Life is Fragile

You won't believe what happened this morning!

I was burping baby and walking around the living room, when I saw a flash of brown and a loud THUMP. Feathers flew in a swirl outside the window. A small sparrow, poor thing, just slammed into our window hard, and bounced onto the ground. Did a bird just kill itself against our window, right in front of my eyes?

I was stunned, traumatized. The sound of a small bird hitting the window was so much louder than I could have imagined. It sounded like a human pounded against the window. This was the first time that I witnessed a life snuff out before my eyes (besides bugs that we've killed). I felt so sorry for the poor bird, and sad that life is so fragile. One moment, soaring through the air. The next, dead.

A part of me hoped and wondered, maybe the bird isn't dead. Maybe it's just concussed and passed out. 

We've had a dead bird once, on the back side of the house, and that looked different - it lay there after hitting the glass railing on the roof and had red blood flowing from its body. That was well and truly dead.

This bird seemed a little different in that it fell to the ground in a sitting position, so it's still upright. Its head lowered to its chest and was resting in an odd nesting position. I'm afraid to check if it's dead.

I went on with my morning, feeding baby and doing my thing. Figured I'll tell my husband when he's up, and we can figure out how to dispose of the dead bird, like we had done before.

An hour later, a miracle happened. My hope came true - the bird woke up, took a big poop on our patio, hopped around, and flew off. It's alive! 

I'm so glad we didn't have to dispose of the dead sparrow. My heart was hurting, seeing and thinking of the poor bird.

What an eventful morning. It's a good reminder that life is fleeting and so easily snuffed out. We never know when our last day is - let's be sure to treasure every moment and the people around us. 🩷

New Hair, New Me!

I got a haircut today, to celebrate the end of work. Yay!

I feel like getting a haircut symbolizes a new beginning. I’ve been feeling really hot these days with my long hair, and I’ve also been losing more hair due to postpartum hair loss. I wanted to cut it off so I didn’t have to clean up after my hair so much, but I just couldn’t find the time with a young baby, work and ow practice. Finally, I can get my haircut!

It’s also fun to be stress-free about getting a haircut. Even if it’s too short or ugly, no one’s really going to be seeing it anyway, since I don’t have clients or work anymore. I asked to cut it off a few extra inches because I didn’t want it to be long enough for baby to grab (he’s been grabbing my long hair a lot, and goodness it hurts!). It’s also cooler and easier to tie up or manage if it’s shorter. I guess I’ve really become a mom 👩.

Lastly, now that I cut it shorter, I can go many months without having another haircut again haha. I can probably make it last till next February to do it in Singapore hehe 🙃.

Randomly, the hairstylist has a really cute cat called Twinkle. He was a very good cat; he came to me for pets and cuddles, and leapt onto my lap while I was getting my haircut. I petted him lots. 

It feels like I’m cuddling and patting my baby, but furrier and calmer. Maybe we should get a cat or a cat-like dog, when my baby gets older and doesn’t want to be cuddled anymore. That way I can cuddle with a pet and get the same happy feelings like playing with a baby! 

I had so much hair cut off, it’s literally a load off my shoulders. It feels like I’ve lost a pound of hair, aaaand I feel great!

Last Day of Work!

Today is my last day at work! Definitely a feeling of freedom and relief, and excited I can spend more time with baby. I sent out a farewell note to the people I’ve worked with, and I got so many lovely, kind notes back. I didn’t know I left such an impact on so many coworkers, even the ones I wasn’t close with or only worked with on a short project. I’m glad to know I was a “breath of fresh air in everything I’ve done” and had “meaningful chats” with others, and I brought “expertise, positivity” and always gave time to “lend a helping hand”. It was really sweet seeing that. Now I know you can get all the compliments from your coworkers when you leave a job 😅.

I think spending 30 days at work after being on maternity leave for 6 months, made me truly appreciate how hard it is to be a working mom. I was constantly stressed about everything, multitasking and never getting anything done right, always feeling like I’m two steps behind, that I couldn’t give the attention I wanted to my work and personal life and family life. 

It’s hard for someone like me, used to As or Bs, to be ok with Pass / Fail / good enough. So I’m always stressed out and struggling to let things go. Being able to focus on being a mom makes everything so much easier. Phew. Now I’m so grateful that I could have down time to myself, I could focus on feeding and playing with baby, and not have to stay up late to do work 😊.

There are so many things I want to work on now, from introducing solids and allergens to baby, to going on trips together. We’ll be going to Point Reyes for the first time in a week and a half! Exciting stuff :)

On a side note, I also did really well on a recent OW2 scrim and felt very happy. I went on to have a win streak today. It’s making me feel that with less stress, I had better sleep and focus, and just generally played better. My mental wellbeing is better as well.

We got champagne and cheese to celebrate tonight. Here’s to the last day of work, and many new days of motherhood!

First Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day! It’s my first one, and I feel oddly excited about it, but at the same time anticlimactic as we’re not doing anything differently.

I just want to rest my poor aching body today 😅.

My lovely partner, gamely took care of baby in the morning so I get to sleep in and rest more. Thank you my love, that’s the best Mother’s Day gift I can get 😊.

Seeing baby’s smiles and giggles, that’s the other best gift I can get. And to think that I receive this gift every single day! He’s taken to pawing at my face, putting his fingers in my mouth (so I nibble on them, he always loves it and starts laughing really hard!), and also grabbing my cheeks and nose. I’m glad to be helping him practice his hand grasp motions and finger pincer skills 😂.

——

Last night, I called home to wish my mom a happy Mother’s Day. I sent her orange flowers this year, which was different from the usual pink and purple pastel colors, just to switch things up haha. We ended up talking a lot about our shared experiences of raising a baby, and I felt like I am connecting with my mom in a way that I have never done before. It’s only because I am raising a child now, which had been her identity and focus most of her adult life, that we are getting closer and able to bond through our shared identity.

This is definitely an unexpected benefit, since I’ve previously been emotionally distant from my mom. She used to criticize or complain a lot, and had many negative things to say to whatever we do. I think she’s mellowed out as she got older, and became more open to positive affirmation and agreeing with us, making me feel like she’s turning towards my bid for connection (instead of turning away). I think my mom had been worried that I’ve decided to have a kid, but also glad that she can finally relate to me in a way that we just couldn’t before. I’ve arrived at the right life stage for her to understand and connect with me like peers.

I asked her questions about how I was as a baby, so we could see the similarities and differences with my baby. I didn’t have chunky thighs as a baby, so those must come from my partner. But same as my baby, I was also always curious and looking around, and I got my first teeth at 7-8 months! My baby is teething now and probably about to get his first tooth soon too (at 6.5 months)!

And I learned funny stories like for my first birthday, I stuck my fingers in the birthday cake so I could eat the cream. Apparently I was so fast my mom couldn’t even light the candles. Then after she lit the candles, I got scared of the flame, so I used my foot to kick the cake instead. Imagine baby me with hands, foot and face full of cream hahaha, it’s so funny and I can totally see my baby doing it as well! It’s wondrous to reminisce on these anecdotes together, and to look towards the future for my baby’s first birthday as well. I’m loving this 3-generation connection that’s bringing me and my mom closer together.

We also talked about how I always begged for toys but she didn’t get me any, because there’s already too many toys at home. But they’re my brother’s toys…so I used to bring 1-2 boy’s toys to school every day. Apparently this left such an impression on my kindergarten classmate that he remembered me 20 years later, as the girl who always brought boy’s toys to school!

Now that explains why I never had dolls growing up, why I’ve always felt deprived of affection as a child, and why I used to compare myself to my brother a lot. It’s because I was always getting his hand me downs, and my mom wouldn’t get me new clothes or toys that’s just for me. So I would feel like she favored my brother and not me. Now I know that’s not the case, it was just because of convenience and saving money! I am finally just realizing now that my mom wasn’t playing favorites after all.

This is helping me resolve some of my feelings / resentment towards my mom. I don’t agree with her methods, but I understand it now as something reasonable to her and how she thought was best for us. If I have a second kid, I’m going to make sure they get their own toys and clothes as well, or both kids get hand me downs from friends or fb marketplace. It’s only fair that way :)

Off to See the Beach!

Today we went to the beach with the baby for the first time. It’s his first time taking the bus, first time seeing many people, first time seeing the ocean and sand, and first time using the stroller! So many firsts for him in this one outing 😅.

It’s also a beautiful day today, which made it so nice to be out and about. Something about watching the waves roll in, seeing the birds soar and glide in formation, riding the wind, really made me feel so happy and whole. Seeing the kites fly through the blue sky, watching the sunset over the glistening water. Hearing the peaceful rhythmic sounds of the waves crashing and receding. These all calmed my senses and body, having not seen the ocean in at least a year. That’s the power of nature indeed!

Me and my husband had a wonderful time, and our baby was also on his best behavior, no fussiness or crying. We took turns carrying baby in the carrier, and then pushed him the stroller on flat surfaces, then back to carrier for the ride home. We even got to catch a mini concert by the beach! All of this made the day perfect 😍. 

—-

Gosh I’m soooo tired. I walked 20k steps today, a good portion of it carrying a 6 month old baby. It’s definitely not something I’d recommend doing unless you want to end up with sore muscles by the end of it. My legs, back, shoulders, arms, feet were suffering by the end of the day…but it was all worth it.

I’m excited to continue doing outings like this regularly, to keep things fresh and fun! Honestly, it felt like date night when I got to go out to fun places or try new restaurants with my husband, bringing the baby along. It’s the best kind of family outing that oddly also feels like I’m going on a date with my partner! I felt lots of happy love hormones like serotonin and oxytocin on today’s outing, which is great 😊.

Now that I know this, it’s easy to arrange dates - just bring the baby! We get two benefits at once - getting to bond with my partner through the challenges of bringing baby out and having fun through it all, while letting baby experience more of the world and see fun things too. Win-win situation, and no babysitter needed!

Cool Things

Before I forget, let me document this. Some cool things I observed today:

- Baby pushed the playpen from the inside using his arms, legs and body weight. He was pushing hard, mashing his face up against the mesh on the sides of the playpen (sooo cute), just so he can get closer to mummy / the console and try to get out. As a result of about 10min of pushing, the playpen moved a whole foot!! It’s no easy feat even for adults to push the equivalent of their own weight plus the playpen and toys from the inside (without jumping)!

- He drank from a straw cup for the first time, and after about 2-3 tries he’s sucked up milk and swallowed on his own without help from me at all! He’s learned to drink from a straw just like that 🤯. For all that I’ve heard about how it could take a few days and how hard it can be…my baby made my life so easy.

-  He reached up to grab the little white basket of washcloths and socks on top of couch, so he could chew on them. He ended up standing on the couch trying to reach them, with some support from the back of the couch! Amazing!

- He tried Greek yogurt for the first time, didn’t like it as much and made a funny face since it wasn’t sweet. But he ate it all and tried to eat the bowl. He had fun grabbing yogurt in his fingers and playing with it. What a fun mess it was! I ended up licking my own fingers with yogurt too, it’s so much fun eating messily with a child 😂.

- He also tried blueberries for the first time, cooked and mashed into a juice / puree. He loved it, must be how sweet it was and a nice texture too! I mixed some in with the yogurt so he could enjoy it more.

- I trimmed off a little of his baby hair around his ears for the first time and saved a lock of his hair. Any ideas on what to do with this hair lock?

ma ma

He said ma ma for the first time yesterday! To be fair, it’s not conscious talking, so I won’t count it as first words yet. He has been babbling a lot and trying out new sounds in his mouth and how it feels. So far he’s been saying buh buh, ba ba and da da, sometimes guh guh. More commonly, he is blowing raspberries and making bubbles with his drool and mouth. So fun! I love making the sounds back to him, it’s almost like vocal warmup exercises babbling like a baby 😆. He’s also really cute when he babbles, it makes me laugh and my heart melts, my spirits soar. What a little cutie!

Anyway, when he says da da, I would say, “Well that’s calling for daddy and not mummy, so daddy should go get you” 😅. Then I proceed to say “ma ma” a few times to him…

And yesterday he said ma ma instead!! Wow what a surprise, he’s learning so fast! 

I’m also making a spreadsheet to start planning and tracking solids for baby. People asked me what I’m going to do first when I quit, and I’m like focus on introducing solids for the next 6 months! I’m reading a book about it and learning that there’s a magical window from 6-12 months where babies will try all sorts of new foods; they will reject trying new things after 1 year old. So good to know! I’ve gotta get my baby on the foodie bandwagon hehe 😉  

I also want to take him on more trips, to go see the beach, go hiking, and maybe even an overnight trip somewhere! The possibilities are endless now that he can sit up and use the baby high chair at restaurants :) We shall see.

See the World through Your Eyes

I’m here to document a few small things I’ve observed with my baby, and reflect on the experiences for myself. He’s been growing so fast physically and mentally -- it almost feels exponential these first few months!

I never knew babies have such huge developmental leaps, and it’s fascinating to observe each and every one of them as they occur. It’s incredible to watch a living being change so much from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. 

I guess if I had raised a pet from birth, I might have had some idea of how it could be like. I had this thought the other day, that I kind of wished I was an older sibling, so I could see how a younger sibling would be like as a baby, watch my mom change diapers, raise a baby, and get a sense of these milestones. Instead, I’m just wholly unprepared for this role as a mother.

Good thing that I learn fast. I never liked change or being forced to learn things constantly, but this experience has been making me feel more comfortable being uncomfortable. To figure things out as I go, through trial and error, and not hold any real expectations. To explore the world via experimentation like a baby does.

I mimic what he does sometimes, lie on the floor to look at him from his eye level, and look at the sky outside the window and marvel at the passing clouds. I talk to him about the birds on the power lines and what they’re doing. I talk about the ceiling and walls and the cool things around the house that I’m noticing for the first time from this angle, because I’m being present with my baby and checking things out with him from a different perspective.

It’s fascinating and eye opening, and truly wonderful living life this way. I feel like I’m thriving in a way I couldn’t imagine before. I feel like I had been living life in a monotone world of routine and screens and stress and expectations before, and now the world has burst into multicolor experiences!

He’s gone through a few cool milestones, like discovering that he really loves the taste of banana over other solids we’ve introduced (must be the sweet taste!). He also randomly pulled himself up into standing for a whole minute just so he could reach and chew on the hanging handles. I was so impressed and surprised, shocked even. I am still reeling from that experience, marveling at how fast babies figure things out on their own. All he did was try whatever works to reach what he wanted, with no help needed from any adults. If only we adults can be as self sufficient and persistent in life!

I’m looking forward to more fun discovery and experiences with you, my little one :)

Unconditional Love

Every morning I wake up to this: initial crying yells of frustration, then whining that escalates to wailing, that escalate to uncontrollable sobs and cries. My heart aches for him.

But I also receive this wonderful gift everyday: those large eyes of unwavering adoration, full of unconditional love and affection, arms outstretched reaching for mummy. His smile, so wide that it shows his cute toothless gums. Sometimes a giggle. Sometimes a squeal. Sometimes a lopsided grin that he does, taking after daddy.

I’m very lucky to have this little baby in my life. It makes me soo happy to catch these glimpses of lovely moments with him everyday. It’s even more mind-boggling that this little kiddo truly loves me unconditionally. I’ve never been loved this way before, not by my family, and not even by my husband, who doesn’t show such unfettered displays of affection often.

I receive this beautiful love everyday, multiple times a day when my baby turns to look for me, and giggles at me. Every time he reaches for me, looking at me with so much love, my heart melts. How could I say no to this?

My heart is full of love for him, growing stronger everyday as I gaze at his peaceful sleeping face, look upon his adoring eyes, watch him play in contentment, and even when he cries and screams in frustration. Now I understand why mothers throw themselves in harm’s way to save their children. It is so wondrous that I can feel the same way now. 

Is this biology? Hormones? Or something else? I never knew I could feel this way. This is a gift of magical proportions, like a miracle.

Is this what it feels like to feel high on love?

I didn’t know that this is what it’s like to become a mom. For some reason, when people asked me why I wanted to have kids, I never fathomed unconditional love. I’ve always thought of it as the next big experience of life I wanted to go through, to experience leveling up of emotions, maturity and understanding of the world. All of it came to be true, but at a scale and depth that I could never have imagined. 

Now I understand why people want to have kids to feel loved or to heal their own childhood traumas. This is definitely an unexpected benefit of having a kid for me. I’m rewriting my own childhood resentments with this new experience of being a parent. 

So thank you, my little one. You are healing me with every smile, giggle and cuddle. It’s such a gift to experience you everyday.

I love you, my baby. You truly fill my days with joy and wonder.

End of an Era

I just put in my 2 weeks’ notice today, I’ll be quitting on May 16. This marks the end of my work era, and beginning my motherhood and semi-retirement era, where I focus on my baby and the little joys in life.

I have so many big emotions right now. I’m scared and nervous, since it’s my first time quitting a job. At the same time I feel relieved since I was feeling burned out and less passionate about my work. I also feel sad to say goodbye to my career woman and mentor identity, to my friends at the workplace. My team, my managers, and the people I’ve spent the past 11 years of my life with. The people I spent my adulthood with, who helped me grow and change so much professionally and personally.

Work has been my second family, my home away from home. I spent more time with them than my friends and family, especially since we were traveling together every week for projects, spending time outside of work going for dinners, lunches, hikes, jazz shows, sports games, and being stuck together in uber rides. So many fun and amusing memories, but I know it’s already been coming to an end post COVID. We’ve all drifted apart and moved on in different ways, so this is a natural close of an era for me.

I’m excited for what’s next! I probably will end up doing something again when my baby is a few years old. Whether it’s volunteering or working part time or a new job entirely for a meaningful cause, or maybe focusing on a hobby (join a dance or singing group?). I love the social aspects of work, the community and the feeling of having a second family. I will find this identity and sense of belonging for myself in this next phase of life.

A Sweet Memory

When I was little, maybe 6 or 7, I remember going on an overnight trip somewhere. It could have been when I was still in Hong Kong, or traveling somewhere in Mainland China, but for some reason I was at a nice big Chinese dinner with my school friends and somehow my mom wasn’t there.

She could have been there too, but I didn’t remember seeing her. Then I had to go to sleep early because I’m younger. My brother’s schoolmate who was 12 years old at the time and seemed so sisterly and much older, was the one who offered to take me up to my hotel room and put me to sleep.

She gave me a beautiful gift of Chinese wooden bookmarks, she sang to me, patted me slowly, and tucked me into bed. The room was dark. I remember feeling so comfortable, warm, soothed and loved, listening to her singing, seeing her dim outline as she patted me while sitting on the bed, until I fell asleep.

That’s the end of the memory, I don’t remember her face. I don’t know who she is or how she came to be there, but I remember she had long dark hair, and her name was Prudence. My mom didn’t sing and pat me to sleep when I was little (or if she did, it must have been before age 4 since I have no recollection of it). So this feeling of being put to sleep so lovingly and gently, was extra wonderful. I felt so soothed and loved, in a way that I haven’t felt before.

In hindsight, I must have been really deprived of affection as a kid. I didn’t know what I needed was to have someone comfort me like that, and even now as an adult, I crave positive affirmation and appreciation from others. I seek external validation, which makes it hard for me to accept negative words, criticism or feedback. 

Now, when my baby cries and gets fussy, I rock and pat and sing him to sleep. I don’t think anymore about how upsetting or frustrating it is to have to hold him and rock him for so long. I don’t think about how I wish he could be a good baby, the way my parents’ generation always say.

Instead, I think back to that warm memory, suffused with love and comfort, when I was being soothed in a strange and unknown place, in a dark hotel room, falling asleep. And I want to give that wonderful feeling to my baby, every single day. 

I want him to know that it’s ok to feel frustrated and sad and overwhelmed and tired and cry, as Mummy is here to love you and rock you to sleep. I will always be here to hug you and make you feel ok again, so that when you’re older, you will feel empowered and strong enough to go tackle the world head on. So that you won’t feel deprived of affection and seek validation from others. Because you’re well loved with all my heart.

Becoming the Best Version of Me

Ever since becoming a mom, I have been learning to be patient. Impatience has always been a weakness of mine, but now I want to change that. I spend a lot of time watching my kiddo strive, fail and try again. I see him growing so fast, learning and improving every single day, which makes me want to strive and improve myself too. I want to become the best version of me, for him.

What does this best version of me mean, you ask? I think it’s being calmer, patient and more understanding of others, especially when they cannot communicate through words. It’s learning to self-soothe and regulate my emotions, the way I would soothe him when he’s upset. It’s learning to give myself grace, and being more forgiving of myself, because if I’m doing that for my little one, why not for me too? 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am unleashing my inner child, letting the child live and thrive, fulfilling my childhood desires and deprivations through my experience of being a parent. I can finally be who I really am, who I want to be, without judgment. I can sing and dance with no qualms, because it’s just my baby watching me, and we are both enjoying it! It doesn’t matter how badly I botch things, as long as it makes him laugh. In fact, the more I botch things, the more interesting it is for him 😅.

I am seeing my child go through the same experiences I must have had as a kid, though unfortunately I didn’t get the affirmation I needed. Now, as I encourage and support him, affirming him and doing what’s best for him, it’s reminding me to also forgive myself and to do what’s best for my inner child too.

As a new parent, I’m always under a lot of stress with sleep deprivation and a lot of other frustrating situations. However, I know my baby is watching and learning, so it makes me want to be a better version of myself, so that my baby can learn the right ways to handle situations, and be proud of me in the future as well. He’s making me want to do better and BE better each day, and to give myself grace when I slip up.

My baby is teaching me that life is not a race. A baby’s time is on his own terms. He has no concept of what is quick or slow, what is good or not. All he’s doing is explore the world through trial and error, experience it for what it is, and being present in every single moment. My baby is not thinking, “oh I failed, so I’m giving up!”. He’s not having any of the emotional or mental or societal baggage that we live with throughout our lives.

Watching him makes me realize that I should have his mindset too. I need to learn to be more present in the moment and not be overthinking things. In fact, the process of learning and growing and living life is exactly what a baby does best. He’s truly the best teacher and therapist I can have 😅.

My baby is teaching me how to treasure every moment for what it is because once it’s past, you’ll never have it back again. 

The Little Delights

Ever since I had a baby, I’m slowly rediscovering my inner child in ways that I’ve long since forgotten. I didn’t realize how I’ve become a boring old adult over the last 20 years, and that my happy innocent ways as a child were shut down too early by my parents, teachers and society. This happened as young as when I was 7 or 8, as I could remember being scolded by a teacher for smiling too much, and by my dad for talking too much. I think they were worried I would not be taken seriously or get a job if I’m always such a chatterbox and being silly. 

But that’s what kids do, don’t they? As we grow older, we can learn to code switch - interchange between play and being serious, and we don’t have to be forced to act like adults when what we needed was to play as a kid!

I ended up confining my silly tendencies to my room and the bathroom. I used to make up imaginary stories about dinosaurs, princesses, kidnapping and saving them from gangsters, and I would act them out.  

I used to imagine I was a singer and celebrity like Rainie Yang or Cyndi Wang, and sang and danced in front of a mirror. I would practice those songs and dances (like kids do on TikTok these days), but showed them to no one but myself in the mirror. 

Now, I can finally unleash my inner child again. Recently, I’ve been singing a lot to my baby, and there’s no one to judge or laugh at me for singing random songs or acting silly. My college roommates used to joke that I was hosting yet another concert in the shower, as I would sing in the shower every day and felt so self-conscious about it. I stopped singing in the shower for a few years after that.

Now, I have a captive and rapt audience! My baby is so fascinated and happy when I sing, no matter how off tune I may be. I can make up lyrics to tunes that I barely remember, use singlish or chinglish whenever I wanted to - who cares what the actual song was like? Sometimes I compose songs and just hum and sing with made up lyrics, and I was shocked to realize I haven’t done that since I was 12! 

I danced while holding him and he was laughing and waving his arms so happily 😊😊. I was folding laundry and I started dancing with the clothes, and he was soo fascinated by it. This is making me very happy, to reconnect with my inner child and say that this is ok, no one is there to judge you, and in fact this is a fun way to engage with my baby! 

All my so-called weaknesses as a kid have become my strengths in being a mom. I’m so glad. My baby has become my therapist in that sense 😅, and giving me an outlet to release my creative tendencies again. I’ve started to pick up my old guitar so I can serenade my baby, singing while re-learning the guitar. This is another way of feeling more like myself, by doing things I enjoyed doing long before I had a baby.

I spend time reading next to my baby, and use funny voices to act out the voice lines. I used to mime and act in drama club as a kid, and using these funny voices really brought me back to those days when I could be free and creative. Now I’m reliving my carefree days again, and it’s giving both me and my baby so much joy and happiness.

I am grateful that I have not lost my child at heart. I hope that I can continue to cherish and remember the little delights in life, and not become a boring old mom that my kids end up resenting in the future…

First Times

Here’s a list of firsts with my little one (as of 4 months old):

• First smile 
• First coos, gurgles, giggles
• First shout
• First fart directly in my face! (got the full methane-blasting-up-my-nose experience 😂)
• First pee, poop, spit ups on me
• First sleep through night
• First rollovers and pre crawls

Can’t wait to experience more firsts with my baby!

Happy 2025!

Happy New Year folks! I can’t believe it’s already 2025…

So much happened in 2024, yet it also feels like I’ve done nothing at all. In 2024, I got my green card, I hit my 10 year work anniversary (and so am finally eligible for social security woots!), and I had a baby.

It’s been a wild ride being a first time mom; it’s really unlike anything I’ve been through in my life. It’s the most physically and emotionally challenging experience I’ve had by far, and I can see that it will only continue to push me outside of my comfort zone constantly. Having a kid means I have to learn to roll with the punches, which is easier said than done for me.

On the bright side, we celebrated with some wine and cheese with yummy sourdough bread and crackers. Our baby slept well (yay) so we could watch a few episodes of a show, while enjoying the wine and cheese. I felt so lucky and grateful to have my hubby and baby, and felt unbridled joy for the first time in a while.

Here’s the first and last alcohol I had in 2024! The previous time was in December 2023 in Singapore (after my wedding dinner), since I spent 2024 trying to conceive, being pregnant and then recovering postpartum. The wine was really good, it’s a Pinot Noir our landlord gifted us for the holidays (so sweet of them right)!

I hope that 2025 will treat us well, and I’ll look forward to more good times with the baby :)

Good Day

Life’s been pretty stressful and busy these days, but yesterday I had a really good day, and thought I’d memorialize it here. I’m just grateful and appreciated it that things went well for me this one day, especially after weeks and months of slog, stress, frustration and feeling helpless to change anything (most of it is work-related but that’s how the corporate world is these days). I’m probably burned out.

So here are four wonderful things that made my day yesterday:

1. I was featured for a volunteering award, which is a great honor! It’s nice to be recognized for the long volunteering hours I’ve put in over the years 😊
2. I presented at my company’s office all hands yesterday and our CEO was visiting, so I got to present to him! He remembered my name afterwards so that was cool. Lots of people engaged in my presentation and told me I did a great job, definitely glad to have pulled it off smoothly 😅
3. My client told me he heard from another stakeholder that I’m “brilliant” and that they should keep me on the project! Love it when I get unsolicited compliments, frankly I thought I had offended someone at the client so super relieved to hear it was a compliment instead 😂
4. I got some lovely Portuguese egg tarts from Holy Nata and they’re so delicious! I had two with cinnamon sprinkled on top, yummy!! Love it when I enjoy good food and can share with my hubby ❤️

That’s it for now. Remember no matter how tough life seems, step back and take a deep breath. Appreciate what you do have, the little things in life, and maybe that can help you feel grounded and happy again.

Thought I’d share this song by IU since that fits the theme of today’s post - it’s one of my favorites and always perks me up when I’m down! 

My First FPS - Part 2 Update!

Hello friends! I’m back again - so soon after the last one you ask? Well I’ve been inspired to give another update on my penultimate post where I blogged about my first FPS game! Take a read through to refresh your memory here. Disclaimer that this is another super long post about a video game.

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If you can recall, last August I finally got out of Bronze 5 rank in this first-person shooter game called Overwatch 2, which made sooo happy! I was hard stuck Bronze 5 for 6 months, and mind you Bronze 5 is the lowest of many ranks in the game. It was definitely demoralizing stuck in the same low rank for so long, but that made me feel infinitely rewarded when I finally ranked out of it to Bronze 4! In that post, I ended on a hopeful note:

“I will continue to try and see if I can improve and get to Bronze 3, or even (dare I say it)...Silver? We shall see.”

Dare I say it indeed. Well within the next 2 weeks, I had rocketed up through the ranks from Bronze 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 to Silver 5 and then Silver 4! What a huge jump from when I was hard stuck for 6 months!

Well then what next? I ended up hard stuck in Silver 4 for the next 2 months, which was impossibly hard to get out of, then I managed to hit Silver 3 once, before ranking down promptly again. Sigh. And then over time I got up to Silver 3, to Silver 2, to Silver 1. Unbelievable!

I’m sooo close to being Gold, which has been a reach goal of mine and frankly a dream, a dream really to keep me motivated to keep playing. But a dream I never actually believed I could reach.

How many of my friends were stuck in Silver and never ever got out of it? I have seen so many posts and videos of veteran OW1 and 2 players who never got out of Bronze and Silver for 7 years! Who am I to get to Gold when so many have tried and failed? 

What’s more, I’m a stubborn person who refused to play other support heroes besides Kiriko; I pretty much am a one-trick who refused to switch even when I’m losing or being countered. I believe I will get better only by playing against all kinds of team comps, regardless of being countered! But my goodness, it was really tough in many games. I felt like giving up.

I who have persevered for so long in Bronze, I told myself that I should not be afraid of being stuck in Silver for another 6 months. I reminded myself that it’s already such an amazing achievement to have gotten out of Bronze 5, not to mention be in Silver at all. I’m already grateful to have improved and learned more about the game, and to have become so much better than I was mere months ago. I should just focus on myself, on one thing at a time, and get better slowly, but surely.

Then it happened. I hit Gold 5 briefly, ranked back down, then on December 31, I ranked up to Gold 5 again!! Hurray!!!

I proceeded to rank up another level to Gold 4, and then struggled between Gold 4 and 5 for a long while. I figured I may stop playing ranked games in order to preserve my Gold rank till end of season (which should be early Feb), and maybe try playing Tank or DPS roles instead. My goal has been to end the season on Gold rank, so I could get the Gold Role Challenger title.

A friend of mine in the game ended up encouraging me to keep playing, and he partnered with me to play together. Another miracle started happening, we began to rank up together from Gold 4 to 3 to 2 to 1….

Annnnndddd I’m pleased to announce that I’ve achieved something I’ve never in my wildest dreams imagined. I’ve joined the Platinum community, even if it’s just for the briefest moment, even if it’s undeserved - I’m just shell-shocked. Overwhelmed with happiness and disbelief. I want to memorialize this moment so it will go down in my gaming history that I’ve achieved something wildly impossible. On Monday, Jan 8th, history was made:

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That’s it for now friends. I figure I’ll probably lose and rank back down to Gold, but at least I feel confident that I can stay in Gold, and having ranked this high makes me feel hopeful and motivated to keep striving to do better in this game. It’s not all about ranks, but really how often is it that a 6-month Bronze 5 could end up ranking up to Platinum? (How often does anyone actually play for that long in Bronze and keep playing 😅?) I want to ask the entire OW2 community just to find kindred spirits who can understand what this really means! This is absolutely wild.

Next season, I will do my best. I secretly (or openly?) admire this OW2 gamer who started out as Silver/Gold and had ranked up one rank per season, until she’s now Diamond. We played PUGs (pick-up games) together twice and she’s really good. She’s the only other person I know who started in a low rank and went up so many ranks. It’s not quite the same as starting from Bronze 5, but now I kind-of wonder if I could do the same and reach Diamond? Maybe it’s not that far out of reach… 

Homecoming Tears

I’m home for 9 days and the moment my mom saw me, she teared up and reached out to give me a hug. She’d never done that before. We are not a hugging family, we never said I love you, never hugged, and we don’t give words of affirmation or physical touch.

I was surprised but happy to see how much she had missed me, that she had shed tears (of happiness? of missing me?) and wanted a hug. Because I lived so far away, I go home once a year or longer. I felt guilty seeing those tears, I was being so awkward 😐. I don’t really think about my family as much as I probably should. That was certainly a very overwhelming homecoming moment, I just wanted to blog here so I’ll remember it.

I’m doing a small wedding dinner (70 ppl??) and Chinese tea ceremony with my relatives this trip. It’s become a whole THING but I’ll be glad when it happens so it’ll be over. I’ll try to enjoy it as much as possible too.

Thinking it over, my mom probably teared up because it’s the first time she got to see me wearing my wedding ring. Now that I see myself in the mirror in my childhood home, I feel it too. I’m now grown up and married away. I’m no longer her daughter as much as I’m a wife and woman. It’s probably pretty overwhelming for her too, since she hasn’t had much time to adjust to the idea. I feel sad, happy and just a bunch of mixed emotions. It’s kind-of weird.

My First FPS!

Hello friends! I'm back to talk about this video game I've been into for the past couple of months - Overwatch 2! Beware - this will be a pretty long post about game stuff, so please bear with me.

OW2 is a team-based 5v5 first-person shooter (FPS) video game. I have been watching my hubby play it for years now, and I've never really been interested in it. I've also heard about it from other people (all guys) who play it, and seems like it's pretty popular among adults even in their late twenties and thirties. Interesting.

Then my hubby got a new PC and handed off his old PC, keyboard and headphones to me - which meant I could play video games now! I was attracted by the pretty colors and graphics in OW2 and the cool-looking heroes, so I decided to try it out. I haven't really played an FPS - I did try playing my brother's Quake III Arena game a looong time ago when I was a kid, but I got so dizzy I just gave up after 1 or 2 tries. 

So yes this is definitely my first team-based FPS game! I started off by playing support (there were support, damage (DPS) or tank heroes), as healing was easier than having to actually shoot in the game. So my aim was horrible, I had no game sense, no awareness of environment, and was constantly dying because people would come from behind me or from the sides (what they call "flanking" or "off-angle"). I even felt dizzy or had a headache after playing for a while. Over time, I got used to it and stopped feeling dizzy, and learned that I could hear people from behind, above me or from the sides, and their footsteps sound louder when they're close by! Now that helped me not die as much.

Then I learned that when I'm getting hit, there would be this red blotching graphic outlining my screen that shows which direction I'm being hit from. So if I'm being hit from behind, it would outline the bottom of my screen, whereas if I'm hit from the left, it would outline the left-side of the screen. Also helped me figure out where to hide / not die as much.

Then I learned there were different secret rooms / areas in the different maps, and watched videos to learn how I can play better. Then I learned that there are certain team compositions that could work better together, and also different heroes to counter certain enemy heroes' abilities. 

It was such a steep learning curve to learning not just how to play an FPS, but also the game rules,  movement mechanics, aim, the maps, and the different hero abilities, and how to play well as a team. I can understand now the allure of OW2 and why folks play it for years and years, and still come back to it. That it's even a competitive esport! (though it seems like that may be going away).

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When I first started, I was so afraid to play with real people, as I didn't want to mess things up and cause my team to lose constantly. I knew I was bad, and I felt so bad bringing the team down. So I kept playing in the practice range and in custom AI-games where I'm playing with/against bots. I pretty much told myself I prefer playing it safe with AI bots, it's less stressful and was fun this way too!

However, my hubby was constantly encouraging me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. He said I could just turn off chat so I couldn't see anything toxic / mean that people say (and OW2 is known for people being mean in team and match chats). I learned this the hard way when someone said "healer diff" and that was referring to me. I didn't know what that meant and had to look it up! One guy even said I should learn the proper game mechanics, and I felt so sad. (That was also for the support hero Mercy - she requires a lot of practice with how to fly and move around in the game).

But none of them were wrong, they were absolutely right! After I turned off chat, I improved significantly as I just focused on learning the game, and focusing on one thing at a time. I focused on using better cover, better positioning. I experimented with high ground, and different heroes. I also focused on better aim by doing aim training (and my aim + strafing is much better now!) I then focused on turning around every few seconds, making sure I'm aware of where my team is at all times, but also where enemies might be coming from. I almost expect the enemy to be coming from behind, above and the sides to kill me in the back, so I remind myself to turn to check. Checking the blind spots. It's just like checking the mirrors and blind spots while driving xD, except under much higher stress circumstances.

While I still kept losing, I stopped losing as much! I remember that my win rate used to be a third for the longest time, around 33-40%, and my hubby told me the average should be around 50% (as >50% helps you rank up, and <50% makes you rank down). One day, before I knew it, I started winning 40%, then 50+% of my games! I have no idea how it happened, but that did help me gain some confidence to move to the next stage...

Where I started playing competitive ranked matches! This was even more stressful, but the matchmaking would be more balanced, so I could really see if I'm improving. I was placed in the lowest possible rank - Bronze 5. (For context, there's Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum, Diamond, Masters, Grandmasters - and 5 levels within each of those ranks. So yes I am pretty bad). I did console myself that it's ok I'm in Bronze 5, because a lot of other people who have experience playing FPS also get stuck in Bronze 5 with me.

Because Bronze 5 is a catch-all rank at the bottom, it's impossibly hard to get out of it as there are many players who are new to the game or just not very good, who can be on your team and make you lose. Unless I'm good enough to "carry" my team and win -- which is difficult to do as a support hero. Also, I think the OW2 matchmaking does something where they match you with much lower ranked teammates as you get higher ranked, which is tougher in Bronze 5 as there's high skill variability and high chance of getting people who have no idea how to play.

So here I am, struggling, and I started off somewhere around 34% better than other players in Bronze 5. Over time I started winning more than I lost, and got to around 50% in Bronze 5. I made friends with a really good tank who's also been stuck at Bronze 5 forever, and he's at 75%, so I set that as my goal to improve and get to 75%. I thought that if I could get to his level, that meant I was really good, since he's so good at playing. 

When I finally hit that goal, I then set my next goal to get out of Bronze 5 (i.e., get to Bronze 4).

Last season, I ended up at my all-time high of 92% (with the help of grouping with friends)! But then I couldn't win anymore on my own, and lost a series of 7-10 games and dropped back down to 60+%, and then climbed back up to 76%. I realized that on my own, I would consistently just be around 75-80%, and couldn't win more. The moment I got past 80%, I kept losing as I kept getting bad DPS and tanks on my team.

Anyhow, this season I all but gave up on ever climbing out of Bronze 5. I was set on doing it on my own, as I believed that I'm getting better, except that I'm not so sure anymore with each loss I had. 

3 weeks ago, my tank friend got out of Bronze 5. I was happy for him, but felt demoralized that I'm still stuck. And then another friend ranked out of Bronze 5, then yet another, then yet another! 3 other friends, one-by-one, did it and I felt so left behind. So abandoned, but also even more demoralized that I would never be able to make it.

One of my friends even ranked up to Silver 4 within 1 week! I was amazed and soooo jealous! I'm just thinking, I could never make it on my own. So I started playing competitive games only with my friends who are good players, so at least we had a more consistent level of quality in teamwork and gameplay.

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And yesterday, I finally did it!! I ranked up to Bronze 4 yesterday, and that felt like a dream come true. After months and months of trying, and improving, and losing, and feeling so demoralized, it felt like a hero's journey to be able to say I did it! 

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I feel like I learned so much by spending time in a video game like this, as it's completely different from any other games I've played. It's just so much harder, as it required actual practice and physical endurance, hand-eye coordination, split-second decision making, and repetitive aim training and mechanics. In a way, I understand now why it's a sport. There are many similarities with other typical sports!

I learned how to be a good team player, but also when's the right time to be selfish and just save myself. Or when I should go flank / dive and kill other enemies instead of healing. I have to make so many split-second, semi-conscious decisions, that made it extra challenging. I'm surprised and impressed that I took such a risk to play this game, and that when I turned chat back on, I'm not as affected by the toxic comments. In fact I started getting compliments / shoutouts like "godlike healer" and "ily supports" (short for "i love you"). It was validating - to feel that I'm now a good, useful team player instead of just being deadweight!

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Oh yes, and I learned a ton of gamer acronyms - and am still constantly learning new terms. GG, GR, GLHF, MB, LOS, flank, dive, poke, brawl, group up, fall back, carry, among other terms. I feel so cool now everytime I learn something new.

Hm I also learned slang that Gen Z folks are using. There are a lot of high school and college-age kids who play OW2, and in one funny instance - I found out that one of my OW2 friends was in high school and when I told him my age, he's like "Is it weird to say that my mom is your age"? That definitely left me dumbfounded. It made me feel old, but also - what have I been doing with my life?! I could have a kid in high school playing OW2!! xD

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The best parts of the game are the "hail mary" miracle moments, which make up for all the bad, tough times. Just like in any sport, sometimes we are losing badly, but we take a risky move and end up carrying the game and win! That feels SOOO GOOD. Having the feeling of giving up, hopelessness, disappointment, that "sigh we'll never win this", then "omg I can't believe we did it!!" That made me feel it viscerally - that you should never give up until the very very end. Play your best game - you never know what can happen!

The feelings of camaraderie, of teamwork making the dream work - that absolutely makes me want to keep playing OW2. It compensates for the feelings of sadness, frustration and disappointment when I lose. In some cases, even when I lose, I still feel happy or good if our team fought the good fight and did our best!

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I still have a long way to go in getting better - I still flinch, and physically move my body away when someone is shooting at me. I need better game sense, aim, taking risks, learning more about the game, each character and dynamics. 

It's by no means the end of OW2 for me yet - I will continue to try and see if I can improve and get to Bronze 3, or even (dare I say it)...Silver? We shall see.

P.S. feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to fangirl/boy over OW2 (or other FPS games). These days, the only thing I enjoy more than playing OW2 is talking about it :)

Wedding Day

Hello friends, it’s been a long while since I last posted. Dropping by just to say - I’m getting married on Monday! 

I didn’t think much of it as first, just thought it’s signing of a piece of paper and nothing’s really going to change.

But now that the date is almost here, I’m getting excited! I booked a hair and makeup person and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do - learn how a makeup person does makeup properly for me, so maybe I can learn how to do it nicely myself in the future as well ahehe. But also feeling pampered and splurging a little on myself!

I’m feeling happy :)