inoculate him from the dangers of gaming addiction and playing with strangers, particularly when he’s still at a susceptible young age, and to set a good example for him to model in the future. Feel free to DM me if you have any ideas on how I can do that!

——

Here’s a fun update on Overwatch - I’ve signed my team up for a tournament that started last night, and will continue through the next 7 weeks. We are excited to be playing different teams and being forced to learn and improve! But we are the lowest ranked team, and I can see that we will be losing many (if not all) the games in the future.

We are the underdogs, but the more we review our teamwork and gameplay, the better we will become. At the end of the day, we are the ones who stand to benefit most from this tournament! But it also means that as team captain and the unofficial grownup / mentor of the team, I need to make sure that we don’t crumble under pressure or succumb to negative self-talk that causes us to lose sight of our goal. 

Our goal is to practice and improve, not necessarily to win. If we do happen to win along the way, great! But that’s not the point. We are a new team and have a looong way to go to get better. Wish us luck!

——

Reflecting on my past 2+ months as captain for the organized team in Overwatch, I found myself really enjoying mentoring others on the team. Even though I’m not very good at the game, I’m the oldest and I have seen a lot more in life. Since my team is all girls and mostly aged 18-22, I realize how vulnerable and sensitive they are, and also insecure or anxious as well. I felt the same way at their age, and I still do now that I’m older, but I’ve just become better at self-talk and self-soothing, to take a step back and take the big picture perspective.

Some games (including Overwatch) are like a sport, where you can review your gameplay, get coaching, and focus on your mistakes to do better. You learn how to handle disappointment from losing, and then persistence in trying again and again in order to win. This mentality is so crucial to a good life, to building positive psychology and mental resilience, as our kids will always be faced with setbacks and challenges in life. They need to learn how to handle them on their own, as us parents won’t be around to help them all the time. In fact, when they become teens, the point is for them to figure out their own identity to be separate from us, and so my kids will probably not want my help at that point.

As I’m helping my teammates with a positive mentality, I feel like I’m teaching this skill of how to build resilience in their mindset to handle failure. At the same time, I’m practicing it myself - the more you teach others a skill, the better at the skill you become. It calms me down when I help others, and I’ve found that it’s such a win-win situation to do that in order to help me stay focused on learning and improving as well.

It’s funny that I’ve found myself in a leadership role inadvertently again, but I’ve grown so much in the past decade that I actually enjoy being a leader. Compared to the young introverted me, lacking in confidence back in high school and college, I’ve really grown into my own. I feel so proud, so lucky and grateful to have turned out who I am today. That all the struggles and work put in over the years are paying off.

Life is Fragile

You won't believe what happened this morning!

I was burping baby and walking around the living room, when I saw a flash of brown and a loud THUMP. Feathers flew in a swirl outside the window. A small sparrow, poor thing, just slammed into our window hard, and bounced onto the ground. Did a bird just kill itself against our window, right in front of my eyes?

I was stunned, traumatized. The sound of a small bird hitting the window was so much louder than I could have imagined. It sounded like a human pounded against the window. This was the first time that I witnessed a life snuff out before my eyes (besides bugs that we've killed). I felt so sorry for the poor bird, and sad that life is so fragile. One moment, soaring through the air. The next, dead.

A part of me hoped and wondered, maybe the bird isn't dead. Maybe it's just concussed and passed out. 

We've had a dead bird once, on the back side of the house, and that looked different - it lay there after hitting the glass railing on the roof and had red blood flowing from its body. That was well and truly dead.

This bird seemed a little different in that it fell to the ground in a sitting position, so it's still upright. Its head lowered to its chest and was resting in an odd nesting position. I'm afraid to check if it's dead.

I went on with my morning, feeding baby and doing my thing. Figured I'll tell my husband when he's up, and we can figure out how to dispose of the dead bird, like we had done before.

An hour later, a miracle happened. My hope came true - the bird woke up, took a big poop on our patio, hopped around, and flew off. It's alive! 

I'm so glad we didn't have to dispose of the dead sparrow. My heart was hurting, seeing and thinking of the poor bird.

What an eventful morning. It's a good reminder that life is fleeting and so easily snuffed out. We never know when our last day is - let's be sure to treasure every moment and the people around us. 🩷

New Hair, New Me!

I got a haircut today, to celebrate the end of work. Yay!

I feel like getting a haircut symbolizes a new beginning. I’ve been feeling really hot these days with my long hair, and I’ve also been losing more hair due to postpartum hair loss. I wanted to cut it off so I didn’t have to clean up after my hair so much, but I just couldn’t find the time with a young baby, work and ow practice. Finally, I can get my haircut!

It’s also fun to be stress-free about getting a haircut. Even if it’s too short or ugly, no one’s really going to be seeing it anyway, since I don’t have clients or work anymore. I asked to cut it off a few extra inches because I didn’t want it to be long enough for baby to grab (he’s been grabbing my long hair a lot, and goodness it hurts!). It’s also cooler and easier to tie up or manage if it’s shorter. I guess I’ve really become a mom 👩.

Lastly, now that I cut it shorter, I can go many months without having another haircut again haha. I can probably make it last till next February to do it in Singapore hehe 🙃.

Randomly, the hairstylist has a really cute cat called Twinkle. He was a very good cat; he came to me for pets and cuddles, and leapt onto my lap while I was getting my haircut. I petted him lots. 

It feels like I’m cuddling and patting my baby, but furrier and calmer. Maybe we should get a cat or a cat-like dog, when my baby gets older and doesn’t want to be cuddled anymore. That way I can cuddle with a pet and get the same happy feelings like playing with a baby! 

I had so much hair cut off, it’s literally a load off my shoulders. It feels like I’ve lost a pound of hair, aaaand I feel great!

Last Day of Work!

Today is my last day at work! Definitely a feeling of freedom and relief, and excited I can spend more time with baby. I sent out a farewell note to the people I’ve worked with, and I got so many lovely, kind notes back. I didn’t know I left such an impact on so many coworkers, even the ones I wasn’t close with or only worked with on a short project. I’m glad to know I was a “breath of fresh air in everything I’ve done” and had “meaningful chats” with others, and I brought “expertise, positivity” and always gave time to “lend a helping hand”. It was really sweet seeing that. Now I know you can get all the compliments from your coworkers when you leave a job 😅.

I think spending 30 days at work after being on maternity leave for 6 months, made me truly appreciate how hard it is to be a working mom. I was constantly stressed about everything, multitasking and never getting anything done right, always feeling like I’m two steps behind, that I couldn’t give the attention I wanted to my work and personal life and family life. 

It’s hard for someone like me, used to As or Bs, to be ok with Pass / Fail / good enough. So I’m always stressed out and struggling to let things go. Being able to focus on being a mom makes everything so much easier. Phew. Now I’m so grateful that I could have down time to myself, I could focus on feeding and playing with baby, and not have to stay up late to do work 😊.

There are so many things I want to work on now, from introducing solids and allergens to baby, to going on trips together. We’ll be going to Point Reyes for the first time in a week and a half! Exciting stuff :)

On a side note, I also did really well on a recent OW2 scrim and felt very happy. I went on to have a win streak today. It’s making me feel that with less stress, I had better sleep and focus, and just generally played better. My mental wellbeing is better as well.

We got champagne and cheese to celebrate tonight. Here’s to the last day of work, and many new days of motherhood!

First Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day! It’s my first one, and I feel oddly excited about it, but at the same time anticlimactic as we’re not doing anything differently.

I just want to rest my poor aching body today 😅.

My lovely partner, gamely took care of baby in the morning so I get to sleep in and rest more. Thank you my love, that’s the best Mother’s Day gift I can get 😊.

Seeing baby’s smiles and giggles, that’s the other best gift I can get. And to think that I receive this gift every single day! He’s taken to pawing at my face, putting his fingers in my mouth (so I nibble on them, he always loves it and starts laughing really hard!), and also grabbing my cheeks and nose. I’m glad to be helping him practice his hand grasp motions and finger pincer skills 😂.

——

Last night, I called home to wish my mom a happy Mother’s Day. I sent her orange flowers this year, which was different from the usual pink and purple pastel colors, just to switch things up haha. We ended up talking a lot about our shared experiences of raising a baby, and I felt like I am connecting with my mom in a way that I have never done before. It’s only because I am raising a child now, which had been her identity and focus most of her adult life, that we are getting closer and able to bond through our shared identity.

This is definitely an unexpected benefit, since I’ve previously been emotionally distant from my mom. She used to criticize or complain a lot, and had many negative things to say to whatever we do. I think she’s mellowed out as she got older, and became more open to positive affirmation and agreeing with us, making me feel like she’s turning towards my bid for connection (instead of turning away). I think my mom had been worried that I’ve decided to have a kid, but also glad that she can finally relate to me in a way that we just couldn’t before. I’ve arrived at the right life stage for her to understand and connect with me like peers.

I asked her questions about how I was as a baby, so we could see the similarities and differences with my baby. I didn’t have chunky thighs as a baby, so those must come from my partner. But same as my baby, I was also always curious and looking around, and I got my first teeth at 7-8 months! My baby is teething now and probably about to get his first tooth soon too (at 6.5 months)!

And I learned funny stories like for my first birthday, I stuck my fingers in the birthday cake so I could eat the cream. Apparently I was so fast my mom couldn’t even light the candles. Then after she lit the candles, I got scared of the flame, so I used my foot to kick the cake instead. Imagine baby me with hands, foot and face full of cream hahaha, it’s so funny and I can totally see my baby doing it as well! It’s wondrous to reminisce on these anecdotes together, and to look towards the future for my baby’s first birthday as well. I’m loving this 3-generation connection that’s bringing me and my mom closer together.

We also talked about how I always begged for toys but she didn’t get me any, because there’s already too many toys at home. But they’re my brother’s toys…so I used to bring 1-2 boy’s toys to school every day. Apparently this left such an impression on my kindergarten classmate that he remembered me 20 years later, as the girl who always brought boy’s toys to school!

Now that explains why I never had dolls growing up, why I’ve always felt deprived of affection as a child, and why I used to compare myself to my brother a lot. It’s because I was always getting his hand me downs, and my mom wouldn’t get me new clothes or toys that’s just for me. So I would feel like she favored my brother and not me. Now I know that’s not the case, it was just because of convenience and saving money! I am finally just realizing now that my mom wasn’t playing favorites after all.

This is helping me resolve some of my feelings / resentment towards my mom. I don’t agree with her methods, but I understand it now as something reasonable to her and how she thought was best for us. If I have a second kid, I’m going to make sure they get their own toys and clothes as well, or both kids get hand me downs from friends or fb marketplace. It’s only fair that way :)

Off to See the Beach!

Today we went to the beach with the baby for the first time. It’s his first time taking the bus, first time seeing many people, first time seeing the ocean and sand, and first time using the stroller! So many firsts for him in this one outing 😅.

It’s also a beautiful day today, which made it so nice to be out and about. Something about watching the waves roll in, seeing the birds soar and glide in formation, riding the wind, really made me feel so happy and whole. Seeing the kites fly through the blue sky, watching the sunset over the glistening water. Hearing the peaceful rhythmic sounds of the waves crashing and receding. These all calmed my senses and body, having not seen the ocean in at least a year. That’s the power of nature indeed!

Me and my husband had a wonderful time, and our baby was also on his best behavior, no fussiness or crying. We took turns carrying baby in the carrier, and then pushed him the stroller on flat surfaces, then back to carrier for the ride home. We even got to catch a mini concert by the beach! All of this made the day perfect 😍. 

—-

Gosh I’m soooo tired. I walked 20k steps today, a good portion of it carrying a 6 month old baby. It’s definitely not something I’d recommend doing unless you want to end up with sore muscles by the end of it. My legs, back, shoulders, arms, feet were suffering by the end of the day…but it was all worth it.

I’m excited to continue doing outings like this regularly, to keep things fresh and fun! Honestly, it felt like date night when I got to go out to fun places or try new restaurants with my husband, bringing the baby along. It’s the best kind of family outing that oddly also feels like I’m going on a date with my partner! I felt lots of happy love hormones like serotonin and oxytocin on today’s outing, which is great 😊.

Now that I know this, it’s easy to arrange dates - just bring the baby! We get two benefits at once - getting to bond with my partner through the challenges of bringing baby out and having fun through it all, while letting baby experience more of the world and see fun things too. Win-win situation, and no babysitter needed!

Cool Things

Before I forget, let me document this. Some cool things I observed today:

- Baby pushed the playpen from the inside using his arms, legs and body weight. He was pushing hard, mashing his face up against the mesh on the sides of the playpen (sooo cute), just so he can get closer to mummy / the console and try to get out. As a result of about 10min of pushing, the playpen moved a whole foot!! It’s no easy feat even for adults to push the equivalent of their own weight plus the playpen and toys from the inside (without jumping)!

- He drank from a straw cup for the first time, and after about 2-3 tries he’s sucked up milk and swallowed on his own without help from me at all! He’s learned to drink from a straw just like that 🤯. For all that I’ve heard about how it could take a few days and how hard it can be…my baby made my life so easy.

-  He reached up to grab the little white basket of washcloths and socks on top of couch, so he could chew on them. He ended up standing on the couch trying to reach them, with some support from the back of the couch! Amazing!

- He tried Greek yogurt for the first time, didn’t like it as much and made a funny face since it wasn’t sweet. But he ate it all and tried to eat the bowl. He had fun grabbing yogurt in his fingers and playing with it. What a fun mess it was! I ended up licking my own fingers with yogurt too, it’s so much fun eating messily with a child 😂.

- He also tried blueberries for the first time, cooked and mashed into a juice / puree. He loved it, must be how sweet it was and a nice texture too! I mixed some in with the yogurt so he could enjoy it more.

- I trimmed off a little of his baby hair around his ears for the first time and saved a lock of his hair. Any ideas on what to do with this hair lock?

ma ma

He said ma ma for the first time yesterday! To be fair, it’s not conscious talking, so I won’t count it as first words yet. He has been babbling a lot and trying out new sounds in his mouth and how it feels. So far he’s been saying buh buh, ba ba and da da, sometimes guh guh. More commonly, he is blowing raspberries and making bubbles with his drool and mouth. So fun! I love making the sounds back to him, it’s almost like vocal warmup exercises babbling like a baby 😆. He’s also really cute when he babbles, it makes me laugh and my heart melts, my spirits soar. What a little cutie!

Anyway, when he says da da, I would say, “Well that’s calling for daddy and not mummy, so daddy should go get you” 😅. Then I proceed to say “ma ma” a few times to him…

And yesterday he said ma ma instead!! Wow what a surprise, he’s learning so fast! 

I’m also making a spreadsheet to start planning and tracking solids for baby. People asked me what I’m going to do first when I quit, and I’m like focus on introducing solids for the next 6 months! I’m reading a book about it and learning that there’s a magical window from 6-12 months where babies will try all sorts of new foods; they will reject trying new things after 1 year old. So good to know! I’ve gotta get my baby on the foodie bandwagon hehe 😉  

I also want to take him on more trips, to go see the beach, go hiking, and maybe even an overnight trip somewhere! The possibilities are endless now that he can sit up and use the baby high chair at restaurants :) We shall see.

See the World through Your Eyes

I’m here to document a few small things I’ve observed with my baby, and reflect on the experiences for myself. He’s been growing so fast physically and mentally -- it almost feels exponential these first few months!

I never knew babies have such huge developmental leaps, and it’s fascinating to observe each and every one of them as they occur. It’s incredible to watch a living being change so much from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. 

I guess if I had raised a pet from birth, I might have had some idea of how it could be like. I had this thought the other day, that I kind of wished I was an older sibling, so I could see how a younger sibling would be like as a baby, watch my mom change diapers, raise a baby, and get a sense of these milestones. Instead, I’m just wholly unprepared for this role as a mother.

Good thing that I learn fast. I never liked change or being forced to learn things constantly, but this experience has been making me feel more comfortable being uncomfortable. To figure things out as I go, through trial and error, and not hold any real expectations. To explore the world via experimentation like a baby does.

I mimic what he does sometimes, lie on the floor to look at him from his eye level, and look at the sky outside the window and marvel at the passing clouds. I talk to him about the birds on the power lines and what they’re doing. I talk about the ceiling and walls and the cool things around the house that I’m noticing for the first time from this angle, because I’m being present with my baby and checking things out with him from a different perspective.

It’s fascinating and eye opening, and truly wonderful living life this way. I feel like I’m thriving in a way I couldn’t imagine before. I feel like I had been living life in a monotone world of routine and screens and stress and expectations before, and now the world has burst into multicolor experiences!

He’s gone through a few cool milestones, like discovering that he really loves the taste of banana over other solids we’ve introduced (must be the sweet taste!). He also randomly pulled himself up into standing for a whole minute just so he could reach and chew on the hanging handles. I was so impressed and surprised, shocked even. I am still reeling from that experience, marveling at how fast babies figure things out on their own. All he did was try whatever works to reach what he wanted, with no help needed from any adults. If only we adults can be as self sufficient and persistent in life!

I’m looking forward to more fun discovery and experiences with you, my little one :)

Unconditional Love

Every morning I wake up to this: initial crying yells of frustration, then whining that escalates to wailing, that escalate to uncontrollable sobs and cries. My heart aches for him.

But I also receive this wonderful gift everyday: those large eyes of unwavering adoration, full of unconditional love and affection, arms outstretched reaching for mummy. His smile, so wide that it shows his cute toothless gums. Sometimes a giggle. Sometimes a squeal. Sometimes a lopsided grin that he does, taking after daddy.

I’m very lucky to have this little baby in my life. It makes me soo happy to catch these glimpses of lovely moments with him everyday. It’s even more mind-boggling that this little kiddo truly loves me unconditionally. I’ve never been loved this way before, not by my family, and not even by my husband, who doesn’t show such unfettered displays of affection often.

I receive this beautiful love everyday, multiple times a day when my baby turns to look for me, and giggles at me. Every time he reaches for me, looking at me with so much love, my heart melts. How could I say no to this?

My heart is full of love for him, growing stronger everyday as I gaze at his peaceful sleeping face, look upon his adoring eyes, watch him play in contentment, and even when he cries and screams in frustration. Now I understand why mothers throw themselves in harm’s way to save their children. It is so wondrous that I can feel the same way now. 

Is this biology? Hormones? Or something else? I never knew I could feel this way. This is a gift of magical proportions, like a miracle.

Is this what it feels like to feel high on love?

I didn’t know that this is what it’s like to become a mom. For some reason, when people asked me why I wanted to have kids, I never fathomed unconditional love. I’ve always thought of it as the next big experience of life I wanted to go through, to experience leveling up of emotions, maturity and understanding of the world. All of it came to be true, but at a scale and depth that I could never have imagined. 

Now I understand why people want to have kids to feel loved or to heal their own childhood traumas. This is definitely an unexpected benefit of having a kid for me. I’m rewriting my own childhood resentments with this new experience of being a parent. 

So thank you, my little one. You are healing me with every smile, giggle and cuddle. It’s such a gift to experience you everyday.

I love you, my baby. You truly fill my days with joy and wonder.

End of an Era

I just put in my 2 weeks’ notice today, I’ll be quitting on May 16. This marks the end of my work era, and beginning my motherhood and semi-retirement era, where I focus on my baby and the little joys in life.

I have so many big emotions right now. I’m scared and nervous, since it’s my first time quitting a job. At the same time I feel relieved since I was feeling burned out and less passionate about my work. I also feel sad to say goodbye to my career woman and mentor identity, to my friends at the workplace. My team, my managers, and the people I’ve spent the past 11 years of my life with. The people I spent my adulthood with, who helped me grow and change so much professionally and personally.

Work has been my second family, my home away from home. I spent more time with them than my friends and family, especially since we were traveling together every week for projects, spending time outside of work going for dinners, lunches, hikes, jazz shows, sports games, and being stuck together in uber rides. So many fun and amusing memories, but I know it’s already been coming to an end post COVID. We’ve all drifted apart and moved on in different ways, so this is a natural close of an era for me.

I’m excited for what’s next! I probably will end up doing something again when my baby is a few years old. Whether it’s volunteering or working part time or a new job entirely for a meaningful cause, or maybe focusing on a hobby (join a dance or singing group?). I love the social aspects of work, the community and the feeling of having a second family. I will find this identity and sense of belonging for myself in this next phase of life.

A Sweet Memory

When I was little, maybe 6 or 7, I remember going on an overnight trip somewhere. It could have been when I was still in Hong Kong, or traveling somewhere in Mainland China, but for some reason I was at a nice big Chinese dinner with my school friends and somehow my mom wasn’t there.

She could have been there too, but I didn’t remember seeing her. Then I had to go to sleep early because I’m younger. My brother’s schoolmate who was 12 years old at the time and seemed so sisterly and much older, was the one who offered to take me up to my hotel room and put me to sleep.

She gave me a beautiful gift of Chinese wooden bookmarks, she sang to me, patted me slowly, and tucked me into bed. The room was dark. I remember feeling so comfortable, warm, soothed and loved, listening to her singing, seeing her dim outline as she patted me while sitting on the bed, until I fell asleep.

That’s the end of the memory, I don’t remember her face. I don’t know who she is or how she came to be there, but I remember she had long dark hair, and her name was Prudence. My mom didn’t sing and pat me to sleep when I was little (or if she did, it must have been before age 4 since I have no recollection of it). So this feeling of being put to sleep so lovingly and gently, was extra wonderful. I felt so soothed and loved, in a way that I haven’t felt before.

In hindsight, I must have been really deprived of affection as a kid. I didn’t know what I needed was to have someone comfort me like that, and even now as an adult, I crave positive affirmation and appreciation from others. I seek external validation, which makes it hard for me to accept negative words, criticism or feedback. 

Now, when my baby cries and gets fussy, I rock and pat and sing him to sleep. I don’t think anymore about how upsetting or frustrating it is to have to hold him and rock him for so long. I don’t think about how I wish he could be a good baby, the way my parents’ generation always say.

Instead, I think back to that warm memory, suffused with love and comfort, when I was being soothed in a strange and unknown place, in a dark hotel room, falling asleep. And I want to give that wonderful feeling to my baby, every single day. 

I want him to know that it’s ok to feel frustrated and sad and overwhelmed and tired and cry, as Mummy is here to love you and rock you to sleep. I will always be here to hug you and make you feel ok again, so that when you’re older, you will feel empowered and strong enough to go tackle the world head on. So that you won’t feel deprived of affection and seek validation from others. Because you’re well loved with all my heart.

Becoming the Best Version of Me

Ever since becoming a mom, I have been learning to be patient. Impatience has always been a weakness of mine, but now I want to change that. I spend a lot of time watching my kiddo strive, fail and try again. I see him growing so fast, learning and improving every single day, which makes me want to strive and improve myself too. I want to become the best version of me, for him.

What does this best version of me mean, you ask? I think it’s being calmer, patient and more understanding of others, especially when they cannot communicate through words. It’s learning to self-soothe and regulate my emotions, the way I would soothe him when he’s upset. It’s learning to give myself grace, and being more forgiving of myself, because if I’m doing that for my little one, why not for me too? 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am unleashing my inner child, letting the child live and thrive, fulfilling my childhood desires and deprivations through my experience of being a parent. I can finally be who I really am, who I want to be, without judgment. I can sing and dance with no qualms, because it’s just my baby watching me, and we are both enjoying it! It doesn’t matter how badly I botch things, as long as it makes him laugh. In fact, the more I botch things, the more interesting it is for him 😅.

I am seeing my child go through the same experiences I must have had as a kid, though unfortunately I didn’t get the affirmation I needed. Now, as I encourage and support him, affirming him and doing what’s best for him, it’s reminding me to also forgive myself and to do what’s best for my inner child too.

As a new parent, I’m always under a lot of stress with sleep deprivation and a lot of other frustrating situations. However, I know my baby is watching and learning, so it makes me want to be a better version of myself, so that my baby can learn the right ways to handle situations, and be proud of me in the future as well. He’s making me want to do better and BE better each day, and to give myself grace when I slip up.

My baby is teaching me that life is not a race. A baby’s time is on his own terms. He has no concept of what is quick or slow, what is good or not. All he’s doing is explore the world through trial and error, experience it for what it is, and being present in every single moment. My baby is not thinking, “oh I failed, so I’m giving up!”. He’s not having any of the emotional or mental or societal baggage that we live with throughout our lives.

Watching him makes me realize that I should have his mindset too. I need to learn to be more present in the moment and not be overthinking things. In fact, the process of learning and growing and living life is exactly what a baby does best. He’s truly the best teacher and therapist I can have 😅.

My baby is teaching me how to treasure every moment for what it is because once it’s past, you’ll never have it back again. 

The Little Delights

Ever since I had a baby, I’m slowly rediscovering my inner child in ways that I’ve long since forgotten. I didn’t realize how I’ve become a boring old adult over the last 20 years, and that my happy innocent ways as a child were shut down too early by my parents, teachers and society. This happened as young as when I was 7 or 8, as I could remember being scolded by a teacher for smiling too much, and by my dad for talking too much. I think they were worried I would not be taken seriously or get a job if I’m always such a chatterbox and being silly. 

But that’s what kids do, don’t they? As we grow older, we can learn to code switch - interchange between play and being serious, and we don’t have to be forced to act like adults when what we needed was to play as a kid!

I ended up confining my silly tendencies to my room and the bathroom. I used to make up imaginary stories about dinosaurs, princesses, kidnapping and saving them from gangsters, and I would act them out.  

I used to imagine I was a singer and celebrity like Rainie Yang or Cyndi Wang, and sang and danced in front of a mirror. I would practice those songs and dances (like kids do on TikTok these days), but showed them to no one but myself in the mirror. 

Now, I can finally unleash my inner child again. Recently, I’ve been singing a lot to my baby, and there’s no one to judge or laugh at me for singing random songs or acting silly. My college roommates used to joke that I was hosting yet another concert in the shower, as I would sing in the shower every day and felt so self-conscious about it. I stopped singing in the shower for a few years after that.

Now, I have a captive and rapt audience! My baby is so fascinated and happy when I sing, no matter how off tune I may be. I can make up lyrics to tunes that I barely remember, use singlish or chinglish whenever I wanted to - who cares what the actual song was like? Sometimes I compose songs and just hum and sing with made up lyrics, and I was shocked to realize I haven’t done that since I was 12! 

I danced while holding him and he was laughing and waving his arms so happily 😊😊. I was folding laundry and I started dancing with the clothes, and he was soo fascinated by it. This is making me very happy, to reconnect with my inner child and say that this is ok, no one is there to judge you, and in fact this is a fun way to engage with my baby! 

All my so-called weaknesses as a kid have become my strengths in being a mom. I’m so glad. My baby has become my therapist in that sense 😅, and giving me an outlet to release my creative tendencies again. I’ve started to pick up my old guitar so I can serenade my baby, singing while re-learning the guitar. This is another way of feeling more like myself, by doing things I enjoyed doing long before I had a baby.

I spend time reading next to my baby, and use funny voices to act out the voice lines. I used to mime and act in drama club as a kid, and using these funny voices really brought me back to those days when I could be free and creative. Now I’m reliving my carefree days again, and it’s giving both me and my baby so much joy and happiness.

I am grateful that I have not lost my child at heart. I hope that I can continue to cherish and remember the little delights in life, and not become a boring old mom that my kids end up resenting in the future…

First Times

Here’s a list of firsts with my little one (as of 4 months old):

• First smile 
• First coos, gurgles, giggles
• First shout
• First fart directly in my face! (got the full methane-blasting-up-my-nose experience 😂)
• First pee, poop, spit ups on me
• First sleep through night
• First rollovers and pre crawls

Can’t wait to experience more firsts with my baby!

Happy 2025!

Happy New Year folks! I can’t believe it’s already 2025…

So much happened in 2024, yet it also feels like I’ve done nothing at all. In 2024, I got my green card, I hit my 10 year work anniversary (and so am finally eligible for social security woots!), and I had a baby.

It’s been a wild ride being a first time mom; it’s really unlike anything I’ve been through in my life. It’s the most physically and emotionally challenging experience I’ve had by far, and I can see that it will only continue to push me outside of my comfort zone constantly. Having a kid means I have to learn to roll with the punches, which is easier said than done for me.

On the bright side, we celebrated with some wine and cheese with yummy sourdough bread and crackers. Our baby slept well (yay) so we could watch a few episodes of a show, while enjoying the wine and cheese. I felt so lucky and grateful to have my hubby and baby, and felt unbridled joy for the first time in a while.

Here’s the first and last alcohol I had in 2024! The previous time was in December 2023 in Singapore (after my wedding dinner), since I spent 2024 trying to conceive, being pregnant and then recovering postpartum. The wine was really good, it’s a Pinot Noir our landlord gifted us for the holidays (so sweet of them right)!

I hope that 2025 will treat us well, and I’ll look forward to more good times with the baby :)

Good Day

Life’s been pretty stressful and busy these days, but yesterday I had a really good day, and thought I’d memorialize it here. I’m just grateful and appreciated it that things went well for me this one day, especially after weeks and months of slog, stress, frustration and feeling helpless to change anything (most of it is work-related but that’s how the corporate world is these days). I’m probably burned out.

So here are four wonderful things that made my day yesterday:

1. I was featured for a volunteering award, which is a great honor! It’s nice to be recognized for the long volunteering hours I’ve put in over the years 😊
2. I presented at my company’s office all hands yesterday and our CEO was visiting, so I got to present to him! He remembered my name afterwards so that was cool. Lots of people engaged in my presentation and told me I did a great job, definitely glad to have pulled it off smoothly 😅
3. My client told me he heard from another stakeholder that I’m “brilliant” and that they should keep me on the project! Love it when I get unsolicited compliments, frankly I thought I had offended someone at the client so super relieved to hear it was a compliment instead 😂
4. I got some lovely Portuguese egg tarts from Holy Nata and they’re so delicious! I had two with cinnamon sprinkled on top, yummy!! Love it when I enjoy good food and can share with my hubby ❤️

That’s it for now. Remember no matter how tough life seems, step back and take a deep breath. Appreciate what you do have, the little things in life, and maybe that can help you feel grounded and happy again.

Thought I’d share this song by IU since that fits the theme of today’s post - it’s one of my favorites and always perks me up when I’m down! 

My First FPS - Part 2 Update!

Hello friends! I’m back again - so soon after the last one you ask? Well I’ve been inspired to give another update on my penultimate post where I blogged about my first FPS game! Take a read through to refresh your memory here. Disclaimer that this is another super long post about a video game.

——

If you can recall, last August I finally got out of Bronze 5 rank in this first-person shooter game called Overwatch 2, which made sooo happy! I was hard stuck Bronze 5 for 6 months, and mind you Bronze 5 is the lowest of many ranks in the game. It was definitely demoralizing stuck in the same low rank for so long, but that made me feel infinitely rewarded when I finally ranked out of it to Bronze 4! In that post, I ended on a hopeful note:

“I will continue to try and see if I can improve and get to Bronze 3, or even (dare I say it)...Silver? We shall see.”

Dare I say it indeed. Well within the next 2 weeks, I had rocketed up through the ranks from Bronze 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 to Silver 5 and then Silver 4! What a huge jump from when I was hard stuck for 6 months!

Well then what next? I ended up hard stuck in Silver 4 for the next 2 months, which was impossibly hard to get out of, then I managed to hit Silver 3 once, before ranking down promptly again. Sigh. And then over time I got up to Silver 3, to Silver 2, to Silver 1. Unbelievable!

I’m sooo close to being Gold, which has been a reach goal of mine and frankly a dream, a dream really to keep me motivated to keep playing. But a dream I never actually believed I could reach.

How many of my friends were stuck in Silver and never ever got out of it? I have seen so many posts and videos of veteran OW1 and 2 players who never got out of Bronze and Silver for 7 years! Who am I to get to Gold when so many have tried and failed? 

What’s more, I’m a stubborn person who refused to play other support heroes besides Kiriko; I pretty much am a one-trick who refused to switch even when I’m losing or being countered. I believe I will get better only by playing against all kinds of team comps, regardless of being countered! But my goodness, it was really tough in many games. I felt like giving up.

I who have persevered for so long in Bronze, I told myself that I should not be afraid of being stuck in Silver for another 6 months. I reminded myself that it’s already such an amazing achievement to have gotten out of Bronze 5, not to mention be in Silver at all. I’m already grateful to have improved and learned more about the game, and to have become so much better than I was mere months ago. I should just focus on myself, on one thing at a time, and get better slowly, but surely.

Then it happened. I hit Gold 5 briefly, ranked back down, then on December 31, I ranked up to Gold 5 again!! Hurray!!!

I proceeded to rank up another level to Gold 4, and then struggled between Gold 4 and 5 for a long while. I figured I may stop playing ranked games in order to preserve my Gold rank till end of season (which should be early Feb), and maybe try playing Tank or DPS roles instead. My goal has been to end the season on Gold rank, so I could get the Gold Role Challenger title.

A friend of mine in the game ended up encouraging me to keep playing, and he partnered with me to play together. Another miracle started happening, we began to rank up together from Gold 4 to 3 to 2 to 1….

Annnnndddd I’m pleased to announce that I’ve achieved something I’ve never in my wildest dreams imagined. I’ve joined the Platinum community, even if it’s just for the briefest moment, even if it’s undeserved - I’m just shell-shocked. Overwhelmed with happiness and disbelief. I want to memorialize this moment so it will go down in my gaming history that I’ve achieved something wildly impossible. On Monday, Jan 8th, history was made:

——

That’s it for now friends. I figure I’ll probably lose and rank back down to Gold, but at least I feel confident that I can stay in Gold, and having ranked this high makes me feel hopeful and motivated to keep striving to do better in this game. It’s not all about ranks, but really how often is it that a 6-month Bronze 5 could end up ranking up to Platinum? (How often does anyone actually play for that long in Bronze and keep playing 😅?) I want to ask the entire OW2 community just to find kindred spirits who can understand what this really means! This is absolutely wild.

Next season, I will do my best. I secretly (or openly?) admire this OW2 gamer who started out as Silver/Gold and had ranked up one rank per season, until she’s now Diamond. We played PUGs (pick-up games) together twice and she’s really good. She’s the only other person I know who started in a low rank and went up so many ranks. It’s not quite the same as starting from Bronze 5, but now I kind-of wonder if I could do the same and reach Diamond? Maybe it’s not that far out of reach…